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Chery · Jul 14, 2008, 03:50 PM

Originally Posted by jrsg

SO,
If I am reading all of you right, you are telling me to just talk to her. I shouldn't think up scenarios in my mind, or fantasy problems, but I should just talk to her and get the truth. Then I act from there. Is that right?

And, as tal said, "communications to resolve things, will go farther than confrontation."
Now, this seems like a real childish, rookie relationship questions, but then again, I am a teen and new at dating.
So my question is
What is the difference between communication and confrontation?
I mean, how do I communicate without seeming confrontational?

Thanks again everyone,
and as stupid as that question may sound, I am serious. I need an answer to that.

Conversation:

Hi, how are you doing today? There is this interesting (whatever) thing going on and I was wondering if you'd like to go there with me. Or, we could just take a nice walk in the park, feed the ducks and enjoy the weather.. . Now, if she says OK and comes along, talk about some great music you've heard or a good book, or even a nice recipe you mom cooked recently and ask her if she liked that kind of food.

Confrontation:

Hey, we got to talk. I really need to know if you like me and where we stand and if you are going to call me, cause I really like you and want to take this further, so I need an answer. Oh, and by the way, I saw you talking to this guy between classes (or wherever) - what were you talking about and do you like him more than me?. That is being pushy, needy and a very big turn-off.

Conversation is getting to know the likes and dislikes of a person, their ideas on life, art, entertainment, politics, comedy, etc.

Confrontation is more like an interrogation and is not warranted at all if you are just starting to date and you are getting to know each other. The only time you would confront someone is if you are trying to blame someone for doing something you don't approve of. And when just out dating, sometimes people do things that you might not approve of, but there are nicer ways of telling them that your idea is different on the current subject.

Did that help?

And yes, we women can be complicated, but only if you try to figure us out too soon without even getting to know us on an individual basis.. but you guys take second place on that scoreboard.

Chery · Jul 14, 2008, 04:14 PM

This may be frustrating to you, so you can probably guess how I feel right now.

If I were your Mom, I'd take at least a few hours a week and practice with you. But I'm not the typical Mom, never have been. And I'm probably not a typical grandmother now. My grandson is only two years old and I already taught him how to ride horse on Mom and how to blow bubbles and we clap hands to 'give me five' (my daughter taught him that) My daughter and I (mostly me) talked about everything and I do admit that I embarrassed her a few times (not in public though). She thanks me now, but she really thought I was a pain when she was your age. Despite our age difference she likes taking me to tupperware parties and to visit her younger friends and we do have a lot of fun.

Don't you think you could talk with your Mom, or do you have an aunt, an older girl in the neighborhood, or even a grandma figure around you who you could explain your issue with and ask them to practice with you?
I know it might feel foolish at the beginning, but it benefits you in the end. My neighbor's son would vouch for me if I asked him to, but he's busy with a cute girl he's been dating for over a year now.

Honey, just relax and don't focus on asking a girl about a relationship that is just starting. Both of you don't know where this will take you, so why pressure her. Get to know each other and just let things happen when it's time, not sooner.

You have a lot of time, just have fun with it. Quit being such a worrywart!

jrsg · Jul 14, 2008, 04:37 PM

Lol, I guess I have been a worrywart, haven't I...
I come to this site and ask about absolutely everything. You guys are great help and all, but I think I may have become a little too dependent on you! I mean, I came straight here after she missed a call from me. You are all just to good at what you do, but I feel like I am forgetting how to think for myself. So, I will take a little while away from the site, and let the relationship take its course. And, I can gain some personal expirience.

And, before I go, a quick update...
My girlfriend was telling me all the things she did last week while on the way to school. My god has she been busy! Lol. And she was letting me know that she will be busy this week too. She was saying these things almost as excuses, because I think she feels guilty for not seeing me outside school in such a long time (which I don't want her to). She did, however, say that she wants to study for an upcoming exam with me on Wednesday. So, I will get to see her! Outside school! I guess I didn't have anything to worry about after all.

She is leaving for her 4-week vacation on Saturday morning, so I won't see her for a month after this week. In the 4 weeks she is gone, I will improve my communication skills, and hopefully can be a better boyfriend for her when she gets back.

I've said to myself a few times, "If I could start over..." I see the mistakes I have made, and will not make them again! Anyway, I look at when she gets back from her 4-week vacation almost as a new relationship. I can hopefully be a better communicator, and boyfriend in general, and I'm sure she will grow too.

Look at me, I can't wait 'till she gets back, and she hasn't even left yet... But that's just me getting ahead of myself.

So, thank you for everything! I think the relationship is all good now, all thanks to you! But, I need to deal with the small issues in the relationship with my own logic and rationale. I will be back when I need advice, but only for something significant. If she misses one of my calls, I won't come to this site saying "why does she hate me?"

Watch out world... there is a whole new JR in town! (And this time, he isn't a worrywart.) lol

talaniman · Jul 14, 2008, 05:03 PM

Less worry, more fun, enjoy it!

Chery · Jul 14, 2008, 05:11 PM

Cool. Looking forward to hearing from the new JR.
Glad we were able to help you, and don't for a moment think you were a bother - because we are here to sincerely help and it's free, so we wouldn't be doing it if we did not care.

Oh, by the way, next time you visit the site and get good advice... see the little orange button in our posts, next to the blue one? The blue one is for when you want to quote and the orange one is for when you want to comment on the advice given, either by agreeing or not - and we do appreciate it when we are given a little credit that way now and then when it is appropriate, so think about it when you come back.

And, during those four weeks if you think you might get nervous again, just sign on and read this thread again to refresh and feel better.

Good luck dear, hope to hear from the new JR soon.

jrsg · Jul 17, 2008, 10:49 AM

Hey,
I know I said I would take a break for a while, but I am already back.

Let me first just say that I am still happy, confident, and I feel like a better person from even a month ago. I have learned a lot about relationships and I think I can be a better boyfriend to a future girlfriend.

Now, as you may have already been thinking, that last paragraph leads to this part, where I tell you that we boke up.

It happened today, after our math exam. She didn't break up with me until after the exam I had today so that I could focus on my work, and not be distracted and possibly fail the exam.

Now, why did she break up with me?

When I saw her yesterday (she came home with me), she told me about this friend she had in England (She went to boarding school there for a few years). This friend met a gay guy (on the street), who she began to talk to. She didn't think the guy was just talking to her to pick her up because, well, he was gay. So, they walked and talked, and in the end, she found out that he wasn't gay. He forced her into his car and brought her to the middle of nowhere. He then proceeded to molest her (sexually).
She said that her friend wanted to know what she should do. She had to break up with her boyfriend after what had happened, as her trust towards anyone is gone. Should she break up with her boyfriend before or after a major exam he has coming up? I said she should wait until after the exam, to make it easier on the guy.

So, let me point out a few things.
When she told me this,
-I had an exam coming up
-She told me she met and talked to a gay guy one night

I thought her friend was really her, and she didn't want me to know. But, I let it go for the night.
I saw her today, and after we wrote the exam, she told me that her friend was really her.
My girlfriend was the one who was molested. My girlfriend was the one who wanted to know when to break up with her boyfriend.

So, we broke up. And, in about 48 hours, she will be on the other side of the country from me for four weeks.

I told her that I understand why she can't date anyone right now.

I have thought about if she made up the molestation story just to make the break up easier on me. I am 99% sure she is telling the truth. That 1% is because of the last time we broke up, she lied about why she broke up with me. But I really doubt she would use a lie like that to break up with me. She has been sexually assaulted before, so she wouldn't lie about it. She knows how awful it really is.

But, yeah. I kind of just left here with my thoughts, and she is left to deal with this.
She told me that maybe we can begin the relationship again, when she is ready. I don't know if we ever will, but I am not betting on it.

My question to you is:
-What do I do now? How can I help her deal with this?
She doesn't know who did it. Name, Where he lives, etc. She knows nothing. Police won't help because they wouldn't know who to arrest. And, my girlfriend doesn't want to have to go through telling the story to several detectives. But, how can I help her?
I know 'relationships' probably isn't the best place to ask, but if you could give me your opinion and/or direct me in the right way, I would really appreciate it.

Thank you

My plans for the next while is to just stay single for now. I don't really want another relationship right now, as I still like this last girlfriend. I don't even feel like dating other girls right now. The next year of high school begins in about 6 weeks, so I will probably find a new girl there.

If you remember, I was going to talk to her about why she had been so physcially distant. No kissing, hugging, anything for about the last week. I guess I know why she has been so distant now...

Chery · Jul 17, 2008, 11:10 AM

JR, so sorry this has happened and wish there were sure-fix solutions for issues like this, but there are none.

She's been 'invaded' in a very personal way and needs time to heal - but in my opinion, she should also report this guy. Right now she is the one carrying all the guilt and shame and she should not be doing this because it was not her doing. She trusted someone who broke that trust in a bad way and she should be doing something to fight back. Maybe her vacation will help her decide on what to do.

Yes, you have plenty of time to look for a new girlfriend, but honestly I don't think you are just going to forget what happened and you too will think a lot about it. I don't think you are cold enough to completely forget her and not be her friend if she needs someone to talk to - as she has told you something very personal and it took her a while to come out with it. She might like to count on you as a friend and if this is all true, I hope you can be there for her. Suggest that she talks to a counselor or school nurse about all this - so that she won't carry the burden alone.

Hope that you next girlfriend does not have such a complicated life behind her and that you can communicate with each other better without those little secrets.

I kind of had a feeling that something drastic happened and am glad that she finally told someone - that's a heavy load to carry alone.

Good luck dear. We are still here any time you want to talk.

jrsg · Jul 17, 2008, 11:39 AM

Thank you.
I would never just forget about what just happened. There is no way I am going to just cast her out of my life, and just leave her. I am going to be there as a friend for her. I have told her that I am here for her if she wants to talk. And she knows that she can talk to me about anything.

You're right, I don't think I can date for a while. I'll see what happens when school begins in 6 weeks.

She also feels really guilty. She likes me, and knows that I am a good guy. She doesn't want to be the one to break my heart. But, with the position she is in now, and after what happened, I completely understand why she broke up with me. I wish there was some way to stop her from feeling guilty about me. She already has enough to worry and think about.

I will definitely recommend a counsellor to her.
I also know another girl who went through a common thing. She was sexually molested, and got through it okay. Do you think it would be a good idea for me to introduce them to each other? I am there for my girlfriend to talk to, but I can't relate. I can't answer questions she has or anything. I think my friend who can relate would be of much more help than me.

She has 4 weeks in beautiful British Columbia, so maybe that will help her a bit. It will give her some time to herself, and some time to think.

Thanks for the advice and suggestions, Chery.

talaniman · Jul 17, 2008, 12:01 PM

What do I do now? How can I help her deal with this?

Maybe you have already helped as best you, can by listening, and understanding. Maybe that's all you should do, and keep her confidece. It took a lot to tell you that for sure.

You might not be ready for another relationship, but having fun is not out of the question, and just see what the future brings.

Sorry for your loss, but your single, and should act like it, if nothing else, but to have something cool to tell her, when she gets back.

Enjoy the summer.

jrsg · Jul 17, 2008, 12:49 PM

Tal, Thanks for the advice.
I agree with you that there isn't much more that I can do, other than listen, understand and be there for her.

I don't think I can 'act single' right now though. And I am a little confused as to what you mean by that. And to have something cool to tell her when she gets back? If you could clarify that, I would really appreciate it.

Thanks again

jrsg · Jul 17, 2008, 01:08 PM

And,
Is there a place on this forum that I could ask the question "What do I do now?"

I have looked at mental health, teens, health, etc.
But where would the best place be?

Also, does anybody here know any good websites that could be of help?
Thank you

I have found a "Sexual Harassment Office" at a local university. They specialize in helping the community deal with being sexually harassed, as well as what to do if someone comes to you saying they've been sexually harassed or molested (my situation). I hope they will be of some good help. But does anybody know any other good resources?

Thanks

Chery · Jul 18, 2008, 12:21 AM

Try the Teens section.

There are some people who specialize in teenage issues and give some super advice and support. Also, your peers can share their experiences with you and give you hints of how they handled things.

As for the molestation of your GF, you can only encourage her to talk to someone and support her, but you can't 'fix' things for her. She has to take those steps on her own, just as you have in how to deal with it.

C.U on the forum, no matter where you post - we will be here to help.

talaniman · Jul 18, 2008, 05:37 AM

Is there a place on this forum that I could ask the question "What do I do now?"

Your already there guy, and others will be here as long as you have questions.

What do you do now?? You go back to what you were doing before you got with her. Real simple, just add some activities that brings new friends, new things to do, and don't forget the old friends, and things you enjoy. You never know what life brings next, so you have to be ready for anything.

jrsg · Jul 18, 2008, 09:06 AM

Thanks guys,
For the advice, support, just everything.

As for me and her getting back together, I really doubt it will happen. I don't really want to get back together with her myself. She was basically dating other guys while I was with her. If a guy tried to 'pick her up' she would go along with it! I figured out that she gave a guy 'Alex' her phone number! She met 'Alex' at a park, and walked and talked with him. Then, she trusted another guy enough to walk through a park at night with him. This time, she was molested.

The fact is that she just wasn't a very good girlfriend. I hate to say it, but even though I 'loved' her (using the L word loosely), she was demanding and practically cheated. It always felt like I had to compete with other guys to keep her, which was really frustrating. The way I began dating her was because she broke up with her ex to date me. She also has gone through 3 boyfriends this year. So, I knew she wasn't going to be a real long term relationship. I wasn't expecting a 'highschool sweet heart' from her. I did like her, a lot, and she gave me some good expirience in relationships. I just think I am more willing to work on the relationship than she is. If she isn't going to put in the effort, why bother?

I am still reviewing the entire relationship, and taking mental notes on what was good, and what was bad. Hopefully, my next relationship can go much smoother and longer. I am not looking for someone else yet, but I will hopefully be ready when school starts again, in 6 weeks. My ex-girlfriend (feels weird to say that now) is in BC for the next 4 weeks, so that will make it easier for me to get over her.

I need to move on with my life, and although she made me happy, I had to deal with a lot of crap from her.

I am still going to be there for her as a good friend. She knows she can trust and talk to me about anything. And, I still plan to do all I can for her to help her deal with the molestation.

I got expirience, and a good friend out of all this, so I am keeping my chin up.
I am still the NEW JR, and a happy person.
I just don't know how this will all turn out. I always think about the future, I always think about what is best for me. I think right now, I will just live life. Whatever is meant to be will be, right? The truth is, right now, I don't really know what I want, or what is best for me... I plan to let life takes its course.

jrsg · Jul 18, 2008, 08:27 PM

I am sure you have all heard the term 'whipped.'

I am a nice guy. I've been told by many, and I believe myself that I am a 'nice guy.' People also tell me that I am 'whipped.'
I don't think I am whipped, I just enjoy spending time with my girlfriends, and I am willing to do favors for them, and help them out with anything, as any good boyfriend should be.

So, where do we draw the line? When is one 'whipped?'

AND

How does one avoid getting 'whipped?"
I mean, I want to help out my girlfriend. But, I don't want to become whipped, which apparently happens to me all the time.

I personally don't even think there is such thing as 'whipped.' But, what are your opinions on this topic?

Thank you

jrsg · Jul 18, 2008, 08:43 PM

My girlfriend and I have been dating on-off for about 3 months now. In our last effort for a relationship, we were going strong and were a short 3 weeks into it. In the last week, she was very distant, from all men, including me. Physically, we didn't even hug or kiss. I wondered why, and I found out why on Thursday. She was molested about a week ago. She couldn't voluntarily do anything remotely physical with ANY male, including me.

The way it happened was she was walking down Yonge Street, here in Toronto (A major street, filled with thousands of people at any time). She met a guy (who she thought was gay) and walked and talked with him. She trusted him enough to go walking with him through a dark park. He forced her into his vehicle, and drove her to a remote parking lot, and sexually molested her. This all happened at about 10:30/11:00 at night.

Now, when she told me, she also broke up with me. She has lost trust for any man, and there is nothing I could do but accept her request to break up. I understand why she had to do that, so I made it as easy for her as possible. She said she feels guilty for having to break up with me. I let her know that I am here for her if she wants to talk. But what else can I do to help?

She was sexually molested in school when she was 12 through 13 years old. She seems to be handling the molestation fairly well, but almost too well. Its like she just tried forget it. Suppress the feelings she has. She hates to cry, and won't show emotion. She feels it is a sign of weakness. So, she has got through it before, and I guess she has some confidence that she can do it again.

My only question is what do I do? How can I help?

Thank you,
JR

N0help4u · Jul 18, 2008, 08:56 PM

She seems to be handling the molestation fairly well, but almost too well. Its like she just tried forget it. Suppress the feelings she has. She hates to cry, and won't show emotion. She feels it is a sign of weakness. So, she has got through it before, and I guess she has some confidence that she can do it again.

First of all, she is NOT handling it well or she would not treat ALL guys this way because of what ONE guy did.
She needs to report as much as possible to the police so they can try and find him.
It sounds like he could do this on a regular basis and she is not helping it from happening to somebody else.
She needs to go to counseling to really get through this so she can learn to trust guys and not misplace her trust issues on other guys.

N0help4u · Jul 18, 2008, 08:58 PM

As long as YOU are happy being with your girlfriend and do not feel she is using or abusing you then you are not whipped and they are just jealous. So don't worry about what other say or think.

ISneezeFunny · Jul 18, 2008, 09:23 PM

Well... ask yourself this:

Do you make time for yourself? Do you actually find time to do these things YOU enjoy, not because you enjoy things with her, but because YOU do? Such as.. certain movies, certain foods, possibly going to the gym, etc?

Do you find time to hang out with your friends? Do you find yourself constantly dropping your friends or not spending enough time with them because of the girl?

Do you find yourself always doing what SHE wants to do, not what YOU want to do?

There's a difference between being "whipped" and being nice. Make time for yourself, for your friends, do things you enjoy, eat things you want... don't succumb to every wish of your girl... as this often ends in you getting the raw end of the deal and asking yourself, "I did everything for her..."

jrsg · Jul 18, 2008, 09:49 PM

I admit I do things that only she enjoys. With my last girlfriend, I did spend time with her when I should have been with my friends (i.e lunch everday). I did lose touch with some friends during the relationship too.

One of the things you said, ISneezeFunny is that there is a difference between being 'whipped' and being nice. I definitely want to remain a 'nice guy.' I want to know where the line between nice and 'whipped' is. I guess as long as I don't forget friends, and leave time for myself, I'm good, right?

And N0Help4u, I wouldn't even stay with a GF who 'abuses' me. But I see what you mean by jealousy. My one friend who hasn't had a girlfriend in 3 years was the main person who called me 'whipped.' I really didn't care what he thought, but it did make me think.

Thanks for the help guys