[ChihuahuaMomma]

No, they wouldn't be surprised. They said "don't get involved with a married woman." and you did and now you're the man on the side that she doesn't love enough to leave her husband for. You're naïve, and it's so apparent.

He should fight for his wife, you're right. But he's not fighting now, and look, she STILL doesn't want to leave him. What will it take for you to realize she's not going to leave him for you?

[jmjoseph]

I remember well. And many said nothing will come of it....well look where I am now. I'm quite certain everyone would be suprised things have gone so well with her and I. Again, this a woman who is not your typical girl....otherwise a divorce would've followed a long time. She takes her time...and I guess I understand it because she wants to be as sure as she can...especially considering living with me after I hurt her so bad. So, I knew it was gonna be rough. But giving her self to me physically, spiritually, and emotionally is pretty good I say.

And you must admit, it is very strange why her husband sits back and lets all this happen. He's a pacifist and knows she's gonna do what she wants so why fight it. Sounds like a toxic rel'p to me. To not fight for your wife nor care what she does? Crazy and sick!

Hey slick, Remember he doesn't know that YOU'RE HAVING SEX WITH HIS WIFE. You don't have the balls to tell him. You spineless piece of... work. If things are going so well , then why are you coming here, over and over and over again like some pyscho. So don't talk bad about the only good person in this mess that YOU'VE made.

[chicago95]

No, they wouldn't be surprised. They said "don't get involved with a married woman." and you did and now you're the man on the side that she doesn't love enough to leave her husband for. You're naive, and it's so apparent.

He should fight for his wife, you're right. But he's not fighting now, and look, she STILL doesn't want to leave him. What will it take for you to realize she's not going to leave him for you?

Evidently a lot more than anyone can offer. If I had listened to you when I was contemplating on breaking up with her when we we're going out in college you probably all would've said move on because I found too many little things wrong with her and made her feel terrible. You might've said she's not the one, and that if she doesn't make you happy you should let her go. Thing is she did make me happy then. I got arrogant and cocky due to immaturity, lack of social life, misinterpreting how a girlfriend should act and look. And you'dve all been wrong to encourage me to leave her. Now here I am... with a licensed therapist telling me this may work... she just needs time to sort out these issues. To think of her as a severely injured person... ya can't expect someone like that to up and walk. Time and healing... and a lot of faith. She's never lied to me before... others yes, but not to me. Sorry you don't believe. Really doesn't matter.

[N0help4u]

It won't ever work ***at least not right* until she comes clean with her hubby and gets a divorce---until then you are barking up the wrong tree.

[ChihuahuaMomma]

There's obviously nothing that anyone can say to you to make you realize what you're doing is wrong in every way possible. Just because someone has a license to be a therapist doesn't mean they are right. You give him how much money? Yeah. I'd tell you what you want to hear for $100 an hour too.

But you know? I come here, and give my advice for FREE. Because I like to help people. Even people that don't want help, they just want to be lied to to make themselves feel right and their wrongs justified. Not going to happen.

Good luck to you in all your endeavors, I hope one day you'll find someone that actually loves you.

[N0help4u]

Yep therapists don't always look at the overall picture.

[friend4u178]

There's no way a qualified therapist would tell you this is all right.

They are either incompetent or you haven't told them the whole story.

[HistorianChick]

You know, I'm actually quite saddened at all of this.

The people on this thread have given their honest (albeit sometimes a little "rough around the edges") opinions about what you, the OP, should do in your situation. They have given advice from past experiences, the school-of-hard-knocks, and just plain common sense. They have tried to understand, tried to rationalize, tried cyber-yelling, and the like to nail their points into your head.

But, they can't make you believe or understand what you're not willing to believe or understand.

You are a hopeless romantic. I really do think you believe this woman is your "other half." You believe that if you wait long enough, she will realize it and eventually ride off into the glorious sunset with you.

It is your prerogative to believe whatever you wish... that is what being human means. We are given the ability to make our own choices, come what may.

You have made the decision to give your heart completely to this woman. No, we do not know the whole story. All we know is that she is married, that her marriage is a sham, that she says she is in love with you, and that you are her "piece" on the side.

I do not believe that married people should be involved with anyone other than their partner. Period. And, I will never change that opinion.

But, that is MY choice to make.

If you do decide to continue loving this woman, giving her your entire heart (because love is a choice), you MUST take the high road, disappear from her life, and let HER make up her own mind.

Love her until her dying day, but let her make the decisions that she NEEDS to make about her marriage. She has a free will, too.

People do what they want to do. She is doing what she wants. No one can make someone do what they choose not to do. Her husband is not tying her up, threatening her life. He is simply maintaining a relationship. (Yes, relationship. They have a paper signed, sealed, and dated to prove that they have a relationship)

Bottom line: we cannot make you not love this woman or wait for her until she decides that you're her prince charming. We cannot convince you to do anything that you do not want to do... in the end, we all do what we feel is morally right. Let her make up her own mind.

Take your bow and sit in the audience until she decides to pull the curtain. If you choose to wait for her, great, but let her be. Let her fix her own life.

Don't force her. Don't expect things of her. Don't influence her. Don't try and convince her that you're her best. If she feels that, she will make things happen where she can be with you.

Leave their relationship alone and wait to see how the cards fall... if that is your choice.

[chicago95]

You know, I'm actually quite saddened at all of this.

The people on this thread have given their honest (albeit sometimes a little "rough around the edges") opinions about what you, the OP, should do in your situation. They have given advice from past experiences, the school-of-hard-knocks, and just plain common sense. They have tried to understand, tried to rationalize, tried cyber-yelling, and the like to nail their points into your head.

But, they can't make you believe or understand what you're not willing to believe or understand.

You are a hopeless romantic. I really do think you believe this woman is your "other half." You believe that if you wait long enough, she will realize it and eventually ride off into the glorious sunset with you.

It is your prerogative to believe whatever you wish.... that is what being human means. We are given the ability to make our own choices, come what may.

You have made the decision to give your heart completely to this woman. No, we do not know the whole story. All we know is that she is married, that her marriage is a sham, that she says she is in love with you, and that you are her "piece" on the side.

I do not believe that married people should be involved with anyone other than their partner. Period. And, I will never change that opinion.

But, that is MY choice to make.

If you do decide to continue loving this woman, giving her your entire heart (because love is a choice), you MUST take the high road, disappear from her life, and let HER make up her own mind.

Love her until her dying day, but let her make the decisions that she NEEDS to make about her marriage. She has a free will, too.

People do what they want to do. She is doing what she wants. No one can make someone do what they choose not to do. Her husband is not tying her up, threatening her life. He is simply maintaining a relationship. (Yes, relationship. They have a paper signed, sealed, and dated to prove that they have a relationship)

Bottom line: we cannot make you not love this woman or wait for her until she decides that you're her prince charming. We cannot convince you to do anything that you do not want to do... in the end, we all do what we feel is morally right. Let her make up her own mind.

Take your bow and sit in the audience until she decides to pull the curtain. If you choose to wait for her, great, but let her be. Let her fix her own life.

Don't force her. Don't expect things of her. Don't influence her. Don't try and convince her that you're her best. If she feels that, she will make things happen where she can be with you.

Leave their relationship alone and wait to see how the cards fall.... if that is your choice.

Bravo! I really agree. I never intended to convey to anyone that I woud persuade, influence, or convince her. She and I discussed that long ago that she will have to make the decision. Hence why she's seeking counseling (although much of what the counselor has told her is what I've told her in the past). The fact that she's seeking counseling I believe says a lot anyway. She could just as easily say no and end it. But she knows there's a reason and when she finds it through counseling as to why she's with me more than him, then that reason will be made clear to her. A waiting game. (See Dr. Kalish's book on Lost Loves Reuinited. Perfectly good marriages have ended because the spark never was there and the spouse realizes their undying love for that special lost love and THAT union grew)

[N0help4u]

The real question is how long are you going to live with her not making any changes though?

You can't go on indefinitely with her calling all the shots and not ever having to make an ultimate decision of him or you.
She could go at it forever playing both ends against the middle. Why would you want that?

[HistorianChick]

Bravo! I really agree. I never intended to convey to anyone that I woud persuade, influence, or convince her. She and I discussed that long ago that she will have to make the decision. Hence why she's seeking counseling (although much of what the counselor has told her is what I've told her in the past). The fact that she's seeking counseling I believe says alot anyway. She could just as easily say no and end it. But she knows there's a reason and when she finds it through counseling as to why she's with me more than him, then that reason will be made clear to her. A waiting game. (See Dr. Kalish's book on Lost Loves Reuinited. Perfectly good marriages have ended because the spark never was there and the spouse realizes their undying love for that special lost love and THAT union grew)

Thank you for the book recommendation, but I really have no interest in marriages that broke up. You see, my example for marriage was the perfect, idyllic match - my parents. They both had pasts, but they made their present, lived for the future, and made a timeless story... a story that was only the preface to mine.

I, too, am a hopeless romantic... but I also know that, for me, there is a reason why the past is in the past. It could never make it to my present.

I've had my heart broken, I've lost loves, I've broken hearts, and yes, I was someone's best. But that is in my past. Circumstances dictated that it be in the past. And, I'm OK with that.

When I marry, it will be forever... because that's who I am. I will marry a man who knows that it will be forever... because that's who he is. For me, it's as simple as that.

And those that are married have that choice to make... whether they will remain forever intertwined...

**EDIT**
REading back over that, it really has nothing to do with the OP... sorry about that! I just got on a literary tangent...

Just let them be. Let her make her own mind. Take the high road. Wait if you choose, but just let her be.

[amicon]

Hi. I think the fact that you re posting here shows that a part of you is already aware that many things are not right in this relationship of yours.have you considered counselling for you?

[N0help4u]

His therapist said 'Go for it' in so many words

[sully123]

You really think God is sending you signs to commit a sin? Isn't this one of the Ten Commandments? And you think you are a sign from God? Or that it's God's will that you be together? NO WAY! Sorry.

You are just making yourself appear more and more naive. She's playing you, open your eyes.

You really think that telling her parents would bring the two of you together? If she tells her strictly Catholic parents that she is cheating on her husband, you think they'll tell her to divorce him and marry the man that ended that marriage. NO.

And whether or not the marriage was bad before you came along, you are the driving force for its dysfunction at this point. Why would you do that? Don't you see how wrong all of your actions with this woman are? If you truly believe in God, ask the head of your church what he thinks you should do.

Beautifully said

[sweet1028]

It's why she's seeking counseling (4 months) to figure out why she's hesistant (b/c he's got a "good heart") and she's making progress. Once counselor and her sort through issues it is her hope that she will divorce with a clear conscience knowing she tried everything.

How can she possibly come to the point where she has tried everything with her husband? She isn't worried about making it work, she is out with another man. YOU. And for that matter if she does so happen to divorce her husband and be with you, what if things go wrong in your marriage...how would you feel if she was doing you the same way as she is her husband now? How will you be able to fully trust her? And without trust, how can you build a successful relationship? Just an opinion, but a few things for you to think about.

One other Q is this: Don't ya think she should tell her parents? They have much influence over her and and put her husband in higher regards than her as he cooks, cleans, etc. while she brings home the paycheck. Makes her upset and me too b/c they don't know all the lies (how he's killed her dreams and wishes, never any intimacy, connection). He's 15 years older than her and has neck problems enough to not do factory work but app. he's able to swing a sledge hammer and bust up cement steps and put in a wood entry way. (A first rate BS con man if ya ask me).

She chose this man to be her husband no matter what BS excuses she is throwing at you. She is married to him, if there was problems from the start, she wouldn't be with him now. Just like she left you when the two of you had problems, she could have done the same with him. Fact is, she didn't leave him. She married him, she's lieing to you.



2nd Q: He says he doesn't believe in divorce except adultry is grounds for divorce. He suspected his first wife of having an affair. But isn't it possible that if she told him everything he could change his belief and file?

Why should he file? She is the one wanting out of the relationship. She is the one cheating on him. She is the one wanting to be with another man. She thinks it is never going to work. She doesn't want to be the divorcer...why? Could it be that if he divorces her over having an affair that she won't get as much of the assets as she is wanting? Is she thinking possibly that if she divorces him that in court she will be at fault and not receive anything? Who knows? But if she does love you, she would divorce him. No excuses!

One other bit: She has Int. cysti. which can limit sex b/c pain. With him it never happened-too painful. When we did it, miraculously no pain! Explain that. Seems to be another sign that she and I are supposed to be together. Recog. it's wrong but she and I both know we want to marry and we're in our 30's not just some 18 year olds who aren't aware of implications.

This makes me laugh! Honey men are made differently which you should know that already. If he's hurting her, and you are not haha it doesn't mean that the two of you are meant to be together. Wow! What a way to make a point!