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jmjoseph · Aug 9, 2009, 03:22 PM

Originally Posted by chicago95

I'm lookin' for agreement maybe that she should tell him what's really going on. I'm lookin' for maybe any experience where this has happened and the husband does leave or file for divorce. I find it hard to believe that he'd be fine and let it continue. She says he loves her and cares for her but both his actions toward her and hers toward him convey otherwise. I guess she couldn't even tell him she loved him when he told her he loved her.

I'm looking for agreement in my belief that if he knew what has transpired and had her best interests at hand that he'd grow a pair and give her the divorce she wants. Because right now she thinks she has to categorically dislike every aspect of him to divorce...and all of us know that that is a ridiculous idea. You look at what's best for you and what will make you happy in this life right?

Right here you said "... he'd grow a pair..."

How about this. Why don't you call this guy and tell him that you're sleeping with his wife. Why don't you do that. With everything that you've told us. You said he wouldn't divorce her unless it was infidelity, so call him. Where's your pair?

Let us know how it goes.

N0help4u · Aug 9, 2009, 03:24 PM

Originally Posted by chicago95

Wow! That's something I never really considered. When I ask her if she loves him, she says no. Do you wanna spend the rest of your life with him? No. She and I are even seeing counselors/pscyh 'cuz she feels this is happening for a reason and wants to know what's holding her back and mine has told me to keep seeing her, that her issues are workable, that it's apparent she loves me and were it not for that, it might be hopeless. Guess love conquers all? But a real Q is this. Her dysfunctional husband is also seeing a counselor...she doesn't know why nor has asked (they talk very little). Might he be trying to cope or try to justify getting a divorce as he has told her he doesn't believe in divorce but also stated adultery is grounds for divorce. Can't help but think if she really told him what was going on, he wouldn't be so understanding. But she doesn't want to be the adulterer...even though she already is. Thoughts?

She can't have it both ways. If she is feels things are happening for a reason she needs to pick her path and follow it. Right now she is holding back and wanting it both ways. Not disrupting her married life and not ready to give all to you. Yes she needs to get divorced and be with you but will she? Until then she is being unfair to you and to her husband no matter how bad their relationship may be.

chicago95 · Aug 9, 2009, 03:26 PM

Originally Posted by sully123

Sorry but God isn't going to bring you together with all the faith and trust you have in him. She is committing adultery, and your destroying her marriage. Bottom line, your the reason her marriage isn't working. It won't sit with God.

I did not destroy her marriage. She had been thinking for a long time about leaving... in fact praying for a sign. Maybe I'm that sign... maybe not. A bit odd though considering I called her up shortly after her cry to the heavens without even knowing all of this. Her marriage isn't working because it never worked. She reassured me and has told the counselor she doesn't regret me coming back into her life and in fact is glad. Now she's figuring out the reason all of this is occurring. Cite her strict Cath. Upbringing, overbearing parents... whatever. I know she has issues which is why she's going to counseling when others would simply divorce.

Me walking away would involve absolving myself of comm.interaction with her. I would be out of her marriage for her to see whether to meet me in the isle or leave me in the wilderness. THAT is what I meant. God's will you know?

chicago95 · Aug 9, 2009, 03:31 PM

Originally Posted by jmjoseph

Right here you said "... he'd grow a pair..."

How about this. Why don't you call this guy and tell him that you're sleeping with his wife. Why don't you do that. With everything that you've told us. You said he wouldn't divorce her unless it was infidelity, so call him. Where's your pair?

Let us know how it goes.

Seriously? I mean I have thought of that. She's certain this will all come out in the open sometime and hopefully he'll divorce her... but that would be letting fate happen instead of intervening. Wow! I do find myself in agreement. And that is precisely from the same vein that I'm taping into that everyone has there limits even a passive guy like him. If I wait long enough, something will be forced to happen. Never heard of a husband being content to let his wife have a life long affair knowing full well what is going on. Right?

Thank you though!

N0help4u · Aug 9, 2009, 03:35 PM

Yeah I'd tell her 'IF you don't tell him I will' and see what she has to say to that.
Don't just let yourself be her side dish for you.
You are wasting your life if that is all you'll ever be to her. You could be out finding someone right for you if she isn't going to make a decision.

jmjoseph · Aug 9, 2009, 04:01 PM

"in fact praying for a sign. Maybe I'm that sign..."

Do you really think you are a sign from GOD? Are you kidding me?

Your name here should be " burningbush95"

ChihuahuaMomma · Aug 9, 2009, 04:13 PM

You really think God is sending you signs to commit a sin? Isn't this one of the Ten Commandments? And you think you are a sign from God? Or that it's God's will that you be together? NO WAY! Sorry.

You are just making yourself appear more and more naïve. She's playing you, open your eyes.

You really think that telling her parents would bring the two of you together? If she tells her strictly Catholic parents that she is cheating on her husband, you think they'll tell her to divorce him and marry the man that ended that marriage. NO.

And whether the marriage was bad before you came along, you are the driving force for its dysfunction at this point. Why would you do that? Don't you see how wrong all of your actions with this woman are? If you truly believe in God, ask the head of your church what he thinks you should do.

N0help4u · Aug 9, 2009, 04:17 PM

She may be playing him as a side dish only that is why he needs to come up with plan B and call her *bluff

chicago95 · Aug 9, 2009, 04:24 PM

Originally Posted by ChihuahuaMomma

You really think God is sending you signs to commit a sin? Isn't this one of the Ten Commandments? And you think you are a sign from God? Or that it's God's will that you be together? NO WAY! Sorry.

You are just making yourself appear more and more naive. She's playing you, open your eyes.

You really think that telling her parents would bring the two of you together? If she tells her strictly Catholic parents that she is cheating on her husband, you think they'll tell her to divorce him and marry the man that ended that marriage. NO.

And whether or not the marriage was bad before you came along, you are the driving force for its dysfunction at this point. Why would you do that? Don't you see how wrong all of your actions with this woman are? If you truly believe in God, ask the head of your church what he thinks you should do.

Your greatly construing my words. I do NOT think God is sending me signs. I'm not that religious but I do feel it's a bit too coincidental that her marriage is bad and all the signs she's been given to leave. Then praying for a sign and out of the blue I call her and she calls me back. Plus not being able to consummate a marriage because of the pain is absent with us. And that would not have taken place had she any doubts about us. Yes, I can't help that life is trying to correct for mistakes that should not have been made. But I do have a conscience... why else would I be on here and wanting to spend the rest of my life with her? If I had none, wouldn't I be happy the way things are or send pics of us to him? I don't think so. Gess. Cut me some slack. You don't know the whole picture.

friend4u178 · Aug 9, 2009, 04:26 PM

And this has already gone on for 2 years!!

Says it all really.

ChihuahuaMomma · Aug 9, 2009, 04:35 PM

You're right, we don't know the whole picture. Just what you have painted for us. And that is you disrupting someone else's marriage, trying to steal his wife, her wanting her cake and eating it too and you sitting idly by while she does.

Please re-read what I wrote. I never said that God was sending you signs. You said that you were a sign from God to her. I whole-heartedly disagree here.

And no if you have a conscience you'd not be messing with a married woman.

Gemini54 · Aug 9, 2009, 04:46 PM

This thread is going from the sublime to the ridiculous.

I have never read so many justifications and excuses for an affair, and I have never read so many justifications and excuses for not leaving (a supposedly) unhappy marriage.

My only question, on reading all the posts is - if the cuckolded husband is SO awful, why doesn't she leave? Heaven's knows she's had years to do so!

Answer - because she doesn't want to. It's as simple as that. All the stuff about her strict Catholic upbringing is just an excuse.

There is something in the drama and emotion of this situation that is keeping you all stuck in this dysfunctional triangle, and it sounds like she is pulling the strings. You and the poor hubby are the puppets that dance to her tune.

My husband's ex wife (who is a malignant narcissist) is currently doing the same thing to her new husband - been with him for about 9 years, claims he does not satisfy her needs (but continues to live with him as she's a 'practicing Anglican'), has met her soul mate (yea right) and is having an affair with him whilst telling him that she can't leave her marriage yet. And they both stay!

As I said in my post (some time ago, now) - take off those rose colored glasses because I can't help but feel that you're being seriously used by a master manipulator.

N0help4u · Aug 9, 2009, 04:52 PM

Yep you ain't no practicing Catholic if on one hand you don't believe in divorce yet you justify adultery.

none12345 · Aug 9, 2009, 04:57 PM

Firstly, God do not send signs to disrupt a marriage. The couple made a vow in front of God to be with each other till death do part and yet God would send signs to disrupt his will? Doesn't make sense to me.

chicago95 · Aug 9, 2009, 05:03 PM

Originally Posted by none12345

Firstly, God do not send signs to disrupt a marriage. The couple made a vow in front of God to be with eachother till death do part and yet God would send signs to disrupt his will? Doesnt make sense to me.

Maybe it wasn't His will? If marriage is God's will so often, then why are there so many divorces. I think God is much stronger than that. I believe God understands we make mistakes in life. And I also believe he tries to show us the way with signs. Often we miss them (i.e so many red flags in her marriage like him not being emotional or intimate) but He continues to try and show us. Over the 6 years, I'm told her marriage hasn't gotten any better... tolerable but to be with a guy just because he's nice is not a reason to stay married if you don't love that person.

Enough said. I'm done. I have my therapist. I thank you for the input some of you were good... alot were very attacking. But it's been interesting.

ChihuahuaMomma · Aug 9, 2009, 05:07 PM

NO ONE here has been attacking. We are honest, and someone needs to get through your head.

Again, maybe she doesn't belong with him. Who knows? But you are interfering where you have no business.

ChihuahuaMomma · Aug 9, 2009, 05:10 PM

The best part is you came here when you first got back in contact with her, and asked if you should pursue it. And you were told it was a bad idea and to move on.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/dating...er-124764.html

N0help4u · Aug 9, 2009, 05:14 PM

I agree chicago. We often marry the wrong one because we do have free will. God allows for divorce because of adultery. Thing is she can't have it both ways. If she is using not divorcing because of her Catholic belief then she can't use adultery as her answer to satisfying her unhappy marriage.

She needs put on the spot to make a decision one way or another. The last thing God is into is having your cake and eating it too when it comes to infidelity.

I would tell her that she has to make a decision and tell him or you are and while your at it get hubby's side of the story too.

mary79 · Aug 9, 2009, 05:16 PM

I really think you should just avoid getting let down. First, She would divorce if she wanted to. Second, if her husband is religious/spiritual then he would not hold back divorcing her because the bible does allow divorce for adultery. It is not against God. So maybe she isn't being entirely honest with you. If she doesn't love him then why are they married? You don't just say "i do" if you don't love eachother. I am in a relationship were he cheated twice. I put my foot down and packed and left him with our daughter and baby on the way. He just was so miserable and begged me to come back. I told him if he loves me he needs to be faithful. His father was the same way so i can see why he was that way. Now he has not cheated. My point is that he was spending time with and being intimate with someone eles. They always thought they meant something. But when I found out, he totally cut them off. These women knew about me so I did not pity them. I simply let them know that they were just used for one thing and did not matter to him. I believe a woman who knows a man is involved or married should know better. Also she is just a wh*re to try to take another womans man. I feel it goes both ways. I wish you luck with this, but i don't believe she will leave her husband for you. Just like my man told his "women on the side" lies about me just to get his way. She may be doing the same. She may also have marriage problems but for some reason doesn't want to throw it away

chicago95 · Aug 9, 2009, 05:18 PM

Originally Posted by ChihuahuaMomma

The best part is you came here when you first got back in contact with her, and asked if you should pursue it. And you were told it was a bad idea and to move on.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/dating...er-124764.html

I remember well. And many said nothing will come of it... well look where I am now. I'm quite certain everyone would be surprised things have gone so well with her and I. Again, this a woman who is not your typical girl... otherwise a divorce would've followed a long time. She takes her time... and I guess I understand it because she wants to be as sure as she can... especially considering living with me after I hurt her so bad. So, I knew it was going to be rough. But giving her self to me physically, spiritually, and emotionally is pretty good I say.

And you must admit, it is very strange why her husband sits back and lets all this happen. He's a pacifist and knows she's going to do what she wants so why fight it. Sounds like a toxic rel'p to me. To not fight for your wife nor care what she does? Crazy and sick!