[chuff]

Please...something grant me the stregth to survive this .

You have the strength. You just need to recognize it.

[Synnen]

Honey, you ARE strong enough to survive this.

We're all here, we're all holding your hands, and we all care for you. Can't you feel us praying for you? Can't you feel the hope that we have for you?

WE know you can do this! WE believe in you. Why in the world would we be mad or disappointed? Worried about you--of course we are that! But that doesn't mean we don't understand how hard this is, and how much it hurts.

I second the motion of you going to a domestic violence shelter. You NEED to be away from him!

Remember--we're here holding your hand and cheering for you and hoping for you---but YOU have to take the steps. We'll be by your side the whole way, but each step has to be your own.

Sending many caring thoughts and much love and hope your way. Keep your chin up.

[mum45]

hmm, i dont mean to be a , but clearly u are psychotic. can ur marriage survive domestic violence? hmm, let me think. well yeah sure, if you're into pain, humiliation and abuse. i was reading and there are 14 pages on this topic all with people trying to convince u to leave him and hmm, let me see. i guess u haven't. why am i not surprised? well no worries, hey, i think u should just stay with him, and maybe one day he'll choke u to death, then u wont have this dilemma anymore coz you'll be DEAD. but hey, at least you'll be problem free. so literally, not i dont think ur marriage can survive domestic violence, coz a marriage consists of 2 people, and when u die, it'll just be one left so guess not huh?

Wow. I remember all the people who knew I was being abused. I remember the people who loved me that were so frustrated with me, but I don't ever remember being lashed out at that harshly, even though some probably really wanted to!! And probably did behind closed doors! I just remember that I left him 9 times, then the 10th time stuck. It takes support, support, support. If it weren't for the support from the Domestic Violence counselors, going to court with me when I was afraid to go by myself, being right there for me when I needed someone every time, having a shelter when I needed to run to another state, I may have gone back a 10th, 11th, 15th time. Just a question of which one of those times they would have been coming to get my body, instead of me leaving.

The mental control an abuser has over a victim starts very slowly. They manipulate, isolate, and use many tactics. A victim (not only women, even men), end up so isolated, even from family (or at least they are convinced they are over a matter of time), and their abuser has a lot of control over them. They may not even physically abuse them at first, but the abusers behavior scares them in so many ways. Then the physical abuse sets in, after the mental and emotional abuse has been firmly established. At least, that's the way it was for me. Every case is different in its own way.

I guess what I am trying to say is: A victim of domestic violence is not pshycotic. They are not into pain, humiliation, or abuse. They are not even weak. I had in my own head the idea of a "battered woman", and that picture was not me, a person successful in my career, intelligent, with a lot of friends, and respect from my co-workers and the company I worked for. My picture of a battered woman was quite different. Until I moved into a shelter that had even corporate exec. Wives there. People from all walks of life.

This lady is not a hopeless case. No victim is. No one should be written off. She deserves all the support she came here to get. I, for one, and many others will not give up on her. If you come here for support, DeeplyDisturbed, you will get the same support she has been given, I am sure. I do hope you come to have a more open mind while you are here, learning from others life's journeys.

[basketballlover]

GET OUT OF THERE. Seriously, this is not a healthy place to be and even if he says he sees the error of his ways he obviously doesn't. Love doesn't hurt.
Love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous. Love is never boastful or conceited. It is never rude or selfish. It does not take offense and is not resentful. If he loves you he would never hurt you. Not even is he was mad. He sounds like he is very controlling and hurtful. I have been in an abusive relationship and trust me, you have to get out.

[basketballlover]

You can never really erase the hurt. It is always going to be there. You just have to learn to block it out. But you will never forget. It is unfortunate this has befallen you but keep strong.

[Aaro]

I am so sorry you had to go through that. Get away, fast as you can, just say you are going shopping or something, then get to a friend or family. File a police report, get your things. I would also personally get a restraining order.

You are going to get hurt badly. This may sound negative, and it may even be true, or maybe it has already happened, but he may go as far as to rape you, which is NOT something you want to go through. I know this from a very good friend of mine, please, just get away from him.

[Aaro]

I went through and read all of your recent posts, instead of just the first one. Get out now. You WILL die there. I am sorry, but if you cannot see him for the sorry excuse of life that he is, then you yourself have problems. If he loved you, he wouldn't hurt you. I am just going to be honest with you. In my opinion, he does not deserve life(if what you say is true). Do all that you can to get away. Your mom is very right; you need to help yourself. You have two jobs you say? Find a way back to your family, and get new jobs. He is doing nothing but ruining your life.

[DoulaLC]

I can see where deeplydisturbed is coming from... sometimes it does take a "kick in the pants" to get someone to take action and move forward.

Individuals will have different responses to what they are told. How often are the parents on this site, who have kids not pulling their weight, told to take a tough love approach and put them out if they don't behave how they should? That certainly isn't an easy thing for most parents to do. Most continue to hope things will change, their pleas for change will somehow suddenly become effective, that somehow... after years of this behavior things will end.

Some people will respond better to loving support, compassion, encouragement, "you can really do this, we are behind you", while for others it will take a tough love approach... "stop the nonsense, it can't be done half-way, you know what needs to be done, bite the bullet and do it" before they make a change.

Different approaches hoping for the same outcome.

[winding200]

Loveanimals,

You have to RUN hard right now. You are confused and afraid to leave him since he is threatening you and playing a game with you. He will destroy you very badly, and there is NO CURE for this relationship.
RUN! Be safe! Find a woman shelter if you need help. There are so many hotlines to help women in violence. File a police report ASAP. Please start a new Life!

[JudyKayTee]

I can see where deeplydisturbed is coming from....sometimes it does take a "kick in the pants" to get someone to take action and move forward.

Individuals will have different responses to what they are told. How often are the parents on this site, who have kids not pulling their weight, told to take a tough love approach and put them out if they don't behave how they should?? That certainly isn't an easy thing for most parents to do. Most continue to hope things will change, their pleas for change will somehow suddenly become effective, that somehow...after years of this behavior things will end.

Some people will respond better to loving support, compassion, encouragement, "you can really do this, we are behind you", while for others it will take a tough love approach...."stop the nonsense, it can't be done half-way, you know what needs to be done, bite the bullet and do it" before they make a change.

Different approaches hoping for the same outcome.

But my concern is that some people are unable to write without text speak, which makes me wonder about the age and experience of the person responding. Good advice or bad advice this is an 18 year old with a 38 year old boyfriend. Read some of the other posts - enlightening. Lots of ranting and raving, not much sound advice.

Of course, only my opinion - carry on.

[ANB428]

I have been reading your posts and I just wanted to tell you my story. I was in an abusive relationship myself.

My daughter's father was really abusive to me. He convinced me to pick up and move to California from Texas (thousands of miles away from ANYONE that I knew). When I turned 18 I got pregnant. My daughter's father was extremely abusive to me. He would smother me (by holding his hand over my mouth and nose) and throw me around while I was pregnant and kick me in my stomach. One day I left him and got on a plane and flew to AL where my family was. I stayed there for three days. My ex was begging me back and swearing to me that he would change and go to counseling and blah blah blah. So, I went back. Only to get beat up and chocked the rest of my pregnancy. When my daughter was born I knew that I had to leave him, but I didn't want to. I wanted to make it work and believed all of his lies to change. He would always suck me back in by making it seem like it was my fault that he beat me up. He would say, "Well, if you wouldn't have argued with me then it wouldn't have esclated." What kind of remark is that? The neighbor's would always call the cops on us when we were fighting. Every time they came I was too scared to say anything to them but they knew what was going on. My daughter's father told me that he would kill me if I told them anything and that if I had gotten him put in jail that he would get out eventually and he would come after me. So, I was too scared to make a police report or put him in jail. One day we had gotten into a huge fight when my daughter was two months old and he busted my mouth open, he threw me into the wall and started smothering me. Then our daughter started crying and then he stopped. So I went to go get my daughter and as soon as I got her he came up behind me and put a knife up to my throat. He didn't do anything and after he calmed down he started crying to me telling me that he was so sorry and that he didn't know what the hell he was thinking. Right then and there I knew that I had to leave. I had no choice.

My next mission was to figure out what I was going to do and where I was going to go. So, I called my mom. She told me that she had already bought me plane tickets to leave him and I went back to him three days later. She told me to figure it out on my own. So, here I was 19 years old with a two month old child in California, far away from anyone that I knew. I had no money because my daughter's father didn't want me to work because he thought that I would sleep with someone at work. How ridiculous is that? So, no money, no friends or family, nothing ecxept for a child that depended solely on me. I went to a church and they got me into a domestic violence shelter. I took as much of my daughter's things as I could and I loaded my car up, I left everything else. (my leather couches, bed, kitchen stuff, my clothes, my purse, everything) When I went to the shelter, they helped me get a restraining order and custody, they also helped me get on my feet and get some of my belongings back (my purse and some of my clothes). I went back to school and got my diploma and I got a job. Then they helped me get into an apartment. They helped me get away from him, they helped me get counseling. They helped me out so much. That was the best thing that I could have ever done. They helped me make a better future for me and my daughter.

My advice to you is to leave him. I know that it is going to be really hard. But, one day you may not have that chance to be able to leave him because he will have killed you. This is not something that you should be taking lightly. This is extremely serious. Many women go back to their abusers multiple times, I know that I did. But, at some point you need to leave for good and never look back. That is what I did. It hurt like hell, espically since he was the father of my child and I wanted to try to make things work for our family. I just couldn't listen to the lies anymore of how he swore that he would change. I couldn't have my child grow up thinking that it was okay for a man to hit a woman. I couldn't keep my daughter in danger. I did it more for my daughter than myself, but I am so happy that I did it. There are many other fish out in the sea, espically ones that don't abuse you and break you down to make you feel worthless. Life is to short to live it unhappy. You need to be happy and you never will until you remove your toxic husband out of your life. You don't want to stick around and wait for him to kill you, because then it will be too late. Good luck and if you need any advice or ideas to get out, just let me know and I will try to help you. I hope that you leave! You will be in my prayers.

[N0help4u]

As long as he denies his abuse for what it was it is still in him to do it again.
I would be very cautious of staying with him.
You should not have to fear being yourself when it conflicts with his way. He is a control freak and abusive. You are an enabler because he gets his way.

[LovesAnimals]

Hi... I haven't posted in a while because I had a very bad week and was actually embarrassed at my behavior and how I'm handling everything...

I couldn't keep it together last week just crying uncontrolably at work, at home... just didn't matter. I called in sick to work. I had no drive at all. I called my Dr. for more Xanx because I was running low. I was so upset when I called (crying) that they prescribed Wellbutrin. I've only been taking it for a little less than a week but I hope it helps... something has to!

After this long weekend I'm in denial, denial, denial... but that touching story of exerience ANB428 and all your posts brought me back towards a reality state! I'm seeing the ADV counselor again tomorrow so maybe she can help me straighten my head out more... My husband and I had an okay weekend but really that's not good enough. From your posts it's help remind me that what he did wasn't okay and I should not be okay with going on with life as is... I'm really realized with my breakdown last week I'm not strong enough right now emotionally.. I'm so mad at myself! I'm hoping the anti depresents help... and the counselor and all you caring people...

I'm safe... and still plugging away at getting things straightened out. You haven't given up hope on me so I'm not giving up hope in myself either... ;) Thank you ;)

[liz28]

Nobody is giving up on you because everyone wants the best for you and overall wants you to be safe.

[Survivor07]

I'm not giving up on you either. Your state of being would greatly improve when you're away from him, though. You may not think that... I didn't when it was me, but I'll tell you I had never been happier the months after I left him. I couldn't believe how much better I felt, looked and acted. It was an amazing transformation.

Be safe.

[N0help4u]

Hi....I haven't posted in a while because I had a very bad week and was actually embarassed at my behavior and how I'm handling everything....

I couldn't keep it together last week just crying uncontrolably at work, at home...just didn't matter. I called in sick to work. I had no drive at all. I called my Dr. for more Xanx because I was running low. I was so upset when I called (crying) that they prescribed Wellbutrin. I've only been taking it for a little less than a week but I hope it helps...something has to!

After this long weekend I'm in denial, denial, denial... but that touching story of exerience ANB428 and all your posts brought me back towards a reality state! I'm seeing the ADV counselor again tomorrow so maybe she can help me straighten my head out more... My husband and I had an okay weekend but really that's not good enough. From your posts it's help remind me that what he did wasn't okay and I should not be okay with going on with life as is... I'm really relized with my breakdown last week I'm not strong enough right now emotionally....! I'm so mad at myself! I'm hoping the anti depresents help...and the counselor and all you caring people...

I'm safe...and still plugging away at getting things straightened out. You haven't given up hope on me so I'm not giving up hope in myself either... ;) Thank you ;)

See you shouldn't have to go through all the crying and depression and hurts to have a relationship. Can you really call that love when you feel buried under emotions that overwhelm YOU?
You shouldn't have to be taking anti depressants, you shouldn't have to be running to counselors. You should be out being you and enjoying life and love AND being loved BACK.

[chuff]

You haven't given up hope on me so I'm not giving up hope in myself either... ;) Thank you ;)

There are no quitters here. If you stop and think about yourself and all you've gone through you might start seeing the woman who hasn't quit either. There is strength there. There is strength surrounding you. All you have to do is accept it.

[mum45]

I remember the first time I took an antidepressant. Very soon afterwards was the first time I had actually slept well in years! In a few weeks, I threw my hands up in the air, and gave it all over to God, and told Him wherever He gave me the direction to go, I would go... and He gave me a plan, He gave me some courage, strength, and I swear he gave me a pair of testicles too!! (I carry them around in my purse to loan to people that need them, lol... sending them to LovesAnimals).. So, maybe that Wellbutrin may be her first step towards freedom, as it was mine!!

[LovesAnimals]

He everyone...

I'm leaving work here in the next 15 minutes to go to my second job and I went back to reread some of the things I've written and some of the things you have written.

With the new meds I'm a little more even kilter so I'm not a bumbling idiot all the time but I'm still not okay. He still asks me "what wrong" like he doesn't already know. I tell him I'm not okay and he just responds that he's not okay either. Then it's a tit for tat argument from him. I'm just stressed and worn out.

I'm in my early 30's but I feel like I've already lived a lifetime of experiences. Not only do I work two jobs I have to keep it a secret so it's like living two different lives... it's very draining.

I keep feeling like I'm failing him if I don't do right by him. Reading everything I've written and you've written I know deep down that I'm not. He failed himself! But I need to get over that guilt and feeling and once I do then I will begin to heal and so will he. Until then I'm going to be stuck in this limbo just existing. This is what most of you have been telling me in a round about way and straight out!! It finally sunk in today now the big decision of to wait things out for the court stuff of deal with it now...

Anyway, just wanted to let you know I am safe still but my situation has not changed. Sorry to disappoint... but thank you for the continued support. You really don't know how much it really does mean to me. Sounds silly that perfect strangers could have such an affect on me but you really do...

[chuff]

I keep feeling like I'm failing him if I don't do right by him.

How you feel about doing right for yourself?

Your destiny is not tied to another person, it's belongs to you.