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jaime90 · Feb 4, 2010, 06:52 PM

Your fiance's guilty feeling is a good thing. He has no right to be controlling, and he now realizes that. Why are you not happy that he wants to change his ways?

Cat1864 · Feb 4, 2010, 09:08 PM

This will probably be merged with your other thread. (Technically, that is where it should have been asked). Until they are merged or for more of the story:
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...nt-441325.html

I am going to quote something I said in your other thread:

You can't continue to live in fear of anyone getting upset with you or what you are afraid they might do. Your fiancé raises his voice and you run off crying. That is emotionally damaging to him as well as yourself. If it hasn't started already, it will, at some point in time, start causing him to walk on eggshells around you for fear of how you will react. He won't feel that he can be open and honest with you or tell you anything negative. It is emotional control over what he thinks and what he does. A relationship cannot survive under that kind of strain. It needs both people working together to be strong and healthy.

It sounds like he is at the point where he needs a partner not a puppy. He needs someone who will help him build a relationship instead of rely on him to provide one.

I would be concerned that he may be feeling like having that much control and responsibility is too much at his age. He may also be worried that he is turning into your father or mother by controlling your life.

You need to be fair to both of you and not put so much pressure on him to be in charge. You need to take control of your life. You need to be proactive about your health care and your health. Don't make anyone else responsible for making certain you eat or take your medicines (when you are supposed to). Show him that you are maturing emotionally instead getting stuck in a child-like mentality of having all of your decisions made for you.

I have read enough of your writing to know that there is a very strong young woman in you who will not like being kept locked up inside for much longer. You may think you enjoy being submissive to him, but that is only because it seems more stable than what you have at home. Take away the stress of your home life and I don't think being totally obedient to him will seem that acceptable.

EmoPrincess · Feb 8, 2010, 05:03 PM

I agree Cat, it's just a big transition for me, going from control in every aspect of life to pure freedom

Cat1864 · Feb 9, 2010, 07:26 AM

Originally Posted by xXxEmOxXxPrInCeSsxXx

I agree Cat, it's just a big transition for me, going from control in every aspect of life to pure freedom

There is still control in your life. Self-control. You only have as much 'freedom' as you allow yourself. :)

EmoPrincess · Feb 17, 2010, 03:33 PM

Update:

My fiancé is now just my boyfriend. He feels like he is growing up too fast and also was afraid of his dad and stepdad finding out, so the stress was too much for him.

I'm starting to be comfortable with my boyfriend not controlling me.

As for my issues, I am going to talk to a therapist once a week. My guidance counselor found one for me.

Things at home are starting to be pretty calm. As long as this stays calm, I'm fine with it. The second my dad steps over the line, I am reporting it. Right now dad is being pretty good because he is trying to convince my mum not to leave in the summer. She swore we still will in the summer, regardless of how he's appeared to change, because no matter how he treats us now, it will never erase the past.

Thank you all so much for your advice and insight so far. You all have become like a family to me, and I greatly appreciate it.

Cat1864 · Feb 17, 2010, 03:59 PM

I am glad that you and your boyfriend are slowing things down. I hope the counselor helps this time. Talking to someone face to face is a lot different than talking to us.

As for the family life, I hope everything works out for the best. :)

EmoPrincess · Feb 17, 2010, 03:59 PM

Originally Posted by Cat1864

I am glad that you and your boyfriend are slowing things down. I hope the counselor helps this time. Talking to someone face to face is a lot different than talking to us.

As for the family life, I hope everything works out for the best. :)

Thanks Cat!

I hope so too

Wondergirl · Feb 17, 2010, 04:11 PM

Originally Posted by xXxEmOxXxPrInCeSsxXx

no matter how he treats us now, it will never erase the past.

I'm glad you're still with us, EP. You have a good head on your shoulders, and it's always fun and even enlightening to read your posts.

For your mother, there's no forgiving your father? What about counseling for them?

EmoPrincess · Feb 17, 2010, 04:17 PM

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

I'm glad you're still with us, EP. You have a good head on your shoulders, and it's always fun and even enlightening to read your posts.

For your mother, there's no forgiving your father? What about counseling for them?

He refuses, and she's been abused her whole life. First by her family, then when she was fourteen and first began a relationship with him, by him. Until now. That's years of trying again and chances.

shazamataz · Feb 18, 2010, 06:32 PM

I thought the (now) boyfriend broke the engagement because he had feeling for another girl?

Don't make excuses for him.

It's probably not the advice you want to hear but I think you need to just ditch the people who are treating you horribly and start fresh.

EmoPrincess · Feb 18, 2010, 06:35 PM

Originally Posted by shazamataz

I thought the (now) boyfriend broke the engagement because he had feeling for another girl?

Don't make excuses for him.

It's probably not the advice you want to hear but I think you need to just ditch the people who are treating you horribly and start fresh.

It was a misunderstanding Shaz,

Turns out he's had feelings for Waffle since beginning of 9th grade. I met him towards the end of his 9th grade year.

EmoPrincess · Feb 19, 2010, 11:48 AM

I have come to a realization. Though close in ages, me and my boyfriend are in different stages of our lives. Yes, he is a teen and I a teen. However, he is a teen inside and out. He has teen aspirations, a teen's temper, teen problems, and so on. I went through puberty around age 9. I mentally and physically matured much faster than I should have. I may be teen in age, but that's nearly it.

I do not relate to most people around my age, I think they are selfish, unreasonable, and need to mature. The only one to whom I do relate is my best friend. We talk about politics, philosophy, science, ethics, and the economy while other girls our age discuss their new lipgloss and getting drunk over the weekend. I related to teenagers when I was 10, I relate more to adults now that I'm 17. My mother just describes it as I'm a good kid because I've grown up too fast. I have no desire to go drinking at parties on the weekend. I'd rather sit at a coffee shop and talk talk about life.

My boyfriend has been asking me to "tone down" the adultness of our conversations and my attitude.

I am unsure of if I want to continue dumbing myself down like I have been. I am unsure if I want to wait out his teenage phase or look for someone more my speed.

Gemini54 · Feb 19, 2010, 03:30 PM

Originally Posted by xXxEmOxXxPrInCeSsxXx

I have come to a realization. Though close in ages, me and my boyfriend are in different stages of our lives. Yes, he is a teen and I a teen. However, he is a teen inside and out. He has teen aspirations, a teen's temper, teen problems, and so on. I went through puberty around age 9. I mentally and physically matured much faster than I should have. I may be teen in age, but that's nearly it.

I do not relate to most people around my age, I think they are selfish, unreasonable, and need to mature. The only one to whom I do relate is my best friend. We talk about politics, philosophy, science, ethics, and the economy while other girls our age discuss their new lipgloss and getting drunk over the weekend. I related to teenagers when I was 10, I relate more to adults now that I'm 17. My mother just describes it as I'm a good kid because I've grown up too fast. I have no desire to go drinking at parties on the weekend. I'd rather sit at a coffee shop and talk talk about life.

My boyfriend has been asking me to "tone down" the adultness of our conversations and my attitude.

I am unsure of if I want to continue dumbing myself down like I have been. I am unsure if I want to wait out his teenage phase or look for someone more my speed.

I don't think that you're unsure - your guts are telling you exactly what you need to do. Trust your intuition - you know what's right for you!

EmoPrincess · Feb 19, 2010, 03:49 PM

I honesltly don't know what I want

EmoPrincess · Feb 19, 2010, 03:55 PM

I want him. I love him. That I am sure of. I don't know if I want to just wait for him to mature or find someone else. I love him dearly

Gemini54 · Feb 19, 2010, 03:58 PM

Originally Posted by xXxEmOxXxPrInCeSsxXx

I honesltly don't know what I want

I am unsure of if I want to continue dumbing myself down like I have been. I am unsure if I want to wait out his teenage phase or look for someone more my speed.

This tells you! You sense that you don't want to dumb yourself down and you sense that you need to be with someone at a similar level of maturity. This is your intuition. If you're uncomfortable or doubtful about something - then it's not right.

EmoPrincess · Feb 19, 2010, 04:00 PM

Originally Posted by Gemini54

This tells you! You sense that you don't want to dumb yourself down and you sense that you need to be with someone at a similar level of maturity. This is your intuition. If you're uncomfortable or doubtful about something - then it's not right.

I'm doubting doubting as well... It's confusing. I love him deeply.

EmoPrincess · Feb 19, 2010, 04:57 PM

My boyfriend told me the thirteenth of this month he has feelings for another girl. Today, for about five minutes until I nearly broke up with him, his signature on his text messages was that girl's nickname.

breasie · Feb 19, 2010, 05:00 PM

Ask him in person see if he still has feeling for you (yn) good luck! ♥♥

Alty · Feb 19, 2010, 05:01 PM

Wow! Ouch!

You need to sit down and talk to him, ask him what's going on.

If he wants to play games then he can do it by himself. He has to fish or cut bait. If he wants to stay with you then he has to be faithful to you. It's the mature thing to do.

If he has feelings for someone else then he should tell you, break up with you and then move on. He's playing childish games, my 11 year old doesn't even do that.

Talk sweetie. Be calm, be assertive, let him know how you feel but don't start a fight. Just let it all out and tell him you're not happy about all of this.