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JDLNYC · Feb 14, 2009, 12:27 PM

Today was the first time I came home and when I found him still here... I was actually unhappy he was here. I just sat and waited for him to finally leave. At least I'm realizing he represents pain my life... and the less exposure I have to him... the better.

zeeniee · Feb 14, 2009, 04:22 PM

Keep moving on- your doing great and with all the hard work and effort your placing, it will only be a matter of time that your break and opportunity will come!
Good luck x

JDLNYC · Feb 15, 2009, 05:16 PM

Why are Sunday's always so bad? He left this morning at 10am.. I did my own thing today... but now... after 7pm... he never came back. I know I don't need to care... but how does one stay out that many hours in the middle of winter?

artlady · Feb 15, 2009, 08:18 PM

!3 years over and 13 pages of advice.. tell me it happened on the 13th...

13 has always been a lucky number for me.maybe you too?

williampmccarth · Feb 15, 2009, 08:28 PM

Let go and move on! I was married for about a year when I and my spouse realized that it wasn't going to work... We both hung on in agony, tourchering ourselves and each other for two more years before we finally called it quits. You already said that things weren't great. So stop being miserable, and let it go. Take this chance to rediscover yourself... really look at what you like to do, and who you want to be, and make that the new criteria of what you want in a mate.

Enjoy the adventure...

williampmccarth · Feb 15, 2009, 08:34 PM

Oh yea... you need to take a vacation to las vegas, and call me when you get here we'll have hella fun now that your single :)

JDLNYC · Feb 15, 2009, 10:17 PM

Well when he walked in I just said hi. I didn't engage him like I normally would and I've realized by complaining or starting a fight I just feed the power he already has over me. If I keep to myself and channel that anger and energy some other way... it gets better. Every week has been easier than the previous one. These last few days were the first days I could actually see never having in my life again. I always thought he was family and I would have him in my life in some form... but lately... I think he isn't high enough quality to remain in my life. He's just a destructive force. Who needs that

sillysammy · Feb 15, 2009, 11:50 PM

I feel for you. You are a lot like me. I have been in a relationship with my BF for almost 3 years and whenever I get close to him he burns me, you would think I would learn but I always go back. I too made him my whole life and am devistated when he breaks it off with me. I don't really have many friends to turn to. You need to stay strong!

JDLNYC · Feb 16, 2009, 07:21 AM

I now realize that making one person the center of your life is a recipe for disaster. You can't 100% count on anyone to always be there. This person in my life I completely trusted with every feeling I've ever had. Then in the course of a few months he changed and everything that I thought was safe... wasn't. I think the problem is that when we make one person so important (and we lack family and/or friends) we often run to them over and over even though they are hurting us... kind of how a child will still love a parent that beats them... its the only support and love they have.

A relationship is the last thing I am thinking of right now. I lost almost 10lbs in the last two weeks.. I'm on my way back to feeling attractive. I hope to be able to go dancing soon (even if I have to go by myself) and get back into a social life. I don't have any real friends to speak of but they take time. Time is all I have right now.

What I've learned is to keep my ex at arms length as much as I can. I love him dearly but I also hate him tremendously for what he's done to me. Those two emotions are very difficult to live with but my support group starts on Wed so I'm hoping it will be inspirational. We shall see. For now.. I just find small things I enjoy (even if I'm by myself) and I finally allow myself to enjoy it. I don't control my ex (and I realize I never really did... it was a false control I had).

Dare81 · Feb 17, 2009, 02:43 AM

I agree with you.I realized the same thing you did about making one person the center of attention.Never ever will I repeat the same mistake again.

In by the way how's the job search going.Take care of yourself and do go dancing.

JDLNYC · Feb 17, 2009, 07:19 AM

The job search is what it is... not great but its my only focus right now cause it's the only means for me to escape this place. He goes and comes at all hours and really ruins my nights. I know that's to be expected. Even Monday night... at 9pm... suddenly he has to run out.. I was upset but didn't share that with him. Not going to hand him the control or power anymore. Just job search, occasionally see a new friend and the gym. Just cleaning up various parts of my life that have been messed up since being with him. I just wanted to say last night... Just keep it in your pants for a few months and stop flaunting your pathetic needs in front of me. Get some self respect... but I wrote that in my journal and didn't speak to him. Best I can do right now.

Its like living with a disease... I have lost all respect for the man I used to love so much. He is no longer the person I thought he was. He's a snob and arrogant and he acts like it.

JDLNYC · Feb 18, 2009, 06:56 AM

Hey all... I have a second interview for that job I went for last week. Not getting my hopes up too high but at least that's one good thing going my way... oh and I lost another 2lbs. I just might take myself out dancing this weekend. My ex is still hot and cold to me... but I try to just remain neutral with him since riding that hot and cold with him was very hard. I even had my hair colored yesterday to wash that little bit of gray right out of my hair... lol.

I'm cautiously optimistic about my steps forward. Tonight is my support group so we'll see how that goes. These last three weeks have been such a journey. I hope it just gets better each week. One thing I am so thankful for... is being able to be here alone again... when the break up first happened I was terrified to be alone... hated him not being here. I'm beginning to LOVE it.

Empty Cans · Feb 25, 2009, 03:21 AM

How are things going JDLNYC?

JDLNYC · Mar 3, 2009, 09:13 PM

Things are going OK. Still no job. I've had a couple interviews but no luck yet. It's a daily routine to do resumes before doing the gym. I attended a support group a few times but found it wasn't for me. The group was basically people who had already been through this but like years ago. I was the only one who was going through this now. Didn't feel comfortable. My ex and I continue to be here... we are friendly but we keep our distance. We've had a few fights (where I was able to call him a cheat and stuff) but for the most part I just want to move on. My ex was away for about 5 days recently and it was heaven. I was so happy, slept so well and just really enjoyed my peace and quiet. He's leaving again soon so I'm looking forward to it.

All in all... baby steps... its been just about 5 weeks since it happened. I continue to learn so much about myself. I do know I will never forgive him for this and I doubt I will ever have him in my life again when this is over. Its hard to believe I'm saying that but I deserve so much better than to be treated so poorly. He's a dear person and he has done a lot for me... but it doesn't excuse what he's done.

JDLNYC · Mar 8, 2009, 06:59 AM

So last night was the first night my ex didn't come home. I am very bothered by it. Will I let him know that... no. Will I give him anything more than a hi and bye... no. After 13 years... I would have thought he could have waited a few months to not do this in front of me. How selfish and mean of him.

chuff · Mar 8, 2009, 07:53 AM

Originally Posted by JDLNYC

How selfish and mean of him.

His actions and character define him. His actions and character do NOT define you, do not accept his weakness as your own. His weakness is his and his alone.

JDLNYC · Mar 8, 2009, 04:08 PM

He didn't come home last night and he didn't come home all day today... still not home. For all I know he's been killed. I know I shouldn't worry... what a monster. I know that I will not give him any reaction when he does return. He's already done several "can we talk" things... where he sits... holds my hand and then does nothing else. He's been playing with my emotions and only I can stop that. If I show him I'm angry when he does get home then I hand
Him the control... something I won't do anymore.

On a positive note... I have an interview tomorrow for what appears to be a good job... one that I know I'm qualified for and the company is actually very friendly to me even prior to the interview. It's a start.

chuff · Mar 8, 2009, 04:10 PM

Originally Posted by JDLNYC

He didn't come home last night and he didn't come home all day today...still not home. For all I know he's been killed. I know I shouldn't worry...what a monster.

Would you get the insurance money?

Just kidding people, just kidding.

Maybe.