Hi everyone,

I've been in a relationship for the last 13 years. It wasn't a perfect relationship but after that many years you grow close to someone and you know so much about them. Last night I get the word they aren't in love with me anymore and by this morning I was being told they probably will move out shortly and won't be back tonight. I'm devastated! I tried to discuss what the problems were and possibly doing couples therapy but all my suggestions were shot down with "its not really you" and "Just let me go".

Any helpful words would be great appreciated. I knew there were problems but I also knew how much love I felt. I'm just lost...

What kind of dog lays that on a partner of such long term standing?

This is a good time for some more info, and a vent, or rant too! We understand. So what happened?

I don't even know what to say. We had dated for several years before moving in together. When we did the relationship wasn't perfect and after living together for about 4 years we decided to move apart to give each other room and hopefully help the relationship. After 3 years we were still together and decided to move back in together (that was 7 months ago). This crummy economy took my job so I have been unemployed (but trying very hard and helping around the home etc.. ). I even started therapy so I could try to feel better about things and deal with some issues of my own. Things seemed to finally be moving slowly in the right direction.

THen last night we sat down and I was told "I'm not in love with you anymore...I love you but I'm not in love with you". First I got real mad.. then I got real sad. By this morning I realized it wasn't a dream and on the way out I was told "I'm leaving...I probably won't be back tonight"... I said OK bye and without a word they walked out. Also I was told last night that they would probably have to move out since I don't have a job so I wouldn't be able to move out. I kept asking if we could finally do counseling or something to figure out the problems... and I was told just to let it go.

I've cried... I've prayed... and in between submitting resumes I've just sat in a dazed fog all morning. I don't know what (if anything) I should do next.

Your in shock, as you probably didn't see this coming. I mourn your loss with you, do you have friends or family who are a good shoulder at this time? I expect a lot of crying and that's not a bad thing as why keep all that hurt inside?

Is he really worth it though? Doesn't sound like it. Sounds like he waited for a low point and took advantage of it! Curious where he went, to his parents?

Yes... I am in shock and I am having major crying tonight. I don't have any friends or family so my isolation is even worse but I'm doing my best. He went to work and I suspect will stay with friends tonight... and then pop in and out during the weekend... probably never spending any real time here with me. This is so shocking because we had just been planning possibly moving to San Francisco and buying dogs etc... then this hits me last night. I do a lot of praying and I've learned to cry to myself. I do get lonely and Yes.. I'm so scared right now being alone. But we take it step by step I guess.

I want to say he isn't worth this because of the way he did this.. but he is a very sweet person... so I don't know why this happened or where it came from...

Is there anything I can do besides work on myself? The sadness and loss is so major right now.

Sounds as if your whole life was wrapped up in him. How did that happen, that you have no friends, and he does?? Not to be nosy, but I have many questions, if your up for it?

Sure.. >I don't mind questions. I've always been someone who didn't have a lot of friends. Its sad but at a certain age I just found it very hard to find new friendships so my love and my home became my life. I often thought about making new friends but didn't. So yes... I was always in a very vulnerable place being like that. I see that now. My life is wrapped up in him right now... mostly because I've been unemployed so my day is spent looking for work and working my time around him arrival home and preparation of dinner etc.. Now.. tonight he isn't coming home. Not a call.. not a message.. not even a hello to check in. It hurts so much. This couldnt' come at a worse time... it hits me when I'm so down.

Has this happen before as you mentioned you had broken up, and got back together? Were the circumstances the same? Also how old are you both?

Yes... he and I broke up once before but we didn't move apart for a while... we stayed very close and moved apart to help. Took the 3 years to just date each other again and finally decided to move in together about 7 months ago. I'm 41 and he's 38. Just a few days ago we were making plans for what we were going to do and when... he sent me a nice message. Tonight I sent a small text message saying "Just saying Hi" and got nothing in reply. Destroyed me. Why can't people who are thinking of breaking up give the person time to work on things... do things... instead of ending 13 years in one evening?

JDLYC I can fell your pain, I have been going through the same thing for a couple of months now.The best thing you can do for yourself is to keep yourself extremely busy. Workout if you don't, go for long walks, try to meet new people. Try to spend time in public places. I use to spend a couple of hours a day in Barnes and Nobles, just to get away from my house which would remind me of my ex, and follow through with NC. Don't text him call him email him nothing.This would probably be the hardest thing you have ever done in your life but I can tell you it does get better with time.

Hey JDLYC,

I am so sorry to hear this- like Dare 81- I have been going through something very similar since Sept.

What I will say is things will get worse- before they get better. Please read our posts- and you will see the hell and then the ray of light-- I know it sounds unreal-- but yes the ray of light does come--

What you should do- is take a big breath-- go NC- I mean total NC- DO NOT pick that phone, reply to emails etc- as this will only confuse you and bring more heartache-- I can say this-- as will I went through this-- back and forth and went insane-- eventually did NC...

You must be in terrible shock now- so best to take a few things in your stride- like sleep when you can sleep, eat well- as you will need all your energy. I found walking helped-- I now walk a lot more and put my iPod on with loud music-- if this works for you do it-- do it a few times a day and break your day.

Please use this site and write/talk whatever is in your heart and mind-- I found this site so helpful-- I don't think I would have survived this, without all the people that reached out to me.
Take care and take each hour as it comes-- there is no rush.

Reading the experience of others and how they healed, and over came their loss will help a lot. A break up at the same time as losing your job, is a steep hill to climb, but can be done.

As you look for work, balance your life with some exercise, and some YOU time. Do something good for yourself, as you heal, and rebuild your life. Maybe a class, to learn a new skill, will get you around people, and help you network, to find that hard to come by job.

Don't isolate yourself, as you go through this No Contact period, reach out to old family, and friends, whom you haven't seen for a while, but the key is to mourn your loss, and move on.

You have spent enough time depending on him, now its time to depend on yourself. Building a life that you enjoy, is the hardest thing you will do, but it's the most rewarding thing you will ever do, also.

Good luck with that job, and consider yourself lucky your through with that selfish partner, no matter how sweet he was, as you deserve much better treatment than he gave you.

You have to grieve the end of a relationship just as we grieve a loss in death.What once was, will never be again and the pain is overwhelming at times.

You can't make someone love you again.When love is over,there is no going back.

From your history ,it sounds as if you did have some clue things were not going well but when we are in love we are also often in denial.

As Talaniman said,concentrate on yourself and building a life without your partner.

When you become free of a relationship,you learn to think of yourself first and it is only when you are truly happy by yourself that you will ever be ready to think about being with someone else again.In this way the relationship is a compliment to you and not a dependency that you must have to feel complete.

Take baby steps to heal yourself.Do things for yourself that maybe you have neglected for the past 13 yrs. Spend some money on yourself,buy some new clothes or take that class that has always interested you. It is also a great way to make like minded friends.

Being alone is not horrible.See it as a time of personal growth.Start a journal and write out your daily progress as a single person.

It could turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to you,you will learn that ultimately it is you and you alone who create your happiness.

Best of luck!

Thank you everyone. It sure hasn't been an easy night for me. I find not having friends and family the hardest part. I felt such loneliness last night that I called a Prevention line... not because I was considering suicide but because I knew someone nice and understanding would be on the other end.

I was told he wouldn't be coming back to the apartment last night but he did. VERY drunk. I made the mistake of trying to hold him this morning (knowing it wasn't going to turn out good) and after a few attempts to put my arm over him in bed... he blocked my arms and said no. We had a long discussion about things... and I'm still very hurt and hurting. I just want to move past this pain. I know it's a process I have to go through... and I will do it.

I think the hardest part is that he keeps telling me it isn't our relationship that changed.. its him and no matter what I do or we do for the relationship... it won't change him. I see no road to getting back after hearing that.

I am so sorry for you. Sometimes it's very hard to move ahead and I think at this point you will have too. He told you it wasn't you,it was him. So you have done nothing wrong. Thirteen years is along time to spend with someone, and its even harder when you don't have a close support system to turn too. I think now you have to move ahead, and don't let your emotions get in your way. The more you stay stuck now the worse it's going to be. I wish you the best and we hear to listen.

I am forcing myself to go outside today. He is sitting in the bed recovering from a hang over and crying a little. I just want to be there to help... I've gone in a few times but each time after a little bit he tells me to leave. I just feel like every moment I sit with him I can keep the pain away. The second I walk out of the room and close the door... the pain comes sweeping back. Awful

He needs space to deal with his own demons, and some fresh air will do you good.

I think the first thing you need to do is sort your living arrangements out- I think he needs to move out.

Do not share that bed with him now-- if he has to stay for a while- stick him on the seatee! Or on the floor!

The sooner he packs and goes the better- so do this for yourself.

Second: I think you then need to make your place as nice as you can for you and so when your at home you can find peace around your things and not have anything of him reminding you as that will hurt you.

Once you get the two things out of the way, then you can slowly start to work out what you can do, how you can do it etc... you can worry about that when you come to that point-- right now the above needs sorting out.

It will def take time- but what will help you now is your strength, faith and determination- grab whatever you have inside you tight and do not let that go.

YOu said yourself that you can't see yourself going back- as probably so much damage has been done-- deep down you know he has to go now and so start working towards that.

13 years is a very long time to spend with someone- imagine this- you could have spent that time with a better person, who would have loved you with a lot more respect- I tell myself this as well- daily-- again and again.

Finally remember you are worth so much more- just because he can't see it or showed it to you does not mean your not worth it-- YOU ARE and I am sure may people on this site will tell you so.

Oh yes- your not alone- we are all here to listen and help as much as we can- and you will get many advice and support.

If he really feels like leaving, stop giving him a safe haven, and let him sleep in the gutter.

He made his choice, let him live with it.