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MiSSsy111222 · Apr 4, 2009, 03:51 AM

Originally Posted by james5212

I mailed back all teh cards and gifts, now I feel bad as if I'm saying ya i agree with you its over, should I like contact her and just say I hope you got the stuff that I mailed it hurt but I can't keep them around?

or should I still maintain my sielnce.

Maintain silence, its obvious you didn't want the stuff around,she will know this. Don't break NC

Heartbroken7 · Apr 20, 2009, 01:23 PM

Hello,
I've recently broken up with my boyfriend... he was lying to me about talking to other girls, and just lying about everything really. Come to find out after fighting for two days about something that I thought was bothering him, and him insisting there was nothing, he finally spilled it that the girlfriend he had before me is late and might be pregnant. WOW.. what a shock. I promptly told him we were done and that I'd go by in a couple days to pick up my stuff. When I went to his house, mainly to see his son one last time and say bye, the ex was just acting weird, even reached out once and touched me lovingly on the face! I completely ignored that. And when I was leaving, he gave me a long, heartfelt goodbye hug, looked me dead in the eyes, said he was sorry, and kissed me on the cheek. It took everything in my power to drive away after that. I was shaking.
Since the break up, I get so antsy not talking to him that I end up texting him by some power that I can't control. So I text him but that always turns into a fight because I am still mad at what he did to me. After a spat yesterday morn, we have not spoken at all. I have been trying my damndest to be silent.. but it is so hard! How do you stop talking to someone you have talked to everyday for months non-stop? I feel so lonely!
Another problem I am having is I snoop... not proud of it, but I know his passwords to hotmail, myspace, and Facebook, and cannot stop the compulsion to snoop. I am just severely hurt by the whole ordeal. What do I do?

Ash123 · Apr 20, 2009, 09:16 PM

Here's what you do:

1. STOP ALL CONTACT
2. NO Hotmail, myspace, and Facebook sneaking.
You are violating him the way he did you. Do you want to be the same?
3. The pain you are feeling is a result of wanting his love and attention but knowing its wrong since he is no good for you and cheated on you.
4. The pain can sometimes get worse the first 60-90 days... then it will get a little better each month. Each month after that it will get just a little better -- but still feel scary. But you will be a step CLOSER TO HEALED EACH MONTH.
5. NO CHEATING (no contact) or the clock will RESTART. You need to begin your healing NOW... get to your magic number of 90 and DO NOT GIVE IN.
6.The tougher it gets... The more it hurts it is just a reminder you need to focus. PAIN=REMINDER.
7. NO Hotmail, myspace, and Facebook sneaking. (I had to repeat that)
8. NO Hotmail, myspace, and Facebook sneaking. (I had to repeat that AGAIN)
9. START NOW and get your day counter going.
10. Check in here when you feel weak and people will get you through this!

*11. It could be worse... you could be pregnant and trapped!!

Heartbroken7 · Apr 21, 2009, 05:02 AM

Originally Posted by Ash123

[B]

2. You are violating him the way he did you. Do you want to be the same?

*11. It could be worse....you could be pregnant and trapped!!!

That is true.. Thank you so much for your advise. And no I don't want to be the same. I want to heal just like everyone says I should. I don't think I have ever healed from previous relationships (and one marriage and divorce!). Im taking up the piano and possibly will go to a counselor. I just need to learn how to stay busy to not think about him ALL THE TIME. It's a constant pain every time I think about him. I hope this gets better soon!

Ash123 · Apr 21, 2009, 09:15 AM

One other option: Say what you have to say to him.
Whether it's anger or hurt and then tell him it is 100% over and TIME WILL HEAL. GUARANTEED!!

START THE HEALING. Get a calendar and you'll see that every 90 days you are a little better... until... you are OK and solid.

If you do not cheat and look in on him and work on yourself and not worry about a relationship defining you but rather being something to share together.

YOU WILL MAKE IT... talking to a counselor is a great idea while you heal.

carlson92 · Jun 30, 2009, 05:49 AM

I'll give this step a go in my quite impossible situation. :)
My situation is at this link:
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...me-370092.html

carlson92 · Jun 30, 2009, 06:08 AM

Your advice and guides is much appreciated mate. :)

Ash123 · Jul 3, 2009, 06:13 AM

Glad to help!

One day at a time...

Ash

Rayy123 · Jul 19, 2009, 07:48 AM

The silent thing actually works.

Ash123 · Jul 21, 2009, 03:01 PM

I spoke to one girl recently who is still stewing about her Ex. She was the breaker and he was the breakee, but he NEVER broke NC and she always wondered but was too fearful after many months to call and say hi.

Is the breakee losing something by being stubborn? Does the fact that a hot (really hot) girl is still wondering about him make any difference?
Well, there's no need to keep score or be spiteful, and maybe it does make a difference since she's too scared to act. But if history is any indication, if she is not strong enough to communicate, the relationship is not strong enough to change whatever made her run in the first place.

I believe in second and sometimes third chances, but there has to be big changes for the time off to matter, so I let it be. I think they are both stuck until another person gives them some new perspective.

Love is a crazy thing.
Lust is a schyzophrenic thing.
Time is the one thing you can't control and don't want to waste.

Happy hunting.

Ash

Sparky1969 · Jul 22, 2009, 11:49 AM

Thanks for this Ash.

I really needed it - My long term girlfriend who works at the same place as me left me for another guy at the same work place. I have to deal with it /them on a daily basis.

She set up the relationship with him while with me and left me when she was ready. It all came out afterwards -devistated or what. She did not care about my feelings at all and could not understand why I did not what to emain friends.

This was seven months ago and it still hurts. I've maintained NC but sometimes I get close to saying something ( have been a bit blunt with him at times) but have said nothing.

This guid has helped me maintain my stance. She e-mailed me happy birthday in May and I crack and reply with " think about my feelings before sending me a message". It's true I instantly felt I lost a bit of control after.

As hard as it is I will stick by this guide -thanks.

For some reason though I keep blaming myself I do wish I could control that.

carlson92 · Jul 22, 2009, 06:45 PM

Ash... What comes after NC? Really curious.

Ash123 · Jul 23, 2009, 08:14 AM

Silence with her. Yes. Maintain. But if any boundaries violated in work-place do speak up.

SPARKY: (to him) i.e. "dude, i value my job and being professional. But imagine if I'd done that you...how would you feel? Think about it.
keep that in mind. And it will make all our lives easier...

FEEL FREE TO ADD: "In a way you did me a favor. If I was dating a girl like that and didn't know it sooner, I would have been wasting a lot of valuable time."

CARLSON: See #6.

carlson92 · Jul 23, 2009, 08:40 AM

All right Ash. :)

NC since 29th June

Ash123 · Jul 23, 2009, 03:19 PM

JUNE 29th?

That's like freakin yesterday!

If you break NC that is just... silly.

Go rent some funny movies and hang out with friends.

Her life is not suddenly amazing... she is just doing what people do... try out their freedom. It feels good. Unfortunately for you, it feels crappy. But it's the universe's plan to let you find what you deserve.

carlson92 · Jul 23, 2009, 07:23 PM

Errr ash now is July man. Haha! :D its been about a month I go NC. :)

Ash123 · Jul 23, 2009, 09:12 PM

You have a long way to go my man... get busy.
A month?! That is NOTHING.

I didn't speak to a girl for a year... another 5 years.
All came back :-) and I was always dating someone else. It sucks... but a man always says what's on his mind and in his heart and moves on.
Women respect that... be alpha not alphalpha (little rascals).

NC is not a game. It's life.

carlson92 · Jul 23, 2009, 10:30 PM

Even if is a short relationship like close to 5 months? Lol.
I dun think I need to say my story here.
I can't lie to myself but deep down I like my ex a lot. Although I'm with another girl now. :)

carlson92 · Jul 23, 2009, 10:39 PM

Even if is a short relationship like close to 5 months? Lol.
I dun think I need to say my story here.
I can't lie to myself but deep down I like my ex a lot. Although I'm with another girl now. :)

Sparky1969 · Jul 24, 2009, 02:36 AM

Thanks for your help Ash.

NC is working for me - I think because of the work and I hear about things. It's just going top take that bit longer to heal. This site does help.

Although I didn't do anything major wrong is the self blame natural? I keep feeling why did I do this or that or reasure her and this would not of happened.
In the last month of our relationship after she had started contacting with the new guy - her behaviour was terrible towards me. She has 2 children from a previous relationship who I was very close with - I didn't like it for them to see her like that so I tip toed around it thinking it was a phase or something. Thing is she would text and e-mail during this time saying how much she loved me. It got very confusing.