[Chery]

Tal is right about being too physical too soon. Most young men think that if the sex (or petting) is great, the girl will want to come back for more..
But not all girls are like that. Some of us like to wait and get to know the real you before concentrating on just the romantic part. And some think that if there is just romance and not much of anything else, the guy has a one-track mind and that can be a turn-off too.

I know it sounds hard.. that's because it is! You just have to find a comfortable 'middle' and balance, like Tal said.

[jrsg]

We definitely aren't too physical too soon. It is a mistake that she has made before. Earlier in the year, she gave an 'oral favour' to a boyfriend in the second week of being together. She couldn't even look at him after that. We both know NOT to make that mistake! That was one of the first things she told me when we began dating. She wasn't going to make that mistake again. And I do't need that kind of thing anyway, remember? 16!!! Seeing as the furthest I have gone has been making out (and happy with that, for now) we had a good agreement there.

I recently went on vacation for a week. She was extremely excited to see me when I got back. Maybe what we need is to slow down a bit, NOT see each other every day, although that can get difficult seeing as we both go to the same school. But she will be away for 4 weeks! I don't know what will happen in that frame of time. We'll see though! Hopefully all goes well.

I'll keep you guys updated,
Thanks for all the advice

[Chery]

Four weeks is nothing compared to what will happen during the rest of your life. Just relax and don't think so negative all the time.

Also you and your buddies will often swing between 'men only' loyalty and noticing girls because that's part of growing up and experience at your age, so take things easy and don't adapt their attitude of 'bros before... ' - that sounds childish and disrespectful.

You can always talk to your dad too, he's been there, done that, and will probably feel proud that you include him in this important part of your life. Throw a few 'what if's' at him and he'll tell you about all those butterflies he had at your age.

Enjoy the summer!

[lilthechic]

Hello,
So, I'm 3 weeks into a relationship, continued after a 2 week break. (Before that we had a short 2 week relationsip.
I know 3 weeks is short, but I still want to save the relationship, if saving is necassary.

My girlfriend seemed to be annoyed with me, even though she had no good reason (I've heard that is a big sign of a coming break up). In school, she seems to almost pull away from me. But, at my house, she is all over me. Not that she wants sex , but she likes to play around, kiss and things like that (remember I'm 16). But it is a little confusing.

She was over at my place for 3 days in a row, we were with each other for almost all those 72 hours, (she went home to sleep). Now, the last 2 days, she hasn't. I will see what happens tomorrow. I don't think she is trying to avoid me. I'll see what happens tomorrow.

She also says I can be negative and that I complain a lot... Which I have noticed lately, that I do. I have tried looking on the positive side, and it works. I try to stay positive, and I am happier. My girlfriend also repsonds well to it, and I honestly belive that she enjoys being around me more.

I would like to ask her basically "Do you still like me" almost. But I don't want to put it that way. I think I am at least going to say that I know I have been negative and I have been complaining a lot, but I am trying to change that.

So, does this relationship need saving?
If it does, which should I do, other than stay positive around her?
AND, this is the big one. Do I let her know how I feel and what I think?

Thank you

Well first, I am a girl and the thing that's most important is that we be understood. Start by understanding why she is acting the way she is. I have acted that way with some guy I dated back in college but that was because I dated him out of pity and I ended up breaking up with him and hurting him more than I imagined. So do not make assumptions. Talk to her. The relationship does need saving but don't push it. It is in a weak state and you have to keep a cool head. Think like an adult. I think she likes you but may be confused or maybe her friends are the one messing with her mind (thats explains why she pulls away from you at school) puhleeese reduce the making out. Making out with her does not tell how much you like her! Show her some respect and take her out, maybe to see a movie or just for pure fun. However if after all these her response is still muddled, then you have got to talk to her and break up with her. Tell her exactly how you feel. Don't mince words. Yes, break up with her. Tell her you've had enough and let her know you are hurting. Don't wait for her to break up with you. No good man deserves to be treated that way esp. one who sought to understand and be there like you've tried. She does not deserve you so move on.
TRY MENDING THE RELATIONSHIP FIRST IF IT Doesn't WOK THEN WALK AWAY!

[Chery]

Dear lilthechic..
I think you have not read all of the posts here to be updated on his progress and follow-up advice from others. It's usually a good idea to see the 'whole picture' before posting an answer. Under normal circumstances this might be good advice for some, but he's just a scared 16 year old who is new at dating and worries that her vacation will make her forget him. This does not need to happen, and even if it does, life goes on.

Nevertheless, welcome to the site and enjoy being here - we are one of the BEST!

[talaniman]

One thing for sure, as you grow you learn that life takes many twists, and turns, not all of them good. Your coping skills are being tested, and you must learn to deal with different situations, because you sure can't change them, but you can change yourself. We humans are complex, and females may perplex you, but the key is to know yourself, and love yourself, and not put any partner before yourself. Let none run you over, because you feel intensely for them.

[Romefalls19]

Four weeks and you're this worried? Take time and stop and smell the roses. Life is a beautiful thing, I made the mistake of wrapping myself up in a girl when I was your age too. I spent my best high school years trying to cater to her, make her feel wanted and I missed out on a lot. I'm not saying it isn't worth it, but give it time to grow, relationships are like plants, they need "water" and love to grow. It takes time, it's not an over night process. I am glad you realize you don't need sex at 16 and making out is okay by your standards. You are a very mature young man and proof good guys are still in this world at that age. You also realize spending every day together isn't healthy, hats off to you man! There are adults that don't even realize that! Don't worry about if it will work or not, worry about making it worth the time you spent on it!

[jrsg]

Thanks for all the advice everyone!

Some responses:

Chery: That "bros before ..." statement is just how I look at not letting a girl make me forget my friends. Not that they try to, I just don't want to lose my friends over a girl. A girl will someday be more important than my friends, but probably not at 16. And not one I've dated for only a month. I know the quote sounds childish and disrespectful, especially with the word "hoes" in it, but I don't mean it that way. The word just rhymes. I don't look at girls as 'hoes' or anything. I just don't want to forget who my friends are.

Lilthechic: I think Chery is right! I don't expect you AT ALL to read my several essay-like posts, lol. It would take a while; lots of stories. Thanks for the good intentions anyway!

Romefalls19: First of all, thank you for calling me mature, and "proof that there are still good guys in this world at this age." lol. I just learned that spending everyday together isn't healthy. I messed up my last relationship with that, I hope it didn't ruin this relationship. But, I have learned that lesson now. It is also a little tough, as we go to the same summer school! And, I know if this relationship doesn't work out, its not the end of the world. Thanks for the kind words and advice!


With all that done, an update with happened today.

I haven't seen her outside of school for 3 days. That is a lot, compared to our everyday thing we had going. After she saw me everyday for a while, I could feel our relationship getting weak. Now that we once again have our own lives outside of each other, we have more to talk about! Its great! I don't know how it will all turn out right now. I feel like we're just friends right now. It's like we aren't boyfriend/girlfriend right now, although the title is still there. That aside, the relationship has definitely improved over the last 48 hours. We'll see how everything turns out, and I will keep you all updated if you want to know how everything goes.
Next time I see her outside of school, I will talk to her about why she has been acting a little distant lately, and ask basically if there is anything I'm doing that she doesn't like. I will let her know that I am willing to work for the relationship, and ask her if she is willing to try as well. It sounds like a fairly personal conversation that I don't really want to have in school. Tomorrow is Friday, so we will probably go out somewhere outside school, I'll bring it up then.

The way I look at it, the conversation will go one of two ways:

1) She will say that we should try to continue the relationship (not seeing eachother everyday).

OR

2) She'll want to break up.


It all depends on how much effort she is willing to put into the relationship. And to be honest, if she doesn't want to work for it, neither do I. I 'like' her and all, but I don't want to be the only one working for the relationship. I really hope this works out for the best. I'll let you know how everything goes!

Thanks for the advice everyone! If there's anything else you think I should know, or anything else you want to say, Please speak up!

Thanks again everyone!
And thank you for reading this novel of a response, lol.


Oh, and another thing... About that I am afraid that she is going to forget about me while I'm on vacation. Chery, you are bery right with that. That is a big fear of mine. However, she has been acting distant lately, compared to how she was before. She just all the sudden decided she didn't want to be around me all the time (thats obviously okay), I just want to know why, and if she is going to grow more and more distant. I want to know how she feels, and I think the best way for me to figure that out is by asking exactly that.

[jrsg]

Well, today has not been a good day...

I texted her today asking her if she wanted to do anything tomorrow night, and I haven't received a response.

She usually answers texts and calls as soon as she can. She wasn't busy tonight with anything (from what I know) and she usually goes to sleep late (it is midnight where I am right now). Maybe I am freaking out right now, but I feel like she is trying to avoid me at the moment. After school, on the weekends. I don't think she wants to be around me anymore... And that is really hard for me to think of.

I NEED your advice here.
Should I:
1. Confront her, ask her if she has been trying to avoid me (I am 99% sure the answer will be 'yes')
2. Pretend nothing has changed in the relationship, like it is all good, nothing wrong
3. Not say anything about how I feel. Try to be a better boyfriend (confused about how to be a better boyfriend)
4. Combo of 1 and 4. Confront her. Ask why. Ask what I can do to make the relationship better, and do it.

That is what I see as my options right now. Which do you think I should go with? Or, do you have any other ideas? Thanks

P.s - I think if I go with option 2 or 3, and not say anything AT ALL, the relationship will end soon. I can already feel it slipping away, and I need to do something about it.

Thanks for the advice
I'll be calling her tomorrow (once, I am Not going to call 20 times and beg for a response) to see if I can get a hold of her, and see if she is available. If she is, then I will talk to her then. If not, I may have to confront her at school on Monday.

Thanks again everyone

[talaniman]

Just me, I NEVER freak out BEFORE I have the facts.

[thisnthatshoppe]

You're both young. You are going to annoy each other. You are still finding yourselves and have several years before you will truly be there. For now, try being positive and all, be friends, etc. But don't take the relationship so seriously at such a young age. If it does not work out, so be it. You should play the field at bit and not think about it in terms of a serious relationship at this time. Give it time. If you are meant to be together, you will be.
Blessed Be!

[talaniman]

1. Confront her, ask her if she has been trying to avoid me (I am 99% sure the answer will be 'yes')NAW!
2. Pretend nothing has changed in the relationship, like it is all good, nothing wrong NAW!
3. Not say anything about how I feel. Try to be a better boyfriend (confused about how to be a better boyfriend) NAW!
4. Combo of 1 and 4. Confront her. Ask why. Ask what I can do to make the relationship better, and do it. NAW!

Before anything can be done, you have to have the facts, and not just a fantasy of the mind.
This relationship is still so young, that communications to resolve things, will go farther than confrontation.

Just because the heat has cooled, is not a reason to think something has changed, so don't let insecure thought become action, take the time to talk and see a clearer picture.

One missed call and your ready to go off half cocked???? Somebody doesn't have enough to do.

[Chery]

The adult in you shows logic and reason when you write to us.
The teen in you is acting too needy and desperate - relax and don't freak out if things don't happen exactly as you plan when you want it your way.
The child in you needs to know when to sit in the car-seat and let the adult to the driving without distracting you every five minutes.

In other words, talk to your emotions and get them in balance. Stop thinking of the worst scenarios before you even take a step..

She is also going through growing pains and is probably just as scared as you are, but that's life, and you should talk about fun things and not act as an old married couple bringing up confrontational issues - that gets frustrating.

Learn not to put your life on hold, waiting to be beckoned by someone else to start living again. Don't place anyone in the center of your universe - continue with your other activities and interests and when she does call, relax and enjoy the time without trying to second-guess her motives.

Good luck, and RELAX!

[jrsg]

SO,
If I am reading all of you right, you are telling me to just talk to her. I shouldn't think up scenarios in my mind, or fantasy problems, but I should just talk to her and get the truth. Then I act from there. Is that right?

And, as tal said, "communications to resolve things, will go farther than confrontation."
Now, this seems like a real childish, rookie relationship questions, but then again, I am a teen and new at dating.
So my question is
What is the difference between communication and confrontation?
I mean, how do I communicate without seeming confrontational?

Thanks again everyone,
And as stupid as that question may sound, I am serious. I need an answer to that.

[talaniman]

What is the difference between communication and confrontation?

Communication involves talking and listening, so you can learn, and understand it, with questions and answers.

Confrontation, is accusing, and is the last effort to a fight, where there is no talking, no listening, but trying to defend a position that does no one any good. Confrontation is about superiority, and submission, and both are losers.

[jrsg]

Okay then, so I guess I am not going to confront her about anything.
I am just going to ask her about the relationship, and listen to her response and go from there.
I am going to hopefully learn how to communicate better through this.
I am definitely going to see her tomorrow, at school. I will talk to her then, if I don't see her after school.

One of my problems is that I want to talk to her, but I don't want her to feel forced to talk about it. I don't want to 'confront her and accuse of something, nor do I want to make her feel guilty about anything. I just want to know where we stand.

One thing I have learned: I need to improve my communication skills greatly...

[talaniman]

One thing I have learned: I need to improve my communication skills greatly...

We all have room for improvement, so keep praticing as the goal is to know how each other feels.
Its just not words but actions we have to pay attention to. Pay attention to what they do, and how they do it, as we can lose a lot with just words.

[jrsg]

the goal is to know how each other feels.

After analyzing myself and my communication skills, I think I tend to assume too much. Between my worst-case scenarios and my "what ifs" I never know what is actually happening.

I think I just need to be more upfront, and instead of assume, I can ask, and get a straight answer.

I have never felt so clueless towards dating and relationships than I do today... lol. But everyone here helps a lot!

Thanks for the advice tal, chery, and everyone else

[talaniman]

You are not alone, as females are the most confusing things on Earth, to us guys. Communicating takes time and patience, and dedication.

And all females reserve the right to change their minds. Talk about a stacked deck!!

[jrsg]

Talk about a stacked deck!!!!!!!!

Damn double standards...
LOL!