[chuff]

I recommend you print what your wrote here when you talk to the councelor. If you tighten up or forget to mention something show him or her what you are feeling when your somewhat calm.

[artlady]

Anyway, just wanted you all to know I did take the step to call ADV. Thank you for the encouragement and pressure to do so. I don't think I would have done it, if not for all your comments I read on Saturday morning...

You have some work ahead of you but I know you are heading in the right direction.Stay on course and thank-you for listening and keeping us posted.You are stronger than you give yourself credit for!

[BcindyB]

Don't you deserve better., and not have to worry about the next time he is chocking you, or shouting at you in front of your friends, and what about if you have kids, would you like your son growing up acting like his father? What kind of life is that?

Question: Why go to counselors if you are not going to take there advice.

I've always said that you can tell a person what you think but it is what this person does with the information you give to them.

My sister daughter is going through the same thing, I'm am praying that we don't get a call saying that she is in the hospital or worse dead. What would you tell your daughter if she were going through this, you would tell her to leave. Some times you have to love some one from a distant.

My grand mother use to tell me that you have to love yourself because if you don't love you, how in the hell are you going to Love some one else. Believe that you can do it on your own, you can't do any worse.

Listen to someone that went through this. When I left I slept on a floor for 8 months, but you know what it was the best sleep I ever had. It was the best thing I ever did. Now me and my daughter are doing fine.

You deserve better. I hope this helps. :o

[liz28]

It is good to hear that you is taking a step in the right direction. Keep us posted.

[plumberchris911]

If he has done it ounce he may well do it again - some peoplejust need to be left alone and too sort out their own anger - I can be the same but would never hurt my gal-
There is a line that gets crossed -

[mum45]

Loves Animals, Thank God you called. I am so PROUD of you for calling. Call and check in with them every day, please, it WILL not be a burden for them, they will be glad you did, glad to know you are still alive. Get to that meeting. They will help you, support you, go to court with you, stand right there with you. You have a place to go to for a new start? 2500 miles AWAY from this man? GOOD FOR YOU, GO GO GO GO GO after court!! Tell the judge you have a place in mind, you are in fear for your life, that the DV people can know where you are and the judge can know but you do not want this man to know and that you want to LEAVE this place forEVER!! Oh please tell this to the DV people ahead of time that you have a safe haven with family!! They can help you!! Like I said before, EVERY mile I put between me and my abuser the load was just so much lighter... Freedom was so sweet!! Let the house go, let it all just go.. New starts can be oh so sweet!! Your life can be reconstructed, as long as you have a life to start with!!

[Survivor07]

Hello LovesAnimals! Glad to hear from you and very glad to see you made an appointment for the 14th. Please stick to it and go.

I thought maybe you'd want to return home to your family, but as long as you like where you are and are happy there, then you can make it work there without him.

It's good that you're feeling anger at the thought of 'leaving town because of him'. You're starting to see that he cannot and should not dictate what kind of life you're going to lead--only You can and should do that.

I hope you read this before your court date for your own charges, because PLEASE do not trust HIS attorney for advice for YOU. You can plead not guilty and see what happens. It's really not as big a deal as you think. You just tell the truth.

I don't understand your statement about not wanting to hurt HIS case. You mean the case where YOU are the victim? This is what you need to talk to the counselor about. You just tell the truth.

You're an emotional roller coaster and understandably so. The reality of the situation is sinking in now. I understand life seems like a blur. It will be all right. You need support, people to talk to you and listen and ease your fears. You will be fine. I know it's scary. I understand you still love him. The counselor can help you with this, too.

If you get to the point where you are away from him, which I am so hoping you do, then you gain some clarity and peace. You will know you did the right thing and life will be so much more... you'll get there.

[LovesAnimals]

Hi everyone... just checking in

My court date is supposed to be coming up but I'm still not on the calendar so I think it's a pretty safe bet it's going to get tossed out. I called the court and they said to just show up and the would stamp the ticket that I was there. One of two things will happen. 1)since they have up to a year to file they could set up a different court date and notify me via the mail or 2) they will just drop the whole case and not file... which I'm hoping for!

I have kept my appointment with ADV and it's only a couple of days away. I almost cancelled but I didn't. I had a very very stressful weekend and start to my week. I'm so tired of being flaky for my second job but when I'm worn out and tired I can't make it in because my day job is the important one (although I do need both).

He is still staying with me for the time being but that could be changing really soon. He has a court date coming up and there he and his lawyer will really get a feel for what he's facing. Well, he's been talking about leaving because he can see what everything is doing to me and how I'm always down and irritated around him... He's been keeping me up off and on all night and even on nights where I have to work the next morning. He thinks people are following him and out to get him and recording what he says or video taping what he does... He's very parinoid right now and I understand his stress because he might be facing prison time but it's almost insane!

I really wish I'd never said anything to the sheriff or the dr or anything and just handled it on my own. Things probably wouldn't be as big a mess as they are right now... My treating him exactly how I feel and letting him know exactly how I feel seems to be penetrating and he's understanding I think. The only thing that bothers is that he's still down playing the physical asult and justifies it while saying my telling the dr is throwing him under the bus and we should have handled it ourselves. His head is all over the place because one mintue he gets it and apologizes and the next he's way out in left field telling me to grow up and deal with things...

Point is that things have turned a little worse at home but I am keeping my appointment on the 14th. And I wanted to share the good news (hopefully) about my court date ;)

Thanks again for your continued support. When I feel confused and weak... I read everything that's been written here...

[liz28]

I thought your update would be a little different.

I am a little confuse to the fact that you hope his case be thrown up. Why? He did what he did and he should do the time. Now he is going crazy sure because jail scares him.

I don't understand why your still living with him and who cares about him being stressed out. Your more important.

He is interferring with your sleep and job, I wouldn't allow this and don't know how you can put up with this.

It's not the doctor fault because he was looking out for you like you should be.

Through it all I think your looking out for him more than yourself and I wish you didn't. Care about you and not him. Worry about you and not him.

I really wish things was different for you and I really don't know what else to say.

[LovesAnimals]

How can I be so clear one mintue and so stupid the next? I re-read what I wrote and you are totally right Liz28! OMG... How can I possible think of him more than myself at this point? He's obviously not thinking of me... or else he wouldn't keep me up at night when he knows I need to work.

I have been told that I'm co-dependent but this is ridiculous! I need to figure it the F out and that's why I kept my ADV appointment. I'd also like to attend the group session because the last counselor said that would probably benefit me a lot. I'm also a little scared of his reactions to what I say and do and feel guilty because he's still helping around the house and doing things so...

So what though... Is it worth it?? Mind you I can be very difficult at times but I guess it should be a burning RED FLAG that he still says things like "I was trying to rattle your cage and get you to respond".

I know the lady at ADV will not give me the miracle cure for all this but hopefully point me in the right direction at least.

I guess I still feel guilty for him having to go through all this stuff in court when it could have been handled differently. Yes what he did was incrediably wrong but do I want to see him in prison? No... especially if he's losing his mind! I don't know what I wanted to come of all this? All I know is that I wasn't happy with my life and my marriage and how he treated me. I tried to express this and tell him and it would get better for a little bit and then back to the same old same old.

So one day I had decided enough was enough and asked him to leave and give me space. Instead of triggering real change he tried to control my behavior with fear and guilt and then abuse... which back fired on him. He once said he never thought I would tell the dr. or put him in that position. When I think about that, makes me think that's probably why he did it and thought he could get away with it...

I never wanted him to go to prison but just get better and make things work. Now my head is so messed up over all this and so many conflicting things going on. I know what's right but I hear that plus my heart, my gut, my doubts, and him and everything gets muddy. I keep thinking what if...

[liz28]

Your head would be much clearer if you wasn't living under the same roof as him. Your mind is going stay clouded as long as he is around. So move! Go to a DV shelter like you should've in the beginning.

He is making you feel guilty for actions like everyone stated from the beginning.

The only thing I can tell you is live for your own sanity and stop living on the what if... I hope he goes where he belongs which is jail. Now the doctor is getting the heat for what he did to you but again he was looking out for you.

Leave, leave, leave, leave!

[Survivor07]

Hi Loves Animals, glad to hear from you and that you're all right.

You stated that he once said he never thought you would tell the doctor or put him in this position. Well... you never thought he'd try to kill you to the point you had to go to the doctor, right? HE put himself in the position he's in, not you. Don't let him make you think you are to blame for any of this. There is nothing under the sun that you could do that would justify being strangled almost to death!

I'm not surprised he's downplaying the abuse and wanted to "handle it yourselves". You can't and shouldn't handle this yourselves. That's crazy. How would you have handled it? You still can't physically separate from him. No. This is what needed to happen.
What he meant was just let him get away with it and keep your mouth shut. You are much smarter and stronger than that!!

Criminal charges needed filed against him because what he did is criminal. Choking someone to the point of almost killing them is criminal. To think he only did it to get a reaction... Come on! That's just sick. He is sick. Once in the system, he may get treatment for his mental problems. He is mental. No one in their right mind treats someone the way he treated and is still treating you.

Don't let him get to you. Is he behaving nicely now? That's because he's scared of jail. You mentioned he's doing things around the house. Well, you know, all husbands should do things around the house they live in! Don't give him credit where none is due!

Forget the what ifs... except for one: What if he kills you? He'll want to handle that himself too. What will he do if he takes it too far next time? Dump your body somewhere?

You mentioned his paranoia. Is he on any drugs? Just curious. My ex was on drugs and toward the end was behaving like you described.

You keep your appointment. Two more days. Go! I think talking with other women who have been in or are presently in a similar situation will do you a ton of good. You'll see. Just do it.

[Synnen]

Would you PLEASE remember that someone who tries to kill you doesn't love you?

Who CARES if he goes to jail? He NEEDS to! He can get help there, and maybe it will finally penetrate into his brain that HIS actions put him there, not yours.

YOU need to understand that as well: THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
This is completely and totally, 100% HIS fault.

PLEASE stop living with him. Kick him out, go to a DV shelter, whatever---but stop letting him cloud your mind when you KNOW he is not good for you.

[mum45]

Have been thinking about you, please give us an update??

[deeplydisturbed]

Hmm, I don't mean to be a , but clearly you are psychotic. Can your marriage survive domestic violence? Hmm, let me think. Well yeah sure, if you're into pain, humiliation and abuse. I was reading and there are 14 pages on this topic all with people trying to convince you to leave him and hmm, let me see. I guess you haven't. Why am I not surprised? Well no worries, hey, I think you should just stay with him, and maybe one day he'll choke you to death, then you won't have this dilemma anymore because you'll be DEAD. But hey, at least you'll be problem free. So literally, not I don't think your marriage can survive domestic violence, because a marriage consists of 2 people, and when you die, it'll just be one left so guess not huh?

[Survivor07]

hmm, i dont mean to be a , but clearly u are psychotic. can ur marriage survive domestic violence? hmm, let me think. well yeah sure, if you're into pain, humiliation and abuse. i was reading and there are 14 pages on this topic all with people trying to convince u to leave him and hmm, let me see. i guess u haven't. why am i not surprised? well no worries, hey, i think u should just stay with him, and maybe one day he'll choke u to death, then u wont have this dilemma anymore coz you'll be DEAD. but hey, at least you'll be problem free. so literally, not i dont think ur marriage can survive domestic violence, coz a marriage consists of 2 people, and when u die, it'll just be one left so guess not huh?

Unless you've walked in her shoes, it's hard to understand why leaving isn't as easy as it sounds. She is not psychotic. He is.

We all have faith in her. You'd have to read the whole thread

I do agree with you. No marriage survives domestic violence.

[LovesAnimals]

Hey...

You know what... "deeplydisturbed" is right about me that I am psychotic to some degree. I have to be right? Honestly, I have all you caring people that have been in this or similar situations that are telling me what I need to do yet I continue to not listen. It makes me crazy not understanding why I am acting like I am.

I went to the ADV counselor last week and big big surprise... she told me exactly what everyone hear has been telling me. I know all this but I can't bring myself to end it all so I must be psychotic. I try and try to reason and talk with him but it doesn't work...

Please... something grant me the strength to survive this because I'm really starting to loose. I'm hear at work but can't concentrate. I so done with dealing with everything and his craziness but he won't leave or stop. I just moved so I can't aford to move again... but I was the stupid one that had him move with me because I felt guilty and thought maybe a new start... I have to be psychotic right??

Yesterday he slept all day... which was peaceful for me but then gets up and starts in how I'm a cold heartless because I don't back him. Says I'm a cop caller and on and on and on. I just lay there and don't say anything and then I snap... even though I know it's not in my best interest at all. He's saying he's going to end it all and kill himself and I tell him to get it over with sarcastically cause of course I don't mean it. Then I tell him that I want him to go and I want him to leave that night right now. I get up to use the bathroom and tell him... go... leave... now. He motions to throw the TV controller in my direction and I flinched. Then he lays down and says go call the cops on me... like you did before... and then the name calling starts again. While in the bathroom he ends up falling asleep and then I finally get some rest...

I see now the niceness is only there because he thinks he'll get in more trouble. My question is really a stupid question... "can my marriage survive domestic violence?". The answer is yes if the man realizes that he is doing that and seeks help on his own... but if not the answer is no...

I have so much on my plate right now I just try to take each day at a time... and that's what the ADV counselor said to do but first and for most be safe. I sit here at work with my office closed crying thinking what did I do to deserve this and what did he do to deserve this? If I'd only just talked to him and not shut him out "wanting my space" things wouldn't have escalated to this. He's lost him mind... being out of work, our marriage not good, not happy with his club... and I'm now losing mine.

Thanks for the support and also the slaps in the face. At least one thing worked in my favor. My ticket was dropped so one thing off my plate. One day at a time and one hour at a time if that's all I can handle.

I'm sorry I don't have better news for all of you because you've all been so supportive. I know you've frustrated but please don't hate me. Honestly I'm doing the best I can...

[Justwantfair]

Hopefully when you feel that bottom touch you, you will finally want to get off this roller coaster and stand on some solid and stable ground. You won't care that you are standing empowered in your individuality, you will be relieved that you are no longer enduring that roller coaster even though on the roller coaster you had him in the seat next to you.

Sometimes it is hard to change, even when we know what is best for ourselves. We are scared of the uncertainty of doing something we haven't done in a long time but the fact is one you start taking the steps you will realize you had nothing to fear in being alone. That it is so much better to not walk on eggshells every second of everyday. The relief of being upset and being able to show it without wonder what pain you will endure for your expression of self.

You can relax with alone time that isn't burdened with where is he? What is he doing? What type of mood is he in today? Imagine the peace of going to work and not having all of this garbage weighing on your sholders.

You didn't do anything to deserve this because you don't deserve this. Your husband is a miserable person, probably the most miserable with himself. His solution is to make you feel like garbage/to treat you like garbage and in that way it makes him feel better about himself. That is a coward, not a man and you deserve better for yourself.

Step off your roller coaster, find your solid ground.

[JudyKayTee]

The best you can do is life is do the best you can and take it one step at a time.

I've made some bad and other questionable choices in MY lifetime and I always console myself by saying, "I did the best I could under the circumstances, at the time."

Nobody hates you or is disappointed - and it's easy for me to tell you how to act when I'm not in your situation. I hope I speak for everyone when I say we all want you to just be safe - and happy.

[liz28]

You don't need money to stay at a dmv shelter. I think a support group would do you a lot of justice.

Staying in the environment your in is enough to cause you to be depressed and stressed out.

He is trying and will continue to put the blame of you instead of looking in the mirror but it funny how he started winny once he knew he might do jail time because the guys in there would have a good old time with him.

Again for your own sanity leave and go to the shelter. Your be surprise with yourself and wouldn't have to worry about him. You need to leave for you because you come first.