[valinors_sorrow]

For a time I went through friends like they were water and I felt very sad about all the loss. But one day, it began to slow down and I have come to realise two things looking back (man, hindsight really is 20/20) --

1. I needed all those people because I needed the gift each one had for me. A lot along the lines of when the student is ready the teacher will appear. I needed or wanted lots of "teachers" apparently. I was doing a lot of changing myself too which added into that.

2. I was lousy at determining who to take on as a friend and who not to. Only by gaining experience (through repeatel failures) did I hone my skills and begin selecting people who, for lack of a better way to put it, lasted longer. LOL That's what I mean by "discernment" -- that kind of knowing what will work and not work for me.

These same principles might be said about the initial relationships we take on too, I think.

I am happy to report this is exactly what started happening Kaitou -- "I hope i'll realize my future mistakes sooner, so it's not too late to fix it."

Now its possible to have things that impair your ability to learn and I can make you a list if you like -- active addiction, willful denial, learning to live unhappy, growing up incomplete but not recognizing it, minimizing problems, fear that makes you hide things-- to whip off a few. And when a person gets stuck in one or more of those it mostly takes professional help to get out. And if I hear any stuff that remotely resembles any of this from anyone, I tend to suggest seeking professional help. It works and it beats the crap out of staying stuck. But I am aware of what a stigma I am up against about how people view that too.

[Teaching]

Life is strange that way - we have a relationship right in front of us and we aren't able to work through it till it ends... I think people are mean't to come into our life for a reason, season or lifetime!

[Allheart]

Kaitou,

Hi. You are such a dear dear girl. First, how about not thinking of things as a "mistake". Rather, think of them as choices. You made certain choices in your life, some good with great results and some not so good with unexpected results. Life is full of choices to be made. As we grow and get older, we then make informed choices. So all that you are going through now, is going to help you in the future when it's time to make another choice. But you will be much more informed this time, won't you?

Okay now, you seem to be way too hard on yourself and putting everything on your shoulders as though everything that went wrong, or didn't work out, lies solely with you. The great thing about relationships is there is always someone else there, who by the way, is not perfect and did contribute to the relationship, both good and bad. This is a shared learning process. Sadly, I know, when it ends, we have to learn as individuals. That is tough and yes it sucks, all over the place, but would you prefer to be one who never made a choice, who for the fear of being hurt, never showed another individual that you loved them? Believe me, there are people out there like that, but I know you are not one of them. Take some comfort in knowing that you heart will heal, you just need to give it some time.

Kaitou, you have to remember, you are looking back on your relationship, through eyes filled with pain and with a heavy heart. Through a view such as that, it only seems to magnify those things we wish we could change, the things we think are our fault or even know to be our fault. You have got to give yourself some time to heal before you can even begin to determine where things went wrong.

To try and sort all of this out now, when you are so torn, and in so much pain and confusion, will only end up confusing you more and may delay your healing.

Take a break from thinking. Take a break from dwelling. Do something totally unrelated to your relationship. Mostly, give yourself some time to heal.

Remember, life is one big classroom and we are all students striving to get that A. With support, self-love, acceptance, a desire to do and be better, that A isn't as far off as you think.

My heart to you Kaitou :)

[Allheart]

Oh Kaitou - it's good to cry and get it out. Now don't go beating yourself up about thinking about it too much. Okay? Just know you have a place to come to when you need to vent.

Have your vent time, allow yourself that, and then go and do something wonderful and different. Something that you know for sure will make you :) smile.

[baby-girl-tara]

m9 would go summin lyk this...
Dear ex
Jump off a cliff you little prick hope you rot in hell
God I feel much betta

[kaitou]

Yeah I'm doing sometihng else. Something wonderful and will make me smile :) *cough* not *cough* studying for my 2 stupid midterms that coming up on Monday <_<;;;

Sigh, I better go back to studying now. I'm not really prepared, been down in the dumps for too long. Anyway thanks for all your help :). At least now I'm in a good mood, and can concentrate on schoolwork!

[Allheart]

Yeah i'm doing sometihng else. Something wonderful and will make me smile :) *cough* not *cough* studying for my 2 stupid midterms that coming up on monday <_<;;;

Sigh, i better go back to studying now. I'm not really prepared, been down in the dumps for too long. Anyways thanks for all your help :). At least now i'm in a good mood, and can concentrate on schoolwork!

I'll expect a good grade on your mid-term young lady :D ( Okay I don't have any kids of my own, let me role play a little :D )

Now go fill that wonderful mind with all that knowledge you will need for that mid-term!! Do yourself proud!!

[salsa]

To the man who thinks is the only one who exists,

I know you will regret it some day. The girl who spent nights crying, and hours thinking about you doesn't exist anymore. You will see me passing by you and not even recognize your existence. I have more important plans than caring about you; I tried to give you a chance but you kicked it. So go to hell with your selfish.. because you going to be invisible to me .

[kaitou]

I suck. After everyone left the house, and I was left alone, I started crying for quite a period. The realization that we would never be together again just makes me so sad. Breaking up after only being together for a short period sucks as much as breaking up for a long period. I think the pain differ in the way that I don't really miss him, but the fact that I ponder about how wonderful it would've been if we continued, because no conflict between us has arise yet. The reason we broke up was because he was scared by spending too much time with me, he would not have time for all his friends, and therefore lose them as a result. It happened before with his previous ex. Just because things went wrong with his ex, he automatically it'll go the same way with us. We were still getting to know each other, of course we had to spent time together, but I never said he can't spent time with his friends too. I didn't expect to be his life. I didn't try hard enough to convince him that it won't happen, not that I know how to anyway. How can I ask him to trust me, when he has so much doubt? But still I didn't even try.

So after our short but wonderful time together, he decided he wasn't ready for a relationship, because he wasn't ready to sacrifice his social time for me yet. Now he completely moved on, and justifies his reason for breaking up with me by going out with his buddies 24/7. He's having the time of his life, and I'm here grieving, crying, and being pathetic.

BAH! I need to move on...

[talaniman]

kaitou, The next time you find yourself alone find something to do anything. Clean closets, rearange your shoes, anything. Call a friend or take a walk. Don't just sit during those moments but practice every time you start to think of what if... do something to take your mind elsewhere. Good luck!

[valinors_sorrow]

Ah Grasshopper Kaitou-- Knowing what to do and doing it -- two very different things.

Example:
Three frogs are sitting on a log and one decided to jump in. How many frogs are sitting on the log now? LOL

I know you know the answer, so now... JUMP! :D

[Teaching]

It is true "actions" say it all. I think though in life we all have the answers deep down, however matching the two and following through is very tough.

[Allheart]

kaitou, The next time you find yourself alone find something to do anything. clean closets, rearange your shoes, anything. Call a friend or take a walk. Don't just sit during those moments but practice every time you start to think of what if...............do something to take your mind elsewhere. Good luck!

Kaitou,

Great advice above from Tal. Give it a try and then... study, study, study :)

Keep in mind, in a way, this young man, spared you heartache down the road. What if this went on for a couple of years and he then decided to pull the plug? Your feelings would be even deeper and so would your pain. He knew that he just wanted to basically just hang out with his friends and be young. That's exactly what you should be doing (after your studies, of course ;). So when you feel the sadness creeping over you, jump into action, and do as Tal suggested. Really try Kaitou. You don't know if it will help unless you try. K?

[LBP]

Dear Ex,

I know you're a good person and this is what makes it so hard for me. Why is it you turned aside my every attempt at friendship? I know I wasn't my best when you first dumped me, but did you really want me to be? I didn't call you every day - I barely called you every week. I didn't write incessantly. I was hurt that you felt the only way to deal with me was to dump me, and yes I said some angry things, but I never said anything so terrible...

Your last response to my extended hand was so unbelievably hurtful that all I can do is close my eyes and walk away. I can't ever reach out to you again because every time I do you grow more cold and vicious. Why are you doing this? What did I do to deserve it? I wrack my brain but there's not a damn thing I can come up with. I know I didn't give you the maximum amount of space, but for goodness sake you're on the other side of the world... Even if I'd made the ultimate effort to contact you (which I didn't do), you'd still be as far away as you'd ever want to be!

So I'm left to sit here and wonder why you decided your life without me as a friend is better than your life with me... I may be able to forgive you for this, one day, but I don't think I'll ever be able to forget. And I won't ever stop asking why... We were best friends, once. I just don't understand why you had to push me so far, so fast...

I'm sorry that I made you feel guilty. I'm sorry it didn't work out. I'm sorry that it's as though my best friend has died... If it were at the price of never seeing you again, never touching you, I'd pay it in a second to get my friend back...

Love,
LBP

[Geoffersonairplane]

Keep in mind, in a way, this young man, spared you heartache down the road.

That's what a lot of people said to me after my break-up. "Would you rather she did this when you were married or worse, had kids together a few years down the road? be grateful in that you have had a lucky escape." I really think it is better when it happens before things get complicated and I would hate for something like that to happen where kids are involved and it ends up in divorce e.t.c. I have seen that happen and it must be very hard, especially for the children.

[wendytime720]

Dear Cheating Ex,

Since April 3, 2006, my world has been sheer misery. I gave you the power to make me miserable. Today, I take it back. 13 years yield lots of memories, most of them good ones. I will take them with me and forever pray that you are at peace. I am going to get this pain out by purging my thoughts to you on this post.

I would have hoped that you could have just told me that you wanted to experience another woman in that way. I would have let you go! I could have let you go. Why you had to disrespect me that night, I will never know. I honestly thought I would never get that image out of my head. Alcohol is NEVER a good excuse, although it is just that... AN EXCUSE. So many times I have wished I could have just beat the crap out of both of you, but we all know that it's just not how I am made. Do you remember what I said to you two? "Are you having fun?" Well, was it fun? Was it worth everything that it cost you? I know you have said how sorry you are... I agree. YOU ARE SORRY. I hope your new wife never experiences the hell you put me through that night. I pity her, though. As my new window decal says... SIZE MATTERS! (couldn't resist)

It is now my goal to put back together the shattered pieces you left behind. With a new outlook and determination to STOP letting your actions that one night sabbotage all I have now. You tore down myself esteem, myself worth, and my dignity. It's time for me to start the rebuilding process.

When you told me the other day that the song "MY WISH" reminds you of me... Well, here is one that reminds me of you:

I've been livin' with a heart on the mend
Wonderin' how will I ever be strong
I know I'll live to love again
I just leaned on you too long
It's been an uphill fight
But I'm going to be all right

I didn't know my own strength
'Till I had to pick myself up
And carry on without your love
I'm gettin' back on my feet
It's been a long hard fall
But I'll make it after all
I didn't know my own strength

I've had oceans of tears to get through
And the weight of the world on my mind
There've been mountains of memories to move
And I've been beating back the blows to my pride
But 'Til the times got tough
I never knew what I was made of
Then the times got tough
And I knew what I was made of

[valinors_sorrow]

Thats what a lot of people said to me after my break-up. "Would you rather she did this when you were married or worse, had kids together a few years down the road? be grateful in that you have had a lucky escape." I really think it is better when it happens before things get complicated and I would hate for something like that to happen where kids are involved and it ends up in divorce e.t.c. I have seen that happen and it must be very hard, especially for the children.

How right you and Allheart are on this one Geoff. People do not have nearly enough appreciation for how bad parental relationships and careless divorce permanently harms kids. People like to excuse their irresponsible behavior by claiming kids are resilient. I got news -- they aren't that resilient, at least not in any numbers. The studies are alarming conclusive. I consider it the number one contributor to the downfall of American culture. We are all paying the price for this one and, like bad environmental mistakes, will be for a long time to come.

[kaitou]

Sometimes I wish I was a fish or something, so I can just swim all day and be happy. So that I won't have complicated feelings/thoughts/emotions. So that I don't know how to ruminate. I'll have a shorter life-span, but at least for the most part I'll have a stress-free life. The only thing I'll have to worry about is being eaten by predator.

People are complicated, life is complicated, if you're not stressing over one thing, you're stressing over another. Some people are more sensative/emotional/genuine, while others are less so. Different people are drawn to different personality, and so no one is better than anyone else, we're all just different and have different preference. But I guess all these differences are what make life more fulfilling and interesting.

On a side note: I wish mermaid exist LOL. And is allheart old enough to be my mom o.o

[valinors_sorrow]

if you're not stressing over one thing, you're stressing over another.

I agreed with most of what you said Kaitou except for this little innocent looking one here. LOL I think its important to realise that what you illustrate here is a chosen pattern that people don't even realise they decided to have as their way of operating. Its possible to become a stress junkie and that is not good! We choose the lives we lead. We sign up for as much or as little as we want. Stress is really you saying to you: "I don't take care of myself." And I think that is worth listening and responding to, for our sake.

There are a number of other ways to view this one too. My personal favorite is this:
If you're not learning one thing, you're learning another! :p
Why not see if you can come up with one of your own? Or borrow mine, if you like...

Additionally, its important to know how to build "breaks" into the schedule. Everyone needs moments to regroup, zone or veg.
If you don't choose constructive things to take your mind off it, you may seek not so constructive things. Even I don't like learning ALL the time! That's what some of my other interests are for mostly -- to allow me to shut off the head and just do and be instead of think and feel.

You can always take a mini break by doing more of exactly what you suggested! Sit back and really ruminate about what being a fish must be like. I mean really really get into it, eyes closed and all. Feel the weightlessness, imagine how much swimming must be like flying, think how strange the surface of the water must seem, the food -is it yummy to them too, etc etc. LOL Just be sure to eventually surface, okay?

Another good one is singing. Put on those tunes and let 'er rip! Its hard to think and sing at the same time. Chanters learned that long ago and there is something about the actual act of singing that they've discovered is good for us emotionally or physiologically. Another mini-break of sorts.

And I hear you about Allheart, she is mother earth indeed and I am very glad she is here.

[kaitou]

If you're not happy with one with one thing, you're happy with another :D?