[Hurtslikehell12]

Oliver has neatly summed up the situation -- you chew and rechew and re-rechew.

Move forward and stop spinning your wheels.

moving forward - please read above ^^ thank you

[talaniman]

LOL, how many day of NC o far?? We may be a bit impatient with your progress, but don't you be. :)

[Hurtslikehell12]

My thinking? It never hurts to hope, perhaps even pray (although this is not a religious board) for what we hope will happen, for what we think we need. You also have to be realistic.

Keep walking forward, keep hoping, maybe even keep the door open - but remain realistic. Chances are she is not coming back.

Question - if she calls tomorrow, all apologies, wants to come back - would you take her back? With me, my partner cheated, I could almost accept the cheating. I couldn't get past the lying.

I always said there were 2 things that would spell the end of us - drugs and cheating! My prev ex cheated on me 3 times, but it never hurt as much as this! But still, Ive been chasing to get her back - I can't explain why as I always thought I'd be clear-cut about this issue? Maybe it's the belief that everyone deserves a 2nd chance and that we all make mistakes but my issue is also more to do with what has happened since she left rather than the cheating! I'm trying not to think of her coming back at all Judy and accepting that she's decided to move on (some time ago!). Maybe I will say a silent prayer that she comes back at night but other than that I have to accept she won't and that way I won't keep disappointing myself if you get me? Maybe my logic is flawed but it seems to be sitting better with me today than my slip-up yesterday? What do you think pal?

LOL, how many day of NC o far??? We may be a bit impatient with your progress, but don't you be. :)

It's been 20 hours since my last failure! Lol forgive me, I honestly am trying! What can I say, I bloody love the woman!

[Oliver2011]

I wouldn't say so Oliver - this is a pretty big, life changing event for me - I maybe analyse and fixate on things a bit much but from what I understand my reactions to all this, albeit protracted, are fairly common and to be expected. On the other hand, if I had no emotions and decided just to deflect and deny my feelings then I think I'd be in a worse place - it might have taken some time, but I have to say, I don't think I'd be able to hang around someone with so little empathy or understanding such as yourself? Maybe our personalities clash but dont worry, i wont be having the same trouble getting over you! ;) She stood by me for 7 and a half years so I can't be all that bad pal!

This isn't about me but I am very emotional and too caring. And I didn't say you were all bad. In fact I said in an earlier post you seemed like a decent guy. The difference is I don't allow anyone to control my emotions/behaviors/feelings at all.

My partner is a huge part of my life. But my partner is not my whole life. If we broke up sure I would be sad, but I know that my life would go on without a huge interruption.

When you ask for people's perspectives on here, try reading and accepting them without slamming the person giving you advice.

[JudyKayTee]

"I always said there were 2 things that would spell the end of us - drugs and cheating! My prev ex cheated on me 3 times, but it never hurt as much as this! But still, Ive been chasing to get her back - I can't explain why as I always thought I'd be clear-cut about this issue? Maybe it's the belief that everyone deserves a 2nd chance and that we all make mistakes but my issue is also more to do with what has happened since she left rather than the cheating! I'm trying not to think of her coming back at all Judy and accepting that she's decided to move on (some time ago!). Maybe I will say a silent prayer that she comes back at night but other than that I have to accept she won't and that way I won't keep disappointing myself if you get me? Maybe my logic is flawed but it seems to be sitting better with me today than my slip-up yesterday? What do you think pal?"

Print this out and paste it on your forehead - "
Give yourself a break."

It's little steps, and it's time - and right now you can't see beyond the breakup. It's a loss, like a death. Take time to grieve.

[Hurtslikehell12]

This isn't about me but I am very emotional and too caring. And I didn't say you were all bad. In fact I said in an earlier post you seemed like a decent guy. The difference is I don't allow anyone to control my emotions/behaviors/feelings at all.

My partner is a huge part of my life. But my partner is not my whole life. If we broke up sure I would be sad, but I know that my life would go on without a huge interruption.

When you ask for people's perspectives on here, try reading and accepting them without slamming the person giving you advice.

sorry if I upset you Oliver - I must be in the minority then that feels like their world has collapsed and have to build it up again? I appreciate the perspective and advice as I've already said, but again, there are other opinions and perspectives being offered. I'm not slamming you, but have a lot on my mind right now as you can tell!

[JudyKayTee]

I have been more than sympathetic. I have a great deal of respect for Oliver. We all do.

Please don't turn passive/aggressive on him - "I must be in the minority then that feels like their world has collapsed and have to build it up again? "

I'm now going to argue against myself - and maybe I missed it.

Did she give you any explanation at all, an explanation of how long the "other guy" had been going on, what she saw as problems in your relationship, anything? Sometimes people just grow apart. Sometimes it's more than that.

I do not think 3 months "grieving" over a 7-1/2 year relationship is excessive.

[Hurtslikehell12]

I'm now going to argue against myself - and maybe I missed it.

Did she give you any explanation at all, an explanation of how long the "other guy" had been going on, what she saw as problems in your relationship, anything? Sometimes people just grow apart. Sometimes it's more than that.

I do not think 3 months "grieving" over a 7-1/2 year relationship is excessive.

She met this guy 2 weeks before it all happened! She met him through a workmate at the girls flat (the workmate is no longer friends with either of them because of all this!) I met the guy later that night! I have no idea how many times they met up after this but my fiancée stayed away from nearly a week telling me she was with friends and going out with teammates. There were some reasons given but the reasons changed constantly - never got a reason for cheating though, just an admission of guilt and she took the responsibility, saying he had nothing to do with it? Sorry if that's a bit sketchy Judy - let me know if you need specifics. And my apologies if prev comments to Oliver came over as passive aggressive - I think as much as I don't like to admit it, it is his advice that is prevailing here so apologies again! I suppose I just wish I was able to realise I was totally dependent and have my own space the way he has! If you read this, sorry mate :)

[Oliver2011]

No apologies necessary. I know saying no one controls my emotions but me sounds cold, but it is truly emotionally healthy. My partner and I are very close and I hope we are together forever. But we both realize that we need separate activities and friends. Also if something were to happen to us we would both have those friends and activities to help in the healing. Control what you can and don't allow those things that you can't control to control you. Trust me - it does work.