[Skell]

It isn't a matter of how you appear to her. You don't get it do you. Your still worried about her and what she is thinking. Your still doing the needy ex thing.

You need to forget her and how you appear to her and move on. That's what she is doing after all.

So she deleted you from MSN. You were blocked anyway. Who cares? What's the difference.

Look, I know it hurts and I know for a few months you cling onto hope that it will still work out.
Well I can tell you first hand that the more quick you can get that rubbish out of your head and begin to worry about yourself and not her the better.

She isn't coming back and no amount of reconcile, MSN or whatever is going to change that. Sorry if I sound harsh. Im not, but I'm being honest and I have been where you are now. And I can tell you it is a silly and foolish place to be in!

Your kidding yourself and making it harder to heal and move on.

So accept that she is now once and for all in the past and worry more about yourself and less worry about her and what she may think of you. Because you know what? She isn't thinking of you!

[Skell]

She's gone and isn't coming back.

Time to move on! She has!

Your looking for answers to questions that don't exist. Please for the good of yourself accept it is over. You need to do this in order to begin healing!

[Geoffersonairplane]

Skell said it best 4answers, sorry Skell I had to spread the rep so could not rate you.

I won't add much more as Skell was spot on and he speaks from experience too...

You are still punishing yourself and stuck in this limbo of false hope... To be honest, sometimes I still get this, perhaps at night when I lay alone, I think about it but you have to try and block these thoughts..

She is gone and most probably getting on with her life and it is sad to say, but she most likely is not thinking about you at all. I know you must hurt as I do too and it seems wrong doesn't it, but it is what it is and nothing can change that...

You can't change it 4answers, no matter what you do... Everytime you come back here, I can sense the false hope pouring out of what you write. Its over!!

I'm not sure if you have even began any process of healing or working on you... I don't know, maybe you have but even so, you must continue this process.. I ditto what Skell says too, I don't mean to sound harsh but you really do need to know what the score is.

[kay13]

Geoff is right (sorry Geoff, could not rep you!), you are not even thinking of walking along that long road to recovery.

What you need to do urgently is get those walking boots on and get going, the sooner you start the better you'll feel.

[Geoffersonairplane]

Her internal switch of interest flicked to non interest and once that happened nothing I did / do makes a happeth of difference.

Nothing you do now will ever make a difference to what happened or what will happen next except for the difference it makes to you and you progress in becoming healthy again.

It just feels so wrong, she is missing out on a lot of love and there is F*** All I can do about it !

How do you know she is missing out? She may be missing out on this love but that might not be something she really wants right now and forget what she regrets later on in life, that is for her to deal with and not your responsibility.

You know when you just want to sceam at the situation !!! Your being forced down a road of no contact, heartbreak, pain and loss and its so not what you want ! And its so not what she wants out of life.... Irony, what she wanted is what she give up.... You go figure !

How do you know for sure what she really wants out of life>>>right now! What people want changes over time. I understand the pain you have but this pain is yours and not hers and you cannot make assumptions about what someone else truly wants. It is also important to understand that what she needs and what she wants may be two very different things right now.

Where Now ! Do you continue to try whilst she moves on or do you not try and live life Knowing this is wrong !

You Move On, you work on yourself and forget contacting her. It is the only way!

Only to meet years later and her like you again.

So many times this has happened in the past, an ex wanting you back, so why did they part in the first place, especially since they knew they were breaking your heart.

False hope again, although I do acknowledge that this does happen and is possible, but putting all your eggs in this basket is really going to debilitate your healing and thinking like this will either drive you insane or ensure that you never move on and find any happiness. Besides, this kind of thing could take 10 years... Are you really prepared to waste your life waiting for an indefinate period for someone to change their mind which may never happen anyway?

[4answers]

Hi guys, for those who did not read my last note. Did no contact with an ex, who knows how I feel. Logged onto msn only to find she had removed me from her contact list, but not blocked me. Basically she would not know when I was online.

I know I shouldn't of done!! But I needed to know why so I sent her this.

"Hi there.

I trust you are well, study going well and enjoying your marathon swims....lol.

I am emailing because I have noticed that your msn profile has changed and you no longer appear to want to remain in contact. If its the case then that is fine, but its not what I want. So the email is for clarification purposes.

I hope this is not unwelcome and your not upset by this. "

She does not reply to this but adds me back in her contact list in MSN.

I don't know what to make of this?!

Is it game play, wanting friendship or is there feeling their ! I just don't know, It seems like the time we had together was just a bit of fun for her and has no value... That hurts, but I just don't know!

[Geoffersonairplane]

I think she just does not want to hurt your feelings mate and I have followed your progress since the beginning. Yet I think we need to come back to that one>>>Your Progress!!

I don't think you should read into this, she probably just does not want to hurt you and is reacting to what you sent her. By the way, I don't think that was a wise move at all but never mind, what is done is done.

You must however begin to focus on you and you alone... You are the biggest hope guy I have found so far on AMHD I am sure, yet I have not been here that long, only a few months. I don't mean that to sound rude as I think you are a nice guy and I too struggle>>>>>struggled with hope for some time... I still get my moments but you are really driven by this hope, this need for her to come back. It is really setting you back and you must stop doing this to yourself!

Delete her from MSN, cut all contact, ALL CONTACT!!

If you keep contacting this woman, you are just going to keep going back to square one, trust me!!

[talaniman]

You already know how I feel as you have posted enough to know that I think you have refused to accept this female has moved on and you should be doing the same. Until you do you will be hanging in the wind every time you get that feeling to contact your ex. Its called denial and until you start dealing with the truth you can never be healthy and let those old ghosts cloud your thinking. Give it up and stop worrying about her and start taking care of you.

[chuff]

Hi guys, for those who did not read my last note. Did no contact with an ex, who knows how I feel. Logged onto msn only to find she had removed me from her contact list, but not blocked me.

Okay I'm an emotional man too so I'm not trying to be disrespectful her but why do you give a damn what she does with her account? She's your ex. But you are treating her like she's your current girlfriend that doesn't know it and will come back to you when she wakes up. She's not coming back.

Basically she would not know when I was online.

You don't know when I'm online and you do fine don't you? I'm just like her just another person on the internet. Why is it vital that you know when she's online? If anything you should have erased her account so you wouldn't know she's online.

I know I shouldn't of done !!! but I needed to know why so I sent her this.

Why? You don't need to know that. Your living in her reality. You need to live in yours.

"Hi there.

I trust you are well, study going well and enjoying your marathon swims....lol.

I am emailing because I have noticed that your msn profile has changed and you no longer appear to want to remain in contact. If its the case then that is fine, but its not what I want. So the email is for clarification purposes.

I hope this is not unwelcome and your not upset by this. "

Dude, that reeeeeeeeeeeeks of desperation.

She does not reply to this but adds me back in her contact list in MSN.

I dont know what to make of this ?!!!!!!!!

I wouldn't reply either. Second I would make of it that she's trying to be nice to you without hurting your feelings. Why would she reply to this act of desperation.

Is it game play, wanting friendship or is there feeling their ! I just dont know, It seems like the time we had together was just a bit of fun for her and has no value... That hurts, but I just dont know !!

Doing stuff like this will not help you move on. Delete any trace of her from you life and pretend she's dead. For all intent purposes she needs to be. You need to move on without running back to her.

[4answers]

Hi guys,

For those of you who have not followed my story, I was with a girl who pushed for a relationship with me evan thought she was going to univercity. So we began a relationship. During phone conversations I found out that she had had a 3 some with her ex partner and his friend who she did not know, evan though she had previously told me I could trust her because she does not know how anyone could sleep with a stranger.

When I found this out I reacted badly to it, I disagreed with what she had done, but was more hurt by the lie! There was no need for it, because she knows I have had one night stands in the past and regret it.

I was judgemental, which was wrong and I tried to make amends to this but she ended the relationship. She said that she did not wish to lose me in her life. Unfortunately I did the needy desperate ex boyfriend bit which pushed her further away.

Once I did a period of no contact, to stop the emails and texts I was sending her, we were back on talking terms. We spoke just after xmas on MSN. However after 2 weeks of no contact (me not logging onto msn) I log on and she has removed me from her contact list. I send an email saying if she wants no contact that is fine but its not what I want.

In response to this she does not reply to the email but puts me back in her contact list, however her photograph shows her with some guy !

I lost value due to the way I overreacted, but surly she has to realise that her actions will produce that response. I have since then tried to get that value back but it does not appear to have happened. It appears that everything she liked about me, the romance, the love, the fun time were just a lie! What I can't understand is why ?

How do I resolve such a situation ? How do I get back my value ?

I know I need to move on, and I will, but I am really finding this very hard to do. I hate the fact that it was alll meaninless and I cannot bear the thought of someone thinking of me as a type of person when I am not that type of person.

Also why not try to resolve issues rather than just give up.


I am really trying to handle this in a way that will restore my value and respect. But I don't know how. Lame I know. But I cannot accept someone having the wrong opinion of me ! Gues its just me !

Someone thinking ill of me for the wrong reasons is not acceptable to me. I cannot understand her actions, She mucked me about instead of just being straight with me, why I don't know.

I know you will all say forget this, but its not in my nature to be ill thought of wrongly. I can't accept it, nor can I accept what I do not understand.

Its cutting me up.

I guess I cannot accept being of negative value to someone. How do I deal with this ?

I appreaciate you patience, help and support.

[march357]

First let me say you're looking at this all wrong. You're giving away your power of choice to your ex. SHE'S the one who lied to you and had a threesome. Your reaction was fine. I would have reacted the same way. Betrayed and angry. You're reacting the way you are now because she took the power and "left you" instead of you telling her you will not stand for lying or cheating and leaving her. Anytime someone leaves you in a relationship, the person who is left feels powerless.(Been there) But once you examine those feelings you'll realize you're better off without her. And by constantly trying to contact her or win her back you'll just push her farther away. Because you now look desperate to her.
Busy yourself with other friends, hobbies, travel, work whatever. But keep yourself busy. And before long you won't even think about her. Who cares if she thinks you're wrong for her? You're giving her opinion too much power. If a stranger walking down the street called you a name would you believe them? Of course not. And you shouldn't believe her either. The more you know who you are and believe in that, the less likely you'll be to believe the lies of others.
As for resolving issues, you can do that yourself because she's told you over and over she's not interested. So you'll have to examine your own actions and grow from that.
Remember, before dating again to know who you are, what your standards are and don't settle for anything less. We all deserve honest, loving partners who will treat us with patience and respect. You would want that for your friends -why not yourself? It's her loss in the long run. You deserve better in life. So be strong and know there are so many good people out there to meet in life. Why waste your energy on someone who isn't interested? Best of luck. Be strong.

[LBP]

I know what you're feeling. I've gone through it and in some ways am still going through it. I think to myself, often, why didn't she just tell the truth instead of lying and then exploding when caught in the lie? If she'd told the truth from the get go, we could still be friends today.

She didn't want to do what she had to in order for things to work out. She's young, I'm young and I'm going to guess that you and your ex are both young people as well. There's a lot to do with yourself, hard as it is - the trick is recognizing when you're in a low moment and to simply let it pass you by. Does that mean sitting around and contemplating how crappy you feel until you no longer feel crappy? NOOO! Fill that time with something else! Empty twnety-five bottles of Snapple and shatter them all. Hit a punching bag until your knuckles bleed. Do something and then, when you're done (and hopefulyl flush with exhaustion and endorphins) you won't feel quite so bad.

Another thing to do is get out and meet other women. Not to pursue them, but to sense that you are indeed an attractive person, get a little of that shattered confidence back.

Good luck. It's a long road and I know I haven't seen the end of it but no need to turn yourself into a slub over... What? A little heartbreak? Everyone gets it. Everyone, unless they don't want to, also gets over it.

[Geoffersonairplane]

4answers, some months ago, I came here looking for help, I was really feeling down and extremely confused and was crying out for help just as you have. I got a lot of support by some amazingly compassionate and understanding people. I took a lot from what was said to me and I ignored nothing.

One post that stood out was by the Chuffer and was like nitrous oxide to my progress because I was in the same mindset as you... This quote is from one of my first threads and relates to my breakup but will help you too..

I'll say it again, STOP TALKING TO THESE PEOPLE. Your ex. Your ex's mother. Your ex's friends. Your ex's dog. Anything your ex please remove yourself from now.

Actually you are hurting someone. The most important person in your life, yourself. You just continue to beat yourself up and make yourself the victim over and over. The break up was bad enough but then you keep punishing yourself. STOP IT!!!!!

Ok you got dumped. No question she gave up a compassionate, caring person. That's her loss. If she want's someone that is not that good for her. I've got think there's a compassionate, caring person somewhere in that would appreciate you. Even if there isn't that doesn't give you the right to beat yourself up like this.

I think a lot of this could speak volumes for you too 4answers and you really need to sit down and think about this. I'm not saying I have not had my moments since then because I have but I am in a different mindset where I have regained some control whereas before I had little control.

Get your control back!!!

[chuff]

As for the above post to Geoff let me say Thank you. I'm actually a little bit flattered and certainly honored that something I said was the "nitrous oxide to progress." I too came here looking for advice and after learning here and doing some other things that fact that I can give something back makes it all worthwhile.

As for you 4answers, I agree with the above as it relates to your situation. Ok you got dumped. We've all been dumped. I know it feels like it at the moment your all alone and nobody can understand but the your not in some club that nobody else is in. Your in a club that were all in. We've all been there. We've all said our situation was different. But you emotions are numb and you in shock. So if you want to heal this you've got to trust people outside your emotional circle and trust us when we say remove everything of her from your life.

I remember I also suggested this Geoff and I'm going to suggest it to you, stick around this site and read some of the posts and the solutions other posters offer. Find the consistencies in the answers and learn from them so that in the future you become a stronger person. Everyone that came here came looking for answers and now we've all become stronger by sticking around and learning from other's and relating it to situations we've been in ourselves and learned from it.

[Geoffersonairplane]

I agree 4answers with what Chuff has said again but you must be open minded and willing to listen otherwise you will get nowhere.

[4answers]

Finally have conceeded she is gone, deleted her details from msn. I had hoped to remain on friendly contact and rebuild my lost value to her ! But it hurts too much and is to damm hard.

Only trouble is now, lonliness and depression ! Not a confident guy at the best of times, but even less when I feel like S***.

Thanks for all your help and support, hope I am making the right decision, god knows I have made bad ones !

Scared that I have taken this step of letting go, but my resolve will go and I will reverse this, simply because its not what I really want.

[Morrolan]

You have to stay focused on something away from the relationship.

I am going through the same thing you are. There are good days and bad days. I've found, however, that the good days are normally during periods of no contact. The bad days normally follow a conversation with her. The no contact thing is best. If you let go, you will heal. Just think of it this way; every time you have an interaction with her, you've undone all the good that you have accomplished since letting go. Stay the course!

[Skell]

Yeah sure it is scary but it is the best and only option you really have.

You know what to do to make things better. You have read and re-read all the threads here for a while now and know what path to take that will best help you heal.

You have made 1 small step to acceptance and healing. It won't be easy but stick to your guns and I promise you it will get better in time!

[Skell]

Have you read anything any of us have said in any of your posts??

We can only bang our heads against the brick wall for so long before my head will no longer let me bang!

[Copperhead6]

Son let this be a valuable lesson. You get attached easy. Guard your heart and be careful who you hand it too. You'll be much stronger when all this is said and done. And take her off your contact list on messenger. You might want to consider not even talking to people on there for awhile. Good luck!