Check out some similar questions!

cassicat4 · May 16, 2009, 09:50 AM

Wow... now what do you do if your bf/soon-to-be-ex-bf/ex-bf IS the woman? That is, everything that's been described here about women giving off signals and communication and how they deal with problems... that's what my supposed boyfriend does, that's how he gives off 'signals' and 'communicates'. He's even admitted before to being moodier than any woman. That's why I have no idea if he's broken up with me, or just taking some 'space'. :( Either way... why are people so terrified about saying what they really mean/think? I've always been taught to talk out problems, discuss the issues, everything. How does running away or saying "nothing" or "i don't want to talk about it" solve anything? Because yes, then when a breakup occurs, it hurts so much worse because you couldn't mentally prepare for it. I feel what you guys are going through, that's all I can say. :(

ajGambino · May 20, 2009, 07:43 PM

UPDATE:

Today has been a month and I'm still in NC mode. I have come a long way through this and I know I still have ways to go. I never thought I'd last a month without talking to her. I'd just like to thank all of you guys for pointing me in the right direction and helping me with this whole mess.

It's what I've become that I feared the most. But it's been a little easier and I can be thankful for that.

Going for another month, couldn't do it without your support. I love you guys, thank you.

catch 22 · May 20, 2009, 08:07 PM

Just read through your thread and I feel your pain. 9 years would probably kill me. I'm suffering over a year and a half relationship.

I had the same issue about "not going out much" and the utter lack of communication on her part. She acted as though she asked to go out to dinner every night and I refused. We'd hang out, get food, watch movies, and suddenly I'm told I was supposed to be doing other things?

I also go crazy with all the "what ifs", why didn't I get the idea to take her out to dinner that last week, maybe I would have saved everything.

But there are many smart replies posted in this thread. People who are committed to each other make it through no matter what. That's what I tried telling my GF before No Contact, other people get through cheating, abuse, other people go to counseling if they can't fix it alone, yet I'm not worth another chance? She just isn't committed.

I will try to stay tough, if you can handle 9 years I guess I have to be a man and handle 1.5.

ajGambino · May 20, 2009, 10:42 PM

That's what it was all along, just lack of commitment. I was willing to do anything to change our relationship for the better, while she just sat there waiting for something to happen that benefited her.

Still, it takes two people to be in a relationship and I see more and more everyday that she didn't want to put effort. I guess I could have only done so much before she decided to leave. It hurts, but there's nothing I can do but try to move on.

catch 22 · May 20, 2009, 11:04 PM

It takes two people to succeed and two people to fail. Don't blame it all on yourself. With commitment and communication, anything is possible. Obviously if a relationship fails, one of those two things wasn't happening.

Maybe we messed up by not taking our ladies out enough, but they failed too by playing the "read my mind" game instead of sitting down and saying they'd like to go out more often.

She told me she deserves better and I said "yes you do, but you will never get what you want until you learn to ask for it".

ajGambino · May 21, 2009, 02:41 AM

A person who tells you they deserve better shows how they'd treat you. My ex never said that but she left me so I'm guessing she thought that much.

You don't deserve that man, saying something like that is shallow and arrogant.

ajGambino · Jun 7, 2009, 11:18 PM

Update:

It's been well over a month now and things are getting a LITTLE bit easier then before. I still wish she was with me and that she would talk to me, but I know what I have to do for myself and what's healthy for both of us.

Today I was going through my emails and just doing some random filtering and caught some of her emails to me from before she left. It hit me pretty hard, started to feel weak and shaky, almost brought me back to day one.

... you know, I haven't even gone through my pictures and I have a ton of them... probably going to have a friend go through everything and delete most of them.

*sigh* Slow progress is painful, God help me.

kctiger · Jun 8, 2009, 05:43 AM

Delete the pics and delete the emails... throw away things that remind you of her. Simple truth: she is dead to you now. Act like it.

Slow progress is painful, but no progress is flat out dreadful. A month isn't very long. Decent progress won't me made in a month, especially after 9 years. I wish it was that easy.

ajGambino · Jun 11, 2009, 09:28 PM

Today I was having an OK day, still hurts, still has an impact on everything I do, still struggling with my situation but trying to make the best of it.

Out of nowhere, an employee at work was saying something about myspace and how he's talking to girls and whatnot. He mentions he saw my ex on there, which she didn't have before... and apparently, she's had it for a while now, right after the breakup, if not before.

My whole world sunk again, started to lose my mind, felt weak, started thinking and being so depressed about the fact that she has moved on so fast and I'm here trying to stay alive day by day.

I mean, she has a f*ing myspace and is having a good time with the breakup while I'm here, trying to bust my @$$ at work, trying to move on the best way I can, telling myself that my life isn't over yet... and she's having the greatest f*ing time of her life right now.

GOD! I HATE THIS!

talaniman · Jun 11, 2009, 10:00 PM

Hang in there guy as you will get through this glitch. You have been giving some great advice since you have been here so keep it up. Your closer to the end of the tunnel than you think. Keep pushing yourself down that path.

ajGambino · Jun 11, 2009, 10:06 PM

Give me some insights on this, if you would please:

I have found out about her myspace and it freakin' sucks so much right now... is that a good thing or bad thing..

Maybe good like finding out now and getting the pain over with? Kind of like pulling the band-aid off quickly?

FakeShades · Jun 12, 2009, 02:01 AM

Originally Posted by ajGambino

Give me some insights on this, if you would please:

I have found out about her myspace and it freakin' sucks so much right now...is that a good thing or bad thing..?

Maybe good like finding out now and getting the pain over with? Kind of like pulling the band-aid off quickly?

It's OK to look at things like myspace or Facebook once, a lot of people slip up and that one click can set you back, whether it's seeing a comment from some guy she talks to or a tiny picture of her with someone else. My advice is to try your hardest to avoid ever seeing her page again.

I think the obvious problem with breakups is that people force it into their minds that no-one will love them the same way, or they don't want to restart a new relationship with someone new because it won't be as good or will take so long, but stay positive man. Like 98% of the people on this board I'm in a bad situation like you, keep your head up and just tell yourself crying over some girl that doesn't like you IS pathetic as you said in one of your earlier posts. Tell yourself a girl cannot have this much power over you, there will be others, and most likely one that WILL talk problems out with you instead of just walking out.

naturallydelici · Jun 12, 2009, 02:05 AM

Better to never find out ever, I guess, but sometimes it's just bad luck too =(.

What I try to do is tell myself over and over again that it doesn't matter now because she's out of my life and there's no point in worrying/thinking about her life when mine's sitting right here in front of me. I don't always believe myself, but I keep repeating it anyway...

Just definitely don't look at it, keep on the course, and know that this is just a bump in the road. Everybody's right - you have come a long way. Hell, just by reading through your thread right now, I feel a little better about myself too (about a month and a half here). Camaraderie, I guess. We'll make it...

If it helps any, I had a similar situation in my beginning. My ex really liked this brand 'lesportsac'. Had bags, backpacks, bought me one, and when we'd go out I'd usually wear the backpack. Saw on Facebook a picture, she had gone to visit her ex-bf (other than me... ), and there he is wearing her backpack! It's like I just got replaced, and there she is smiling...

Ugh. Sorry. Maybe it's best to not dwell.. It's just so easy for my thoughts to just careen away. I guess the moral is: don't go looking at pictures!

jmw0713 · Jun 12, 2009, 05:13 AM

This is just one of those bumps we all hit along the way. Try not to let it eat at you. Contiue what you have been doing to get over her, and do you best to forget about it or let it go.

ajGambino · Jun 12, 2009, 09:07 PM

This is definitely a bump, a big one. I was moving along at a pretty good speed. Before I found this out, I was starting to work harder at my job, I even started to eat like a pig. Just the other day, I ate way more then what I've eaten in a while and I was thinking to myself, maybe things are starting to get better sooner then I thought... then BAM!

Can't eat as much anymore, thoughts wander, scenarios pop into my head. Usually, I always listen to my iPod at work and I've discovered that not listening to it helps out. I'm not going to wear those for a while now. *sigh*

chuff · Jun 13, 2009, 05:23 AM

AJ I have myspace and Facebook. I rarely go to either. In fact, I have myspace because a friend set it up for me about 5 years ago so we could keep in contact, and I asked her, "why can't we just email or use the phone?" She is my number two friend, behind Tom of course, and I haven't spoken to her in at least a year. I set up Facebook and have used it probably 10 times or less in 2 years. The point is anybody can have it and it doesn't mean anything about moving on. You could go get myspace right now. It's just a website.

The point I'm trying to make is you are giving too much meaning to her actions and not enough to yours. You have gone over a month of NC. After 9 years that means something. That is progress that is positive for you and you hold onto it. You've learned how tough you are, and it's tougher then you ever gave yourself credit for. That means something. You learned that you can depend on yourself and not her. That means something. You have established some and set up some guidelines for yourself and followed them in a deeply emotional time. That means something. This is your time, and these are your improvements and they mean something so start recognizing them and hold onto them, and quit demeaning them or ignoring them.

You have a inner strength that is peeking around a corner but is afraid of all the negative you keep feeding it. It's coming out at some point. You have the ability to make it sooner rather then later but you have to start worrying less about her and start recognizing how far you've come in a short time and looking at the positives of your situation (and they are there) and bring your focus to them and ignore the negatives.

chuff · Jun 13, 2009, 05:29 AM

Originally Posted by ajGambino

This is definitely a bump, a big one. I was moving along at a pretty good speed. Before I found this out, I was starting to work harder at my job, I even started to eat like a pig.

Please don't get physically unhealthy over a girl. If anything get a gym membership and focus on eating healthy. You'll start to love yourself for it.

Just the other day, I ate way more then what I've eaten in a while and I was thinking to myself, maybe things are starting to get better sooner then I thought... then BAM!

Originally Posted by ajGambino

Usually, I always listen to my ipod at work and I've discovered that not listening to it helps out. I'm not going to wear those for a while now.

Sometimes changing little behaviors signifies changes in your life. You would think things like this would be unrelated, but wearing the iPod was something you did back then. Now things are different. Plus, songs can remind of people and the lyrics can remind you of an ex. I have found myself after a break up I listen to talk radio for awhile because somehow the lyrics in every single song always make me think of the girl I just broke up with. That goes away after a while. I still have to listen to rock at the gym, because I need something to pump me up and people talking doesn't do it.

chuff · Jun 13, 2009, 07:36 AM

Originally Posted by jessebaby

Hello,
I am Jesse, i saw your profile today at (askmehelpdesk.com) i become interested to community with you to make an everlasting relationship which will build love and trust between us. contact me with my email address thus; ([email protected]).I will send you my picture for you to know whom i am. waiting to hear from you soonest.
Thanks yours,
Jesse...([email protected])

Look at that AJ. Jesse is interested in you to make everlasting relationship which will build love and trust. I bet she's a model. In fact I'll find out I'm emailing her.

jlove09 · Jun 13, 2009, 07:46 AM

You're really strong. I wouldn't be able to do this. Keep up the great work

ajGambino · Jun 13, 2009, 09:37 AM

I appreciate it guys, thank you for your support. Chuff, I never thought of it like that, one more week is the 2 month mark. That's a really long time considering all the crap I was going through.

I really hope to come out with my inner strength sooner rather than later, so I'm trying to make everyday the best one I can. Again, thanks a lot guys.