[jrsg]

So, I am basically reviewing my last relationship. As many of you may know, I want my ex back. I am reviewing it to hopefully solve the problem and get back together, or at least learn from mistakes made in the relationship.

So,
One day (I am in highschool), my girlfriend tells me that she wants to talk after class. I'm worrying through the whole class, thinking "is she going to break up with me" and "Is it over all ready?" I was so worried. I convinced myself that it was over. I even gave myself the "theres more fish in the sea" speech, lol.

So class ends, and we talk. She says that her ex kissed her. She pushed him away immediately, and got mad at him for it. She said she felt guilty for doing it.

Me, thinking she was going to break up with me, was relieved. I was happy that she didn't break up with me. So, I smiled when she told me. There is where I think I made the mistake.

I think the reaction she was looking for was me to say "HE DID WHAT! THAT MOTHERFU**ER! I AM GOING TO KILL THAT ASSH**E! WHAT THE FU**!? Instead, I was happy, and I actually laughed a bit. So, I think that I made her feel like I didn't really want her by doing this.

So, did I screw up there? How does a girl expect you to react to something like that?

Thanks

[Chery]

You forgot to tell us what her reaction to your smile was. Did she get up and leave? Was the 'talk' over? Do you have plans to see each other again soon?

Just like you let your mind wonder in class, you are getting way ahead of yourself again. Never try to second-guess a girl because if you don't talk to each other you don't know what she is thinking...

You are just starting on life and learning about dating and how to react... so this is the time when couples talk to each other to find out how they feel about things. If you have doubts, fears, any questions for that matter - you should be talking about them with each other. I'm 57 and still don't know how to read minds - and I will not even try to second-guess another person because it does nothing but create undue stress. The best thing to do is talk, talk, about anything and everything under the sun - with the person involved - that's the only way to learn.

Something was bothering her so she talked to you about it to get it off her chest.. and she was probably just as scared of your response as you might be by asking her if you reacted wrongly.

Next time you see her, give her a hug and be normal and plan some fun together. You don't have to be a brute towards the other guy, she defended herself and just told you about it. Let her know you still care for her and that her past is not going to get in the way of you two getting closer and learning more about each other.

Good luck, and keep us posted.

[jrsg]

Okay, so I had a girlfriend. We stayed together for an amazing long-term relationship of 2 weeks long!

The reason we broke up is not quite clear yet, but it has something t do with the fact that her ex kissed her during our relationship. She broke up with me because she knew it was the beginning of a long issue, one that she didn't think I could handle.

Her ex is mentally unstable. He tried to kill himself when she broke up with him. He said ot her that if she didn't go back to him, that he would kill himself. She went back to him. She is now trying to be a bi**h to him to get him dump her.

So, she thinks he is going to dump her soon.

Today, I saw her. We studied for an english exam coming up. We also talked. We talked about what is happening with her and that crazy suicidal ex. She said that she thinks he is going to dump her soon. She also pointed out that the reason she broke up with me was because of this problem. She also says that the problem is going to be over soon.

Do I take this as a hint that we could be getting back together? I don't think she will come to me, because she thinks I am over her, and that I have moved on (I really havent). So, do I let her know how I feel? That I still love her?
What I want to tell her is, "I still love you. Once all this stuff is over, would you like to try a relationship again?"

I really want to get back together with her. So, what do you think of my idea to let her know how I feel?


Another thing: If I ask that, everything will end, whatever the outcome. She will either say yes, or no. If she says yes, than great, I got her back. If she says no, then I know for sure that this is all over, and I can move on. So, I think I should definitely ask the question.
What do you think?

Thanks, and thank you for all the help you have provided me with in the past.

[jrsg]

You forgot to tell us what her reaction to your smile was. Did she get up and leave? Was the 'talk' over? Do you have plans to see each other again soon?

Just like you let your mind wonder in class, you are getting way ahead of yourself again. Never try to second-guess a girl because if you don't talk to each other you don't know what she is thinking....

You are just starting out on life and learning about dating and how to react... so this is the time when couples talk to each other to find out how they feel about things. If you have doubts, fears, any questions for that matter - you should be talking about them with each other. I'm 57 and still don't know how to read minds - and I will not even try to second-guess another person because it does nothing but create undue stress. The best thing to do is talk, talk, about anything and everything under the sun - with the person involved - that's the only way to learn.

Something was bothering her so she talked to you about it to get it off her chest.. and she was probably just as scared of your response as you might be by asking her if you reacted wrongly.

Next time you see her, give her a hug and be normal and plan some fun together. You don't have to be a brute towards the other guy, she defended herself and just told you about it. Let her know you still care for her and that her past is not going to get in the way of you two getting closer and learning more about each other.

Good luck, and keep us posted.

Thanks, and from the fact that you said "the talk" in your response, I assume you remember all the posts you helped me with before. That really does mean a lot to me, and thanks for that.

Anyway, she was shocked at how I handled it.

Today, when I was talking to her, she told me a story. She said that one of her exes from a year ago asked her out. She is currently dating another one of her exes. The guy she is currently dating got mad, and said to say to stay away from him. Then, she looked at me and yelled "THAT IS HOW A BOYFRIEND SHOULD REACT!"
I took that as a hint (LOL) that she wanted me to act more mad.

I need things to be pointed out to me. I am awful at recognizing signs of anything, including a break up.

But that is one of my major problems, is communicating. I guess now that it is either get her back or let her go, I have nothing to lose, right? I will ask her why we really broke up. I will ask about how she wanted me to react. I will let her know how I really felt and why.

I don't have plans, but I will see her soon anyway. Exam season in high school... I will ask if she wants to study for our history exam together, and I will talk with her then. I don't think I will hug her, because she does have a boyfriend right now (this relationship about to end, according to her). I still don't think I should hug her, but I will let her know how I feel.

What should I say, or how should I bring it up? I don't just want to come out and say, "I still love you." I am too nervous to say that. That could be that problem I have with communication I have though. But how t bring it up?


And, I just realized how awful I am with communication. When we had 'the talk,' I didn't ask what I wanted to know. I didn't even let her know I still liked her. Now that I am at an 'everything or nothing' place with her, I will ask what I want, and let her know how I feel. What do I have to lose, right?

[Chery]

OK, let's not create a new thread each time we need to 'talk'. I'm including the link to the other thread on the same issue - so you need to decide which one you want to stay with. That way, we don't need to jump back and forth.

I know you are confused right now, so I hope this makes it easier.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/how-act-when-228312.html

I have two thoughts on this:

1. She really is concerned that this creep will kill himself and she's trying to make him break up with her. In that case, you can let her know that you'll support her and help if she needs it. Tell her you hope this turns out well for her but that she really is not responsible for him and his emotional instability and that she can advise him to seek professional help and not feel guilty towards him at all.

2. She is using him as an excuse to break with you. In that case, just be cool and enjoy your young life, find new friends, get a new girlfriend and be glad that you are rid of a person who needs one excuse after another to break with any guy - and not respect him enough to tell the truth.

As I said, two thoughts. And since you've only been together for two whole weeks, the pain of the break will not hurt as much and you will have learned a lesson. We all go through this at your age, many times in our lives, and we learn from each experience.

Welcome to the world of dating, learning and making mistakes - and living through it. You did not invest too much into this relationship, so it will not hurt too bad, but we will be here to listen to you when you need us and we'll help you any way we can.

Just stay with us and on one thread by just clicking 'answer this question' (orange box) in the upper left corner, to continue with your story as it goes along - and we will respond.

Good luck, and go out and have some fun to relieve the stress for now.

[jrsg]

That's a good idea, Chery. Sorry, I am just a little crazy and confused at the moment, I am not thinking straight.

So, I like your first suggestion, that I should let her know that I am there to support her. I have really already been supporting her through all this anyway. She uses me to rant to, and to ask for adivce, which I am happy to give. I really doubt she is using him as an excuse to dump me though. She usually tells the truth, and is brutally honest.

But, do I tell her I still love her? Do I have another 'talk' with her, but actually talk about all the issues this time?

And, you say this won't hurt much, since it only lasted two weeks. But let me tell you, its killing me right now. But, I don't have much expirience to compare to, so this is the worst I have felt about a break up before.

And please people, don't worry about me too much. I have had people tell me 'the worlds not over' and 'there are other fish in the sea' and things like that. Its like people think I am going to kill myself over a girl. I won't, so don't worry! I know I will probably go through tons of more relationships until I find 'the one'. It is hard now, but I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Thanks for the concern though. :)


But that question still remains:
Do I tell her I still love her? Do I have another 'talk' with her, but actually talk about all the issues this time? Should I ask if we can get back together after all this?

[Chery]

JR... if she expects every guy that goes out with her to be a 'jerk', she has a problem. And, I don't think that at your age and stage in life that you need to have a relationship with someone who carries baggage around with her.

Do you really want to act like a bully and command a girl around? Is that what all the girls around you expect? You might be infatuated with her, but it's way too early in your life to call it love. Love takes time to grow and be nurtured with care and communication, not within a two-week stormy period...

She's had more 'experience' (and in my opinion all bad) than you have with dating - if you want to call it that.. and in my heart, I don't believe you are the bully type.

You're right, you don't have anything to lose telling her how you feel, but can you really change your basic nature around just to please a girl who jumps from one guy to another and expects them to practically yell at her?? Maybe she does not know of any other way of being handled, but that's not being respectful at all. So, again, she's got baggage she needs to deal with before she 'spreads' the bully virus around to guys who want to get to know and respect girls instead of treating them like crap.

As I said in the other thread, this is a two week old 'relationship' - and you'd be better off saving yourself a lot of heartache with this one. Stay friends to study with if you want to, but I would find another girl with more self-respect.

Good luck dear, hope you understand what I mean.

[jrsg]

I know I don't love her yet. I haven't said "I love you" to her, it is waaay to early in a relationship to say, or I think feel that. I just use it in the thread to get my feelings across in the easiest way possible.

And I think I was right in how I reacted. She told me what happened, and I trust her. I trust that she did the right thing (backed away immediatly) and she would tell me anything that might happen in the future.

When I let her know that I still 'like' her, I will be sure to let her know my feelings about how I am 'supposed' to react.

And you're right, I am not the 'bully' type. I am the 'nice guy.' Maybe I am too trusting, because I have been screwed many times before. I just think every new girl deserves trust, and shouldn't have to worry about what the last g/f did wrong. I am the guy who wants to actually get to know a girl, and not just sleep with them.

I would rather have her as my girlfriend, but I will clear up a few things before I ask. I have heard many times to just 'move on.' I think that is a lot easier said than done. I know I like her now, so I want to be her boyfriend, and have her as my girlfriend.

So, I will talk to her.

Also, I am confident everything can be over after this talk. I am ready to accept that she may not want me back. I want her back, but after this talk, if I can't have her back, I can move on. I can at least then know that it is over for good. Then I can move on, and not always be thinking "can i get her back."

My plan (I've always got to have a plan)
-Tell her that I still like her
-Let her know how I really felt after the break up
-Let her know what I think is the reason she broke up with me
-Let her know that I think the way I reacted was right
-Ask if we could continue a relationship after the whole thing she is in now

So, do you think this is a good plan? And how do I initiate the talk?
Should I just tell her that "I want to talk about us." or what?

And thanks for the advice

[Chery]

If she can be brutally honest, so can you...

I would take her for a walk and start with: look, I'm not going to be the bully, that's not me, but I have a few things that I need to let you know... and then tell her how you feel and then ask her if she can deal with that. Plain and simple.

You did real good here and if you keep it in a neutral place when letting her know how you feel, you'll do just fine.

Take it slow, and let us know how it went.

[talaniman]

Then, she looked at me and yelled "THAT IS HOW A BOYFRIEND SHOULD REACT!"

You tell her in no uncertain terms if what she wants is a brute, then go back with the ex, and you leave her alone. The worst thing you can do is cave to her wishes to change into something that your not.

Stand up for yourself and be yourself, and if she doesn't like it, a more well adjusted female will. She will not respect you, if you don't respect yourself, and it's a waste of time to think she will appreciate you for who you are, as she hasn't yet.

[jrsg]

I will stand up for myself. Maybe that's what she was looking for. Not for me to kill anyone who tries to take her away from me, but to stand up for myself. I can be a push-over sometimes, and she has told me to 'speak up' a lot.
Not that women are property, but maybe she just wanted to see me stand up for what's mine.

That makes much more sense (to me) and seems like something she would do...
Does that make sense to any of you? That she wants me to stand up for myself?


Wow, I have just learned a great lesson here. THANK YOU EVERYBODY!

[jrsg]

If she can be brutally honest, so can you...

I would take her for a walk and start with: look, I'm not going to be the bully, that's not me, but I have a few things that I need to let you know... and then tell her how you feel and then ask her if she can deal with that. Plain and simple.

You did real good here and if you keep it in a neutral place when letting her know how you feel, you'll do just fine.

Take it slow, and let us know how it went.

Thanks,
I definitely need to confront her about that. But, I don't know how... I would like to do what you suggested, but I don't know that I can.

What I want to do is tell her how I feel, and ask to get back together. If she wants to get back together, than great. If she doesn't want to, I may need a little time of NC, until I get over her. I have my last exam next Wednesday, so that is when I will confront her about all this. That way, I am not forced to see her anytime soon (Except summer school in 2 weeks, :eek: ). But, at least I can have that two weeks to learn that I can live without her. I still want to be friends, but I think NC would be best for me, at least for a little while. I also have a week of vacation in New York in that two weeks, which I am sure will help me get over her if I have to.

Although, I am pretty sure she would accept if I ask.
She did go back to that ex, but long story short, her ex attempted suicide - said to go back or he will kill himself - she went back - he is getting counselling, mental help from professionals - she is going to break up with him for good now that he can handle it.
So, she says she will break up with him on Sunday, when she sees him next.

The reason I think she will accept my request to get back together is because she has asked to 'study' with me for the upcoming exams for the past two days. We have spent the last two days with each other. And, she wants to see me on Saturday, and study with me on Sunday. But we usually end up just talking, not studying. Anyway, I think she may like me again.

So, same plan (as in post #6), new date:

Confrontation Day: Wednesday, June 25th.
Wish me luck, and I will talk to you guys, let you know how it went on Thursday!

Also, any helpful suggestions or tips I would really appreciate. I never was good with confrontation, and I would like some tips and advice.

Thanks

[talaniman]

No way should you think of going along with such a cockamamee plan, as this is no way to handle a problem. Sorry but having only invested two weeks to find out things you need to know, is enough.

Sorry but this doesn't meet any test of love or logic, and maybe staying out of this is the better way to go.

[jrsg]

Well,
We're back together!

Her ex is now Completely out of the picture. He even left the church they attended together to avoid each other. Its too bad it had to end that way for them, but it had to happen.

Me and her are back together, and I am hoping for a much longer relationship than 2 weeks this time aroun, lol.

I am happy!

Thanks to all you guys for your help and advice, I couldn't have done it without you. And Chery, for keeping up with all my posts, lol. Thanks guys

[confused1145]

Laughing was probably not a good idea. You should tell her what it was that make you laugh.

[jrsg]

Laughing was probably not a good idea. You should tell her what it was that make you laugh.

She knows why I was in a sense, relieved about the situation.
We're back together now, and we know exactly what happened and why we broke up.
Post 11!

Yeah!

Thanks for the advice though

[jrsg]

Okay,
Well, we are back together now, which is great.
She is more affectionate than ever, and anytime she is around me and hugging, or in some wy touching me. I love it! But...
I constantly have a fear that she will break up with me. Is this normal? I'm trying to just enjoy the good times we have in the relationship, but that thought is always in the back of my head. I have analyzed the situation several times in my head, and she hasn't shown any signs of breaking up with me. Not to mention we haven't even been back together for 24hrs yet.

So, is it normal to have the feelings I have right now?
And is there a way to get rid of them?

Thanks for everything

[talaniman]

She dumped him and came right back to you? She is lavishing you with love, affection, and attention?? Have you talked yet?? How long since she dumped him and came back to you?? Due I have many questions, this is only the start.

[jrsg]

She went back to her ex. She did this because he said if she didn't, he would kill himself. She did, and she also got him help. He is now getting mental help, and support, so she dumped him for good.

That is the reason we broke up. Because of her crazy ex.

So, now that he is getting help, we can get back together.
We have always been like b/f /gf, just without the title (for the time that she 'dated' him). Now that we have the b/f g/f title again, she can show the affection she wants without feeling guilty or committed to this crazy ex.

Any other questions Talaniman? Please ask as many as you want so that you can give me the best advice possible. Ask away!

[Chery]

Dear jr.. I'm glad that my fears of her using him as an excuse to dump you were unfuonded.

It's also a plus for her that she talked him into getting mental health assistance. At least that shows caring on her part.

It is normal for you to feel fear of eventual loss... but please be realistic. Life has no guarantee whatsoever in that aspect for any of us. We have to trust, go with the flow and enjoy the time we spend together - quality time as well as the normal ups and downs that happen in everyday life. All you can expect is that she is as open with you as you are with her and you can talk about your fears with her - but don't make a habit of it or she will think your fears override other things you should be doing and thinking about.

All we can do is enjoy time spent together, respect each other and learn as much as we can about our partners and HOPE that the relationships lasts and grows. So, that means work on your part and her's. So, dear all I suggest is that you put your fear aside and work toward the good parts of life and relationship and hope for the best - that's all we humans can do.

Good luck dear and enjoy every day - more than that, none of us can expect.



Constant fear of the unknown creates stress and prevents you from moving and planning forward - so just relax and enjoy the time together.