[jamimama]

Couldn't have gone better, it seems. Good for you!

[ChrisStryfe]

How long since you broken up with her? Or she broken up with you?

[talaniman]

Great vent, and in a suit no less.

[jpm247]

Yep,

I was looking john dapper!

I know that my feelings for her won't go away for a long time, but I'm 100% determined to get through this and be a better person all round.

It still hurts a lot when the thought of being dumped gets into my head, but I'm trying to focus on the positives, and fill my time with the things I enjoy doing, without her in my life.

Its her loss!

[ihatewestseneca]

I had the same thoughts when I met with my ex... "she looked better when she was with me" seriously, not to sound shallow... but her boobs were smaller... lol.

[jpm247]

Hi all,

Just could do with a few opinions and advice on the following.

basically my housemates were out on Saturday night, in a bar and they saw my ex. My ex spoke to one of my housemates and said

'hows JPM, etc, my housemate said he's doing OK thanks. My ex then said ' I really love him, you know I really love him, but he won't talk to me. She went on to say that if JPM ever wants to see me or have a hug then let me know'.

I was a bit annoyed at this, mainly because she knows that we aren't going to be friends, as its my way of dealing with things, so I decided to send an email, just saying hi, hope your well, and sorry we won't be friends but that's just how I'm dealing with things etc, and that I still thought about her etc etc. nothing soppy or OTT just really to the point. I guess I sent it as it made me feel better for saying it. That was day 101 of NC by the way, so whilst I won't lie and say I feel nothing, I feel much less than I did, and much better.

any how I got the following reply and would like a bit of feedback guys if poss...

Hi there Darling J

Wow whhhhhhooooo an e mail from you - brills!!

That's right saw (y) in (x) and told her to give you a massive cuddle! Think that we will be going there a lot as the people I was with totally had a brills time and loved it!! I was totally over dressed for (x) as per usual, drank a lot but quite soba for a pissed person, not climbing in to any petrol capes of cars! - We had a wonderful life/ times!

I can't believe that IOW was one year ago you had that party n we all when to (p) n I had to work the next day, n no one else did! Did you go this year on you annual hols? I was thinking of volenteering but surprise surprise I didn't get organised in time - oh well there's always V!

I do still think about you loads J. Sometimes thinking that I would love to have you round n make out loads now that the brother is away/ out more and I can sort of close my bedroom door. And as much as I say to all my work colleges that I want every thing e mailed I do think that things some times get mis interperated between us. I believe in the universe like we talked about at PP! And am always missing you, think about you in the eves n the morn and talking about you. I am always wanting to text you this but guess that this is not the right thing to do but don't know what is right.

I like to be friends with others as a feel that you never know when you might need to call upon a person i.e my car braking down, I was fuming all I wanted was some water n had to call on my neighbour. I am of the mind set that if you love someone you will let them fly.

It feels that when a guy is scared of committing that is OK. I got scared of exposing my emotions and trusting some one and therefore making myself vulnerably and would get hurt. I felt and feel that I can not trust any one and so therefore have been chilling on my own over the past few months.

Well I have been pondering for the last hour on what to say in this last paragraph... so here goes

As you know I am still thinking of u, adore u, love you lots and would always love to see you (it was me who beeped down the rd the other day) and hear from you even go some where with you where we could chat and no one knows us and what has gone on over the past months!
My problem is heart, head sydrome. Don't hate women or tire them with the same brush as I expect you do me. Below is something that I found on the internet that I think might help you to understand me. I have also had my hair cut so this is a facture to think about as I know that you like long hair.

I love you lots and think of you/us loads and will always endever to keep in touch. I was so lucky to have gone to (place where we met)that eve.

Miss u/ usand the good times
Your (x) xxxxxx

any thoughts guys?

its been over 3 months since the last contact, and it was christmas when we split up. Most of my friends here say that I can find better, and all will be OK in end in the etc, as they know how confusing and up and down she was. Hell my mother even said she doesn't want her as a daughter in law (lol), but as ever the only one who can make the decision is me as to what I do with my life.

what are your thoughts, id greatly appreciate it.

JPM

[N0help4u]

Think of it this way. Your way of dealing with things is NC because you do not want her back.
Her way of dealing with things is letting it be known 'hey, let him know I want him back if there is a chance'. You don't want her back so you did not have to respond to that. You did by letting her know you do not want her back. She replies about her positive memories of you. Now you can either not reply or you can reply with something like 'that is all nice BUT now you have your life and I have mine'.

[starlite1]

Hi JPM,

In reading what your ex wrote, I really think it is her way of feeling you out, and what your thoughts are for her. I have wrote letters like this in my past, and the point of those was to (in a round about way) let him know that I do love him, miss him, and that I really want to work things out. (Funny, I still want that, perhaps I should write I letter ;-) ) But, I have to ask you JPM, how do you really feel about her? Do you want her back? And most important: what do you NEED for yourself? Can she either now or down the road, give you what you need? Sweetie, really look deep inside of yourself, write things down, and really see if you want her back. If the answer is yes, then you both need to take things slowly, and you must lay out what you need, and what she needs, and both come to a compromise. Also, you both need to really communicate (not that you don't), but that is essential in any relationship. Also, if she has issues, she needs to work on those, and you can point out to her that you are aware that she does 'this, or that' and that she should really address these things. (very supportive).

But, if you really know and feel that you don't want to pursue the relationship anymore, then I think it is best for you to end all communication with her at this time.

You deserve to be happy JPM, and we all would love for you to be. What ever you decide, we are right here for you!

[jpm247]

Thanks for the above guys, and cheers Star

Thing is I don't really think she does want to get back together. She's said before that she misses me etc, but always thought we wouldn't get married, so continuing in a relationship was pointless, even though we were very good together.

I don't think she is feeling me out, just stating that still thinks of me etc. maybe she is.shes always wrote confusing things, and part of me knows that I should just walk away, maintain no contact and keep going to the future. But I can't deny a part of me would like to see her, and see what occurs.

I basically replied to her email saying that if she wanted to meet up sometime soon and see what occurs with us two hanging out then I would be fine with that. She knows I won't be her friend, its either all or nothing. Ill see what she replies with, but I would imagine that it would be that she still misses me, but doesn't want us to get back. Ill see. I guess I've put out an olive branch and ill see if she wants to take it. I know I cannot live in the past. Sometimes I think she is 26 going on 17 in what she says.

Any more insights would be great.

[starlite1]

Hi JPM,

I will admit, we women can be confusing at times ;) . I think that was a good idea on how you handled it; you let her know that if she wants you guys can get together and take it from there. I understand what you are saying as well with you wanting 'all or nothing'. That makes total sense. Now, at this stage of the game, you go out and have fun with your friends, family, and you. The ball is now in her court, and we shall see what she does with it.

You are doing great, JPM! :D

[JBeaucaire]

Well, the NC is over. That clock ended with your email. As far as she's concerned the door is open, so you just need to decide if it is or not.

Think of this like a job interview. You interviewed her and decided she wasn't qualified to fill the job you were offering. Does that mean she doesn't still want the job? Or would like to reinterview? Or would take the job even on a trial basis if you offered? Of course she would!

But you, as the employer, have to make mature choices about whom you hire and whether they are capable of doing the work. How you FEEL about them is almost irrelevant, it's simply a question of qualifications.

Ok, enough of that metaphor. You get the idea.

The choice is yours now. Reinterview her if you wish, but you could be seriously wasting her time and yours and have to start over on the NC thing at some point. Decide if you even need the extra pressure of hanging out with someone you KNOW has ulterior motives on you.

[talaniman]

As I remember I told you to get your own act together and enjoy yourself, while she works on her own issues, and it seems that's what you've done.

The good news, is there is nothing for you to do, but observe what she does as she dumped you, so the ball is in her court to clarify her position, and get YOU back, so you just relax and be very honest with yoursekf, first and foremost, and be honest with her.

[Chery]

All good advice here dear.

The only thing I can add is that if you do get back together.. can your mother and friends accept your decision without interfering? After all, it's your life, as you said, and you are the one who needs to feel happy and secure.

Any relationship has it's ups and downs and in my opinion - there should not be too many boring minutes in it. So, now that the door is open again - both of you need to 'enter at your own risk'.

Good luck dear, and keep us posted.
.

[jpm247]

Hi Guys,

I just wanted a bit of advice, though I probably no what it will be! On my situation over the last few weeks.

Its been 2 weeks since I contacted my ex, and we have been in sporadic contact since then, with me being the one who will send the first text every few days. Last Thursday, my ex met me at the airport after I came back from a business flight. She new I was in the air that day, but didn't know what time I was coming back etc, so it was a nice surprise to have her meet me there. We then went for a drink in a local pub, and had a bit of a kiss and a cuddle and some fun light conversation.

I dropped her back at her apartment, with no real plans to see her again, just that it would be good to meet up again and spend some more time together, and she said she would be in touch.

I guess I have a bit of an issue with things just left hanging, as I kind of like to know when we would meet up again, without not knowing if she would contact me.

So when I was out on Saturday night I sent her a photo of the place we first met as I was in that bar. She replied with ' what a great place, and I have set aside a weekend for us to spend together'.

She didn't say when at all. I sent her a text back at 11.30pm saying great, and are you around this evening, as I am in x bar, and it would be great to meet up.

she then replied that she was in bristol for the weekend, and that she wasn't a booty call that I could just call when I was drunk and horny.

I then replied with, you know I'm not like that, and that you mean much more to me than that. I then said, I was around the next evening and then this Wednesday if she wanted to hang out.

I didn't get a reply.

I then sent her a text last night, saying how was bristol, and that I'm looking forward to hanging out with her again soon.

again no reply.

Now I know I'm my own worst enemy by contacting her, but its mainly because I don't like being left hanging, and waiting for 3 or 4 days to receive a text to say do you want to do something.

I know I should probably take a chill, and just let it pass me by, and if she contacts me she does. I just find it pretty rude that she doesn't even reply to those texts, as if it were the other way round I would have replied.

I am tempted to just walk away from it all, as she has the capacity to make me feel so happy, and then to make me feel so unhappy.

Tal, your signature is something I constantly remind myself of, about being an option in their life, but me making her a priority in mine.

Any advice guys, as I do really want to be with this girl, just don't want to play games, as they don't help me.

[JBeaucaire]

She should not be treated like an ex you're rekindling with. It didn't work out last time, right? Don't "pick up where you left off" because you'll end up where you ended up, OK?

You're right, you SHOULD just move on. Failing that, you need to at least be moving on while you occasionally reach out to her, as well. You go clubbing, right? Make sure you're open to new contacts while there, and don't talk about the "ex", OK?

If you are actually moving on with your life, an occasionaly call to her is fine and eliminates the booty call issue. You need to be on a date next time she contact YOU so as to remove from her mind the idea that she has prioirity spot in your mind. Her meeting at the airport was sweet, the cuddling and stuff after was her making sure you were firmly on the hook before she left.

In short, don't be that easily manipulated. Relax, don't defend against rude little insults like the "booty call" comment. At best, I'd reply to that with "that was uncalled for, try to be a little more mature, ok?" At least now SHE's on defense and not you.
============
And between me and you, I know you didn't ask, but rethink the use of text for primary conversation. Call her and leave a voice message at least so she can HEAR your sweet and multi-talented voice. So much more info comes through in tone and demeaner, text messages are flat, flat, flat. Talk to her, or at least her voice mail.

Personally, I think ignoring voice mails or people is rude. Ignoring text somehow feels less rude. I don't think it's rude at all, but I know I'm in the minority. I promise if you tell someone ONCE you don't find texts as important as voice messages, you'll get more voice messages. I'm just saying.

[jpm247]

Thought id update everyone on my situation with my ex.

Basically we have been hanging out together for a couple of weeks which has been really nice, and great, as we have always been very good together. Guess I've always had the fact that she wasn't sure about us when she ended things at christmas, and I had an inkling it may off gone that way again, but was kind off hoping that it wouldn't off course.

Anyhow, yesterday, we had a chat about things, and I could sense that she had something on her mind. So we talked a few things through, and she does still have an issue with letting somebody in, as she doesn't want to get hurt again, and also I guess the main thing is that she doesn't see us getting married, and has a niggle that we won't last.

I basically said, that I want someone who wants to be with me, and I certainly wouldn't force anyone to be with me. And if you have a niggle about us that doesn't seem to be going away, then I can see that you want to end things. It was obviously pretty hard for her to do this again, but there's no point in us being together if she is up and down all the time with not knowing what she wants, as I'm likely to get hurt again, many times.

I love this girl so much, but if someone doesn't want to be with you, there's not much you can do I guess. She loves spending time with me, and being with me, and everything else in a relationship, but she's got a couple of issues with us which don't seem to have gone.

I feel really sad about this again, but I wouldn't have put myself out there again if I didn't think we had a shot at something great.

So we've parted company again and for the last time, I'm unhappy, but no way as bad as I was at xmas, which was the worst time of my life. Guess I am just feeling the loss aspect again of something and someone special that I loved so much.

Fingers crossed for a bright future!

Any comments would be great

Cheers guys

JPM

[talaniman]

Finally you can heal and get some better things going in your life.

[Romefalls19]

I agree with Tal, you now have complete closure on this chapter. Time to start a new one, good luck!

[jpm247]

Very true Tal and Rome, thanks.

Had to pick up some things from her yesterday, so we had a chat for a bit. I know that she does really have strong feelings for me, but there are just so many issues in her head, including almost refusing to let anyone in for fear of being hurt again. So I just basically said to her that if you do know what you want, and that is being with me, then contact me, and ill listen to what you have to say. We shall see what occurs in the future, but for now, I will go back to NC, and build my life without her in it and get on with having fun and meeting new people

. I have a new job starting in 2 months, so that should help channel my focus a fair bit.

Thanks for all your help since xmas on this subject. Your all stars!

JPM