[Cat1864]

If you don't trust her, you don't trust her. Stop trying to rationalize what she did and who she did it with. You are only adding to your own insecurities and confusion.

Quite frankly, I think she may be a lot more invested in this relationship than she wants to believe or let you see. You say that she doesn't know all about your past relationships, but I think she has gleaned enough to know that she would probably be history if she was anywhere close to what you consider 'moral' for a female in your culture.

You want to be different from the others. I would bet that she wants to be different from your exes.

I did the math according to the ages and numbers you have given. You say that you became sexually active at age 21. You are now 22. I'll be generous and give you the full 24 months. 24 minus the 5 months you have been with this woman is 19 months. You have had sexual relationships with 4 women and heavy petting with another for a total of five which means that your relationships have lasted less than four months each with no time for healing and moving on between them. You say that you have only had sex with women you had an emotional connection to. Do you still have feelings for those women? If not, then how much can she trust that you will still feel the same way about her next week. By your own track record, she should be history along with the others. I think she is still in your picture because you are getting something out of her telling you about her past exploits. I think there is something in her current behavior that appeals to you whether it is the challenge, the wanting to save her, etc.

You can't change her. She can't change you. You can sit down and discuss boundaries such as how you should behave with other women who might 'throw' themselves at you and when she should accept and respond to texts/calls. If you can't communicate with each other and there isn't any trust, then both of you should move on.

[Pboy87]

The trust is there.and I love her for who she is now. But what she did in her past.. is weird. I wanted to see a life with her ahead. But the thought that she has got drunk and given head to so many.. makes me change my mind. That's why I'm confused.

[kaka67]

Reality Check Warning:

What's confusing?

She's been putting guys ****s in her mouth.
She likes it, you don't.

It doesn't matter how many ways you rationalise this so everything is OK to your soul (i.e. the guys took advantage of her) the facts are you two are not compatible (different morals).

Move on. Before this eats you up inside and you take her previous behaviour out on her at every chance you get, making her feel like crap.

[Homegirl 50]

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to kaka67 again.

the trust is there.and i love her for who she is now. but what she did in her past ..is weird. i wanted to see a life with her ahead. but the thought that she has got drunk and given head to so many.. makes me change my mind. that's why im confused.

What are you confused about? You don't like the way she has conducted her life in the past and it is a recent past.
You two are not a match. Move on. Time to get off the Merry Go Round. It's going nowhere

[Pboy87]

Today we kind of fought. And just to get back at me.. she went and started chatting and meeting up that one night stand of hers.. she said she had cut off contact from him.. but now because we fought.. she is back to him... just to get back at me.. I don't think I can take it anymore..

[CarrotTalker]

Today we kinda fought. and just to get back at me.. she went and started chatting and meeting up that one night stand of hers.. she said she had cut off contact from him.. but now because we fought .. she is back to him...just to get back at me.. i dont think i can take it anymore..

Sounds like she has deep-rooted issues that have nothing to do with you.

[Pboy87]

What do you mean??
She does go visit a pyschologist and stuff because of some childhood thing( she wasn't molested, but some other thing that she hadn't shared wth me.)
I don't know if I should take her or not..

[Cat1864]

What did you 'kinda' fight about?

Is she trying to 'get back at you' or trying to show you that she is independent?

Either way, it sounds like the two of you need to work on your communication skills or leave each other alone.

[Homegirl 50]

Sounds t me like she is who she is and is not going to change. This is what it is going to be like, and it's only been 5 months.
Is this what you want?
She knows what angers you and so she knows how to get back at you.
This is really messed up and you're only 5 months in to this.

[Pboy87]

Yeah.she knows how to get back.every time we fought,she knew how to get me below the belt..
She doesn't care what society thinks of her actions. Isn't bothered.. but at the same time.. she wants a societal tag with me.. like girlfriend. Contradiction.

[Homegirl 50]

yeah.she knows how to get back.every time we fought,she knew how to get me below the belt..
she doesnt care what society thinks of her actions. isnt bothered..but at the same time.. she wants a societal tag with me..like girlfriend. contradiction.

Sounds like she is using you.
I don't understand why this is still an issue. You know what she is about and it bothers you, yet you just keep going back for more. Surely you are not that desperate. Desperation is not attractive.

[talaniman]

I think you have to honestly ask yourself if you can handle the drama this female is putting you through. If this LDR is so complicated after 5 months, which is way too soon in my book, for it to be, then maybe its time to back up, and see things with more clarity, and leave all the feelings aside for a bit.I think you are allowing your feelings (lust is more like it) to confuse you even more than this female is. While I understand it, given your age, you are taking this whole experience much to seriously, and its clogging your brain like a toilet that's backed up. Flush it all down and take a week to see if you can think beyond the little head, and see what YOU are doing to yourself, because she really has no control whatsoever over you, UNLESS you allow her too. Before you protest and get confused, stop and reread your post, and you will see as we do, its all about how you have trouble coping with the way she makes you feel about YOURSELF, and your inability to understand and control your own feelings.

HINT: its never about the other person, its always about you, and how you deal with yourself in all, and ANY situation!!

HINT: its called growing pains, the process of learning about yourself, and COPING WITH YOURSELF!!

[Pboy87]

Hey thanks...
We are now just friends.. have put the feelings behind us.. till I'm a lot sure that this isn't just lust.. she is very sure she loves me.. but then again.. she can't let go of her past guys and one night friends..
We put all feelings behind and decided to be friends.. at least till we get over it maturely.. I mean life feels a lot nicer now.. that I don't have to deal with any issues.. and can just think if I really like her and want her and if we were just used to each other or more.. we still speak on the phone regularly.. she still calls daily.. every morning and night.. and we talk for hours.. though not like lovers anymore.. just on a friendly gossip level..
One question I wanted to ask.. Am I really taking this past issue out of hand? Am I the one giving it importance? Or would anyone else also feel weird if their girl had one night stands with their best friends in the past and still stayed best friends till date?

[Homegirl 50]

As a woman it would bother me if a guy I was dating had that history and still hooked up with those women, if he had the tendency to use it against me if we had a disagreement.
I would just leave him alone.
I hope you are not going to not date other people, sit around waiting for her.

[talaniman]

One question I wanted to ask.. Am I really taking this past issue out of hand? Am I the one giving it importance? Or would anyone else also feel weird if their girl had one night stands with their best friends in the past and still stayed best friends till date?

I think this is all you, as most guys that are confident, and secure within themselves, wouldn't be tripping about the life of their partners, past or present, they would just deal with it in the best manner for themselves. Which is what you are doing. I think your feelings are warning you to slow down, and pay better attention before falling too deep, to fast. That's called instincts, and obviously yours are working. Paying attention is all about being honest with yourself, and alert to what's around you. Only you know what you can handle, and what you can't, so listen to yourself, to protect yourself.

[Pboy87]

We spoke yesterday about why things were falling apart between me and her.. and it all led to that one guy.. I mean.. she says she was depressed and tried to drink and smoke her way out of depression.. but apparently ended up with that guy.. he just came to pick his beer from the fridge from the middle of the party, happened to see her cry.. hugged her and she started making outwith him.. so he took her to the room.. ( talk about luck and timing.. - yeah I am jealous of it.. because this doesn't happen even rarely.. )
She feels equations can't be changed after one night. People can't be judged after one night.. They were friends for 4 years before that.. the guy asked if they should start dating, the next morning,but she refused.. apparently because she didn't want to lose the friend.. as she thought that if she started dating, they would have differences and fall apart.. and she didn't want to lose this friend.. she also told me, that she was deeply emotionally attached to him as a friend.. and was emotionally dependent on him.. as they have always been the only ones there for each other in their bad times..
She met the guy recently and he realised that she was cutting contact with him and asked her if it was because I didn't like them meet. She didn't reply.. but she says he realised and started slowly backing off.. But when we fought.. she was the one who contacted him again.. and then both got back to where they were.. and that's when I couldn't take it anymore and had to breakup..
The one very big issue I had and still will have wasn't what she did.. it was her life.. her wish.. but I wished that I would be the emotional support for the girl I am with.. and not other people.. She says she is emotionally dependent on me as well.. that's why even after we have broken up she still wants to talk everyday, etc etc..
But it just makes me wonder.. we are very good friends.. we like each others company.. we are emotionally attached and dependent on each other.. its just that she has sex with Me these days and had it with that guy then.. what is the difference between me and that guy in her life.? She shares the same stuff with both of us.. Its not that I have a problem with a guy being her best friend.. Its just that after finding out what they did, it makes me sick.. that she still holds on to him..
She didn't care of what society thought about her when she continued holding onto that guys friendship even after what happened.. but now she wants me to give her a societal tag of more than just a dating couple as she feels like a 'keep' to me? Wow.. people know we love each other and won't think that way.. . and she says this.. whereas -im sorry to say- but people could have thought that about her when she stuck to her friend , without love, without any emotion, just drunk and doing it.. but then she didn't care..

[Homegirl 50]

Why do you bother with this girl. She has problems. She is seriously hung up in a weird kind of way with this other guy.
This relationship was just full of drama. Leave it alone.

[Pboy87]

Yeahhh.. Loads of drama.. well.. we are just friends now... and the problems are a lot lesser.. by the way,is it common for people to stay so close and emotionally dependent on friends even after one night stands and an uncomfortable boyfriend?

[Homegirl 50]

I think being so emotionally dependent on anybody is unhealthy. You add alcohol and depression to the mix and then another boy friend, it's kind of funky.
So are you going to be the friend with benefits?

[Pboy87]

No I don't think I would want to be a friend with benefits. We still love each other, just the societal tag is off.. ( for now atleast).. and when we last met she didn't feel like kissing me either. So guess we are just friends now..