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Anonymous925 · Apr 6, 2009, 10:38 PM

It's not a healthy relationship. He really needs to see that what he is doing is wrong and it's unacceptable and he has to stop... You should tell him that it needs to stop or else the relationship is over, and then you have to follow through with that. If you don't, it will continue to get worse and you may not be so lucky next time. Good luck with everything <3

starbuck8 · Apr 6, 2009, 10:53 PM

Originally Posted by Anonymous925

It's not a healthy relationship. He really needs to see that what he is doing is wrong and it's unacceptable and he has to stop... You should tell him that it needs to stop or else the relationship is over, and then you have to follow through with that. If you don't, it will continue to get worse and you may not be so lucky next time. Good luck with everything <3

No talking! There is NO ROOM for talk here! Telling him to stop is NOT going to get him to stop. Are you suggesting she should stick around and wait to see if he is going to stop, just because she told him too?. because he won't! He will not stop, and he WILL do it again! You don't ASK an abuser to stop, you LEAVE! It also isn't a question of "may not" being so lucky... it's a guarantee!

JudyKayTee · Apr 7, 2009, 04:58 AM

Originally Posted by Anonymous925

It's not a healthy relationship. He really needs to see that what he is doing is wrong and it's unacceptable and he has to stop... You should tell him that it needs to stop or else the relationship is over, and then you have to follow through with that. If you don't, it will continue to get worse and you may not be so lucky next time. Good luck with everything <3

Did you read the thread before you responded?

LovesAnimals · Apr 15, 2009, 11:13 AM

Hi everyone... I haven't forgotten to keep you updated but there isn't much that's changed in my life right now.

I couldn't see the one counselor I was seeing because it was through work and I only had 6 sessions with her. So, I made an appointment with the guy I was seeing before that. He said that he didn't think he could really help me that much and what I needed to do was attend group sessions for ADV. He didn't refuse to see me any more but didn't know how he could help. He could talk until he's blue in the face but if I don't take his advise... well...

It's been two weeks and I haven't went to a group but I still plan to. I moved this weekend and geesh... I hate moving. And yes... he moved with me :( I couldn't have done it on my own and I wasn't ready. We've actually been getting along pretty good but I think it's because we have had a focus... the move. I know there are still problems and they are all mine :( I'm not blaming myself, but they are my issues and well justified ones! I still don't feel any desire for intimacy with my husband and don't think it will ever be there. I'm back to feeling very confused.

Now he tells me that if they put a restraining order on him, then he will still live at the new place because they really won't know he's there. I expressed that I felt I would be at risk for getting into trouble but... he says he doesn't know how saying he'd be the one in trouble... His first court appearance is coming up next week and then we'll find out about the restraining order and also how things are going to go...

I've been off work (both jobs) so I'm trying to get back into things right now... aargh... So I'm ignoring all the major stuff and worrying about the little stuff. Not a good way to be but it's self preservation mode and that's what helps me I guess..

Well, that's my crappy update and I'm sorry to disappoint with no action but one step at a time... although I feel myself starting to cave and slip...

starbuck8 · Apr 15, 2009, 11:45 AM

Your counselor is right. He can't help you if you're just going through the motions. You are in so much denial that you just can't see what is happening, and what WILL HAPPEN if you stay with him! It's ONLY a matter of time, and you WON'T even see it coming! Trust me, YOU WON'T!! Do you have a death wish?

He is 100% WRONG about the restraining order! It works BOTH ways! You can go to jail for violating the restraining order, just the same as him!! Is he worth going to jail for? You are in so much danger continuing to stay with him, and for what? For a man that beats you, lies to you, is likely going to jail, and will take that out on you! You aren't going to be feeling so well when you are either sitting in a jail cell, a hospital bed, or maybe a morgue!! If you think that is far fetched?. it's NOT!! You are also isolating yourself from the world. You're not even working anymore, which means that you have to reley on him for money right? That is what he wants! You are playing right into his hands, and he KNOWS IT!! PROTECT YOURSELF, OR YOU MAY NOT LIVE TO REGRET IT!!

Justwantfair · Apr 15, 2009, 12:00 PM

Originally Posted by LovesAnimals

Hi everyone....I haven't forgotten to keep you updated but there isn't much that's changed in my life right now.

I couldn't see the one counselor I was seeing because it was through work and I only had 6 sessions with her. So, I made an appointment with the guy I was seeing before that. He said that he didn't think he could really help me that much and what I needed to do was attend group sessions for ADV. He didn't refuse to see me any more but didn't know how he could help. He could talk until he's blue in the face but if I don't take his advise...well...

It's been two weeks and I haven't went to a group but I still plan to. I moved this weekend and geesh....I hate moving. And yes...he moved with me :( I couldn't have done it on my own and I wasn't ready. We've actually been getting along pretty good but I think it's because we have had a focus...the move. I know there are still problems and they are all mine :( I'm not blaming myself, but they are my issues and well justified ones! I still don't feel any desire for intimacy with my husband and don't think it will ever be there. I'm back to feeling very confused.

Now he tells me that if they put a restraining order on him, then he will still live at the new place because they really won't know he's there. I expressed that I felt I would be at risk for getting into trouble but....he says he doesn't know how saying he'd be the one in trouble... His first court appearance is coming up next week and then we'll find out about the restraining order and also how things are going to go...

I've been off work (both jobs) so I'm trying to get back into things right now...aargh... So I'm ignoring all the major stuff and worrying about the little stuff. Not a good way to be but it's self preservation mode and that's what helps me I guess..

Well, that's my crappy update and I'm sorry to disappoint with no action but one step at a time....although I feel myself starting to cave and slip...

I reread this three times looking for the one step forward. All I see are steps backwards.

shazamataz · Apr 15, 2009, 12:01 PM

Originally Posted by starbuck8

No talking! There is NO ROOM for talk here! Telling him to stop is NOT going to get him to stop. Are you suggesting she should stick around and wait to see if he is going to stop, just because she told him too?...because he won't! He will not stop, and he WILL do it again! You don't ASK an abuser to stop, you LEAVE!! It also isn't a question of "may not" being so lucky...it's a guarantee!

I know that is the right thing to do but my experience was the polar opposite.

My partner abused me a little when we first started going out when he was really angry. He shoved me and threw things in my direction.
It happened probably 3 times and I told him how much it scared me and said that if it ever happened again I would leave him.
3 years on and he has never laid a hand on me since.

Justwantfair · Apr 15, 2009, 12:03 PM

Originally Posted by shazamataz

I know that is the right thing to do but my experience was the polar opposite.

My partner abused me a little when we first started going out when he was really angry. He shoved me and threw things in my direction.
It happened probably 3 times and I told him how much it scared me and said that if it ever happened again I would leave him.
3 years on and he has never laid a hand on me since.

You have to read the whole post, she doesn't need hope for an unabusive future. She is with a man who will kill her and almost has. She is just waiting for the next explosion, hoping that it isn't the last explosion.

starbuck8 · Apr 15, 2009, 12:05 PM

Originally Posted by shazamataz

I know that is the right thing to do but my experience was the polar opposite.

My partner abused me a little when we first started going out when he was really angry. He shoved me and threw things in my direction.
It happened probably 3 times and I told him how much it scared me and said that if it ever happened again I would leave him.
3 years on and he has never laid a hand on me since.

Well then you are one of the lucky ones. Please don't encourage her Shaz, or make her think her situation will end up like yours, because there is a very slim chance that it will. Shoving and throwing things, although not right, is a lot different than what is going on in this situation at all! This situation is dangerous.

DoulaLC · Apr 15, 2009, 12:05 PM

You are stuck and only you can change that. You just don't want to push yourself to take the last step. No one can help you with it, it has to come from you.

Stop listening to him... of course he is going to say what he thinks will allow him to stay and keep you in the relationship... after all, it has worked so far hasn't it? End it... kick him out... move out yourself... see yourself with a new life that is free from fear, heartache, and pain.

There is no more advice anyone can give you that you haven't already heard... you are simply choosing not to go through with it.

Perhaps it will take one or two more hits, chokings, or threats of harm before it sinks in enough... how many will you need before you decide you are worth so much more and deserve better? Women die every single day at the hands of a "loved" one. I just hope it won't be too late for you... that you will be one of the lucky ones that gets away.

I wish you well... I truly do.

shazamataz · Apr 15, 2009, 12:12 PM

Originally Posted by starbuck8

Well then you are one of the lucky ones. Please don't encourage her Shaz, or make her think her situation will end up like yours, because there is a very slim chance that it will. Shoving and throwing things, although not right, is alot different than what is going on in this situation at all!! This situation is dangerous.

Yes it is dangerous but I'll stay out of this one :)

Synnen · Apr 15, 2009, 12:40 PM

Honey--

Get out before he rapes you and you get pregnant from it---and then you'll REALLY be stuck.

Moving was to be your BREAK with him, your place that he didn't know about.

You've taken several steps backwards here, and none forward.

artlady · Apr 15, 2009, 12:42 PM

I have followed your thread here and its like reading my diary from 20 yrs.ago.

Legally,at least in N.Y. if you have an order of protection against someone and you *allow* them to live with you,you are in contempt of that order.Also,it nullifies the order.You could be in legal trouble for it.

Letting him live there is not only dangerous for you emotionally and physically,it is also legally negating the order.

I read your post and I see things like*it was actually pretty good this week-end*.
You are living for those rare moments when life seems normal and all is good.
In the back of your mind ,you are just waiting for the other shoe to drop.Because you know it will,the only question is when!

I nearly lost my life and I was hospitalized too many times but I went back. He was a drunk.When he was sober,nicest guy ever,drunk a total a_ole.The problem was I lived for the sober moments.Just like you are living for the rare little bones he throws you to keep you under his thumb.

You need to wake up and understand your life is going to remain this way until you get him out of it.For good.No more chances ,just accept that it has to end.

Look at what it is the you are so afraid of and face that fear.Clearly,you are a survivor.Take that strength that you have and use it to have a life of quality.That you deserve!

I know when you get beaten down ,you feel like a piece of crap worthy of nothing but that is not the case.You are a human being and you must honor yourself.

Get to a woman's shelter and talk to the people there and make the move to have a life! My dear,you are so lost you need the help of trained people to help you find yourself.Go to a battered woman's shelter.Embrace the wisdom of their knowledge and use the tools they will give you to lead an independent life that is rewarding and what you deserve.

starbuck8 · Apr 15, 2009, 12:59 PM

Originally Posted by shazamataz

Yes it is dangerous but I'll stay out of this one :)

Shaz, go read pages five and six, and look at now. LovesAnimals, I suggest you do this also.

JudyKayTee · Apr 15, 2009, 02:28 PM

Originally Posted by shazamataz

I know that is the right thing to do but my experience was the polar opposite.

My partner abused me a little when we first started going out when he was really angry. He shoved me and threw things in my direction.
It happened probably 3 times and I told him how much it scared me and said that if it ever happened again I would leave him.
3 years on and he has never laid a hand on me since.

Wow - got to disagree. He abused you "a little"? What does that mean? And you say he was angry at the time, as if that's an excuse. He shoved you and threw things "in your direction"?

And if it ever happened AGAIN you would leave him.

Maybe it's me but I would have been gone the first time.

I am not specifically addressing you but I never understand that a woman's self esteem is so low that she ALLOWS this to happen. Maybe I've seen too much of it when I'm working. I don't know. I do know that a lot of men start on their wife/partner and then move on to the kids.

Once the "a little" language creeps in, minimizing the behavior, I get concerned.

liz28 · Apr 15, 2009, 03:08 PM

LoveAnimals, I think your listening to everyone advice but not following it. Your counselor even pick up on that. It's going in one ear and out the other. I don't know what it will take for you to listen but I hope you do before it's too late.

I don't know what you meant when you wrote this in your update "Now he tells me that if they put a restraining order on him, then he will still live at the new place because they really won't know he's there. I expressed that I felt I would be at risk for getting into trouble but." Are you letting your abuser move in with you in your new place? If so, doesn't that beats the purpose of moving?

It sadden me to see your not strong enough to leave the situation but rather stay for whatever reasons you have. Don't be afraid to leave be more afraid of staying.

You should've been to a DV shelter a long time ago and they have everything you need there.

In the end people can tell you want you need to do but it is up to you realize it-and you still haven't yet. Hopefully you do before it's too late.

talaniman · Apr 15, 2009, 03:54 PM

You need help, and its not from him. He is just covering his own a$$ until his court date, and then I'm afraid it will be a different story. Please listen to the people here who really care, and are afraid for you.

Abusers are notorious for behaving well, when faced with a loss of their freedom.

LovesAnimals · Apr 23, 2009, 09:40 AM

Liz28 you are abosolutely right... as well as everyone else! I am listening to everyone's advise, just not following it :(

I don't know what's wrong with me?? I can't see the one counselor any more and the other one said he really can't help me if I'm not going to take action on what he suggests. He didn't say it that blunt but I know that's what he meant. He said he's always there for me if I need to make an appointment though...

My husband had court and now is awaiting the meeting with his lawyer and DA that go before the preliminary trial.

When I went to the Dr. I don't know if I mentioned that they tricked me to come back and then had a sheriff waiting for me and I made a statement and pictures were taken. I was so upset and scared at this point I just blurted out anything and everything! Told them about both incidents and that he was monitoring my calls and just everything but I didn't tell my husband about the Sheriff (at least me talking to him). Apparently they taped what I said without my knowledge! Also I didn't sign any statements but I guess that doesn't matter.

My husband was so angry with me and his lawyer even told him not to tell me any of this stuff thinking I was working with the cops... which I'm not.

I'm safe and my husband said he is mad and sad over everything. He send me a message that he's sorry for blowing up with me after he found out. He also said that he loves me and was going to turn over a new leaf and change to make things better. Then he says he forgives me and hopes I can do the same... He said he forgives me because I was upset and apologized to him for not telling him the whole truth about what happened at the Dr. and that I really never meant for him to go through this or go to prison...

All I ever wanted was to be treated with respect and to love and enjoy life... with him... But why am I kidding myself right? That will never happen. How can I forgive and forget what's happened... I never will truly. I didn't do anything wrong really except lie to him about talking to the sheriff. I didn't what anyone scared and confused would do... I was protecting myself. I thought he would kill me... I trusted before that he'd never lay a hand on me no matter how mad he got and he proved that wrong so how can I trust anything?

My life is such a mess and I'm the only one that can fix it although I just don't have the strength. I know I'm pathetic and weak and I hate myself for that... and that I just don't understand. I have to let him go... but my heart hurts thinking that... I'm not happy with him and not happy without him...

HistorianChick · Apr 23, 2009, 09:43 AM

I'm not happy with him and not happy without him...

Unfortunately, this is not the case. You're not happy with yourself.

Until you come to the realization that you MUST protect yourself and your safety, you will not be happy.

When you realize that above all else, your safety comes first, you will be happy with yourself, and therefore, happy without him.

This man is toxic. You know it. Until you take action to rid yourself of him, you will not be happy.

I wish I could help you more...

talaniman · Apr 23, 2009, 09:55 AM

Don't beat yourself up because even though your feelings are sad and hurt now, as you heal, you will see that actually it's a good thing things have worked out the way they did, so you can have a chance to move ahead with your life and get healthy, as you get back to loving yourself and making yourself happy with who you are. It will take some time for all that to come about.