[talaniman]

Maybe some background into the marital relationship, would yield some clues, as to what going on, loulou, what do you think? Feel like sharing that info with us?

[loulou1978]

Maybe some background into the marital relationship, would yield some clues, as to what going on, loulou, what do you think?? Feel like sharing that info with us?

What would you like to know? Ive been with my hubby for nearly 10 yrs and married for 4 yrs in Sept. We have no kids and are both 31. He has a very good job in building surveying and I'm currentlylooking for employment haing been made redundant.

We had a happy marriage until I met this guy approx 2 yrs ago, we were going through a bit of a rough patch and split up hence my starting a relationship with this guy. At the time friends that knew the ex told me too be careful as he tends to "attach" himself to new people that start at work. I didn't really understand what that meant at 1st but now have an idea. He pays the ladies a lot of attention when they first start, one of my friends who was married was very uncomfortable that he asked her out for a beer after work knowing she was married, now maybe I'm wrong and he was just being friendly? But she decided to go with the guy for a beer but ask her hubby to join them.

I don't think this guy has a lot of friends, he has loads of Facebook (but to me there no real friends) as he probably as never met many of them. I don't think this guy has ever had a serious relationship, the longest he has been with someone is 5 months but that was long ditance and only saw her 3 times. He was with me for approx a month and that's the longest he has been in a relationship, he tends to get cold feet and jump ship.

Im feeling OK today, I didn't sleep with phone under pillow for the 1st time in ages waiting for him to text, (hubby sleeps in other room as he snores by the way, not because I don't want to sleep with him). My mindset is now that after all he knows how much pain I'm in and the hurt that he has caused me (which I've told him) and he still don't reply, well he can't love me that much can he?

I just don't feel the spark with my hubby, we go out and try and do couple things but my mind wanders onto the other guy, like I said he has a face only his mother could love so I don't understand why I think of him. Maybe it's the chase I like?? Now that I'm not being chased then it annoys me? I really don't know, I'm just throwing some ideas into the pot. Of course it feels good to be chased, but I know I shouldn't want to be chased by any other than my hubby, and it feels like he has got me so don't bother having to make an effort.

My hubby says he loves me and I am the most important person in the world to him and I do believe him, he gves me anything that I want. We haven't been intimate for 4 months, the last time that happened was whilst we were on holiday. I mean 4 months is a very long time, I tell my hubby that it seems to me that he don't care that we don't have sex but he says that he hates it and only sleps in the back room as he snores and don't want to upset my sleep. He has been to hospital to have surgery on his nose but it didn't work.

I just don't know where to go from here, I feel that I've tried everything and am at my wits ends and some days suicidal.

[Survivor07]

Please try to find a counselor you can talk to. Maybe it's a hormonal thing and you need some meds.

Sounds like a bit of depression. There will be nothing you can do to fix that on your own without some professional help.

Tell the counselor what you've told us, especially the last part.

Remember, you're not a bad person. Just going through something you don't quite understand. It's okay to ask for help. It's a healthy thing to do that. Take care of yourself.

[N0help4u]

Yes it is most likely a hormonal thing AND you have a real person to put to your daydreaming. Unfortunately you need to let the reality hit you what this guy is really about and he is anything but your knight in shining armor --more the opposite.

[loulou1978]

I really feel like a bad person, I mean to do this to my hubby. I don't want to hurt him hence this thread. I just can't sleep at night at the moment, I think I need some sleeping tablets.

Some days I just want to die to stop all the hurt inside of me, I'm OK today, I'm having a good day and don't care if I never see the ex again. Ive ate breakfast and just eating lunch and the dog has been walked. I wish everyday I could feel this free. I know that this guy is not worth me wreaking my health for and not eating.

[Survivor07]

I'm glad you're having a good day today.

It's good that you recognize that this other guy you're focusing on is not the answer to your problem.

Just think about what I've said about getting some additional help, help you won't find here.

You are craving attention----give it to yourself.

[N0help4u]

You need to look at things realistically
With your husband you have stability and you can work on the relationship.
With this guy what do you really have and what can you realistically expect?
If you are not happy with your husband you need to work that out one way or another even if it means divorce BUT this other guy needs to be OUT of the picture no matter what.

[loulou1978]

You need to look at things realistically
with your husband you have stability and you can work on the relationship.
With this guy what do you really have and what can you realistically expect?
If you are not happy with your husband you need to work that out one way or another even if it means divorce BUT this other guy needs to be OUT of the picture no matter what.

You are corrsect, I do have stability with my hubby and don't suppose I have anything from the other guy. If I was with the other guy then I would never ever be able to trust him, id always be wondering where he is and who he is with and that's no way to be in a relationship. I know that if we did end up getting a house that I would be scared that he would leave me when things got tough and then id be left financially as well as emotionally alone. That's the silly thing about all of this, even if I did hook up with the ex then I know he couldn't be trusted?? What the hells wrong with me when I having a loving hubby at home??

[loulou1978]

I forgot to put in my last post - thank you to everyone that has replied to me, it really does make a difference knowing nthat there are people out there that are going through or have been through the same thing. At times I think I'm going to crack up under the stress of it all. Ive even cut the grass today, something that I've never ever done in my life!! Hubby will wonder what's hit me when he gets home lol xx

[talaniman]

I can understand your need for some attention from your husband, but you have to remove the distraction of player guy, to be able to focus on the actions you take to solve your marital problems.

Cutting the grass was an excellent start, and more activities along those lines, will help a great deal. Any thing you do positively for yourself will help, until you can get a plan of expressing your honest feelings of unhappiness, to your husband.

Only then can you make a decision to keep working on this marriage or not. Cheating is never a good option.

[loulou1978]

I can understand your need for some attention from your husband, but you have to remove the distraction of player guy, to be able to focus on the actions you take to solve your marital problems.

Cutting the grass was an excellent start, and more activities along those lines, will help a great deal. Any thing you do positively for yourself will help, until you can get a plan of expressing your honest feelings of unhappiness, to your husband.

Only then can you make a decision to keep working on this marriage or not. Cheating is never a good option.

I know what I'm doing or should I say what I did is called emotional cheating and I regret that very very much. It just feels that this guy brings me down when I'm around him, he makes me into a person that I don't want to be. He just lies about every single little thing in his life and that's nots something that I want to be apart of at all. Even his mates told me to watch him as he tells lies!! And that's his mates?

I just want to be happy again, I don't want to try and be happy, I just want to be naturally happy if you understand what I'm trying to say. I understand that every relationship needs works and they don't just run smoothly without this, but I'm so fed up of trying to make myself happy, surely some part must come natural.

I know that this guy can never be trusted and that's the most silliest part of this, like I said earlier even if we ended up together I can't trust hima and know that he would scarper at the slightest problem. He is a totally different person to me, he has no qualifications and is in a dead end job and still living at home whereas, yes I'm unemployed but only through redundancy, I have a nice house, a high level of qualifications and haven't lived at home since I was 22!! That's 8 yrs ago.

He has nothing to offer me financially as well as emotionally so I'm baffled by my pain by him.

[talaniman]

Your frustrations come from a lack of knowledge of self, as how to be happy with yourself. That's why, your DEPENDING on others to make you happy, and that never leads to anything good.

What's so telling, it always goes back to your disappointment with the so called ex, and never about the feelings for your husband.

Its an obvious pattern, and I suspect you never loved him to begin with, but loved being with him, just to have someone. Would I be right?

[loulou1978]

Your frustrations come from a lack of knowledge of self, as how to be happy with yourself. Thats why, your DEPENDING on others to make you happy, and that never leads to anything good.

Whats so telling, it always goes back to your disappointment with the so called ex, and never about the feelings for your husband.

Its an obvious pattern, and I suspect you never loved him to begin with, but loved being with him, just to have someone. Would I be right?

Didn't love who? The ex or the hubby do you mean ?

[loulou1978]

I'm assuming that you meant that I didn't love the ex ? That's a hard one, I think if I think about it long and hard I don't suppose I loved the ex, like you say it was more of I liked being with him as he made me feel special and loved. The ex said he loved me and I was the one that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with but then just bolts at the 1st hurdle.

I love my hubby very much, this is the man that I would die for time and time again and he would do the same for me.

[talaniman]

No I didn't mean the ex, but your husband. Not being harsh, but I questioned your love for him, because I feel you don't love yourself, and are dependent on others to make you happy.

I think your so focused on the ex, that your neglecting your true self, and not addressing your own needs.

The biggest clue that I have into your actions, was how vulnerable you left yourself, to the wrong kind of attention. And honestly your focus still being on the ex, is a big red flag to me that, your not telling us something.

Just a stab in the dark, why are there no kids in your life?

[loulou1978]

I love my hubby very much, as for why haven't I had kids? I'm not really the maternal time tbh, I've always put my career and getting qualified ahead of any baby.

I do love my hubby and yes I need to start loving myself again before I can love someone else.

[talaniman]

That brings me to, what are you doing about that career of yours? You probably think I have nothing else to do but stick my nose in everyone's business. LOL, with all the questions.

[loulou1978]

That brings me to, what are you doing about that career of yours? You probably think I have nothing else to do but stick my nose in everyones business. LOL, with all the questions.

Lol, no I appreciate your help and maybe you can help me see something I can't or that's right in front of my nose.

As for my career, it's a non starter at the mo, I'm being told I'm too qualified and that's the problem, I've not got enough experience to get the top jobs (as no one will give me the chance so it's a vicious circle) and I can't get a lower end job as I'm too qualified!!

Im trying my best to find a middle ground as I think half my problem is that I've got too much time on my hands and this is where I start to think too much and start texting the ex

[loulou1978]

What hurt me about the ex is that he told me this girl was a mate and that nothing was going on with her, he promised me then I found out that he has asked her to go away with him on vacation, asking her to go away with him at the same time asking me to get back together with him. He text me one night and said that she was a mate "but you never know what may happen between them when they go away", I mean how horrible is that!! Then a week ago I found out he slept with her approx the same time he was asking to get back with me and telling me how much he loved me and she was just a mate??

I really want to hate him, that way it will be easier for me to move on and forget him, does that sound silly.
There has been plenty of times he has been nasty to me, like I mentioned earlier in nov he said he was going abroad to rome when he was in fact at his girlfriends approx 200 miles away, he was even texting me from hers saying that he wanted babies with me!! How can a guy have the nearve to text me whilst visiting his girlfriend.

[loulou1978]

The more I think of the nasty things that he has done too me the more I'm determined to run in the opposite direction, I mean how can someone be that mean too someone they suppose to love?? Or did he love me?

He told me in aug when I met him that he was sinlge when all the time he was apparently with this girl that lived a distance away, he wanted me to sleep with him at new yr when he was still with her?? Im struggling to understand how someone could be that horrible?? I know I'm no saint but id never do anything like that. My ex says there's nowt going on with him and the girl he slept with a month ago, that when he woke up in the woke he said it didn't feel right like it did when we were together and told her he wanted to be mates. Again do I believe what he says and quite frankly do I care anymore?? I think or should I say the answer is no.

Sorry to keep ranting but the more I type aout the horrible things that my ex has done the more I hate him and find it easier to move on and be happy with a man that treats me well like hubby. My priority has to be loving myself and my hubby and trying to get this loser and liar of an ex out of my life for good. But do you know what... I know him and I know that he isn't going to go quietly