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Blunt is exactly what I needed I guess... because I just don't want to face the truth. Honestly I'm not looking for sympathy for my situation but just answers...
You've all told them to me over and over and over again but I'm still searching for that shred of hope that everything will be okay with us. Everything will be like the good times we'd had and that I wouldn't think about the bad ones and everything could be okay and move forward. I think... he was getting better in how he talked to me... he was considering me more... he was... but it should have never been to begin with. All relationships have arguments but ours was beyond arguments And then the violence made things go to a whole new level. Things escalated with him when I stopped backing down and he lost "control". He's even said that he choked me to rattle my cage and get me to listen to him... that's not how someone who loves you behaves. Sure, I could have communicated better and sure, I have probably tons of other flaws but I would never physically harm him to "rattle his cage". You are all correct and thank GOD I don't have children mixed up in this mess! I need to separate from him and move on with my life. Everyone is RIGHT! He even said "if I wanted to kill you I could of but I knew how far to go". Does that sound like someone that is only acting out because they took a "happy pill". I'm not going to go to a women's shelter because of my animals... but I am going to get out soon and move on with life. I'm the one who chooses to stay in this mess and I'm the one who has to choose to move on... Thanks everyone and especially those of you who have really told me what's what's and to basically knock off all the Bull$hit! If you don't mind... I will keep you all posted on my progress in getting away from all this... and thank you very much. I never realized when I posted that I would get so much honest support and caring from people I don't even know... something my spouse was supposed to give me... Thanks Again LovesAnimals |
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You knew the answer all along, you know you would give a friend the same support and advice. You can do this! Start putting it into motion and don't look back. The silver lining will be that you will be stronger and wiser, and you will be able to support other women who find themselves where you once were. Wishing you much strength and courage! |
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Honey--you can do this! You deserve better than this guy that is hurting you all the time. If it were your sister in your shoes--what would you tell her? YOU are the best sister you'll ever have--listen to yourself! All of your other problems, I guarantee you, will sort themselves out and be less overwhelming when you aren't afraid of his reaction to all of them constantly. Remember--there are people that can help you, even if you don't go to a shelter. The Police Station is a good place to start, or your local social services agency. Heck, even your priest/rabbi/pastor/reverend can help you get a support system in place! You don't have to do this alone! And--we're here. You are, in essence, the sister to all of us, and we care what happens to you, and want you to be safe, happy and healthy. |
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I'm going to tell you another short and very true story. I stayed too long in my abusive relationship. Many things in yours ring true to me. I had once again packed my bags to leave. I knew I needed to leave no matter what. I didn't care anymore about possesions, I just wanted my clothes, and a few things that I needed. I had done it many times before, but was threatened and scared to death. I almost made it out of the house, when he came driving up. He tried to stop me, but I was able to get my belongings into my car, and jump in. He stood screaming at me and threatening all of the things he had always threatened to do to me if I left. He was chasing me in his truck, and trying to cut me off. I was so scared. I couldn't stand the sound of the honking and screaming, so I cranked the radio in my car. I swear to God, this song came on that just gave me so much power at that moment! It doesn't matter what kind of music you like, just please listen to this song and the words to it. It sure helped me, and I hope it does you a little. YouTube - Chely Wright - Shut Up And Drive |
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My blood is still boiling about you thinking of defending him in court. Ok suppose you do, and he get off free, do you think he will thank you for that or something? No, he'll come back to you blaming you for making him waste money on a lawyer in the first place. AND he'll think you're bland and stupid and aren't even able to defend yourself against him. That you can't even carry though with the lawsuit. That he's free to do whatever he wants to you. And for once that the whole abuse reporting machinery has worked (doctor... police.. courts) it would have been all for nothing! Well, whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best of luck. |
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 Originally Posted by kirriky
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So... I'm hanging in there. I haven't made my move yet but I'm staying strong to my beliefs and the "TRUTH" that what he says to me is just that words... Either he truly is delusional and believes what he is saying or he's very manipulative (probably a little of both). It doesn't really matter because I have to remember what he did to me and it wasn't right and the fact that he down plays it and doesn't understand the impact it's all had on me... I am working on getting out and I'm determined to do so no matter what he says...
Everything went down on Friday... The cops came to the door early in the morning looking for him. I came home after my second job... his truck wasn't there... so I just went to bed. When I answered the door I said he wasn't there as far as I know! They searched the house and then found him hiding in the backyard. He must have came home after I went to sleep (he was at a friend's house) so... They think I new he was there so they gave me a citation for obstruction of justice! I don't have money for a lawyer but I'm going to fight it. They have no proof and it's my word against theirs and I'm telling the truth so hopefully the system will work! Well, he bailed out and came back to the house. I keep telling him I'm not okay with us but I also try not to make him made although he's not dumb enough to do anything with two charges pending... I told him yesterday I couldn't be his support system and he has no idea how all this has affected me... Like everyone has said, there is no reasoning with him on anything!! I think he feels he's in control at this point because I let him back to the house for now but he is sorely wrong. He talks about jail and prison and how they make criminals out of people and that he's not that guy and can't do the time and needs a lawyer. I tell him to start looking for friends and family to help because I have no money for that and have my own worries now. He says the should be looking for "real killers" which reinforces the fact he doesn't really really believe he did anything wrong. That just strengthens my conviction to move on... there is no going back and fixing things... it's done... just waiting it out now till the right and best time. We argued yesterday about my tone I use with him and he can tell I just don't want him around. I don't want him to get angry and feel like he's baiting me so I say I'm just angry with everything that's happened and he should understand that. Then it's the "poor me" thing when he says he knows he's caused everything... Well... sorry for venting :( I just wanted all of you wonderful caring people to know that I'm okay and that I haven't changed my mind on anything!! This relationship will end and it will be soon!! Thanks again for all your caring and support! LovesAnimals... |
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Please be VERY VERY CAREFUL! This is going to sit and resinate in his mind, and he will know he is going down, and once he realises he has nothing to lose, he IS going to take that out on YOU, if you are still around. I can see this like a movie in my head. He blames this on you, and he will make sure that before he is locked up, that you pay for "what you've done to him!"... which we all know YOU haven't done A THING! You really do need to make your plans... and fast! Stay safe, and look out for YOU! Find your animals a safe place in the meantime. There are many people I'm sure that would be willing to foster them for a short period. I know this is all very hard, and I know you don't want to be without your animals, I totally understand that. Just find a safe place for all of you as soon as you can PLEASE. This is NOT going to be a happy ending if you don't. He's already got you involved and has caused charges to be pressed against you. It can only get worse from here on. Take care of yourself! |
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I know everything in my being does agree with you, Stringer. Your voice along with everyone else sounds very loud and clear to GET OUT NOW!
Each day I'm closer and closer to that step. I am looking at the braod picture of everything and what steps to take to make sure I am safe. That's the most important thing to me right now... do what it takes to be safe. I am moving on the 11th-12th and I'm planning it all without him. I will be scheduling the rental truck and moving help next Monday and from now until the 11th it will just be working and packing. I have actually stopped worrying about him all of the time... hard to believe but I've reached that point now. I have to look out for me first and for most, like everyone has said. I have pictures of what I looked like after he choked me and I requently look at them now to remind myself of what he actually did! I tend to forgive and forget a bit too easy sometimes.. most of the time. I looked up the charges I got and the max is $1000 fine and up to a year in jail! They don't have any real evidence and I am the victim in everything so I think they will go light or drop the charges all together. I will be contacting the county for a Public Defender on Monday as well... Thanks for your continued support, allowing me to voice my concerns, and being straight with me. It's been a slow process but I am getting to where I need to be... |
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They will not go light on him, nor should they. Hopefully you have decided that it is in your best interest to assist with the charges. What is your reasoning for contacting the Public Defender? Does your husband know where you are moving since he was once invited? Will you cave when he has no where else to go? |
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Justwantfair... he is facing much more than $1000 and a year in jail with the two felony charges they have against him. I got charged with obstruction of justice although I didn't know if he was there or not for sure when they came and scooped him up last week. The cops thought I was lying so therefore charged me! I'm contacting the public defendor to help me on my charge... not his. He's looking for a criminal lawyer for his (which I am not helping with and want to know nothing about).
Yes.. my husband does know where the new house is... but he's never been there and technically he is not allowed to live there. I am the only one on the lease. Honestly I don't know if I'll cave but for my sake I certainly hope not! I don't think keeping on like we are is good for either one of us... Batman76... I know you are right and I see that more and more every day with him. Deep down even after only a year or so of marriage I felt that way. I always kind of felt like I was his jackpot or cash cow not a partner. So many times he's said he'd get a second job but I've never seen it happen and there were always so many exuses... now he doesn't even have one! I know it's hard out there but... What happened to the job his old boss promised him about a week ago so he says? Why hasn't he started? All empty promises that shows that he really doesn't care about anyone but himself. When I don't spend time with him I see things so clear and then POW he gets in my head... or at least that's how it's been, not anymore! I really do know the truth and I guess I always have but didn't want to see it... sucks... |
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Yes, I knew that you meant you were getting a public defender for the charges the cops placed on you. He put you in this position. My gut says you really did know he was there, and you were covering for him. I'm not judging you, but I think you know I'm right. It's okay, I get it. Just NEVER do that again for him, or you really will be in trouble... and for what? DO NOT protect him anymore! See what kind of mess he has gotten you into now? Get out those pictures of your face. Carry them with you! Look at them over and over, whenever he says something to you, and you feel him getting into your head, pull them out and take a good look! He's knows he can get to you. He knows the words to say. He knows the things to do. Don't fall for it! You know you can't! You know he won't change anything for you. You know he will hurt you again, and it will be WORSE next time. He's got nothing to lose now! So keep on bringing out those pictures, and remind yourself that you got off easy this time! Next time he will mess you up even more. He won't care, because he knows he's going down anyway, so one more charge won't mean much at all to him! Get your public defender, get your plan in place, and get your life back. Believe me, it will be so much better once you can see it more clearly, and he is gone... gone... GONE!! YOU KNOW YOU NEED TO DO IT! We will all be here for you when you need someone to talk to. We can't be here for you if you're not here! |
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Originally Posted by rachelcuryy08
You apparently have issues because you've felt the need to post your religious message all over the board, in all categories, all subjects, never answering a question, always preaching. As I said - you very obvious have some issues yourself. Why don't you post on the religious threads? (It would be helfpul if you could actually spell "Aman," by the way.) Otherwise - you DID read that this woman is subjected to physical violence, right? |
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Hi... I just wanted to post so all you caring people know that I'm still here and trying to do the right thing for me.
I'm moving in two weeks and as of now he is still going with but that is most likely going to change. The lawyer said they will issue a restraining order on him so he won't be able to be around me which is actually a blessing in disguise. Since I won't help myself... I'm glad the system is designed to ;) I'm have been still helping him financially as of yesterday but I'm frustrated and stepping back. I have read through everything everyone has posted and really am taking it all to heart and thinking logically. This last weekend he had my head so twisted around that I thought I was the bad person! I saw his violent nature come out again when he was pounding on the door of the bathroom for me to come out. I know I'm not a saint and I never wanted him to go to prison but enough is enough. Enough of the poor me (speaking of myself... ) I think he can't survive on his own without me but he's proven he can do what it takes when he needs to, which angers me! He is not a well person behaving the way he does but then again I'm not a well person for continuing to subject myself to all this when I'm really not bound by anything a lot of women are bound by... 1) NO KIDS 2) NOT BOUND FINANCIALLY but yet I stay because I love him. But my counselor and you have helped me realize it's not a healthy love for either of us. This is not really a great time for me to leave him high and dry but when will be? Self preservation mode is starting to creep in and I keep telling myself that yes I guess I am being selfish putting myself and my needs first but what has he done to earn the right for me to continue to put him first? I know I've said I was on the right path before but now I truly believe I've reached that point. I know I'll grieve not having him in my life but it will pass and my life will again become my own ;) It's time... I will reach out if I need you but if nothing else promise to keep you posted. I know everyone is sincerely concerned and don't want to leave you wondering. Thanks again, LovesAnimals ;) |
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You are not thinking logically, you are thinking with your heart still and I would hazard to guess, with plenty of fear still. You have made some great strides, but you haven't broken free from him, and I realize that is a difficult thing to do, but you really need to take that last step. It is scary, I know... you start thinking of the what if's, how things used to be when they were good, how you think they still might be... even if you won't admit it, what will the future hold. It's an abusive relationship, but it is what you know and there is a semblance of comfort in that aspect of it. That is holding you back from taking the final steps you need to. If you are having him move with you, what in the world is the point of a restraining order?? I don't know what anyone else can tell you, you seem to be stuck at this point. I can understand that, but at the same time, I wish you would reconsider, at the very least, of having him move with you. I know it can often taken women numerous attempts at ending an abusive relationship. I wish you well... keep us posted. |
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Hi...
I'm just posting a note that nothing has changed in my life as of yet because I'm the only one that can really change things. DoulaLC is absolutely right that I'm not thinking logically still :( I'm going to see my old counselor tonight that had gotten me on the right track and the confidence to ask him to leave the first time. He knows both of us because we had done couples counseling with him almost 3 years ago. He is a firm believer as all of you are that we should not be together. I really don't want to be the victim any more but I'm stuck in a rut! I tell myself it's done and then I don't have the guts. I even question if I have to have drama in my life to feel whole or something because why on earth would I still be in the situation I'm in. I'm not mentally well and I know that... but I need to know how to fix it too! I know there is no "magic pill" or "wand" that can be waved... I move this weekend and then the following week he goes to court for the first time. The lawyer stated they will most likely issue a restraining order. I think a good step for me is to insist that we go along with what's issued because I don't want to get into any more trouble and him staying with me would be breaking the law! It's bad enough I have to fight and obstruction of justice order in a month or so. My boss said my job wouldn't be in jepordy with the current charge but to be very careful going forward because eventually this whole situation could :( Well, don't want to ramble but just wanted to let everyone know that things are sinking in although it's a very slow process for me... I think looking up strangulation online and just reading about stuff helps me understand how serious everything really is. Instead of telling myself it isn't true and just going on in denial. On step at a time and baby steps... seems to work best for me and seems the safest road. I'm really banking on that restraining order in all honestly. Thanks again... Loves Animals |
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