[JTS31708]

I know inside of me I still do not want to let go of her especially since it is really easy to fix! But I guess I will just continue NC until one day she realizes (if she does) that she made a mistake with giving up on me and not wanting to work it out. And if that day does come I will not give in that easily I will take it very slowly with her to make sure that my heart does not get broken again! It just sucks losing someone that you have done everything with and everything for and both loved each other so much and it just ends so simple like that.

[ka1]

You echo my sentiments. Its amazing how people can just screw things up worse, by giving up

[cozyk]

I hate to disagree but I just got to. You are playing games and trying to manipulate the situation. Just be truthful and real. If you want to see her on her birthday, see her, want to call her, then call her. I just believe that a "mature" relationship is one that people aren't playing the hard to get game.

[JTS31708]

I hate to disagree but I just gotta. You are playing games and trying to manipulate the situation. Just be truthful and real. If you want to see her on her birthday, see her, want to call her, then call her. I just believe that a "mature" relationship is one that people aren't playing the hard to get game.

That's what I'm saying but a lot of people on here say go NC and that's the best way to go I want us to work again and go back out because its easy to fix if I keep going NC she might just forget about me and I don't want that

[cozyk]

Just be honest and follow your heart. Don't do it to the point that SHE is playing games and you get taken advantage of. If she starts doing that just say, "here's the deal, I like you a lot and would love to spend more time with you. If you feel the same way, great, let's do it. If you are going to be playing with my heart by running hot and cold, depending on what else you have going on, then count me out. End of story. That way there is no guess work. It is what it is. I would respect a guy that said something like that to me. It's a man who knows his own heart and mind, has set his boundaries and, is capable of being a good partner, but won't be toyed with.

[ka1]

I hate to disagree but I just gotta. You are playing games and trying to manipulate the situation. Just be truthful and real. If you want to see her on her birthday, see her, want to call her, then call her. I just believe that a "mature" relationship is one that people aren't playing the hard to get game.

If the relationship did not break over fundamental compatibly issues than the person leaving is being immature. Some may disagree, because there's seems to be a lot of people that just think a break-up is meant to be; which is false. Problems and challenges arise in any relationship, and many people take the easy way out. Very often because of this cultural belief (this is my speculative thesis) that if its meant to be, it will just happen.

NC very often makes me questions what they did. It is not manipulative, its just that people do make mistakes, and in relationship where one person is taking the other for granted or gotten comfortable, or things there is greener grass elsewhere, the disconnection helps hammer the point home that they screwed up.

Now here's the problem for guys like me and JST, that has no bearing on what we have to do to survive the break-up. NC can become a mute point because by the time it "works" we have moved on, or don't quite trust or feel secure that they won't do it again. I know for myself that 1. I can hold grudges, 2. I would not feel totally secure in the relationship, which will cause me to act in ways that would hurt it. So either way, I'm stuck with her bad decision, and the pain I have to deal with from it.

[talaniman]

JTS31708;1550017, I know inside of me I still do not want to let go of her especially since it is really easy to fix!

That's your side of things, but obviously she doesn't agree.

But I guess I will just continue NC until one day she realizes (if she does) that she made a mistake with giving up on me and not wanting to work it out.

What if that day never comes? What will you be doing in the meantime?

And if that day does come I will not give in that easily I will take it very slowly with her to make sure that my heart does not get broken again!

IF that day comes?? Again how long do you think that will be?

It just sucks losing someone that you have done everything with and everything for and both loved each other so much and it just ends so simple like that.

I agree there, it does suck, but the bigger question is what are you going to do about it?

That's what I'm saying but a lot of people on here say go NC and that's the best way to go I want us to work again and go back out because its easy to fix if i keep going NC she might just forget about me and i don't want that

You go NC to heal and see reality and make better decisions for yourself based on facts and not just feelings. Right now your feelings are blinding you to the facts,
She dumped you
She gave up on the relationship, because HER feelings have changed.
So it simply ends, just like that.

But until you accept it, you cannot move ahead in the healing process.

[talaniman]

Ka1;1550378, If the relationship did not break over fundamental compatibly issues than the person leaving is being immature. Some may disagree, because there's seems to be a lot of people that just think a break-up is meant to be; which is false. Problems and challenges arise in any relationship, and many people take the easy way out. Very often because of this cultural belief (this is my speculative thesis) that if its meant to be, it will just happen.

You forget the obvious, sometimes feelings die, fade, or just CHANGE. That's what humans do, they feel, and they change.

NC very often makes me questions what they did. It is not manipulative, its just that people do make mistakes, and in relationship where one person is taking the other for granted or gotten comfortable, or things there is greener grass elsewhere, the disconnection helps hammer the point home that they screwed up.

Or it allows you to heal, after a break up, so you can deal with the reality of the situation, after the emotional dust settles.

Now here's the problem for guys like me and JST, that has no bearing on what we have to do to survive the break-up. NC can become a mute point because by the time it "works" we have moved on, or don't quite trust or feel secure that they won't do it again. I know for myself that 1. I can hold grudges, 2. I would not feel totally secure in the relationship, which will cause me to act in ways that would hurt it. So either way, I'm stuck with her bad decision, and the pain I have to deal with from it

NC is what helps you get over it, and deal in a positive realistic way, all the points you bring up. And just because you say your partner made a bad decision by dumping you, to them it was a good decision. Unless they come back and tell you otherwise.

Nothing wrong with being stubborn, just know when to quit. Being dumped doesn't have to be a bad thing, just a realization that something has changed and you need to make some adjustments to cope with those changes.

[ka1]

talaniman,

I believe you are making the fundamental mistake I'm seeing on this board and others; and maybe its more of a different world view. A crack addict thinks it's the right decision to get high, but its not. And we all know that. Just because someone thinks they made the right choice, does not mean they did. In fact, people make poor decisions more often than good one in general. I sickens me to hear people say, "she made the right choice, so understand that," or something similar. The reason so many people do feel like they made a mistake by leaving their ex's that were good, is precisely because they realize they made mistake. Which means by definition is was a mistake to break-up from jump.

Your assertion that feelings do change is true only to a certain degree. How can I say that. I go back to my earlier posts about married couples. If you get married at 25, and stay married until a spouse dies at 75, that's 50yrs. It is a definitive fact that each person's feelings for the other has waxed and waned at different times in 50yrs. That's just the nature of human relationships, but they did not break-up. Why? Well there can be a lot good reasons, but 1 is always going to be an understanding that you look past your feelings of the moment.

I'm telling you if basic, fundamental compatibility is in the relationship, changed feelings may be why a person decides to give up, but it is not a reason to break-up. The rough patch will disappear. If it didn't then there would be very few couples married for 30 plus years. You have to look at the successful ones, and realize they experienced the same thing the people who broke-up did, but choose a better way to deal, than running away.

talaniman, the next love relationship you have, or you just going to pack in the 1st time your "feelings" are different? Come on, man you got to do better than that.

[cozyk]

talaniman,

I believe you are making the fundamental mistake I'm seeing on this board and others; and maybe its more of a different world view. A crack addict thinks its the right decision to get high, but its not. And we all know that. Just because someone thinks they made the right choice, does not mean they did. In fact, people make poor decisions more often than good one in general. I sickens me to hear people say, "she made the right choice, so understand that," or something similar. The reason soo many people do feel like they made a mistake by leaving their ex's that were good, is precisely because they realize they made mistake. Which means by definition is was a mistake to break-up from jump.

Your assertion that feelings do change is true only to a certain degree. How can I say that. I go back to my earlier posts about married couples. If you get married at 25, and stay married until a spouse dies at 75, that's 50yrs. It is a definitive fact that each person's feelings for the other has waxed and waned at different times in 50yrs. That's just the nature of human relationships, but they did not break-up. Why? Well there can be a lot good reasons, but 1 is always going to be an understanding that you look past your feelings of the moment.



I'm telling you if basic, fundamental compatibility is in the relationship, changed feelings may be why a person decides to give up, but it is not a reason to break-up. The rough patch will disappear. If it didn't then there would be very few couples married for 30 plus years. You have to look at the successful ones, and realize they experienced the same thing the people who broke-up did, but choose a better way to deal, than running away.

talaniman, the next love relationship you have, or you just gonna pack in the 1st time your "feelings" are different? Come on, man you gotta do better than that.

I've been married for over 28 years and you are absolutely right about feelings waxing and waning. We could have been divorced and re-married 15 times if we just followed our feelings at the time.

[JTS31708]

I agree but what should I do about it I told her I'm going to give her space like 2 weeks or so like I said. But afterwards how should I go and approach her or start to communicate again. Part of me wants to see if she realizes that she made a mistake after a rebound or something and the other part wants me to take action and try to start talking to her again.

[katerina kostar]

Hi there its very hard for us women sometimes and we just need some breathing space . If you leave her alone for a while ,you will be giving her what she needs and that way if she is missing you she will be back . She sounds confused and needs to go out and have fun .hopefully if she is in love with you she will come back to you . Believe me and be possitie great things happen to peoplle who are passiant.

[talaniman]

Talaniman, the next love relationship you have, or you just going to pack in the 1st time your "feelings" are different? Come on, man you got to do better than that.

I have been married more than 30 years, and know full well how people can either work at it, or just give up. What you propose is to fix it, and that's great if your partner is willing. But if they are not, what are you going to do about it? I asked this before and got no answer.

I have seen your reaction, and JTS's many times, and its natural when humans become attached but can't let go. Been there done that, its called denial. You will work through it, we all do. It's a part of the healing process, which it seems your going to have to learn the hard way.

One thing though most successful marriages, and relationships are about partners who resolve their issues through honest communications, and are WILLING to work together for the benefit of both. Without that from both partners, you have no relationship.

Its fact, most relationships end any way, as we grow, and learn until we find someone who fits well, and is more compatible and in tune with with us.

Now you think you can fix everything with an UNWILLING partner? Try, and let me know how miserable, and confused you are.

[talaniman]

I agree but what should i do about it i told her im going to give her space like 2 weeks or so like i said. But afterwards how should i go and approach her or start to communicate again. Part of me wants to see if she realizes that she made a mistake after a rebound or something and the other part wants me to take action and try to start talking to her again.

Leave her alone, and let her make her own decision, without your influence. In the meantime work on you and heal. Then you can take it from there, and see what life has for you. I understand your feelings, it sucks to be dumped. But life does move forward, and get better. Just take one thing at a time, and deal with it.

[cozyk]

I decided not to go but now im stuck with a $50 teddy bear and i dont have the reciept lol Im going to give her time for a while!

DO NOT ever give her this bear and stop wasting your money. The bear is just more game playing, manipulating etc..

[cozyk]

SHE texted you after a death. She wanted to make contact with you. That is what tells me that it is one of these two things...
1. She is not feeling so cocky after being brought down by someone's death and feels the need to turn to someone she considers a true "heart to heart" person in her life.

2. She has a lot of maturing to do and is just using you in her down and out moments to cheer her and possibly puff up her ego.

Either way, you know what YOU feel. I would present it to her in a matter of fact way. Exactly as I said in an earlier post. That is IF she makes contact with you again. That will open the door for you to state your case without you seeking her out. You can tell her what you want and still hold onto your dignity if you do it the right way.

[JTS31708]

Well I was on aim and my ex tried to start a conversation with me and I kept it very short I said hey what's up, she asked me what I was doing I said just got out of the shower and she said I'm getting ready for tomorrow, and I said that's cool well I have to go to bed night. I ended it like that is that OK to have a short conversation and not get into things?

[talaniman]

Better to have no conversation, but you have to start somewhere.

[JTS31708]

So if she tries to contact me again in anyway either email, aim, call, or text should I ignore it or at least have a short conversation with her? I don't want to be rude about things and not to ever see her again. I feel a lot better now since I've been having a good time with friends and all so I don't see why I shouldn't at least have convos with her short ones though! I Won't contact her only when she tries to talk to me is when I think I should

[Dare81]

This is not going to work. You need to go NC, you are not her door mat, Move on