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JDLNYC · Feb 3, 2009, 07:14 AM

So two minutes after I wrote my entry above my ex woke up and came out and sat with me. That's my weakness because before long I was sitting on the couch telling about my job search, the group I'm joining and even things the therapist said... I mentioned how he didn't even say good night last night and he just shrugged his shoulders...

Tell me if I'm right... he comes out and sits here because he wants to make sure I still care? If he had sat there to talk and I didn't get up or look away from my computer screen... he would have had to deal with the day thinking I was detaching myself from him. Now instead, he gets to go on with his day and know I'm still attached enough. Is that how this appears to the outside world?

zeeniee · Feb 3, 2009, 07:21 AM

Yeah I know that feeling of how suddenly your life just flips upside down because of a decision a partner makes- it is so dramatic and shocking-- the emptiness just kills--there are no words to describe what that feels like.

As time goes by the situation will settle down- I promise you that- and you will slowly see sunny rays of light shining in your day-- it takes a heck of time and it will need determination and strength from you-- there is always a way forward- you just have to find it, with time you will.

You will not face the world alone- you will in time, be more happier with yourself, make new friends and create a new better life for you.

Take each day as it comes and don't rush.

zeeniee · Feb 3, 2009, 07:24 AM

You also at this moment in time need to dettach from your EX- he will not help with the situation your facing, and will confuse you and make you ask a million questions.

Keep yourself to yourself as much as you can- you don't owe him a breifing on what your doing now- what your doing now is for YOU not him.

chuff · Feb 3, 2009, 07:29 AM

Maybe it's just me, but his behavior comes off like someone who cheated and is feeling guilty about it, constantly questioning himself, the relationship... wanting to be with you and but not too much like he feels like he doesn't deserve too.

zeeniee · Feb 3, 2009, 07:37 AM

I guess the bottom line is- he ask you to let him go, so do that and give him that.

I am sorry but 13 years is a bloody longtime- a lot of love and hard work would have been placed in that relationship. As relationship has come to an end (his decision)- then the very least he should be doing is dealing with this in a respectable and mature way- the way he is doingit right now SUCKS and is very poor by all standards.

talaniman · Feb 3, 2009, 07:52 AM

Now instead, he gets to go on with his day and know I'm still attached enough. Is that how this appears to the outside world?

I can't say what HIS problem is, but give him what he wants..!

JDLNYC · Feb 3, 2009, 07:52 AM

Yah.. obviously I don't want to consider the idea of another person. I asked and he said no but again.. we have to live together for now and maybe he knew that would create a more hostile environment. I felt like I only talked about myself so just before he left I asked how his work was... he didn't even look me in the eye... said its fine and walked out of the room. I fed his needs when he came out but he wouldn't engage in conversation when I start it.

zeeniee · Feb 3, 2009, 07:59 AM

I agree with Tal,

He is a complete f*********** arse and he is not being fair to you at all. Sorry but I find his actions v frustrating!

I can bet my money that he is not even sure in what he is doing, or what he wants either.

God knows what is going on in his head-- BUT THAT IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM.

Your problem is YOU and how you need to get back on your feet and start walking your life for you- just keep telling yourself that- as that is what matters at the end- YOU matter.

As difficult as it is right now, try v hard not think of what he said, what he did, whether he made eye contact or not. All you need to digest is the situation your facing-- work with that and only that.

JDLNYC · Feb 3, 2009, 04:52 PM

Looked for work today.. went to therapy and then decided to see "the Reader"... not a good movie when you're already so down. I left the movie in amazing pain... cried walking home and now I'm just here. I debated sending my ex a email at work... stupid me... I did it. I just said : Just wanted to say hi... so hi He replied; hi

Nothing good comes from contact like that. I knew damn well he wasn't going to say anything that would make me happy. I'm so tired of being sad and hurting but I know its going to be a very long time before I feel normal again. I feel almost as bad as I did the first day today. I don't know why... just feel like I make progress then slip back... its awful

DJ28 · Feb 3, 2009, 05:09 PM

I really know what you mean, but here is a idea for you. I just did it actually, go to meetup.com and join a group of your interest around you, meet some new people that way. I just joined a group today and there meeting on Thursday . Just an idea

JDLNYC · Feb 3, 2009, 10:01 PM

Now you all have me wondering if he has someone else. I mean for the last 7 months. We've lived here he has friends but was usually here most nights. NOW... after the break up he seems to have some place he can go every night and not return until 12 or 1. I doubt he's at bars or walking in the winter weather... so now I'm thinking I wonder if he has someone's place he can now go to. That would make me hate him even more... just such a quick change in less than a week...

talaniman · Feb 4, 2009, 06:41 AM

I doubt it was a quick change, maybe you just started to notice it.

JDLNYC · Feb 4, 2009, 05:23 PM

Well now he's talking more to me. This morning he came out three times before he left for work and asked how I was (I was doing resumes and job stuff) and then right before he left he came to me and asked for a hug. Then tonight he comes home (first time he's been here before 11 or 12 since the break up) and sits right near me and talks to me for quite a while.

I don't want to make too much of this... but should I see it as a good sign? I think I know one answer... there is no reconciliation until he literally walks up to me and asks me... its up to him to do it... not up to me to figure it out. I just grab onto this new communication as maybe meaning more...

chuff · Feb 4, 2009, 05:49 PM

Originally Posted by JDLNYC

I don't want to make too much of this...but should I see it as a good sign? I think I know one answer...there is no reconciliation until he literally walks up to me and asks me...its up to him to do it...not up to me to figure it out. I just grab onto this new communication as maybe meaning more....

You are right. You know the answer. He caused this issue and now it's up to him to resolve it should he want to, and more important now should YOU want to. His behavior belongs to him, do your best to ignore it, I know it's easier said then done, but you can't start playing rollar coaster because his behavior is not consistent. You've done nothing wrong here, so you have to try and focus on yourself.

I think your doing the best for yourself, focusing on the future, looking for work, and staying busy and positive.

JDLNYC · Feb 4, 2009, 08:45 PM

Yah cause he was all talking to me when he came home... showing me iPhone apps and pictures of he and his friends from a bar he just took... then he ran out to therapy and 3 hours later he hasn't returned. I am allowing myself to be used... I make him feel good about himself before he runs out... He can't have me nice here... and go out and have it nice somewhere else... that's not fair to me...

chuff · Feb 4, 2009, 08:48 PM

Originally Posted by JDLNYC

that's not fair to me...

Right now this is the only person you need to be concerned about. And that was his decision, so it's fair to both parties involved and you need not feel guilty or bad by it. Do what's fair to you, for you.

JDLNYC · Feb 5, 2009, 06:06 AM

Now he and I are back hardly talking. This just feels like such a awful situation. The pain is awful and its like someone died.. but they keep dying over and over. Thanks for listening whoever reads this. I come here because any words that are written I do listen to and I often re-read all the postings. I guess I am struggling to get out of the hoping he'll change his mind phase. Every thing he does I look for clues he might be missing me enough to change his mind. I don't want him to be nice to me and I don't want him to ignore me... that's the spot I'm in.

JDLNYC · Feb 5, 2009, 07:26 AM

Sorry to write again so soon... but I'm struggling to understand things. Even two weeks ago he and I talked about a convention he wanted to attend and we ordered tickets. We discussed what panels he wanted to hear... we joked and laughed. We had a nice Christmas and even last week we watched shows together and talked. How does this suddenly switch in one day? From all that to nothing?

chuff · Feb 5, 2009, 07:45 AM

It is exactly like someone dying when the relationship ends. The over and over is a result of him still being there, which is why, as soon as you can, get a place for yourself. You need to distance yourself from him.

As to why he "suddenly" changed only he can say. But I can say this change was not sudden. You don't wake up one day and want out, something happened or he's been thinking about it for some time.

talaniman · Feb 5, 2009, 07:54 AM

I know its hard right now to remove yourself or him from this situation, but stay focused on what you have to do for yourself, and don't be fooled by his behavior at this point. Whether he is nice or not, you also know he can hurt you and will, at a minutes notice