[kctiger]

The holidays quanitfy all of the lonely feelings we have. I am doing pretty bad right now, as I can't even think about not being with her tomorrow night... midnight, you kiss your girl... that kind of thing. For the first time in five years I won't be kissing her, and that hurts.

Just get through from about now until after Valentine's Day and you will have made it through the roughest part. You aren't the only one who blames himself or suddenly has feelings rushing back into you. I feel the same way, just keep your chin up and keep moving forward.

[jmw0713]

Thanks, at least I know I'm not the only one going through this stage right now. I hope that we both get through this quickly.

[411Help]

Yes, from now until Valentines Day is the hardest.

Remain strong. If you can get through these next couple months, you'll be fine.

[jmw0713]

After answering one of the new threads, I have come to a realization.

As I sit here and think about it, my ex is the one that isn't happy with herself. She cannot stand to be alone and single, and that's pretty sad. She always has looked to find her happiness in others, hence the reason why she just bounces along from one guy to the next. I don't know if she will ever truly find out what she wants. She always claimed she wanted to be alone and single for awhile to find out who she is, but then ends up right back in another relationship with another guy. When we broke up, one of the last things she said to me after I said I couldn't be friends with her was "Why can't I ever be happy...". Now that I think about it, she never will be until she learns to be happy with herself. That may have been the problem all along, and no matter what I tried to do to make her happy, she wasn't because she was not happy with herself. She would always put herself down, and talk bad about herself. I would always tell her that the things she said about herself were not true to no avail. I hope that one day she realizes this and truly becomes happy with herself instead of looking for happiness in others.

This is why the next girl I find, I hope, will be happy with herself. Nobody can make you feel happy, until you are happy with who you are. I know this now, and I am happy with who I am. I know what I want, I just keep hoping I find it. I know what I need to do to get what I want. I just have to find it.

[jmw0713]

Update:

I haven't updated this thread in a while. I've been going strict NC for 2 months now. I feel a lot better than I did when first starting. I don't think about her when I'm awake. I've been talking to and meeting other women. I'm finally just starting seeing them for who they are and not comparing them to my ex.

I've been doing everything possible to have fun and stay focused on myself. However, at night (last night and the night before) I've had these dreams of her. Very vivid dreams that I can remember as I sit here and type this. I miss her, even though I know with almost 100% certainty she isn't coming back.

I've been falling in the false hope trap too, pondering the what ifs. I know I have to stop, but it's hard when the memory of us being together remains. I know I still miss her, and think about what she is doing from time to time, but this doesn't nearly disrupt my daily life like it did a few months ago.

Now, if her name comes up in conversation, I can talk about her and our past with out getting emotional. I find myself comparing situations, or places, with things we did or have been to. It is really hard to not think of her or what we had. The smallest things will remind me of something... and it sucks.

It's like she is still there with me, but not. I guess it's my brains way of trying to make sense of everything and get me back to a point of normalcy. It's amazing how many memories you have of someone you loved after 4 years. It's tough. I feel for the people on here who have 5, 6, 7 or more years worth of memories.

I am doing better! I feel as though I am almost there, but the memories and the dreams do little to ease the pain.

I am continuing to move forward with this the best I can and trying help others along the way. I hope I've helped some, even though I may come off as an @$$ sometimes. I just don't want to see others make the same mistakes I did.

[kctiger]

Update:

I am continuing to move forward with this the best I can and trying help others along the way. I hope I've helped some, even though I may come off as an @$$ sometimes. I just don't want to see others make the same mistakes I did.

Sometimes the best therapy to sorrow is through helping others. I know I come off looking like an a$$ sometimes, and I think that is because it is hard for me to sit back and watch people make the same ignorant mistakes I did... you are the same way. You have come a long way, and you are for sure better off going through this. Days get easier, day after day... I am happy for you, and proud of your progress. Although the skies aren't completely free of clouds, at least you know that the sun is starting to peak through!

Thanks to you, as you have helped me, and a lot of others on this site! I wish you continued luck in this process! You will get the happiness you seek! Have a great weekend buddy!

Carry on... :cool:

[jmw0713]

So it's been a few months since I updated my story.

Well over the past few months, I've been doing really well. I continue to go out with friends, have fun, go on trips, and go to the gym. I have recently started to become interested in some of the things I was into before my world got flipped upside down. I can't say that this whole time I followed strict NC with my ex, but the amount of communication we have had in the past 5 months has been minimal. I think I talked to her 3 times in that time. Each time I handled it WAY better than I thought... although I know I still have feelings.

A friend of mine was getting a big group of us together to go to an Orioles game. I told him that I was in as soon as he mentioned it. (Baseball is one of my favorite sports even though the Orioles suck) Apparently over the course of last week, some people backed out and he ended up inviting my ex... :rolleyes: I had NO idea she was coming.

Cut to last night... I meet up with everyone at the bar right outside the stadium. I'm standing there talking to my friend, who got the tickets, and I see my ex standing right behind him talking with some other people. My stomach dropped!:eek: I told my buddy that I didn't know that he invited her. He apologized, because he knows the situation. I told him not to worry about it.

I could have not said anything to her, and avoided her, but I sucked it up and made the first move. I said "Hi" and gave her a hug. We were talking and we were both glad to see each other. When we all went inside to get our seats, she was sitting in the row below me in a seat right in front of mine. So, through out the whole game we talked.

I can't say that I didn't enjoy talking to her. I was nice to find out about her family and some other things. I handled the situation WAY better than I ever thought I would. I could have easily went off and acted like an a-hole... but I didn't. I definitely learned something about myself last night. So she txted me later after the game asking for direction to a particular restaurant. I called her back and told her, and also told her it was great seeing her again. She then brought up the whole being friends thing. I told her it was hard to be friends because of the relationship we had before. She understood.

After seeing her... I now have "fresh" memories of things. It's a little hard to deal with, especially today, but it's not as bad as I thought it would be. I can't say I got knocked back to square one. I'm not going to say that I don't feel anything either, but I now know what it will be like if I ever see her out.

It's funny, my buddy came up from VA this weekend. I brought him, his girl, and his younger sister to the game with me. His younger sister is 12 years old, and she has the street smarts of someone my age. The whole game she kept telling my to stop flirting with my ex and pay attention to the game. After the game, she told me that it looked like that my ex still liked me. I told her that if things were different, I might actually believe that... Kid's are great. They don't over rationalize things. They always see things through innocent eyes and can really shed some insight on certain things. They take the simplest approach and make decisions based on the details at hand. I think as adults, we loose that ability and tend to over evaluate things. Sometimes I think its good look inside to our inner 12 year old and see things in a simpler light.

WOW... what a week!! :p

[talaniman]

I have to applaud you on the way you handled yourself in this situation, and coped with your own feelings in such a positive way. Well done.

Sept 17, 2008, 03:04 PM - first post.

Today, 10:08 AM - 6/14/09

These are not the same person.

[jmw0713]

Thanks Tal for all of your help, and everyone else who helped me along the way. You are right! Now that I read back through this, I can see the way I've changed and how I've gone from some one who has felt completely dejected and hopeless, to a person who IS incharge of his life and his emotions.

I've learned so much about myself over the last few months, that many things that used to bother me don't anymore. This is life and things change... we have to learn how to deal with things the best we can.

THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO HAS HELPED ME ALONG THE WAY!!

[Elousia]

Jmw, bro, you are the fricking man. Dude, letting people follow your story is pretty awesome. And its not even a story, its your life. I am kind of speechless in the fact that the emotions you have went through are so real to everyone who has been in your shoes.
I wish you wouldn't have talked to her or went to the game but with all said and done now I hope you never look her way again.

I have went through such agony these last six months, not counting how bad it was the prior six months to my break up in January.

Your journey has been a turning point in my life, this very moment, you have made someone better who really needed to be inspired.

I pray that you get the best in every area of your life from here on in.

All I can say is wow.


Thanks for letting us follow, let me know when you get married because I'll either send a gift or come down with it.

[jmw0713]

Elousia, I'm glad my story has helped you out. It makes me feel good, that someone else can look to my experience and gain some insight to there own. BTW... It may be a long time before I go the marriage route... LOL. I'll keep you posted if it happens.:D

I just re-read the thread again. I can still remember feel what it was like for me back than and what it is like for me now. I've realized how far I have come from the person I was a few months back and it is amazing. Back then, I never thought I would get to the point of being myself and living my life, but I have!

I hope more people like you will read my story and realize, after a few months, things DO get better. I'm not going to say that I'm 100% back to normal, but I'm WAY better off now than I was!

Elousia, just keep moving forward and doing things you enjoy. I will say the three biggest things that helped me through this struggle have been:

1. This website
2. Going to the gym and martial arts class
3. Not turning down ANY social invitations

This is how you distract yourself, have fun, and live life. Be spontaneous and do something for yourself that you have never done before. It's awesome and the memories you will get from that will last forever.

To anyone else who has been following this, keep you head up high and challenge yourself to get over this minor bump in your life. Life is so much more than girlfriends and boyfriends. Life is about having fun and doing things that make you feel proud and happy about yourself. It's about the relationships that form and relationships that fall. We all learn from each of them and get stronger after each bump and turn our road of life takes.

If you are reading this and you feel like your world is crashing down, remember that there will be a point when you get out of the rut and can start enjoying what you have. It will not happen right away, but it will happen. It will not be easy or painless, but once you get through it, you WILL be stronger!

[kctiger]

Had to spread the rep JMW, but I am proud of you and I am happy for you! Keep on going man!

There is a movie called the "Yes Man" that I would recommend for those going through a rough breakup. It is about creating chances in life to experience new things, and open doors that you automatically shut when you are stuck in a depressed attitude.

[jmw0713]

Thanks KC! Hey, you have come along immensely on your journey too. Congratulations!

This site, and the people on it, have helped so much. I am so glad I stumbled upon it when I did. The advice I received her is priceless. I could have easily went out and bought one of the "get my ex back" books. I'm glad I didn't and chose to follow the advice here. The difference between the advice here and the advice in the books is unmeasurable.

Here, you get advice and support from multiple people who have been through, or are experiencing, every type of situation imaginable (each being unique, but similar).

In the books, you get advice from only one or two people, who claim to be experts, who are capitalizing on people's emotional pain, with advice that 9 times out of 10 will not work.

I'm glad I saved my money and stuck it out with the help from everyone here!

[Justwantfair]

The advice from the 'Get them back' books, doesn't rectify the problem. They just promote continuing the dysfuction.

The advice here builds you back up and is by far the best advice around. You come out a better person then you were.

Great progress, by the way, JMW.

[jmw0713]

Time for an update...

Well, unfortunately my saga continues. I was doing really well over the summer. Then about two months ago my ex calls me. At this point I can't remember why, but she did, and we started talking again. We would talk about 2-3 times a week. I even got to the point of hanging out with her a few times... I should have known that the reason why she was talking to me was the fact that she was lonely after breaking up with the guy she left me for. Anyway all of this was a huge mistake on my part. Insert adjectives to describe me in this situation (emotional tampon, security blanket, second fiddle, love sick puppy, crumb catcher... whatever).

I fell into the trap of false hope and believing I could be friends with her. This was all a sham. I came to realize this on Halloween night. I didn't have any plans, and her and her friend (a friend of mine as well) were going out. I should have stuck to not having any plans. We all went out and basically I subjected myself to the painful experience of watching her moving on. It was absolutely horrible. I did all of this against my better judgment. I won't even go into details about the prior weeks and what I heard and did.

After subjecting myself to all of this, I made the decision to end all of this myself, once and for all. I don't know if I mentioned how everything was before this, but she would periodically call me to "see how I was". Usually that was her excuse to talk to me when she needed something. I've come to realize this all now, months later than I should have. So I drive her and her friend home (I was DD). After her friend left the car, I told my ex to never call or text me again. I told her that the I thought I could have been friends with her, but after noticing the feelings I still had for her and watching her dance and flirt with other guys, I had to end this for both of us. I was feeling awkward and hurt when she was flirting or whatever, and she felt awkward when I was doing the same. I told her that for the benefit of both of us, we have to truly split paths, instead of pretending we did. She thought I was angry at her and I told her I wasn't. She has to live her life with any complications from my end. I told her part of that life is meeting new people and hopefully finding someone who will be good to her and treat her with respect (something she has not found since leaving me). I told her I'm trapped in a place where my feelings for her are holding me back from living my life and that contacting her at all is detrimental to any progress I have made so far.

I told her that I love her and wish her the best and hope she finds someone who will respect and treat her well. She told me that she hopes I find someone who really appreciates me and is better for me than her. I gave her a hug and drove away...

That's how this chapter of my life ends. All the progress that I made almost feels like it is gone. However, I definitely learned a valuable lesson from this that I would not have learned better any other way. I believe that I am stronger and more aware of myself and am better able to judge what other people are looking for when I meet them. However, with the positives come the negetives... this has been the hardest experience for me. The thoughts of losing someone close to me have come back. I am also second guessing my decision somewhat, but only time will tell if it was ultimately the right choice. For me right now, I know it is, unless I was to have a pseudo-friendship with her. That would not be fair to either of us. I now know why they say, the best teacher in life is experiencing life itself... the good, the bad, the mistakes and the successes.

Now I'm left dealing with the hang over... I hope it doesn't last very long.

[talaniman]

Naw, I think after learning your lesson, you will be more focused on what you need, and won't fall for that just checking line again. The good news is after you recognized your own feelings, you acted appropriately for yourself.

[jmw0713]

No I certainly won't. I finally know how I have to proceed, which I should have done so long ago. I just sucks that I've essentially wasted the last year of my life spinning my wheels and not moving on. I'm finally ready. I've shut and locked this door and am looking forward to the next one that opens down the hall.

I'll tell you one thing, I am NOT going to be such a push over anymore. I am going to stick up for myself and not let anyone control me or any decisions I make. I've become more of a man in the last week than I have my whole life, because I finally did something that was good for myself instead of suffering and taking hits for the good of others. I've realized that this is not the way to live. I've lived my whole life like this. It's time that I finally stand up for myself and get what I deserve!

[Imabadman]

Great story buddy. Man... a whole year of living and learning.

[jmw0713]

Yea... Hopefully my story will help others avoid the mistakes that I made. Time after time, people give out advice on here and no one listens. I didn't even listen to myself. Sometimes some people have to learn the hard way. I am one of those people.

[vanheart]

Ya know jmw,

I was thinking tonight about how the dumper cuts the cord clean. That's what they want, however they planned or did it.

The dumpee now has to spend time and will, severing the same tie and cuts away until its 2 parts again. That's healing.

Its all up to how fast & whatever methods work to get there.

But the result, if you work hard is awareness and true self love.

I say this because I am at that severing point.

Cheers,
Van