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Cher13 · Oct 16, 2007, 12:12 PM

K I'm a little conffused about how no contact is suppsoto work, I have just a few qestions if anyone can help answer them it would be a huge help to me... Thanks!

1. does no contact mean not talking to them even if they try to contact you after a while?
Or does it mean not talking to them Until they contact you?

2. do people use no contact as a way to forget and move on or to get the other person to miss you and what not?

3. and finally, does no contact help or hurt your chances of getting back together with the peron(if that's what your trying to acomplish)

little firefly · Oct 16, 2007, 02:24 PM

To me, no contact means not talking to them until they possibly contact you first. My ex-BF broke up with me earlier this year and to be honest doing the no contact thing has been hard on me. I've been using it as a way to get over him, but I can't help but hope that it will make him miss me in some way (he has a new girlfriend so I know I'm fooling myself). As far as it helping or hurting the chance to get back together, I guess it all depends on how strong the relationship had been and how close the two people involved were as a couple. I hope this helps some.

aaii · Oct 16, 2007, 02:32 PM

Hey Cher13

1. It generally means no contact until they contact you. When they do, its your choice whether you want to respond or not.

2. Both. People use it as a way to forget their past AND as an attempt to make the other person miss you. Hopefully with you not around, they will miss you. No contact creates a lot of curiosity making them wonder "what are they doing right now? why aren't they trying to contact me? why are they taking this so well?" Curiosity is compelling and they may well contact you just simply to snoop on what your up to, even if they have no intention of getting back with you.

3. Well it can swing both ways. As a general rule I think no contact is extremely powerful, and it normally helps. When you stick around they know they can have you whenever they want. People want what can't have -- its human nature. They WANT attention. They WANT you to contact them. When you stop, it's a kick in the teeth, and they crave that attention again. You don't know what you have until you have lost it.

Take care

s_cianci · Oct 16, 2007, 02:44 PM

1. does no contact mean not talking to them even if they try to contact you after a while?
Or does it mean not talking to them Until they contact you?

Well, it certainly means not talking to them of your own accord, and it also means taking your sweet ol' time getting back to them if they contact you and even then keeping it short and sweet.

2. do people use no contact as a way to forget and move on or to get the other person to miss you and what not?

It sometimes can have the effect of making the other person miss you but generally it's used as a way to forget and move on.

3

. And finally, does no contact help or hurt your chances of getting back together with the person(if that's what your trying to acomplish)

No contact isn't a tool for getting back together with the person. But your chances are better if you do NC then if you are constantly calling or texting them and bugging them all the time. If they broke up with you, you may feel that you want to get back together with them but remember, it's broke for a reason. Maybe you weren't unhappy in the relationship (at least not yet) but if the other person broke up with you then obviously they were. That being the case, there really isn't much you can do to "fix" the problem. Often two people just aren't compatible with each other and that's that. It's not that there's anything wrong with you or them, you just aren't right for each other. It really isn't fair or reasonable for you to have to "change" who you are so that the other person can be happy with you when they weren't previously. You just need to be who you are and seek out others who will accept you for who and what you are. If you do decide on a little "self-improvement" that's fine but do it for yourself, not to impress someone else.

Cher13 · Oct 20, 2007, 09:03 PM

Is it better to be with the person you love but have a lot of trust issues with or just move on? I'm so conffused right now I love my boyfriend more then anything and everything in the world but a lot has happened where I find it hard to trust him or find myself always questioning to myself what he tells me, I want to be with him he makes me happyer then I'v ever been when he's around but am I ever going to get over these trust issues or should I just try to move on even know it would kill me?

Wondergirl · Oct 20, 2007, 09:12 PM

Are you having trouble trusting him because of him or because of you?

needofhelp · Oct 20, 2007, 09:31 PM

Wondergirl brings up a good point. Do you know what is causing you to distrust him? Has he done anything to validate your concerns? Or is there something from your past that makes it hard for you trust him?

You're happy with him for a reason right?

jeffatl · Oct 20, 2007, 11:24 PM

I always felt that if there is a true reason for mistrust it is best to move on (if possible). Trust is HUGE in a relationship, I would say #1. If you have no trust... and a VALID reason (not just insecurity) move on... I think its best for BOTH of you.

needofhelp · Oct 21, 2007, 01:39 AM

I agree with jeffatl. Trust is a huge foundation for a relationship. If he's causing it, and you explained that it bothers you, and he continues doing it, you have to do what's best for yourself.

statictable · Oct 21, 2007, 02:59 AM

What you see is what you get. If there were NO trust issues he'd probably not be quite the guy you love so much. The dynamic is based on his actions in your presence. His actions are products of his behavior and what he achieves in response to his behavior. If you change that behavior you'll no longer have the same feelings for him as you now state. Find another you can trust. Trust will outweigh the other by 10 fold but there are people who will never know the difference; their eyes work but their blind and their life will be spent that way.

LivingtheLifeinFLA · Oct 21, 2007, 06:18 AM

Wondergirls question has to be answered first.

Cher - Is it your insecurities or has he given you reason?

Kia · Oct 21, 2007, 12:01 PM

What if you try to use the NC rule & don't call while you are trying to get over the person, but the person reurfaces and calls repeatedly; mind you are not totally over them. Basically they give you the impression that they ,miss you and "really need to talk", but when you see them nothing has changed?
But you never really get a chance to get over them, and keep thinking "what if" one of the calls could have been sincere, and you ignored it because of all the other times when they resurfaced it didn't mean anything?

stonewilder · Oct 21, 2007, 12:16 PM

No contact just sounds like a silly, immature game people play to some how get the upper hand or try to hurt someone. I just don't get it at all.

MissingHim2Much · Oct 21, 2007, 01:58 PM

Originally Posted by stonewilder

No contact just sounds like a silly, immature game people play to some how get the upper hand or try to hurt someone. I just don't get it at all.

I don't use No Contact as a game. I use it to hold on to my sanity. My heart couldn't take it if I called and had to hear how happy he is in his new life. I'd be crushed and trust me I've been crushed enough by this man. I can't say that I don't hope he misses me because I do. We had a strong close bond for many years so not hearing my voice everyday must effect him in someway, so if that causes him to contact me I don't see it as a game I see it as me backing off so he can realize what was really important in his life.

needofhelp · Oct 21, 2007, 03:31 PM

Originally Posted by little firefly

As far as it helping or hurting the chance to get back together, i guess it all depends on how strong the relationship had been and how close the two people involved were as a couple. I hope this helps some.

When she broke up with me after 2 years, the first couple of days, she said that she missed me, but said that we should not get back together because its only been 2 days and that I will get better. To me it sounded as if she was fighting her feelings and hoping that any feelings she had for me will fade away. That really hurt. Since then we have had NC except in class.

I understand that the NC is a way for both people to heal and allowing the other person to miss you since you are not always there like before. Does this possibly hurt any chances of getting back together by giving the appearance that I am over her and moved on? Does this help her move on, since she is trying to fight any feelings she may have?

I may feel like I am digressing and moving backwards, but I am completely at a loss and my concentration/focus is completely shot. I have even wondered if I should contact her close friend, who is also heart broken after having lost her boyfriend. I thought maybe she would relate to me and be able to give me some insight as to what my ex is feeling. I know this is not a good option to do, but I've lost it.

Homegirl 50 · Oct 21, 2007, 03:33 PM

IMO NC means just that. No contact period. You use t when you are trying to get over a person, so the thought that it would help that person miss you and maybe come back to you is kind of silly. That kind of defeats the purpose.

HaRLoS · Oct 21, 2007, 04:18 PM

I'm having the same problem. But in my case it was what my boyfriend make me did that affected my trust for him. We are still together. He is trying to earn it back.. its takes A lot of work. From both of you.. can't exspect him to earn back trust if you won't give him a chance to right?

But if you love him you should at least give him the chance to earn his trust(if he made you not trust him)

If its you that can't trust because of the past, trust him until he gives you a reason not to!

GOOD LUCK!

statictable · Oct 21, 2007, 04:55 PM

CHER!! Can you hear us?

stonewilder · Oct 21, 2007, 07:06 PM

Originally Posted by MissingHim2Much

I don't use No Contact as a game. I use it to hold on to my sanity. My heart couldn't take it if I called and had to hear how happy he is in his new life. I'd be crushed and trust me i've been crushed enough by this man. I can't say that I don't hope he misses me because I do. We had a strong close bond for many years so not hearing my voice everyday must effect him in someway, so if that causes him to contact me I don't see it as a game I see it as me backing off so he can realize what was really important in his life.

I do get that part of it and I’ve done that as well. I’m just always seeing here where people are talking rules of no contact, how to use it to get someone back, etc. What I don’t get is why so many people have questions about it. It’s not about the other person …it’s about you and trying to move on but so many seem to try to make it some kind of a mind game. That part I don’t get.

Cher13 · Oct 21, 2007, 07:14 PM

Yes, the trust issues are because of him, I think I'm way to trusting, then I found out he had a one night stand(a few weeks before we met) and had a kid!! And didn't tell me,I found out by the mother AFTER the kid was born, he only found out 3 months before his son was born though and said he didn't want to tell me cause he didn't want to lose me but ever sense then I'm soooooo confused!