[kp2171]

Hon,

It takes work and sometimes its not enough. I've had three "loves of my life"... two ended badly. First one was 7 years (but I was young), second was two years (but bad timing)... third is my wife of 8 years now, 10 years together.

Let yourself be a little jaded. It'll help you get over him. Then, at some point, that gets boring as hell and you try again.

And sometimes again, and again, and again.

It isn't wrong that you can have a special connection with a great person, and that it falls apart. Like I said I've had at least two relationships come apart largely because of "bad timing"...

The older I got, the more I understood what I really needed... yeah, its tough being patient, and boring to be alone, but the heartache lets you understand what you need, if you look at it with the right perspective.

Sure... by the time I met my wife I didn't have puppy love eyes anymore. I had some emotional baggage. I had a past to deal with. I had to get over some fears. OK.

Those were all things that, once past, helped form a strong relationship.

You get kicked in the teeth sometimes. Get up. Its worth it.

You don't have to be happy about having to sludge through the worries and frets of finding another relationship... most of the time when I tried hard to find one I didn't find anything... it was always feast or famine... I went over a year and a half without seeing anyone I was interested in.

Then suddenly, poof, there were three girls I liked who were interested in me and I had to chose. I know, poor baby.

So... it hurts. It sucks. You're mortal. Me too.

It gets better in time, and you keep on trying until something sticks. Most people have to try and try and try before something right really is right.

[vivia12]

I appreciate your thorough insight K2171, and its very inspiring that you finally found love after unsuccessful ones. Seems as if that's other people's story not mine.
Have to say, it was very tough for me to recover from this one, you don't know how many posts I read or anything thast had to do with getting an ex back. I really wanted him back,part of me still do somewhere in the future I always think it will happen. I knowits silly,but another part of me says,why so you can get kicked in the teeth again?Since he found someone wanted it to be a race and find someone too, at least I won't feel rejected. This whole relationship or half of relationship was really effecting myself esteem. L felt he had all the power because he didn't want me and could easily walk away. And now he gets the happy ending while I pick up the pieces? Sorry sound bitter,just working through this,but I can say I am truly afraid of getting kicked again

[mysto]

No!!

[disneygirl7]

My ex emailed me this past Monday after NC for 3 months. She told me she never wanted to hear from me again last September and I kept to that. My situation is a little different because it was a lesbian relationship (my first one) that I was in for 2 years when she left me for someone else last July. She is still with this person that she is “totally in love” with according to her my space. I checked it on Monday to see if they were still together before I decided if I would email her back. I wasn’t going to but after a day of thinking about it I did and I told her to lose my email and any other way of contacting me because I don’t need her to complicate my life anymore.

I also thought she was the one for me, and we were going to be together forever. I also met her right after she left her other girlfriend. I don’t understand why she contacted me but I don’t want to get caught up in false hope anymore. I told her that she choose to leave me and I would respect now that she leave me alone so I can move on. I still have feelings for her so talking to her would not do me any good, because I will always want more and not find happiness elsewhere. If you still have feelings for him like I do for her I don’t think it’s healthy to stay in touch. It hurts to know they are with someone I really don’t want to pretend that is doesn’t bother me when it does

[gigi doug]

I know exactly what you're going through!In my opinion you should not be friends with him, completely cut him out of your life.Act as though he is dead to you. That is what I'm going to do from now on. How many times are you going to allow this person to walk all over you?If he was worth it he would have never broken up with you in the first place! It might sound harsh but you don't owe him anything the sooner you get him out of your life the sooner all this heartache can stop and you can find someone better. Trust me I know how you are feeling! You think there will be no one better and that maybe if you hang around he will realise that he's made a mistake by letting you go but honestly how long are you willing to wait for him because I assure you until you are waiting you will not find someone better because you won't even give other guys a fair chance. Before I was with my ex I went out with a wonderful guy for many years and unfortunately it didn't work out but it gives you hope that there will be someone better because honey there will be!Before you know it!Just think how awesome your going to feel knowing that he has no power over you anymore I bet he will feel like sh* then!My break up is really recent and if you read my posts you'll see that I was hoping that he will see the light and fell for the flirting etc only to be told that its not going to happen and once again I find myself in this same crappy situation but honestly I have decided to take control. You just have to say enough is enough, don't let any man have such an impact on your life!

[vivia12]

I know exactly what you're going through!In my opinion you should not be friends with him, completely cut him out of your life.Act as though he is dead to you. That is what I'm going to do from now on. How many times are you going to allow this person to walk all over you?If he was worth it he would have never broken up with you in the first place! It might sound harsh but you dont owe him anything the sooner you get him out of your life the sooner all this heartache can stop and you can find someone better. Trust me I know how you are feeling! you think there will be no one better and that maybe if you hang around he will realise that he's made a mistake by letting you go but honestly how long are you willing to wait for him because I assure you until you are waiting you will not find someone better because you wont even give other guys a fair chance. Before I was with my ex I went out with a wonderful guy for many years and unfortunately it didnt work out but it gives you hope that there will be someone better because honey there will be!Before you know it!Just think how awesome your going to feel knowing that he has no power over you anymore I bet he will feel like sh* then!My break up is really recent and if you read my posts you'll see that I was hoping that he will see the light and fell for the flirting etc only to be told that its not going to happen and once again I find myself in this same crappy situation but honestly I have decided to take control. You just have to say enough is enough, dont let any man have such an impact on your life!!

Thanks Disney and G,it hirts and I hate longing for him,talking to him brought back the same old feelings and now I have to see a therapist again. How is it so easy for seomeone to have such an impact like this? And he just moves on

[talaniman]

Glad you have chosen to do that which protects you, we all know how hard it was. It will get better.

[Maggie83]

viva, id walk away from this guy he's chosen someone else... you will pine for him and you will be confused for a while but if you stay there your doing two things:

1) Hurting yourself by being his friend your just going to be confused and sad
2) Make it easy for him. Your giving him the best of both worlds.. he can date other women and have you to lean on when he needs you!

Let this one go.. it will be terribly hard I know, a lot of us are there right now but you aren't going to get better in your current situation. Call/text/email him and say I respect your decision to leave and now respect mine to not be in touch because it hurts too much.. he'll either understand or get angry but you have to do it. Then try your very best to forget him and move on.

Ive told my ex twice I can't be friends with her and I'm now trying my very best to stick to N/C... you should do the same!

[vivia12]

viva, id walk away from this guy he's chosen someone else....you will pine for him and you will be confused for a while but if you stay there your doing two things:

1) Hurting yourself by being his friend your just gonna be confused and sad
2) Make it easy for him. your giving him the best of both worlds..he can date other women and have you to lean on when he needs you!!

Let this one go..it will be terribly hard i know, alot of us are there right now but you arent gonna get better in your current situation. call/text/email him and say i respect your decision to leave and now respect mine to not be in touch because it hurts too much..he'll either understand or get angry but you have to do it. then try your very best to forget him and move on.

Ive told my ex twice i can't be friends with her and im now trying my very best to stick to N/C...you should do the same!!

Thanks for replying to my post Maggie, I told him that I'm not ready to be friends,but didn't tell him never to call, I know that's my mistake, I just wasn't ready to do that,but I canot keep in touch with someone who obviously didn't think I was good enough for them, can't do it, Cant!

[Questions2007]

In my case,I was wondring, i had to tell the ex,who broke up w/ me last summer,and who calls and wants to stay friends that I couldnt do it, i finally did that after six months of pretending to be friends while he dated someone else,while I wait for whatever scraps he threw my way basically. I was following the NC rule for almost two months, but broke it several times, responding to his 'where are you,what happened to you' inquiring calls by emailing letting him know i'm doing fine and wishing him Joyful Holiday season(,which i really didnt mean, lthe lesser of two evils) . I was trying to avoid his calls,yes i'm chicken i shouldve told him not to call but do you actually announce NC? The thing he said something real hurtful the last time we interacted that made me realize to stay away from him. Now that i left him alone that made him more curious, which was not my intention,i just wasnt there waiting for his scraps anymore and having false hope.. he'd send mix msgs flirting with me acting like he wants me but then he's avoid me,giving me the cold shoulder. This went on for 6 months. i was doing great on partial NC it seems but now that i finally gave him spoke to him not to long ago, the pain restarted again and i finally told him i couldnt be friends,i'm not ready its not working for me. Did anyone had to do this? is it the right thing? I still want him back,help.

It is absolutely right to tell the dumper you do not want friendship. They dumped you. You were not good enough to be their partner, why would you be good enough to be their friend?

His motives on attempting to maintain a friendship are entirely selfish. He may not even relaise he is being selfish.

If you are "friends" he gets to maintain a relationship with you on his terms. That helps him to ease his guilt about ending the relationship and also allows him to have a back up. Again, he may not realise his motives are selfish, but that is the net effect.

If you still want to be with him then it will be an uneven friendship.

Tell him your feelings. If you want to try again tell him that. If he is not interested then you need to commence strict no contact, no exceptions. Tell him the reason you are doing that, so you can move on and heal. It is not fair on you to be kept around with no interest from him, that is not healthy.

[vivia12]

It is absolutely right to tell the dumper you do not want friendship. They dumped you. You were not good enought to be their partner, why would you be good enough to be their friend??

His motives on attempting to maintain a friendship are entirely selfish. He may not even relaise he is being selfish.

If you are "friends" he gets to maintain a relationship with you on his terms. That helps him to ease his guilt about ending the relationship and also allows him to have a back up. Again, he may not realise his motives are selfish, but that is the net effect.

If you still want to be with him then it will be an uneven friendship.

Tell him your feelings. If you want to try again tell him that. If he is not interested then you need to commence strict no contact, no exceptions. Tell him the reason you are doing that, so you can move on and heal. It is not fair on you to be kept around with no interest from him, that is not healthy.

Everything you said is head on,I did the friendship thing for a good while and it was entirely on his terms,he was getting the benefit of me always being there while he gets to run around with someone else and I get nothing. Whenever he makes the time to call,I can hear that smug satisfied,'man, did I get laid real good last night' in his voice,even when he didn't say anything.I hated it,hated keeping that false front that I'm okay with this crumbs of friendship, when I'm not. Couldn't do that anymore and I told him that it didn't work for me. All this could have been avoided,when he first rejected me to do NC, BTU you do live and learn. I'm going to print your answer as well as everyone else's feel free to add more opinions,it helps tremendously:)

[Questions2007]

Everything you said is head on,I did the friendship thing for a good while and it was entirely on his terms,he was getting the benefit of me always being there while he gets to run around with someone else and I get nothing. Whenever he makes the time to call,i can hear that smug satisfied,'man, did I get laid real good last night' in his voice,even when he didnt say anything.I hated it,hated keeping that false front that i'm okay with this crumbs of friendship, when i'm not. Couldnt do that anymore and i told him that it didnt work for me. All this could have been avoided,when he first rejected me to do NC, btu you do live and learn. I'm going to print your answer as well as everyone elses feel free to add more opinions,it helps tremendously:)

That is exaclty it. I am sure that if you continue with this "friendship" on his terms, by the time he is back on his feet and totally over you, the friendship that he was so concerned about will be worthless and he will not be interested. That is not genuine friendship.

Put yourself first.

[Matteus]

In my case,I was wondring, i had to tell the ex,who broke up w/ me last summer,and who calls and wants to stay friends that I couldnt do it, i finally did that after six months of pretending to be friends while he dated someone else,while I wait for whatever scraps he threw my way basically. I was following the NC rule for almost two months, but broke it several times, responding to his 'where are you,what happened to you' inquiring calls by emailing letting him know i'm doing fine and wishing him Joyful Holiday season(,which i really didnt mean, lthe lesser of two evils) . I was trying to avoid his calls,yes i'm chicken i shouldve told him not to call but do you actually announce NC? The thing he said something real hurtful the last time we interacted that made me realize to stay away from him. Now that i left him alone that made him more curious, which was not my intention,i just wasnt there waiting for his scraps anymore and having false hope.. he'd send mix msgs flirting with me acting like he wants me but then he's avoid me,giving me the cold shoulder. This went on for 6 months. i was doing great on partial NC it seems but now that i finally gave him spoke to him not to long ago, the pain restarted again and i finally told him i couldnt be friends,i'm not ready its not working for me. Did anyone had to do this? is it the right thing? I still want him back,help.

The dumper and the dumpee. Always the cat and the mice game. In all this game, the only confused one, is the dumpee. The dumpee always makes questions, wonders what if, tries to bring the ex back, cries, stalks, write letters, worries about the ex and her life, tries to interpret the dumper´s actions and give the dumper´s words another connotation and interpreting as his mind wants, lives with illusions and the fantasm of his past, hurts himself even more with things like Friendship (hypocritical as hell), never understands why in reality the dumper left, and never ever tries to get something as an experience from all what happened. The dumper knows absolutely everything what he is doing and how his reactions or actions will influence the dumpee´s life and make the dumpee live in a living hell. The dumper also goes to a point where all her reactions, words she said, whatever she did, will be justified and there is only one phrase the dumpee will hear: "im sorry, you missunderstood everything, i was trying to act only as a friend, and im sorry if i gave you false hopes". Now her reactions are justified and she can play as long as she can with this thing of Friendship and this status quo. And the dumpee dies another time. This time for real. He was "ok" with being friends, in fact as a way to get the ex back (and the ex knew it already, since the day the dumpee said OK to her absurde willing to be friends), but even that way, the ex didn't wanted back. It's the time when the dumpee has no more nerves waiting around for the ex to come back. Is the time when he understands that he can't bring back, or better to say, the ex doesn't want to come back (although there are dumpees who still think "maybe she will change the mind"), and he gets nervous, angry with the ex, hates the ex to the point where he doesn't want to talk to her anymore, etc. He doesn't want to hear from the dumper anymore. He doestn want her friendship, her contact, nothing more. And know why? Again, because the dumper didn't wanted to come back. All this just happens because of the dumpee. Instead of just letting go, as the dumper wanted to go out absolutely at her own, and for her, the relation was not worth anymore (the dumpee doesn't take it in consideration), like it was for the dumpee, he does everything to bring her back in a place where she doesn't want to come. The dumpee will never make this question to himself ´why did she dumped me´. From that question we will give ourself the opportunity to learn from this experience. Was it me, or was it her? If it was me, what can I do? What can I do to be a better person, not what can I do to bring her back, because there is nothing, absolutely nothing you can do to bring someone back. Nor you should try.

[vivia12]

Very interesting,well this was an LDR,and they really don't work not trying gto get him back anymore,I know better. You make it seem like the dumper has the upper hand,though it may seem that way,they are not. I firmly believe in what goes around comes around. He was once a dumpee too. My thing is what I am starting to see, dumpees,rejectees should all smarten up and do NC,that's what I'm doing and I am not lying, it really helps you heal and reflect tremendoulsy to a point where you say, wow, I like not hurting, it feels good not having this big hole/pain in my chest whenever I wake up in the morning,hmmmm maybe more NC!

[Questions2007]

That is exaclty it. I am sure that if you continue with this "friendship" on his terms, by the time he is back on his feet and totally over you, the friendship that he was so concerned about will be worthless and he will not be interested. That is not genuine friendship.

Put yourself first.

Also bear in mind that by initiating this strict NC you are sending a clear message to him, you will not settle for second best. Whatever happens that can only be positive. You will have the initial turmoil of losing him but that will disappear over time and in the long run you will be much happier, whatever happens.

Maintaining a "friendship" allows him to get over you and heal, at your expense, by breaking away from you slowly. NC allows you to do the healing, without him distracting you.

I know more than anyone, and my timescale is very similar to yours. I allowed my ex to run the "friends" line for nearly 6 months, she was clearly using me, though as with a lot of dumpers, there probably wasn't any malicious intent in it. We spoke about trying again, she said no. I told her we couldn't be in contact anymore.

That was nearly 6 months ago. It demonstrates that I did the right thing. If she was that keen on friendship like she said she certainly wouldn't have let me go that easily. That is not true friendship.

She also did not even contact me on my birthday. Again, a selfishness demonstrated by her behaviour that shows me NC was the best thing.

[Questions2007]

Thanks for replying to my post Maggie, I told him that I'm not ready to be friends,but didnt tell him never to call, I know thats my mistake, i just wasnt ready to do that,but I canot keep in touch with someone who obviously didnt think i was good enough for them, can't do it, Cant!

Also bear in mind that by initiating this strict NC you are sending a clear message to him, you will not settle for second best. Whatever happens that can only be positive. You will have the initial turmoil of losing him but that will disappear over time and in the long run you will be much happier, whatever happens.

Maintaining a "friendship" allows him to get over you and heal, at your expense, by breaking away from you slowly. NC allows you to do the healing, without him distracting you.

I know more than anyone, and my timescale is very similar to yours. I allowed my ex to run the "friends" line for nearly 6 months, she was clearly using me, though as with a lot of dumpers, there probably wasn't any malicious intent in it. We spoke about trying again, she said no. I told her we couldn't be in contact anymore.

That was nearly 6 months ago. It demonstrates that I did the right thing. If she was that keen on friendship like she said she certainly wouldn't have let me go that easily. That is not true friendship.

She also did not even contact me on my birthday. Again, a selfishness demonstrated by her behaviour that shows me NC was the best thing.

[Maggie83]

When you dump someone you care about you don't want them to hurt, you feel sorry for them and guilty you did it... I think that's why a lot of dumpers want to be friends, but unintentionally they make you worse because of false hope. They are selfish they want you there but want the single life or a life with someone else but I'm afraid that's just not possible!

I didn't hear anything from my ex at christmas and to be fair I'm glad I never... a text from her would have just confused and upset me, by the time my birthday comes around (March) I want to be in a position where I won't give her a second thought never mind expect contact.

[vivia12]

Also bear in mind that by initiating this strict NC you are sending a clear message to him, you will not settle for second best. Whatever happens that can only be positive. You will have the initial turmoil of losing him but that will disappear over time and in the long run you will be much happier, whatever happens.

Maintaining a "friendship" allows him to get over you and heal, at your expense, by breaking away from you slowly. NC allows you to do the healing, without him distracting you.

I know more than anyone, and my timescale is very similar to yours. I allowed my ex to run the "friends" line for nearly 6 months, she was clearly using me, though as with a lot of dumpers, there probably wasn't any malicious intent in it. We spoke about trying again, she said no. I told her we couldn't be in contact anymore.

That was nearly 6 months ago. It demonstrates that I did the right thing. If she was that keen on friendship like she said she certainly wouldn't have let me go that easily. That is not true friendship.

She also did not even contact me on my birthday. Again, a selfishness demonstrated by her behaviour that shows me NC was the best thing.

I appreciate the clear insight and experience that you share. Those six months I kept in contact,all he was doing was playing hard to get,never reply to my emails,ignoring me online especially after we had a nice conversation the night before. Said he call but didn't, all I was doing was settling for crumbs. So now I am left picking up the pieces, and he gets the happy ending with a relationship? I'm sure he's not treating whomever he's with the same way, although one of my friends say he probably is. Why would he insist on being friends and start playing hard to get,does all dumpers do this? So it was all on his terms, yorue right its better to lose him because I am feeling much better,he even when he made an excuse to contact me yesterday

[Questions2007]

I appreciate the clear insight and experience that you share. Those six months I kept in contact,all he was doing was playing hard to get,never reply to my emails,ignoring me online especially after we had a nice conversation the night before. said he call but didnt, all i was doing was settling for crumbs. So now i am left picking up the pieces, and he gets teh happy ending with a relationship? I'm sure he's not treating whomever he's with the same way, altho one of my friends say he probably is. Why would he insist on being friends and start playing hard to get,does all dumpers do this? so it was all on his terms, yorue right its better to lose him because i am feeling much better,he even when he made an excuse to contact me yesterday

You should be firmer with the no contact. Tell him it is not a good idea for you to be in touch anymore. Tell him the reason, you are basically like a surrogate to him, he keeps you around to be like a girlfriend when it suits him e.g. for morale support etc. That is not fair on you.

[vivia12]

You should be firmer with the no contact. Tell him it is not a good idea for you to be in touch anymore. Tell him the reason, you are basically like a surrogate to him, he keeps you around to be like a girlfriend when it suits him e.g. for morale support etc. That is not fair on you.

You must be going through somewhat similar situation or how else would you just pinpoint it this way? Now he's finding silly reason to contact me and looks like he wants to restart the game, where I'm the one that alsways loses. If you don't mind me asking ,did your ex string you along also?my thing is he seemed more sincere in his interactions with me before he left and got involved with someone now I feel like its an attention game,my question even if its silly and doesn't matter,is he only treating gme in this manner while he probably treats his girlfriend like a princess? I was nothing but a good friend to him at the beginning when he was going through crisis, its like OK I'm done, now I'm better than you.
Someone told me no once they,dumpers are dishonest they are like that with everyone. Just want your opinion on this? Thanks