[Sarah48375]

I went through what you daughter is going through. Except, it wasn't my grandma telling me stuff it was my mother. My mom had minimal visits when I was young, but when she did, she made sure to tell me as much awful (untrue) stuff about my father as she could. I believed her and inturn hated my father. She would cry, and I would cry. It went on until I was old enough to realize the truth. I know how easy it is for someone to manipulate a child. Give this lady a break!! It's not always the mother!!

[achampio21]

I went through what you daughter is going through. Except, it wasn't my grandma telling me stuff it was my mother. my mom had minimal visits when I was young, but when she did, she made sure to tell me as much awful (untrue) stuff about my father as she could. I believed her and inturn hated my father. She would cry, and I would cry. It went on until I was old enough to realize the truth. I know how easy it is for someone to manipulate a child. Give this lady a break!!! It's not always the mother!!!

Thank you for your reply. I am very sorry about what you went through. I can't imagine what mydaughter thinks sometimes. I am gald you found out the truth.

I was wondering... Did you make amends with your father after you figured it all out?

That is the only thing that I have a heavy heart about, that my daughter will think I am sending her away because I don't love her anymore. And that my mother will prey on that and convince her to hate me. But in reality I am sending her to her dad's BECAUSE I love her. I want her to be happy and to not have the back and forth she has with my mother and I. I don't talk about my mother to my daughter. I don't say mean things about her. I know that my mother doesn't have any power over my daughters real dad. And he has WAY more people avail to stand behind him against her. And way more people to love my little girl when she goes to stay with him. I just don't want her to think I don't love her anymore.

[MsMewiththat]

First I would say not to compare yourself to other women. Two at the age of 8 isn't the point. At what point did you start leaving her alone at night with your boyfriend/husband? IS it possible that your mother isn't as crazy as you say and she notices something in your daughter and is attempting to instill in her the ability to have boundaries and tell if someone is harming her?. and my concern is why wait years to see if her behavior improves or not? If her behavior reverts back to what it has been than I would say she could use some help now. When I say help I'm not referring to medication, I'm referring to additional counseling or some form of testing. If she's fine after she moves over to her fathers house, what is that going to tell you? If she has problems when she moves over there what is that going to tell you? What are you and her father prepared to do if it does get behind something that he is willing to handle? Send her back to you? Do you think that could cause additional problems in her behavior? Giving her the impression that she is a problem is what I believe is part of the problem. Why has she had limited contact with her father?

[Sarah48375]

Actually, My dad is one of my best friends now. He never said anything bad about my mother. You are doing the right thing. Let her figure it out herself. My only concern about sending her to dad's is: Will her protect her? I think that the most important thing for you to do is keep telling her that you love her no matter what. Let her know that you are not giving up on her, and that your home is her home. If you let her know that she can always come home, she'll know you love her. I know that you want it to be for a few years, but she is young. She may figure it out a lot sooner. By keeping the doors open, she will know that you were never going to abandon her. Perhaps when she decides she wants to come home, reinforce the rules and tell her that it's on a trial basis. I don't know. I could be wrong. I'm not a professional. She must always know she's loved. Maybe she feels like she is not a part of any family. She may feel like the odd ball out. You and your husband have a new family, and so does her dad. Where does she fit. She was your first family... Maybe you need to help her find her place? She needs to know how important she is to the family.

[achampio21]

First I would say not to compare yourself to other women.

Yeah, instead you tell me I should get rid of ALL of my kids.

Two at the age of 8 isn't the point. At what point did you start leaving her alone at night with your boyfriend/husband?

My daughter didn't stay alone with my husband until about a year into our relationship. I got pregnant and was working part-time days for the first part of my pregnancy. Then I got laid off. I didn't go back to work until my baby was 2 months old.

IS it possible that your mother isn't as crazy as you say and she notices something in your daughter and is attempting to instill in her the ability to have boundaries and tell if someone is harming her?

Funny that you say that, because my mother has had 2 diff boyfriends just in the past 2 years that my dad has been dead. And they have stayed the night on the first night my daughter met them. But I guess that is okay right? She can interfere in my life but I don't need to know about the "strange" men she has around my daughter. And she also takes 9 diff meds every night before bed. 3 of which she isn't legally allowed to drive while on. But it's okay that she cares for my daughter, even if she doesn't wake up from her drug induced sleep when the house is on fire. But oh yeah, I am so totally sure she is just concerned about my daughters safety only when she is with me. Of course. :rolleyes:

...and my concern is why wait years to see if her behavior improves or not? If her behavior reverts back to what it has been than I would say she could use some help now. When I say help I'm not referring to medication, I'm referring to additional counseling or some form of testing.

She goes to a counselor now. And that will continue even after she moves in with her dad. But as far as drugging her because her issues are medical and not emotional, that is a last resort for us.

If she's fine after she moves over to her fathers house, what is that going to tell you?

That I made the right decision

If she has problems when she moves over there what is that going to tell you?

That we need to keep looking for a way to help her.

What are you and her father prepared to do if it does get behind something that he is willing to handle? Send her back to you? Do you think that could cause additional problems in her behavior?

We have agreed that sending her back to me will only happen in the event of his death. But I will continue to be an influence in her life while she is with him.

Giving her the impression that she is a problem is what I beleive is part of the problem.

No one has led her to believe that she is ANY of the problem. I told her that I am letting her go live with her dad because it's what she wants and I think it will be better for her to be surrounded by the rest of her family on a more regular basis instead of just once or twice a month. She wants to be around them more often also.

Why has she had limited contact with her father?

He owns his own business and due to our conflicting schedules has only got to visit once or twice a month. And sometimes only every other month.

[achampio21]

Actually, My dad is one of my best friends now. He never said anything bad about my mother. You are doing the right thing. Let her figure it out herself. My only concern about sending her to dad's is: Will her protect her? I think that the most important thing for you to do is keep telling her that you love her no matter what. Let her know that you are not giving up on her, and that your home is her home. If you let her know that she can always come home, she'll know you love her. I know that you want it to be for a few years, but she is young. She may figure it out a lot sooner. By keeping the doors open, she will know that you were never going to abandon her. Perhaps when she decides she wants to come home, reinforce the rules and tell her that it's on a trial basis. I don't know. I could be wrong. I'm not a professional. She must always know she's loved. Maybe she feels like she is not a part of any family. She may feel like the odd ball out. you and your husband have a new family, and so does her dad. Where does she fit. She was your first family.... Maybe you need to help her find her place? She needs to know how important she is to the family.

WOW! That is exactly what I was thinking she was feeling! That is why I have decided to let her go to her dad's. Because she wants him to "accept" her. And by letting her move in he is "accepting" her. (And yes, he will protect her and fight for her just like I have) So that is why I thought it would be good for her to go to him. And then like you said, just make she knows that I will always love her.

Now, I won't let her go back and forth. Because at her age she will want to come home every time she doesn't get her way. And it costs a lot of money to change the paperwork. But I will tell her that she can come and visit anytime she wants, but that she has to go back to her dad's. I figure that way she knows she is always welcome here but know that there are still rules and she can't run from mom to dad every time she gets in trouble or doesn't get her way.

[tolerance]

To the a21, stop entertaining other people. You keep doing what you and let you child keep seeing he counselor. Sometimes you have to ignore people. Okay! Sooner or later your child will change. Focus on the future instead of the past. Visualize your daughter changing and she will, oneday. Just stay strong and go enroll in a parent support group, your be surpise on the support your get and mothers that walked in your shoes.

[MsMewiththat]

I'll tell you what's not so funny and that is that you allow your daughter to be around those men in your mother's home, any possibility that any of them have over step there boundaries with this little girl while your mother was in this drug induced sleep? Is the man in your home... boyfriend, fiancée or husband, you have written all three..

[MsMewiththat]

You and I are going to have to agree to disagree. We obviously have very different parenting styles. You wrote for advise because you needed it. I don't have these types of problems and thought that maybe I could advise on what I saw as ways to correct some of the behavior. I simply have pointed out a few things that I have learned can be cause for behavioral issues in children. You have stated some different things that I have highlighted to be major red flags for me. That was what the comment meant about seeing the forest between the trees. I don't presume you to be an idiot or a bad parent. I do however think that there is some help that is needed and it shouldn't always be put off on your daughter. Don't forget that you have written some really wild stuff about her behavior. For example... "My daughter just recently was caught with her hand over my littliest one's mouth and nose. I removed her hand, picked up the baby, and asked her calmly what she was doing. She stated, "I wanted to hear this show and he was crying and being annoying." I was shocked. I asked her is she realized that she could kill him doing that, and she responded by shrugging her shoulders and staring at the tv. I had to walk away."

By you walking away and not dealing with it head on is giving her the most damaging impression. A. you can't handle it B. you don't really care. C. She wins. Whichever one she has decided fits in her mind who knows. The t.v. should have been turned off, she should have been sent to her room to think about what she had done. Take a minute to calm down yourself, once you have accomplished that, go into her room and have that talk. If it takes hours, that is your responsibility. That is how you let them know that you care and that they are important and not WORK.
When I say that her behavior can't be blamed on your mother that is what I am referring to: I'm not certain that all of that can stem from your mother telling her bad things about you or if it has to do with something your mother has done to her and you feel that she needs help to get past what your mother did. You mentioned you know this because your mother did some of the same stuff to you and you got out, but you never got help for it. I know that in life we repeat what we have learned and that is why I suggest that you get help. Not to be mean to you. I have already apologized for making a rude comment to you about having your children taken away. I'm trying to offer something to you, perhaps your not ready to see it. That is why I recommend counselin for you first. You have to be better before she can be better because you have to show her how. I wish you well. I am done posting. You should be done defending, excusing and rejecting, after all you asked.

[achampio21]

I'll tell you what's not so funny and that is that you allow your daughter to be around those men in your mother's home, any possibility that any of them have over step there boundaries with this little girl while your mother was in this drug induced sleep? Is the man in your home... boyfriend, fiancee or husband, you have written all three...?

YOU REALLY THINK I ALLOW IT!! I CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT!! THE COURTS DON'T CARE!! I TRIED TO HAVE IT STOPPED, TO HAVE SUPERVISED VISITS! THEY SAID NO!
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT GOES ON WHEN SHE IS THERE! MY LAWYER TOLD ME I CAN'T EVEN QUESTION HER ABOUT THE VISITS BECAUSE IT IS CONSIDERED INTEROGGATION!! AND I AM NOT ALLOWED TO DO IT!! But I have been. And so far she has told me that they don't do anything to her.

He is my husband now. But when I was talking about when I left her alone with him we were dating then engaged. But yes husband now.

[achampio21]

You and I are going to have to agree to disagree. We obviously have very different parenting styles. You wrote for advise because you needed it. I don't have these types of problems and thought that maybe I could advise on what I saw as ways to correct some of the behavior. I simply have pointed out a few things that I have learned can be cause for behavioral issues in children. you have stated some different things that I have highlighted to be major red flags for me. That was what the comment meant about seeing the forest between the trees. I don't presume you to be an idiot or a bad parent. I do however think that there is some help that is needed and it shouldn't always be put off on your daughter. Don't forget that you have written some really wild stuff about her behavior. for example... "My daughter just recently was caught with her hand over my littliest one's mouth and nose. I removed her hand, picked up the baby, and asked her calmly what she was doing. She stated, "I wanted to hear this show and he was crying and being annoying." I was shocked. I asked her is she realized that she could kill him doing that, and she responded by shrugging her shoulders and staring at the tv. I had to walk away."

By you walking away and not dealing with it head on is giving her the most damaging impression. A. you can't handle it B. you don't really care. C. She wins. Whichever one she has decided fits in her mind who knows. The t.v. should have been turned off, she should have been sent to her room to think about what she had done. Take a minute to calm down yourself, once you have accomplished that, go into her room and have that talk. If it takes hours, that is your responsibility. That is how you let them know that you care and that they are important and not WORK.
When I say that her behavior can't be blamed on your mother that is what I am referring to: I'm not certain that all of that can stem from your mother telling her bad things about you or if it has to do with something your mother has done to her and you feel that she needs help to get past what your mother did. You mentioned you know this because your mother did some of the same stuff to you and you got out, but you never got help for it. I know that in life we repeat what we have learned and that is why I suggest that you get help. Not to be mean to you. I have already apologized for making a rude comment to you about having your children taken away. I'm trying to offer something to you, perhaps your not ready to see it. That is why I recommend counselin for you first. You have to be better before she can be better because you have to show her how. I wish you well. I am done posting. You should be done defending, excusing and rejecting, after all you asked.

(Please see previous post also)

Okay, you got me on the pillow thing. Yes I should have said something. But you have to understand how many times I have been told repeatedly that I can't discipline my kids and theat yelling at them, etc is abuse. My mother has called them on me so many times that I am in the system. I don't want to yell at her or whatever at the wrong time and they are on the front porch. But No I shouldn't have avoided it.

I do appreciate your useful comments. But you have to admit that you have been particularly degrading to me from the 2nd or third post. One of which was deleted. You tell me I should act a certain way with my child but you are very negative and hurtful in your own statements to me. I think maybe you should review some of them and realize I became defensive because of the way you responded. The one that did it for me was the "your FLIPPIN nuts" and of course the one about letting them take all my kids. But maybe a bit more tactful would have been nice. But I do appreciate your posts. Some slaps in the face are a good balance to the one's that are supportive:p)

And thank you. Some of the things you said I thought about for several days now. And they actually helped me finalize a lot of the decisions I was in limbo about.

I am VERY stressed out about all of this. I have been snappy to you too. I just hate all of it. I shouldn't even have to be thinking about doing any of this. And it sucks and I I cry about it late at night and I get mad about it and I get stressed about it. But I still manage to be very happy and playful and lovey with my kids. I don't want them to be stressed out too. You are doing the right thing by posting how you feel and your opinion. Just because I don't agree doesn't mean you shouldn't say it.

[talaniman]

Acampio21-We all have different parenting styles, and we all go through different conflicts in life.

I think your slowly making your way through your personal conflicts, and I can only encourage you to just stick with it.

Raising kids is an enormous challenge, and many fall short, and make mistakes. The trick is to never stop loving them, and stay with doing the best you can, as you may not have short term success, but in the long run, they will love, and appreciate your efforts of love... eventually.

Heck My kids are in their 30's, and just now understanding what we went through to keep them safe, happy, and healthy. My grandkids are giving them all they can handle, so keep the faith, and when your spoiling those grandkids, you'll know, all the hell was well worth it.

Just never quit on them, no matter if they are ungrateful azz brats at times.

Much Luck, you'll need it more than skills.

[MsMewiththat]

Said I wasn't going to post and I have to... What pillow thing? I thought it was her hand over his mouth?

[achampio21]

acampio21-We all have different parenting styles, and we all go thru different conflicts in life.

I think your slowly making your way thru your personal conflicts, and I can only encourage you to just stick with it.

Raising kids is an enormous challenge, and many fall short, and make mistakes. The trick is to never stop loving them, and stay with doing the best you can, as you may not have short term success, but in the long run, they will love, and appreciate your efforts of love ...............eventually.

Heck My kids are in their 30's, and just now understanding what we went thru to keep them safe, happy, and healthy. My grandkids are giving them all they can handle, so keep the faith, and when your spoiling those grandkids, you'll know, all the hell was well worth it.

Just never quit on them, no matter if they are ungrateful azz brats at times.

Much Luck, you'll need it more than skills.

THANK YOU!! And I can guarantee you I will NEVER stop loving them. NO MATTER WHAT. :D I pray every night that she will grow up and understand that I tried my best. Even if I made mistakes. And that I always loved her even if I screwed up all along the way. I believe everything happens for a reason, and I only hope that all of this will make her a much better person than I could have ever thought of being. Thanks again.

[achampio21]

said I wasn't gonna post and I have to... What pillow thing? I thought it was her hand over his mouth?

I meant hand thing. I was iming with someone else about what we were talking about and they were telling me about a news story about a down syndrome boy left with his little sister and he put a pillow over her face to make her "go to sleep". ( the mother went to jail and the boy was sent to foster care.) Sorry. Too many things at once. :(

[ANB428]

achampio21, I think that you are making the best decision by sending your daughter to her father's house. She may be better out there. She may have some resentment towards her real father that she has been taking out on you. I hated my mom when I was 8 because she got remarried and my dad was dead. We never got along until I turned 19 and had a child of my own. Now that I look back I can see how hard she tried and how hard I pushed her away because I wanted to do what I wanted to do and not what she told me. You mother surely isn't helping the situation by brain washing her and telling her all the laws on child abuse. Parents have to discipline their children. I didn't find out about CPS until I was like 13 or 14 and as soon as I found out about it I threatened my mom with it any chance that I could to get my way. My mom couldn't send me to go live with my father because he was dead, but she sent me to my aunt's and my godmother's house. I did good with both of them and went back home after about 6 months because I thought that I was better and I could treat my mom better. Well, 1 month after me being back home I would start again. So, she needs to stay with her dad for awhile. Don't let her come back home because she misses you. I cried to my mom and told her that I would change for like 2 months until I convinced her to let me come back home and like I said one month and things were back the way they had been. Now I regret everything negative that I did to my mom. Don't listen to that other person who has been downing you on your parenting skills. Like you said, you are doing a lot better than SO many parents. Most parents don't care enough to do what you are doing. If you didn't care and didn't want help then you would have never posted anything. You daughter will be thankful one day that you cared enough about her to change her life. Keep doing what you need to do to help yourself and your family. Just don't let your mom around your boys!! She sounds like a nutjob. No offense. I am sorry that you have to deal with all of that. Parents are supposed to help their children not incourage their grandchildren to turn against their children. That is crazy and I will pray for you. Good luck with everything and you and your family will be in my prayers.

[achampio21]

I just want to add one thing, I think I know why my mom is doing what she is doing.

When I was (ironically) 8 years old my mom and dad got into another of their fights. Only this time my dad told her he was leaving. But instead of running out on her and I (which he had done to 2 previous wives and 5 previous kids) he came back to my room and took me with him. We made it out to his truck with my mom hot on our heels. She was screaming that he couldn't take me, he put me in the truck and got in the drivers side. She opened my door and my dad looked at me and said "who do you want to go with, me or your mom?" I said " you daddy" and I shut the truck door in her face.

That night my dad called her from a pay phone to let me tell her I was okay and good-night. She told me this over the phone, but I have never forgotten it "I hope you are happy with your choice, I have a hole in my heart where I used to love you now, and I will hate you for the rest of my life." and she hung up. Needless to say the next day my dad decided to go back to her. And she treated me horrible ever since.

I think she is turning my daughter against me to get me back for that decision that I should never have had to make. The perfect revenge.

[achampio21]

achampio21, I think that you are making the best decision by sending your daughter to her father's house. She may be better out there. She may have some resentment towards her real father that she has been taking out on you. I hated my mom when I was 8 b/c she got remarried and my dad was dead. We never got along until I turned 19 and had a child of my own. Now that I look back I can see how hard she tried and how hard I pushed her away b/c I wanted to do what I wanted to do and not what she told me. You mother surely isn't helping the situation by brain washing her and telling her all the laws on child abuse. Parents have to discipline their children. I didn't find out about CPS until I was like 13 or 14 and as soon as I found out about it I threatened my mom with it any chance that I could to get my way. My mom couldn't send me to go live with my father b/c he was dead, but she sent me to my aunt's and my godmother's house. I did good with both of them and went back home after about 6 months b/c I thought that I was better and I could treat my mom better. Well, 1 month after me being back home I would start again. So, she needs to stay with her dad for awhile. Don't let her come back home b/c she misses you. I cried to my mom and told her that I would change for like 2 months until I convinced her to let me come back home and like I said one month and things were back the way they had been. Now I regret everything negative that I did to my mom. Don't listen to that other person who has been downing you on your parenting skills. Like you said, you are doing a lot better than SO many parents. Most parents don't care enough to do what you are doing. If you didn't care and didn't want help then you would have never posted anything. You daughter will be thankful one day that you cared enough about her to change her life. Keep doing what you need to do to help yourself and your family. Just don't let your mom around your boys!!! She sounds like a nutjob. No offense. I am sorry that you have to deal with all of that. Parents are suposed to help their children not incourage their grandchildren to turn against their children. That is crazy and I will pray for you. Good luck with everything and you and your family will be in my prayers.

Thank you. I feel in my own heart that this is the very best option for my daughter. And I know she will resent me for a awhile but I think when she too gets old enough she will understand.

I am sorry for all the heartache you too went through. I hope all is well and loving with you and your mother now.

Thanks again

[ANB428]

Thank you. I feel in my own heart that this is the very best option for my daughter. And I know she will resent me for a awhile but I think when she too gets old enough she will understand.

I am sorry for all the heartache you too went through. I hope all is well and loving with you and your mother now.

Thanks again

Everything with my mother and I are great now, she lives in Texas and I am in Alabama, but we get along so much more now and I love her to death. Good luck with everything and your daughter will thank you one day, not resent you. I don't resent my mom for anything that she did while raising me. I thank her every time I get a chance because she actually cared about me that is why she did the things that she did, and your daughter will realize that one day!! Good luck and you and your family will remain in my prayers!

[manhattanchick]

Talk to you're daughter about what is going on at you're mothers house. It's important to know what is happenning in you're child's life at such a young age. Make sure you are as calm as possible when talking about what goes on there. Catch you're child in a good mood. As for you're mother, well, I don't know what to say.