[Jiser]

What is your problem? :P Seriously... Put yourself through all this for what? Your not taking any of the advice anyone is giving you.

Yes perhaps the girl has felt trapped in the relationship and maybe she wants to experience different things so she has a chance to find herself before she commits to someone for the rest of her life. Most people I have spoke to who were in a relationship at a young age well it never lasted. Those who married regretted not having a 'wild stage' as such. Some people need this to find themselves, others don't. But we all have to do some soul searching at one point. So give the girl space and move on with your life. She's not dead is she? Get yourself a new happy life with new and refreshing things to do, take a holiday... do something but get yourself away from this soul destroying situation.

My mum married when she was young and it lasted 6 years before she met my dad at 30. They actually remained friends and he was always around me and my sis as kids, don't know how my dad dealt with it... Very strange situation as I look back to my childhood. They probably never speak now really. She's 52 now.

[ordinaryguy]

What am i supposed to do?

This question has been answered about a jillion times already, but you aren't willing to hear the answer, so you keep asking it.

I do love her, and I know i am inlove with her.. If i wasn't, i would have moved on by now..

This isn't love, it's emotional addiction.

Please understand that this is completely different than any other story posted here..

Not that different, except that she's a better manipulator than most, and your head is thicker than most. It's a match made in hell and a recipe for disaster. The longer you persist in feeding your illusion, the more damage is done and the longer it will take to regain your mental and emotional health. It's heartbreaking to watch you spiral down into this black hole.

[TESTER2799]

Ok, I have updates.. to confuse you even more I think.. hehe..

She told me she is thinking.. and she will do this from now on because she haven't thought anything until now.. and I told her the following:

"Look, if you want to do your life now for 1-2 months, and then come back, I can do it. It will help us.. the experience will help us in the future."
She told me "If you are sure for this, then I will include it in my thoughts".
I told her "I can do it only if you are coming back.. unless there is no point"
She told me "I will think of that, i promise"
I told her "If you do that, you get what you want right now (wild life) and I get what I want.. eventually"
And she told me "I will think of that baby"

I am so f***ed up! Hehe.. Ok, here is the plan from now on and tell me if you agree with me..
I will let her do whatever she wants, without asking her what she did, with who or when. I will also do the same.. get a life as most of you told me.
She will start thinking about everything..
And during easter we will talk again about the situation..

But I want to ask you.. is it a good idea? I mean what I told her above.. She seemed OK with the fact since she doesn't want to loose me, and she doesn't want to loose her new life now.. Will it work if she agrees to this?
Remember that she already told me that I am the one she imagines as her husband and the father to her children..

Ps: YES, I am reading all posts, and I am considering your thoughts and advices. I am not stupid. But I still think there is something there.. If she wanted me out, she would have told me by now.. She knows what I am going through, and she would have told me to move on.. not to wait for nothing! So please, try to understand my situation..

[Jiser]

Yeah as a back up plan! I really do not understand why are you doing this to yourself.

[Ulysses]

Hi, TESTER2799!
I am really sorry for what you're going through. My story is a bit similar to yours (7 year relationship, 2 of which in long distance). I can tell you from experience, that setting plans at this point is part of your self-deception plan which MAY BE NECESSARY FOR YOU to cope with the situation right now. But you can't think clearly and logically now (at least for 1 or 2 months). This won't change until you withdraw from the situation i.e. cut all contact. As hard as it gets, you have to CUT HER OFF. At least for 3 months but I guess much much more. She doesn't know what she wants and this won't change while she has every option in hand. Time needs to pass. You have to accept it - that's going to be painful but pain will lessen I promise you. Now join any activity, hobby, gym whatever. Try to do things to please yourself. Write it here instead of calling her. We are all with you.

[TESTER2799]

Well let me tell you guys..
The pain has started to move away right now.. For example I know that she just went to this guy and I don't feel down or pain or something (He needs help on his english and she is half English)..
I tried to cut contact with her, but this only pushed her more away.. she told me that. She told me that because I was not available, she needed someone to talk to.. and that's the reason why she went to this guy.. I do believe her because last two days I was available and she stayed home talking with me..

Therefore, just being there, talking with her sometimes (not about the situation but other general stuff), is more helpful for me.. The pain is going away and I am confident about my life..

I have a question since most of you guys or girls know at least one girl that had this "crazy wild phase"...
How long does it last? In average.. Because she is starting to see that even if she likes this kind of life, she is messing up the rest of her life (University, family, health, sleep etc etc)..

Last night she told me that my idea was nice (thread #43).. And she said we can do that, and meet again in 2 years and get married.. then she said.. no 2 years.. 4 years!! And we will be close during that period.. hehe.. We laughed about this..
What I understood is that she wants to be my wife and the father of her children (she already told me that many times.. even after the break.. she specifically told me "I know you are the only one that I would like to be my husband and the father of my children.. you will be the best for that part of my life"..
So.. the important question here is how long does this crazy wild girl phase last? Give me examples if you know.. Just to get an idea... I know it's not a fixed period thing.. but I would love to know some examples..

I know I am bothering you guys since I am not listening to you.. but I've tried everything.. I do want her back.. and I know she wants to come back at some point.. This of course can be changed in 2-3 weeks for example.. But right now, I do want her back!

Can you give me examples of how long does this last?

Again thank you for your support..

[Ulysses]

4 years!! You must be kidding. She must be very immature to do such things to you. There is no guarantee at all it will ever happen. If you are ready for 4 years of being there just for her, listening about problems with her new BFs, being faithful to a phantom of love - only to find out that 4 years later she is not going to change her mind - then go forward. Sorry for being hard here, but that's what it seems from my perspective.

[Jiser]

Sorry to be so blunt but your mad! Get a life.

[TESTER2799]

I think she was kidding Ulysses.. hehe..
Look, let me put it this way..
Its been since FEB 10th when she asked me for the break..
She haven't even thought about the situation yet.. Nothing.. NADA!
She was just going out, messing her life, and thought about nothing..
Now, from Monday, she started thinking things.. That's why she stayed home last two nights..
She sees that this life is no good for her.. She knows she has to make a decision eventually, because I can't wait there for ever.. She knows that..
And the important thing is that she is not even in love with this guy.. she already told me many many times that this guy is not for her.. she will never be in love with him.. OK, you don't really know that unless it happens, but the only thing that makes her go to see him is just plain attraction.. That's all..
I have to give her the time to think.. I can't reject her from now because she haven't thought a thing yet.. Don't you think that its better to be there for now until she decides?

About the 4 years.. I told her its toooooooooo long and we will forget each other and this will never happen. Don't worry.. I am not that kind of guy that says "YES" and "OK" to everything a woman tells him..

Anyway, I have to give her time to think..

[Jiser]

Yeh do that and leave her alone completely. Get your own life, if she comes back she will, don't push for it. Stop being a doormat.

[TESTER2799]

I know.. you are right! I am not putting any pressure on her.. If we talk about the situation I am always saying funny stuff and laugh at them.. I mean eventually she will do what ever she wants.. right? So there is no point trying to convince her about anything..
It's her decision..

I am having life.. I am going out and I am flirting.. I am doing all the things you guys told me.. Except to cut contact with her.. Just not yet.. because this will confuse her even more..
I will give her as much time as she wants... If we rush things, then probably she will make the wrong decision..
I will be there for her but not ALWAYS!
For example yesterday she told me that this guy asked her to stay at his place for the night. She told him NO several times, but he insisted. Later, she told me.. I will do what ever I want.. and she stayed at her place.. I mean she is starting to realise what she is doing.. The only thing I told her is "You do what ever YOU want.. not what I say, not what he says"..

I don't know if you understand what I am saying.. But the main thing is that I will give her as much time as she wants to make the right decision for her..

[Jiser]

You put yourself through so much torture.

[gt2016c]

You don't get it, man... she IS doing what she wants - she is sleeping with another man (and torturing you in the process). Forget her words and look at her actions! She is manipulating you and she does not even know it. Her behaviour is very selfish. If she really loved you, would she really want to hurt you like this or put you through this emotional discomfort?

She MAY come back to you again, but guess what? This WILL HAPPEN AGAIN AND AGAIN, because now she knows that she can get away with it. Do you really want that??

You need to learn to love yourself first, then someone else second.

[gt2016c]

Look, from reading your posts, you have already decided what you are going to do. We can write until we are blue in the face (so that you take note of our experiences), but until you experience it yourself, it won't make any difference.

Trust me, you are doing this the hard way, but it looks like you need to learn that lesson yourself, through your own experience. Its coming to you...

Save this post and look back in 20 years - hindsight is always 20/20, as they say.

[ordinaryguy]

It's like watching a plane crash in slow motion. I'm horrified by the sight, but I can't turn away.

[valinors_sorrow]

Some people can manage to enjoy their suffering. For them, to end the suffering is the worst thing imaginable since it is exactly what tells them they are alive. You see this more commonly in addicts who have acclimated to the pain of repeatedly hitting bottom and doing early recovery over and over, never getting beyond a few months so they never really know what real recovery is like. They think they know but they actually don't. Until they are willing to really look, nothing is able to make any difference...

[valinors_sorrow]

i have a question, so your advice to this guy is to let go of her completley because hes addicted to her? so if that works and hes let go completley, what happens when she wants him back? say hes finally over her, what does he do when shes at his door step years from now? what then?

I used to run my relationships like they were addictions. When the one you "let go of" returns, hopefully you get to experience what I did. I recovered, I grew up, I worked my way out of codependent relationships so that I could have healthy ones instead and when he came knocking, I could not believe how unappealing he looked to me. Night and day. I gently turned him down. I had changed, he had not. Hard to tell someone what healthy is like until you "get here". Once there you won't go back either. Love is not an addiction, not at all! LOL

[Synnen]

Love isn't a fairy tale.

It's just not as easy as "and they lived happily ever after".

Love is so different at each stage of our lives... and it's different than the tradition "Boy meets girl, boy woos girl, they get married, buy a house, have a couple of kids, and grow old happily together". It just doesn't work that way.

You can NOT be happy with someone else until you are happy with yourself. Really.

When someone walks away from a relationship and begins another relationship... yes, it's over. Maybe someday things might work out so that you end up together, but maybe someday you'll win the lottery, too. Your chances are about even there.

Move on, be happy, don't EVER plan your life around any one other person. I'm married, happily, and I STILL don't plan my entire life around my husband. If something happened to him tomorrow (Goddess forbid!), I'd still be able to move on with my life. I would be devastated, I would mourn, but I wouldn't do anything because "he would have wanted it that way".

It's the same with the end of ANY relationship. Mourn it, be sad about it, then LIVE FOR YOU!

[Synnen]

There are problems and there are problems.

I'm 32 years old. I have had several long term (longer than 2 years) relationships. I've cheated, and been cheated on. I've dealt with an alcoholic, I've been with an emotional abuser. I had a guy walk out on a 2.5 year relationship because he couldn't deal with how emotional I was after we placed our daughter for adoption. I had a guy walk out when things were going just fine, from my perspective, because he "just wanted to be single, and things were too serious". I did everything I could think of to get him back. Nothing worked, because I was too invested in getting him back.

Look, I understand that people have problems. I've been married a while, and moved across the country 4 times, and had financial issues, and disappointments with inability to conceive, and disliking each other's friends. I've dealt with the big crap, and the stuff like leaving the cap off the toothpaste and leaving wet towels on the floor.

EVERY COUPLE HAS PROBLEMS! Any couple that doesn't is lying to themselves and each other. If you have friends and family that care about you, then yes, people help you get through problems.

The issue comes up here where one person is completely invested in the relationship, and the other is off playing with someone else entirely. That's not "problems". That's the inability to accept that your relationship is over.

If you were BOTH here asking how to make it work, that would be different. Instead, it's just you, asking how to get her back to who you want her to be. That's infatuation, not love. That's obsession, not friendship.

Look, Mr. Bitter About Everything... there are no guarantees about anything! If you truly love one another, you'll BOTH do whatever it takes to be together. If it's one person doing all the work, then it's not love. It's something else.

[talaniman]

If you want to rant and criticize the other posters and hijack someone else's thread why don't you post somewhere in your own thread and we can help you. I understand disagreeing but nor arguing another's opinion especially in the disrespectful way your coming with.