[TESTER2799]

Hi guys,

I really have a problem and I really need your help. I was reading through some topics from people that had similar problems, but I think mine is different in a way.
I was with this girl for almost 8 years. We had for 4 years long distance relationship, but we met every summer and Xmas for a month or so. We were really close together, our families met each other, and everything was so perfect.
Three weeks ago, she told me "things are not so weel for us now. I am not showing how much I love you, and we should take a break for a while so that I can decide what I want from my life".
I said OK, but then kept asking her questions and stuff all the time. A week ago, I started to see that she has found someone else. She wasn't sleeping at her house anymore, and she spent a lot of time away. I asked her many times if there is someone else, and she said no. But then I called her, I told her that you are not honest with me, and I want to know the truth.
This happened last Wednesday (1 week ago). We talked over the phone, she told me everything, and I was very understanding and nice to her. I was talking not as her ex, but as her friend, giving her advice and stuff. I told her that she is moving too fast with him, sleeping almost every night and stuff. She told me she doesn't love him, she is not in love with him, and basically she is enjoying what comes up in her world. She is enjoying every single moment of her life.
For two days, she understood that what was going on was wrong. She told me that she will end things up with the guy. So she went to see her, and after 1-2 hours she called me and told me she wanted to break up with ME. The very next day I called the airline and went and spent the weekend with her. Until Monday. At first, things were weird, but then we had fun and sex and she showed she had feelings for me. She said things will someday be OK with us (as a couple) but she needs some time now..
Today is Friday. She slept with him on Monday, wednsday and last night. She wants to be my friend, and talk to me. She said it feels right with me, but she wants to be sure that I am the one for her.
(she is 23 and I am 26). Yesterday, she told me she has chosen her life (not him). She told me he wants a relationship, but she doesn't. And still, she is sleeping with this guy at his house almost every day.
She told me she knows this guy is not the one for her, she is enjoying her life, and time will show..
Obviously, they are creating a new relationship together. They text each other, call each other, and sleep together almost every night. She made it clear though that she doesn't want a relationship. What the hell?
She loves me, she thinks that she will come back someday, but she needs some time now to think (with him apparently).
What should I do? Should I wait for her? Should I use the NO CONTACT rule? She wants to talk to me like a friend and share any news and stuff..
Can she feel the same about me again? Am I stupid for being so understanding and nice to her even if she sees another man?
Last two days I am trying to avoid her.. keep contacting at a minimum (1-2 minutes every time) and I close all conversations. Yesterday she told me that I was too 'cold' with her, even if we agreed to be close friends for now. I will continue this probably. Shall I keep talking with her as a friend? Or do the NO CONTACT rule? Which one is more effective? Will she ever come back?

Thank you guys..

Some other things I forgot to post:

I asked her a million times if she wants me to move on, forget about her.. she always tells me NO, unless I want to..
She always tryies to contact me.. and sometimes I am ingoring her and she doesn't like that.. she thinks I am cold at her or something..
During last weekend, I saw she had some feelings for me.. but since then, she is sleeping almost every night with that guy (except one night).
What should I do to get her back? Stay her friend? Or NO CONTACT? Will I ever get her back? I NEED HELP!!

[rol]

<<What should I do? Should I wait for her? Should I use the NO CONTACT rule? She wants to talk to me like a friend and share any news and stuff..
Can she feel the same about me again? Am I stupid for being so understanding and nice to her even if she sees another man?
>>

Oh my... she is treating you like a DOORMAT!!
Please, get away from her now.
Yes do not be understanding and nice with her,
Tell her its over that she is not the woman for you anymore.
Then rebuild your life without her.

[moomin007]

Tester, what does your heart tell you?

It sounds a though she's having fun at your expense. She loves you and thinks she may come back someday? To me, this is selfish. She is playing around because you are letting her.
If she loves you, she would be faithful.
If she was your friend, she would be honest with you.

All the time she can see that you are 'hanging on', she will continue to behave like this. When she sees you are doubtful about what to do, she picks you up again or uses emotional blackmail (crying/accusing you of being unfeeling).

Only you can decide what you are prepared to put up with. Even if she does come back to you, who's to say she won't do the same thing again when she gets bored or another chap comes along?

It may be hard but perhaps a clean break would give both of you time & space to think? Or you can continue to be at her beck & call for whatever she wants.

I hope you find some answers.
Moomin

[TESTER2799]

I don't really know you guys...
I do love her, I am in love with her all over again after our weekend together. I know she had some feelings during that period.. Trust me..
She said she is not choosing HIM.. she is choosing her life right now, and whatever comes in front of her.
I asked her many times if she wants me to move on.. she said NO, unless I want to..
She asks my friends to check if I am eating OK because I lost some weight during our break up..
No, I don't want anymore to beg her, to ask her about our relationship and stuff.. I will stop.. But shall I talk to her sometimes as a friend? Or shall I disappear so that she will miss me. She wants us to be good friends. She is my best friend, and I am her best friend. This is a FACT!
She said she is not playing with me.. she wants to experience other things, and she wants to have a life now because she is afraid she will regret not having one ever. She is with me since her 15th birthday. I was her first one, she IS my first and only one...
She is telling me what they did with that guy.. Just 30 minutes ago, she talked to me (I DID NOT RESPOND), and changed her photo in msn to one that we are together.. me and her. She wants to check my reaction? Well, I will not talk to her. I have to be strong, try to enjoy my life and I know she will want someday to come back because I CAN make her happy and she knows that.
I don't know if I should stop talking to her, or just be there sometimes as her friend..
This hurst so bad because I am in love with her.. during this period I think I realised how much I do love her.. she told me many times that she likes what she is doing right now, but she thinks she will be back someday. What am I? Her stupid game or something?
We've been 8 years together.. how much time does she need in order to decide about us, and if I am the one for her or not? She is with this guy for over 2 weeks now.. Are they building a relationship together? And if yes, why does she want me to be there for her? Why does she want me to know that I have a chance? If she continues to see this guy for another 2-3 weeks, then I must end this relationship or friendship or anything for good.

[tinsign]

The best advice in the world you are about to get here... She is not even a mature enough woman to let you go in peace to find another who could make you happy. She is keeping you as a puppet on a string, YOU ARE NOT A YOYO TOY.. don't let her do this any longer.. NEVER allow someone to keep you emtionally in turmoil.. I don't know you but nobody deserves to be treated this way.. The sooner you break contact and actually stick to it the better off you will be... Yes it will hurt you for some time to come but there is a better person waiting for you... At least you won't be going up and down on that yoyo anymore.

I wish the very best for you because you sure deserve better than what she is.

[rol]

<<I asked her many times if she wants me to move on.. >>

Do not ask her if she wants you to move on, TELL HER YOU ARE MOVING ON AND GOODBYE!! She seems to want to experience the wild girl stage.She wants to keep you there while she sees if she finds someone better!
Disappear!!

[ordinaryguy]

she told me many times that she likes what she is doing right now, but she thinks she will be back someday. What am i? Her stupid game or something?

Yep, that's exactly what you are to her. You're very perceptive.

why does she want me to be there for her? Why does she want me to know that i have a chance?

You're her backup/Plan B/insurance policy.

If she continues to see this guy for another 2-3 weeks, then I must end this relationship or friendship or anything for good.

I suppose you could wait that long if you want to prolong the agony. Personally, I would end it IMMEDIATELY!

[TESTER2799]

Thanks guys for your advices..
The following is her email to her mum she wrote 3 days ago. She clearly doesn't say anything about being another guy in her life. But please tell me what she means. My name is Nicolas and her name is Kathryn.. just to let you know:

"I dont really know where to start, but as you know i've been feeling abit confused lately about myself and what i want from life, i dont know if its a phase everyone goes through, or if something is wrong with me. i've been sounding selfish lately, especially towards nicolas, telling him that i dont feel like i've had a life because i was so young when we met and that i want to spend some time with myself and experience new things and do what kathryn wants, then i've been hating myself for hurting him i feel like such a horrible person for doing this, i feel guilty and insensitive and i know i'm not that kind of person because it upsets me. we've been trying to be on a break and just do our own thing for a while, i think i'm worried that i will regret not having taken the chance to live on my own for some time and that i'm not ready to settle down or not even sure if hes the right person, then on the other hand i'm scared to let go incase i'm making a mistake because in many ways it does feel right, he does make me happy and supports me and gives me everything. so i go back and forth all the time, hurting both of us. Imi must have told you that he came out for the weekend and made me feel so awful because hes being so unbelievably nice to me an understanding that i can't tell him to move on, maybe i dont want him to either i just dont know. i'm making myself physically sick because i can't eat and i havent slept properly in days, i'm driving through red lights because my mind is not with me, i've had diarrhea and vomiting on and off the last 2 weeks i think the stress of it has affected my immunity or something! nicolas has also lost a lot of weight and i feel responsible for this. i dont want to make you worry, because i'm sure that everything will work out eventually and that time heals everything. We talked alot this weekend and concluded that the best thing for now is to be good friends, speak whenever we want and just both live life as it comes and hope that time will help decide on a final decision.. thats all i can really say about this, i'm told these things are always hard but many people experience it and its possible to pull through, whatever happens in the end! "

What do you think?

[rol]

She sounds confused.
She has not experienced the single life and does not want to regret later on... this is common for a girl who has been in a long relationship since teenage years.
Many posters here have had the same experience... ehh geoff?.

But the best thing for you now is to cut ALL contact and move on,
This is for you OK?to heal and become strong again.
Living in limbo is not a way to live...

Right now she needs to do what she wants and you need to do what you want.

Go and read Geoffs post , its very similar to yours and read all the advice.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...FERSONAIRPLANE

[TESTER2799]

I like talking to her.. It calms me down I guess.. but she started building a new relationship immediately after ours ended.. I mean.. what? What is that? How can she move on so quickly? Ok she told me she doesn't care about him, she doesn't love him, she is not in love with him.. and if she decides to end with him she will.. She told me MANY times she doesn't want a relationship now and no commitment.. She told me that this guy thinks they have a relationship and she doesn't care about that. She told the guy that me and her are over for good.. and she is trying to get over me (move on).. she is either not honest with him (or maybe with me?). But they are sleeping every night together (at his place), texting to each other, and talking to the phone.. if this is not a relationship, then what is? I don't really know what to believe.. I do want her back.. but if she stays with him for more than a month, then I'll have to move on I guess..

[Zion101]

Sorry dude.. Buts lets look at it this way.. U have been apart of her life for 8 years. Which means a lot.. SHe doesn't want to lose you. Because she is to use to having you around. But she wants to have fun with some other guy.

Leave her alone. Don't give her what she wants. Do what you want to do. But leave her alone.Most Women want what they can't have. Men to but not in the same way.

If she had any respect for you she wouldn't of done this for you. People change.. Accept that. Move on. Its hard yes I know. But its better for you. You don't deserve this from her or anyone. NO one does. If you were loyal and treated her right then what she is doing is WRONG.

Move on. Break off all contact. She'll realise what she's lost... and then you will have to choose.. if not. Find someone else.. Someone better... we can always do better

[ordinaryguy]

I dont really know what to believe..

Believe that she's lying to you, to him, to her mom, and to herself.

I do want her back..

No, what you want back is the mistaken image of her that you used to have. She has now shown you in the most direct and obvious way possible that that isn't really who she is.

but if she stays with him for more than a month, then i'll have to move on i guess..

Sooner would be better, but I guess you can let her jab that sharp stick in your eye for as long as you can stand it.

[LBP]

So eerie... My ex's name is Kathryn...

All I can do is echo what others have said in more forceful terms. Cut her off. Completely. The sooner you stop talking to her the sooner you'll be a happy person. It's as simple as that.

You don't have to do it forever. When's her birthday? If it's six months or so away than that's a good time to reopen communication.

Talk to her and tell her this: "You say you want to live for yourself. That's fine. But being your friend, and not your boyfriend, is killing me. You've made the choice not to be with me and I'm making the choice of dealing with it. Goodbye and goodluck finding what you're looking for." If she has more to say, let her say it, but stand strong. You need to do this for yourself, to remember what it's like to be a man!

YOu can do it! Don't let her hold you in a pit! If she loved you, she wouldn't be doing this to you - if she loved you, she'd be with you!

An important step: the day afer you talk to her, go to a bar, go to the gym, or even go to the freaking super market and flirt. Flirt, flirt, flirt. It'll help you remember that you're an attractive guy who women are interested. That doesn't mean you have to ask them out - in fact, that would be a bad idea. But step number two, following cutting off contact, is to regain your confidence. You can do it. Take care of business my friend.

[Nosnosna]

I don't really know you guys...
I do love her, I am in love with her all over again after our weekend together. I know she had some feelings during that period.. Trust me..

Only she knows that for sure. You know what you want to know, which makes it hard for you to be objective.

She said she is not choosing HIM.. she is choosing her life right now, and whatever comes in front of her.

What she's choosing is not you.

I asked her many times if she wants me to move on.. she said NO, unless I want to..

She still has power over you. She knows this. And she knows that if anything goes wrong, she can run back to you. Of course she's not going to be urging you to move on.

No, I don't want anymore to beg her, to ask her about our relationship and stuff.. I will stop.. But shall I talk to her sometimes as a friend? Or shall I disappear so that she will miss me. She wants us to be good friends. She is my best friend, and I am her best friend. This is a FACT!

What she wants and what you need aren't necessarily the same thing. Your needs are more important than her wants, and what you need is to be out of this situation. It's destructive to be led on like this, and it's unhealthy to keep yourself emotionally involved with somebody who isn't returning your interest.

Look, I love my best friend. I'd take a bullet for her, without a second thought. But I'd tell her to **** off if she were stringing me along or using me the way this girl is using you. That's not how friends treat each other.

She said she is not playing with me.. she wants to experience other things, and she wants to have a life now because she is afraid she will regret not having one ever. She is with me since her 15th birthday. I was her first one, she IS my first and only one...
She is telling me what they did with that guy.. Just 30 minutes ago, she talked to me (I DID NOT RESPOND), and changed her photo in msn to one that we are together.. me and her.

Sure she's playing with you. She knows exactly how this makes you feel, and she keeps on. And she doesn't even have the guts to call it a real break-up, making it clear that if that's what it turns into, that's your decision, and therefore your fault.

She wants to check my reaction? Well, I will not talk to her. I have to be strong, try to enjoy my life

Good. That's what you need. But that's only half of it. Don't be talked to by her either... when she sends you a message, don't read it. Delete the messages, ignore the phone calls. Block messages where you can.

and I know she will want someday to come back because I CAN make her happy and she knows that.

Don't hold your breath on that. Make this time about you. You've been with this girl a long time, and never been with anybody else. You've based everything in your life around this girl to some extent, and if she doesn't come back, what do you have left? Right now, all you'll have is a big lump of bitterness. Make a life for yourself... that's the only person you can really worry about.

[PatBateman]

This girl is playing you man. Playing you like a video game and you don't even see it because you're so heartbroken. She gets to have sex with two different guys, none of which gets a straight answer from her in terms of commitment. Sounds like she just wants to whore around without facing the fact that she's basically being a whore.

[Nohitter410]

You are not a therapist... you need to cut her off and not give her advice or anything

If you want to become her girlfriend then so be it, you are telling me that you want to be with someone that will sleep with another guy for awhile and that is their way of figuring things out and YOU WILL STILL BE WAITING?? Get your priorities straight and understand that you don't deserve that. She is one girl and if you are letting her do this to you that means you don't value yourself. Cut her off and find a life without her, you will be much better off.

She asked for a break and time, so why talk to her all the time and find out every little thing that she is doing. Basically you are now just her friend and giving her advice about things and you will never get her back, NEVER. But to be honest why would you. But if you do want her back you need to cut her off and don't be there for her right now. No more advice, no texting, no phone calls, whatever she is doing or says should have no control on you WHATSOEVER.

[TESTER2799]

Thank you guys..
Yesterday she called me because I was ignoring her for the past 2 days. I sounded very happy, and enjoying my life.. she told me "good, thats what i wanted from you from the beginning.. to enjoy your life and have fun and be happy". I don't understand..
She keeps seeing this guy EVERY night. She re-opened the conversation about "us", after she made it clear on Tuesday that we are not going to discuss it anymore. She told me "I notices you are happy.. I just want to let you know that if you want to move on, you can tell me and do it.." I asked her if this is her way to tell me "goodbye stupid" and she told me no, she will never do that to me. She told me "if i want to move on with my life without you, I WILL TELL YOU". She enjoys what she is doing, having fun, without the need to tell anyone what she is doing, where she is, or what she is doing.
I told her, that if she wants me to move on, then I will but she has to forget about me for good. She told me no!
She told me she knows what I am going through, because she went through the same thing 3-4 years ago when I asked her for a break (but I was still faithful to her).
She told me she doesn't want to tell me about any chances, or when she is deciding etc, because she doesn't want to play with my feelings.
She told me "I never forget about you, where ever I am".. She always tells me "Time will tell", and the most common thing she says is "Don't worry, everything will be ok".
One other thing.. she told me that she is starting to get a little bit bored doing this new life, but on the other hand she insists she likes it..
She is not in love with this guy, she doesn't love him, and she does not care about him. She told me "If one day I decide to go away from him, I will do it.. he can't hold me if i don't want to".

Anyway, later during the night I sent her a message telling her "Look, I don't want to talk anymore about "Look, I dont want to talk anymore about ", because you already know how I feel". She told me ", because you already know how i feel"

Anyway, I will limit my conversations with her at a minimum. But I can't cut her off, because she told me (after these 2 days of not talking to her) that she feels we are moving further apart if we are not talking.. and its better to talk once per 1-2 days to refresh her memory or her feelings about me. I don't know what to believe guys.

She also told me that her feelings about me come and go all the time, except the last two days when they didn't come at all hehe.. But after our talking, she had some..

Anyway, I will not talk her about our relationship anymore.. We will talk once every 1-2 days, about general stuff, and of course NO MORE ADVICE. When a woman wants something, she will do it no matter what. Therefore, no more advice about anything.

I do want her back right now.. that's what I really feel. But if she continues to see this guy for the next 2-3 weeks, then that means they do have a relationship, and I will cut her off completetly. If not, then I might be willing to discuss things about us again.

That's all guys for now..

Just some questions because I don't really have any experience on this subject:

Will she get bored of this new life? How long will it last?
Will she want someday to come back to her nice, faithful, respecting old boyfriend?
Can she fall in love so quickly? I mean we just split up and she sees this guy everyday/night.. can she fall in love during the next few weeks?
Even if she likes it right now, will someday soon wake up and say "I agree with you, and we will not discuss it unless it's necessary. Time will tell as we said. Take care and don't worry about me, everything will be ok"
I know what you guys said.. cut her off.. she doesn't deserve me etc. But at the moment I do want her back. I don't know how I am going to feel in a month or so.. but right now I want to know if she will come back, and when, so that I can set my limits or compare with my current limits..

Thank you guys for your help.. it really does feel better talking about my problem..

[ordinaryguy]

OK, now you're starting to scare me, man. Everybody , in unanimus chorus, has said "She's lying, cheating, and playing you. Self-preservation demands that you DETACH from her IMMEDIATELY and COMPLETELY!!!!!!", or words to that effect. And you say

Anyway, I will limit my conversations with her at a minimum. But I can't cut her off, because she told me (after these 2 days of not talking to her) that she feels we are moving further apart if we are not talking..and its better to talk once per 1-2 days to refresh her memory or her feelings about me. I dont know what to believe guys.

You can't cut her off because SHE SAYS you're moving farther apart?? You're in serious, deep denial, man. Your misery is self-inflicted (though she is a master at what she does, I'll give you that). Every day that passes has less to do with her, and more to do with you. Every day you keep making it about her and your "relationship" is a day you spend walking away from reality. I hope you wake up before you reach the abyss. Please!

[Nosnosna]

Questions reordered slightly to combine the ones with the same answer.

Will she get bored of this new life? How long will it last?
Will she want someday to come back to her nice, faithful, respecting old boyfriend?
Even if she likes it right now, will someday soon wake up and say "what the f*** am i doing?"

There's no way to know. She could marry the guy and have 28 kids with him. Or she could stab him to death with a toothpick by the time I finish typing this up. Emotions are strange, and you'll never know exactly what hers are doing no matter how close or distant you become in the future. We're all lucky if we know entirely what we're feeling all the time.

Can she fall in love so quickly? I mean we just split up and she sees this guy everyday/night.. can she fall in love during the next few weeks?

Of course she can. Love is jacked up that way. It simply ain't rational, and always always always defies any attempt at prediction.

I know what you guys said.. cut her off.. she doesn't deserve me etc. But at the moment I do want her back. I don't know how I am going to feel in a month or so.. but right now I want to know if she will come back, and when, so that I can set my limits or compare with my current limits..

She might come back today. Or tomorrow. She might come back in ten years. Or she may never speak with you again. Nobody knows what might happen.

If you're waiting for certainty, you're going to be waiting the rest of your life. That's just not how life works.

[TESTER2799]

Well.. I know what you guys are telling me..
Right now I do not want to loose her. Ok she is not choosing me, but I do feel a lot about her right now..
I have news..

I wasn't talking with her properly during the last few days. I was not telling her everything, where I sleep during the nights, with who I was.. and this thing really got her in the nerves. She got a little bit angry with me.. I left a lot of mysteries in my "words" and she sees that I am moving away from her slowly slowly.. The following are the messages we've sent to each other after our 5-6 minutes talking through skype.. :

Me: Kathryn, do not hate me. I told you, take as much time as you need. You never put a deadline on such things. Do what you have to do, and I am doing the same.

HER: I don't hate you. You are not talking openly like the old days.. If you want to keep a distance then OK. Take care x x x

Me: How in the hell do you want me to talk openly to you? You know my feelings. Period. That's all. Do you want me out for good?

HER: No but I would like you to be normal with me. Take care and we talk soon x x x

Me: When I say out, you know what I am talking about. Do you want me out now? I am normal Kathryn. I just don't want to get hurt again.

HER: I don't want you out of my life. I understand you, I am sorry, I just want us to talk normaly. Talk soon x x x

Me: Kathryn, when I say out, I mean out as a possible future boyfriend. Understand what I am saying. Be straight. Do you want me out? Not as a friend.

HER: No I don't want you out x x x

Me: Then do not hate me Kathryn. I am simply giving you space/time/break. What you asked for.. Take care and be careful xxx


I think she got mad that she is not only losing her boyfriend of 8 years, but her best friend also. Do you think she is starting to think right now? Do you think she is starting to realize what she is doing?
Last night I was ready to tell her "Goodbye".. She knows that.. She is starting to realize that I am moving on slowly slowly without her.. That I can have life without her.. That I can live without her..

Is she thinking right now? Or she continues to play with me? I will keep this distance.. this will help me to move away from her I guess..

BTW since last Monday when I visited her, she stayed with the guy every night except Tuesday. Even last night.. Today is Monday again..