[Xochipilli]

Man. The family situation certainly puts a whole different spin on things. I think the basis of his fear is, if not obvious, at least not that mysterious. His fear may have other roots as well, but the fear of leaving his family adrift without him there is a strong possibility. And really, would you want him not to fear that? And I don't know many men who talk to their fathers about relationships. Remember what I said about socialization? That pertains most certainly to men in families. You are much more likely to talk to your mother about relationships, at least until you get married. Maybe not even then. But I understand that he doesn't seem to do that either. Many men have a "go it alone" attitude, because they've bought into such an approach as a part of the essential character of manhood. It's no different than the desire not to see a doctor about random pain.

The sources of fear already mentioned are all distinct possibilities. They are almost inevitable, especially in his situation at his age.

The other thing to consider is that men and women communicate at different levels, generally speaking. Let me ask you a question, ladies: how often have you thrown a guy a sign of interest and he was completely oblivious to it? Did you feel rejected? In my experience, this happens often. It's because many men don't communicate with clarity at the non-verbal level as well as most women do. This is why you don't see your own confusing statements as contradictory, because most communication isn't even verbal. You may tell a man "Yes" with your words, and expect him to pick up on everything else that is "clearly" saying "No": voice tone, body language, etc.

And yes, I am something of a Behaviorist.

[yoyolb]

Maybe I stated this wrong. They do not DEPEND on him, they USE him. Like I said, their family dynamic is a little different. His sister has a doctorate degree and lives the lavish life everyday. His younger sister works 2 jobs, saving her money, buying a new car and lives it up everyday. His brother has 4 kids and walks in and out as often as he pleases. It is his caring nature that got him stuck in that situation. He allows his older brother to tell him to go get HIS 4 kids something to eat while 4 well capaple, able bodies sit there in front of the TV. He loves his nephew and nieces so he doesn't say no. Often times, his brother will call to borrow $50 dollars for the kids, etc. He will give it to him knowing his brother has no job to pay him back. He had been saving to get a new car but somehow the money went to paying for someone else's needs. His sisters have learned to say no, he has not. Yes his dad has a bad back so he feels obligated to take care of certain things. There is nothing worng with cutting the grass, taking out the trash, helping around the house but there is something very wrong with being late to work for the 3rd time this week because you were driving you mom around to take pictures. She can drive her own around. I could go on and on about some the things that are just plain worng about his family make-up but mine is not perfect either so I steer clear of saying certain things to him.
He is not depended on, he is being taken advantage of. He is tired of it and is determined to get out of the house. His goal of getting himself together is not the issue. I am all for it. I never said I didn't want to give him space to do it. That's why I said " I smelled the coffee". I did not want to be holding on to him and forcing myself upon him when he is trying to take time to get himself together.
I think the post got a little off track because I asked why he freaked and started acting weird I finally told him I would give him space. That confused me and I wanted to uderstand him better from a male's perscpective. People starting posting questions and it grew from there. You guys have been the biggest help in this situation. I would probably still be on the floor if it wasn't for some of the encouraging and truthful words you guys have posted.
Please keep posting. This is very theraputic.

[Xochipilli]

Sorry for the misunderstanding. Yeah, he needs to leave that situation. When he finally manages it, he might be in a better position to deal with what the two of you could become. But I still think he was never prepared for the emotional life, surely not by his using family. How many long-term relationships has he been in before? I'm guessing none, considering his age and how long you were going out with him. You represent an unknown land to him.

[yoyolb]

Valinors_Sorrow,
Calling his family dysfunctional is not an insult. Mine is too! Just in a different way.
I realize that this man needs space. I have told him to be selfish and take care of him. I have supported him all the way. I only wanted to know why he freaked when I said, "You are right, You can't do this with me". He called me and reeled me back in and started to play with my feelings. Like making dates with me, going out with me, then acting like he was mad at me. Asking me if I was dating someone else. Saying that he didn't want to work it ot, then calling me to be his Valetine. Things just got complicated.
I guess the bottom line here is that he needs space and time, but he doesn't want to lose me in the process. I tried to be there for him but as long as I am "there" we will be in some sort of relationship. Which he does not need. I had no problem being patient until he started to play games. Now it's just a matter of, will he get himself together before I actually move on. I have learned to disregard his fickle behavior and mean comments and focus on what is really going on. I love him and I know he loves me but time is of the essence. Like that say, If youlove soemthing, set it free, if it comes back then it's your to keep. I guess that saying is really true.

[yoyolb]

Xochipilli,
I will be so grateful when he gets out his parents' house. I think he will be a much happier person when he leaves.
I agree that he was not really prepared fro this relationship. We talked about it often. We went to high school together but never spoke. We met years later, exchanged numbers and we stillwent separate ways when I found out how old he really was ( he lied at first). SOmehow we ended back together and it grew from there. We knew this day would come but I guess I thought we would work through it. It didn't work like that ;o(.
He actually had a lingterm relationship before he met me but, ironically that ended because he blew up at her and she never looked at him the same ( his exact words). H esaid he really liked her but he wasn't sure if he loved her. Then another girl he dated for a while, stood him up on Valentine's Day. He just has been hurt in the past.

Valinors_ Sorrow,
I think you may be on to something about the mental illness. I forgot that in the midst of our relationship, he often said he didn't feel like himself at times. He would get really down on himself and then be really excited and motivated, then he would get down again. I remember us talking and as a teacher, I teased him about having ADD. Later I read something about bipolar and it seemed to fit him too. I was just nervous about approaching about that subject.
I can't believe I forgot about that! I think you really are right Sorrows.

[valinors_sorrow]

Valinors_Sorrow,
Calling his family dysfunctional is not an insult. Mine is too! Just in a different way.

I am relieved! :o And not surprised. But here's the rub -- that you come from one too could be how you still aren't seeing this so clearly. Please consider that, okay? You may have picked someone who isn't available or even more possible you may have picked someone who you thought has as many problems as you do so you'd stand a chance with them (that's exactly what I used to do, by the way). You have a part in this and its worth looking it over to be sure this isn't your pattern.

I tried to be there for him but as long as I am "there" we will be in some sort of realtionship. Which he does not need. I had no problem being patient until he started to play games. Now it's just a matter of, will he get himself together before i actually move on.

You see that he doesn't need a relationship but then you offer one and wait for him to boot -- see that? That doesn't make any sense and you are the author this time, not him.

I have learned to disregard his fickle behavior and mean comments and focus on what is really going on.

And disregarding problematic behavior is how dysfunctional people accommodate other dysfucntional people. Its one thing to understand a partner is not themselves, but its also possible to tell partners who are like that to quit being an a$$ too and they will modifiy to some degree immediately. Please don't kid yourself here, you do not have that kind of rapport with him. That speaks volumes to me.

I see a lot and could say a lot more. I am often not sure in circumstances like this here with you how much to reveal. You may have your own form of denial going in this that I do not care to rip the cover off. That would be bad. So I am treading with care here.

[s_cianci]

I think you did the right thing. He's got a lot to sort through right now and isn't in a position to give himself to a relationship. I wouldn't even worry about reconciliation right now. It might happen or it might not. Right now both of you have to work on yourselves. Don't even worry about his fickle behavior. It may not make sense but that's not worth addressing right now. Take care of yourself right now and let him take care of himself.

[yoyolb]

Valinors_Sorrow
I think from all the posts, my original statement got missed. I recognize that there are issues that he needs to resolve therefore, I finally backed off. The problem came when, I finally said that to him, he came back but with negative energy. I was only trying to clarify why this was his behavior. When I say get back together, I mean in the future sense. After things have been worked out on both ends. I am not trying to get back woth him 2 morrow which why I told 2 weeks apart was not going to help our situation and I backed completely out. We may or may not get back together. Through time and help, I have gotten stronger and have learned to accept that outcome. Did you read the entire post or just the last few clips?
When I say my family is dysfunctional, I say that only to say that NO FAMILY IS PERFECT by any means. As a 2nd grade teacher I have seen family different typesof families and they all have their issues. That doesn't mean we're all crazy or going to end up that way.
Maybe I got a little lost here but I don't know what "problems" you speak of. I am not afraid for you to say what you "see". Speak it. I am either going to agree or disagree. I am open to all ideas on this. If you would like, you can -email me if you think you don't want to post it for everyone to read.

[valinors_sorrow]

Valinors_Sorrow
I think from all the posts, my orginal statment got missed. I recognize that there are issues that he needs to resolve therefore, I finally backed off. The problem came when, I finally said that to him, he came back but with negative energy. I was only trying to clarify why this was his behavior. When I say get back together, I mean in the future sense. After things have been worked out on both ends. I am not trying to get back woth him 2 morrow which why I told 2 weeks apart was not going to help our situation and I backed completly out. We may or may not get back together. Through time and help, I have gotten stronger and have learned to accept that outcome. Did you read the entire post or just the last few clips?
When I say my family is dysfunctional, I say that only to say that NO FAMILY IS PERFECT by any means. As a 2nd grade teacher I have seen family different typesof families and they all have their issues. That doesn't mean we're all crazy or going to end up that way.
Maybe I got a little lost here but I don't know what "problems" you speak of. I am not afraid for you to say what you "see". Speak it. I am either going to agree or disagree. I am open to all ideas on this. If you would like, you can -email me if you think you don't want to post it for everyone to read.

I have read from the beginning everything posted here. I don't subscribe to your definition of a dysfunctional family and our disagreement there says to me I better leave this where it is for now. And more to the point, I am glad you worked it out so you can refrain from seeking a relationship with him unless its down the road. I rarely see that happen but certainly that's not to say it couldn't. :)

[yoyolb]

Dang Val!
I didn't think you would take it so seriously. I appreciate all the insight EVERYONE has given and I take everything in consideration. I am young and have a lot of living and growing to do. I hope everyone who posted to my question realizes that I am taking in all advice even the stuff I didn't want to hear.
I thank you guys so much.

[yoyolb]

Just an update.
He actually called me a couple of days ago to tell me about some stuff he had going on. It was nice to hear is voice. It was nothing serious. Nothing about restarting the relationship but he did come over and we curled up in a blanket and talked all night until the sun came up and I had to go to work. He actually wanted to me to call in or take a hald day but of course I didn't. He wanted to saty till I got home from work but I declined that as well. We have talked sporadically since then.
I know it's not anything spectaular but, remember, this is the same guy who said he didn't want to talk, work things out, etc.
I will keep you guys psted.

[valinors_sorrow]

Just an update.
He actually called me a couple of days ago to tell me about some stuff he had going on. It was nice to hear is voice. It was nothing serious. Nothing about restarting the relationship but he did come over and we curled up in a blanket and talked all night until the sun came up and i had to go to work. He actually wanted to me to call in or take a hald day but of course I didn't. He wanted to saty till I got home from work but I declined that as well. We have talked sporadically since then.
I know it's not anything spectaular but, remember, this is the same guy who said he didn't want to talk, work things out, etc.
I will keep you guys psted.

That you can curl up in a blanket and talk all night and hope he calls you later "without restarting the relationship again" says to me I have nothing constructive to add to this thread so I wish you well and quietly unsubscribe to the thread. Good luck.

[yoyolb]

Great

[brkfstatiffs]

He's scared to let you go. But at the same time you don't deserve to have to wait around. So give him his space and get out there and date, keep busy with your girlfriends etc. If it's meant to be it will work out, but in the meantime a little space is probably healthy. I'm going through something very similar, my problem is I give in every couple of weeks and talk with him, I keep thinking I'm ready too but in reality I'm not. Maybe just take a step back in stead of cutting it off altogether?

[yoyolb]

I totally agree. It has been a long and crazy road for me to get to this point. I went frm crying everyday, to begging, to finally understadning that I had to let go.
I have been going out with friends and enjoying life. I refuse to cal him and have stuck to my guns. Anytime we talk, it's because he called me. I will talk anytime he calls but I will not call him until a relationship has been a established. I enjoyed our talk, but I took it for what is was. Just a talk. He never brought up the relationship and neither did I so I figured he just missed me. Thanks for your comment and I will continue to remain my distance.

[yoyolb]

Just an Update!
Well It has been over a month since I have logged on and SOOO much has happened since then. I have been dating, having fun, learning a lot about myself and I can honestly say that I am happy! My "friend" still calls and we talk. He has made so much progress it is unreal. I am so proud of him. He even asked if we could start things over. I said we should take baby steps and see how it goes. Things seem to be workign out great. I am so glad that everyone told me to BACK OFF. It took a while but it sunk in.
Will keep you guys posted!

[rol]

Hi Yol,
That's amazing , I was about to write to you yesterday to see how things were going as I have seen another similar case to yours working out well also.
It does seem that the thing to do in these cases is to back off yet be receptive.

Good for you , I am very happy. Take the baby steps,keep a step behind and keep us updated with how things go.

[yoyolb]

Update!
We are still going strong and things are getting better. We take things day by day and we have learned to communicate and be open with our feelings, wants, needs. Couldn't have asked for more!