[gingerwish1234]

Hi everyone, I did it. I had the talk last night.

Odd thing was, I was thinking of all of you when I was getting it started. Please let me not first forget to thank all of you, for your time, advise and for being there.

Now, I was so scared, so I had to pick the best time. I waited till Friday night and he did have about 2 beers in him, but that amount is more like water to him.

The main question – Is he happy with me? I asked him if he felt we were more friends than a married couple. His eyeballs popped out of his head and said, he loves me more than anything, and we are friends and lovers and he would be lost without me. I corrected him and said, no, we are not lovers. Which opened the conversation to the lack of intimacy. You could tell he felt terrible about the lack of intimacy and it bothers him, for me. Here are his reasons:

1) Stress ( he does everything for his Mother. Everything. If he could breath for her, believe me, he would) The way he is with his Mother, is one of the things I do love about him, and I am there helping him as well. His siblings do 0 to help. I did say to him, life has stresses, it's a part of it. It is no reason not to have intamacy. I asked him, what if we had children? How would you find time for them? He said, Oh, I would just cut back on my Mom. I looked at him, and said, then what about your wife?? I do not want him to cut back on his Mom. What he needs to do, is when he completes something for his Mom, leave it, it's done. But what he does in his head, is goes over and over and over it. And then moves on to the next thing he has to do for her, and mentally goes over and over and over it. To the point he just exhaust himself. I can not make him see this.

2) I brought this up – Him being on valuiums. He agreed does have something to do with it. I am not sure what to do about this as he does need something for anxiety and there is no way he could just stop them, he has been on them too long.

3) Financial stress – This I do understand. He sorts out the bills and gives them to me to write the checks. I suggested to him, that why don't we sit down and together we go through the bills so we both are sharing the load. He takes it as male pride or some sort of thing that he worries about the money.

What I said to him was, all of these things are so true. But making love is one of the best things in life and is so important in a marriage, it actually is a stress reliever. I told him this has been going on for years and we really need to fix it.

There were moments where he did get angry and inside I did too, with some of what he was saying, but I knew it was just defensive with him, so I just let him go.

I do think all of this is fixable. I even discussed with him the things I need to work on that may add to his stress.

I guess the long and the short of it is, I do have a really good guy, who does love me, but is just under a great deal of stress. Together, we will have to work on all of it.

Many thanks to all of you.

[talaniman]

I think you have made a very good beginning in you both communicating and deciding to work together. Very few solutions can be found in one sitting but if you keep talking you will get to a point where you both know what the other is thinking and expecting to happen. Over time this will lead to solutions that work for both of you. Be patient and keep talking. You have a lifetime so there is no hurry so just be happy with slow study progress and see a doctor or get informed about antidepressants and Valium as they do change the moods of the user and can reduce his sex drive without him realising it. You have a good guy and can be happy if you both let the other know how you feel and don't hold things in. We fellas cannot read minds. Neither can you.

[chuff]

As Tal said this isn't going to be solved in one sitting. But the fact that it was started and is now in progress is great. Maybe sit down once a week or every two weeks and have a talk about it. Just like last night stay calm and don't get mad. Also as Tal said we can not read minds spell out everything that is a concern of yours for him. This is a start but he's at least participating so as you said, your right you got a good one. He didn't blow you off or give you a bunch of excuse like some guys would do.

[gingerwish1234]

Thank you to you both and all who took the time, thank you just doesn't seem enough. I feel as though I am feeling my way through the dark here, very uncharted territory, but it really is so worth the try. I honestly never really spoke up before but I am so glad I did, as it really is for both of us.

I was nervous to see what the night sleep would do. If he would have a change of heart and be upset with me for bringing this up. But I actually feel less tension and I feel on equal ground with him.

You both are so right, one conversation is not enough. I am really scared about doing anything wrong. It's a delicate area. But if I do it with the best intentions and for the love I have for him, I figure how can it go be wrong?

First things first. I have to stand firm to this and not let us both fall back in to the pit of complacency. That may be my biggest challenge.

Again, thank you very much. I wish you much happiness.

p.s. He said next weekend we are going to have a romantic weekend. So hopefully you won't hear from me.

[chuff]

p.s. He said next weekend we are going to have a romantic weekend. So hopefully you won’t hear from me.

Look at that, he's trying. You know, and I know this sounds kind of stupid from where your sitting and the lack of intimacy but many times men don't know there's a problem. I guess this goes back to that, we can not read minds thing, but sometimes if a woman speaks up and tell us (and by that I mean talks to us and not yell or complain because that just drives us away from you) what's wrong we will react and try to do something about it.

[gingerwish1234]

Chuff - I'm sorry, it wouldn't let me rate you. But I do agree.

Chuff,

You are very right. Just so you know, he has said this many times to me and it never happened, but I think this time is different, because he now knows that, yes, it is something I do want, instead of me not letting him know that it was something that was hurting both of us.

You are also right in the way in which it is presented. I really didn't feel “emotional” last night, which I guess, when people are upset, including myself, you normally are emotional. I was just more focused on how does this effect him, so as to try and not make him feel bad. Of course, he still did feel bad, but at least he didn't feel under attack.

I just hope this makes him happy too and not one more thing for him to worry about. But that isn't what I am sensing from him, so that is good.

Something I also realised, is all the hurt I was feeling and coming close to indifference, was because I didn't think he cared about all of this or loved me as a wife, not just as a friend, and so I guess as my own defense mechanism, I in turn, shut down inside myself.

Once again. Thank you.

p.s. I hope you don't mind me telling you all this. I just think in case somebody else has a similar problem, maybe this can help them too.