[gingerwish1234]

Well, here’s my story and I really need advice. I have seen the advice given on so many post here, and would be so grateful, if you would be so kind to read this and let me know what you think.

I am married for 18 years. To a wonderful man. Caring, unselfish and shows concern for any pain or ache I may have. He never wants me to have a problem or ever be sad. Problem #1 is we have sex maybe 4 times a YEAR. Yes, YEAR. His choice not mine. Although, now it is my choice as well. As I no longer want him to touch me, as I just am too hurt.

I am drowning in my own sadness and deep resentment towards him. My husband likes to be the funny man. Loves to make the girls laugh. Especially when I am there. This has gone on my whole marriage. In the earlier years, I would express to him, how is obvious flirting (whispering in a ladies ear, “let’s get a hotel room together), hurts me. I would not holler or get mad, I would tell him how it hurts. I used to not trust my husband as far as cheating. Now I guess I do, but am at the point I really don’t care. I have heard voice messages from women, with sexual overtones in them, that just has made me loose all respect for him. I am now unable to become aroused by him, as I feel he has lost the right to touch me with his disrespect to me. Has he cheated on me? Well, he is so lazy and says cheating takes so much effort, but my gut tells me that he had, but I no longer look for evidence as I used to. I have realized this is very unhealthy for me.

To be very truthful, he and I are friends. We laugh and do get a long. He is a bit controlling but not overbearing. I do so much for his family and used to do it out of love, but now I find myself doing it because I have to and just be so resentful inside. I am angry and hurt.

You may suggest counseling, they may be a good idea. But to be quite honest, I have given so much, more than I wrote here, I really don’t feel like giving anymore. I love him but I am not in love with him. We are very different people. Very. I love romantic walks, he likes to observe the world and reveal how everyone in it is a asshol* and proceeds me to want to adopt his thinking.

I never ever want to hurt him. But I find myself not as pleasant with him. I have grown a great deal from the “girl” that he married. I am now a “woman”, one that is deserving to be loved AND respected.



What do you think?

[Wildcat21]

I've seen this a lot. Espcially at the stage you are in your marriage.

Quite frankly lots of deal breakers there.


I stronglu urge - INSIST on marriage counseling and see - if that doesn't work well. I strongly feel you'd be happier in a differnet relationship.

" we have sex maybe 4 times a YEAR. " - deal breaker in my book. Why be married - it's [art of it and actually VERY unhealhty to go through that - emotially and physically. It's a need.

Cousleing is the option you must do this tomorrow!! Se up an appointment.

+ if you have that guy insinct about them, well, everyone here knows my feelings on women's gut insincts... they about 98% of the time accurate.

You need some major changes in your life. Major. Start them today. Tell him tonight you two need major counseling.

I hope he is a good listener - if not - move on.

[gingerwish1234]

Wildcat21-

Thank you for taking the time and for your advice. I really do appreciate it. WoW, I thought it was me. Your so right, 4 x a year is a HUGE problem. I used to initiate all the time, only to hear he is tired. Really doesn't make you feel good at all. Then finally I just stopped trying and didn't even care.

All his guy friends tell him how lucky he is to have me and how beautiful I am (not that that matters), he takes money out of his pocket and says, here, I'll pay you to take her. It really hurts.

When we are home, he is always saying thank you for all I do and how lucky he is that I am his wife and he is very considerate of me. There are great things about the marriage.

I will definitely talk to him. I am so afraid though. Every time I try to talk about things, he always says "where is all this coming from this Dr. Phil nonsense."

My problem is I am going to need a strong desire to talk to him in order to withstand him
possibly just brushing it off as nonsense.

He does say to me, that he knows he doesn't pay enough attention to me (meaning sex), but it's just that he is so stressed and tired (which he does do a lot for his family)

Thank you again.

[Bluerose]

“love him but I am not in love with him.”

I was married for twenty years, I loved my guy and he loved me. But I was dealing with fallout from my childhood and he was dealing with being a soldier and being seriously injured in Northern Ireland twice. We called it a day in 19 90. Divorced in 1991. Still very good friends. I love him but I am not in love with him.

There are different types of love. But I have one rule… When The bad times outweigh the good times, it's time to call a halt

You can still care for him - but you don't need to be his doormat.

What you have is not a marriage. Divorce him and make him your friend.

[gingerwish1234]

Bluerose,

Thank you for your response as well. Sorry you went through a tough time too. Bluerose, in a way I do want out. But in a way I don't. He would be floored beyond measure if he knew how much I have grown inside.

My childhood was difficult, and it was he who helped me to get strong. His love. How could I turn and walk away from that. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe I should just be grateful. I am so upset.

I went to a priest a long time ago for advise and believe it or not, the priest said the same thing to separate.

But he really worries about me. If I am sick, he stops the world for me. If I am frieghtened, he moves whatever it is out of my way. Maybe I expect too much.

It is just hard for me the girls all around him. The constant sexual jokes in front of me. The cell phone calls from some of the girls. The cell phone calls have stopped but I only think it is because I said something.

I am starting to speak up more but this is all new to him. There is so much good about him, but I am an extremely passionate and romantic soul and he is the complete opposite.
I just was so broken when I met him, but I am no longer, or perhaps I am but now it is do to not feeling loved as a wife.

Sorry if I am going on and on.

I cherish the both of you for answering me. Thank you.

[Bluerose]

You are not 'going on', you are getting a very good point across.

He sounds like a nice person who just doesn't know that some of his actions are upsetting you. You sound quite strong. Ask to have a chat with him, tell him how you feel. Tell him you love him but that you have grown and can no longer accept some of his behaviour. He needs to know you are serious. And if he really cares about you he will take it onboard and be prepared to make a few changes. And even if he can't 'behave' you at least have been open and honest. So the next step should be no surprise to him.

We must change the tone of our voice, we must pay attention to out body language if we want others to take us seriously.

[gingerwish1234]

Thank you again Bluerose.

I am strong inside, because I think I reached my limit of tolerance. But you are right again, when I do speak up to him when something is bothering me, it comes out so soft and can barely be heard, almost in an apolgetic way.

I tell myself, that no one is perfect and no marriage is perfect and I should be grateful for what I have. But I feel so sad inside and I am no longer the "catering to" kind of wife. I still do all the stuff I used to do, but now I do let him know when things bother me. I no longer, I guess hang on every word.

There is more. When we go out, he never ever ever knows when enough is enough. He just keeps drinking until its time to go home. So we don't go out anymore.

Gosh, sure do have a lot I need to word on. It gets overwhelming and depressing.

Am I asking or wanting too much. There are wives out there and husbands to I guess, who don't get nearly the support I do with things.

I think it all comes down to really talking with him. But am I asking him to change who he is. Is that fair?



Thank you again.

[chuff]

I am married for 18 years. To a wonderful man. Caring, unselfish and shows concern for any pain or ache I may have. He never wants me to have a problem or ever be sad. Problem #1 is we have sex maybe 4 times a YEAR. Yes, YEAR. His choice not mine. Although, now it is my choice as well. As I no longer want him to touch me, as I just am too hurt.

Well I’m assuming he’s healthy and doesn’t have any medical conditions that are preventing more than sex 4 times a year. If you haven’t asked yet demand that he see a doctor. If it’s not a medical condition than the reality is the marriage needs to end.

Let’s be honest, marriage is a sexual relationship. There are other aspects to a marriage but at the end of the day it’s a committed sexual relationship. It sounds like you have a roommate and not a marriage. If your only have sex 4 times a year then the marriage is over. There’s no connection. There’s nothing unique that makes this a marriage. You yourself say you don’t even care anymore. It sounds like he hasn’t cared for some time so why bother continuing this.

I am drowning in my own sadness and deep resentment towards him.

I have a little saying that I repeat a lot and I think it applies here. That is “I’d rather be alone and happy then be with someone and be miserable.”

My husband likes to be the funny man. Loves to make the girls laugh. Expecially when I am there. This has gone on my whole marriage. In the earlier years, I would express to him, how is obvious flirting (whispering in a ladies ear, “let’s get a hotel room together), hurts me. I would not holler or get mad, I would tell him how it hurts. I used to not trust my husband as far as cheating. Now I guess I do, but am at the point I really don’t care. I have heard voice messages from women, with sexual overtones in them, that just has made me loose all respect for him.

I am now unable to become aroused by him, as I feel he has lost the right to touch me with his disrespect to me. Has he cheated on me? Well, he is so lazy and says cheating takes so much effort, but my gut tells me that he had, but I no longer look for evidence as I used to. I have realized this is very unhealthy for me.

Well nobody can say for sure but it doesn’t sound favorable towards him that’s for sure. But you should ALWAYS listen to you gut instinct. Your heart can fool you, your brain can make excuses, but your gut instinct is always 100% correct.

As you say you don’t even care anymore. The love is gone. It just doesn’t sound like it’s worth holding onto something that fizzled out some time ago.

To be very truthful, he and I are friends. We laugh and do get a long. He is a bit controlling but not overbearing. I do so much for his family and used to do it out of love, but now I find myself doing it because I have to and just be so resentful inside. I am angry and hurt.

You may suggest councelling, they may be a good idea. But to be quite honest, I have given so much, more than I wrote here, I really don’t feel like giving anymore. I love him but I am not in love with him. We are very different people. Very. I love romantic walks, he likes to observe the world and reveal how everyone in it is a asshol* and proceeds me to want to adopt his thinking.

I never ever want to hurt him. But I find myself not as pleasant with him. I have grown a great deal from the “girl” that he married. I am now a “woman”, one that is deserving to be loved AND respected.



What do you think?

I think you just hit on something. When you got married he was a boy, you were a girl and you grew into a woman. He stayed the same. You’ve grown and changed and he never left. I think that’s why you can like him as a friend without being that upset. His core qualities are still the same but he has no depth. You still like the core just not the rest of him. You on the other hand have the core qualities but you added more depth to who you are and what you want from him, life, and even yourself. You grew and expanded and he stayed the same.

[Bluerose]

You are very welcome. Interesting topic.

See, we don't need to hate them to not be able to live with them. We can outgrow each other.

I'm the oldest of five grown kids, I love them all so much but if I had to spend more than a few days with any one of them, we would end up killing each other!

Do you have children?

“I think it all comes down to really talking with him. But am I asking him to change who he is. Is that fair?”

You are not asking him to change. You are making him aware of something that upsets you. It's up to him whether he wants to do anything about it or not.

“Am I asking or wanting too much. There are wives out there and husbands to I guess, who don't get nearly the support I do with things.”

I did the “What have I got to complain about? There are a lot of people a lot worse off than me.” I felt so guilty about some of my thoughts. But We were hurting each other and not helping each other any more. Something needed to change or we would end up hating each other and we did not want that. So we talked. And we divorced. Divorced around 15 years and he still comes around to do the Santa bit. And he helps me with the young grandson I have living with me. I don't know what I would do without him.

“There is more. When we go out, he never ever ever knows when enough is enough. He just keeps drinking until its time to go home. So we don't go out anymore.”

Talk to him, tell him how you feel.

[gingerwish1234]

Thank you as well Chuff.

Wow. I guess when I say " I don't even care". What I really mean is, I feel so beaten down as far as that goes, I don't have the energy anymore that I once did in getting myself all twisted up about it. But I do care. I just don't want to know, because of the hurt. I am not sure I can withstand any more hurt.

I have no doubt in my mind if he loves me or not. He does. But I don't feel it's a love that you should have of a wife. He loves me, wants to take care of me, but I don't think he wants to "share" with me. If that makes sense. Share as married people do.

I came to him so broken, and he is a caretaker, I just want to now be loved for the woman that I am not the girl I was. And I don't think he wants that.

I thank all of you so much. I am brokenhearted over all of this. But I will take all of your words and give it much thought.

I have to do something because this isn't fair to him either.

Thank you.

No Bluerose no children.

[Bluerose]

I just wondered, if you had children, how did they feel about all this. I have three grown children and after the divorce they were hurt no doubt. But they have children of their own now and we all do fine. I just didn't want to end up hating him - he didn't deserve that.

Tell him you want to have a serious chat and tell him how you feel. Good luck and be happy.

[chuff]

Thank you as well Chuff.

Not a problem. I'm happy to offer some outsider perspective.

I have to do something becuase this isn't fair to him either.

I agree this isn't fair to him but he doesn't sound like he's been fair with you either. Just don't go beating yourself up over this is what I'm saying and placing blame on yourself where there is no need to place blame.

[gingerwish1234]

Thank you all so very much. You are all so kind. And I am so scared to have this talk.
I think he takes it very hard, that no matter how I word it, it will still be heard to him as, "he has failed". And that is what I don't want. But I think for both of our happiness
I really need to to this.

Thanks Chuff, I guess I was beating myself up. Your right. I just feel wrong inside for wanting things right.

Thank you again very much.

[gingerwish1234]

I just wondered, if you had children, how did they feel about all this. I have three grown children and after the divorce they were hurt no doubt. But they have children of their own now and we all do fine. I just didn't want to end up hating him - he didn't deserve that.

Tell him you want to have a serious chat and tell him how you feel. Good luck and be happy.

Thanks Bluerose.

[talaniman]

After 18 years, I think the lack of sex is a symptom of a greater problem and it takes honest communication to find out what it is. If a couple cannot communicate on that level then a third party may be able to help. If he will not go you should go alone to try to identify the problem and figure out a solution. I would also suggest a break from him as a chance to think without his influence or pressure. A vacation of sorts. A chance to be yourself and do what you please in peace. Bet you've never had one ever. Its nice to take care of one you love but you must also take care of yourself first.

[gingerwish1234]

Talaniman,

Thank you. I know what you are saying is perfectly true and the best thing to do. The lack of sex has been for years. It always bothered me, but I just never said anything. But it is a sign, I think of bigger problems. You are right.

Having a talk, and getting away to think, it exactly what is needed. But do I have the courage to make it happen. Can I get the words out and then be able to deal with his reaction of hurt and anger and more than likely putdowns. I will have to decide to stay like I am, which is no good for anyone, or find it in me to do what needs to be done.

Taliman, this is exactly the advice the priest gave me years ago. To separate temporarily.

He compliments me everyday about my appearance, and is attentive to me when we are at home, I do wait on him hand and foot, but I love doing that and he does appreciate it.

I do also notice that he is a lot nicer to me when he knows he is going to have a heavy night of drinking (which he does on the weekend at home), versus, if he is trying not to drink, then he isn't so nice all the time. More impatient. This is going to sound awful, but as long as I do what he says, (take his advice ) do what he wants (things for his Mom), life is pretty darn good minus the lack of sex, which is just awful.

He is an incredible son to his Mother. Incredible. I help out there as well.

Truth is, I don't think he respects me as his wife and I do feel me not be strong in years past, contributed to this.

Sorry, I seem to be all over the place.

Thank you again for your time and great advice.

[gingerwish1234]

I have a little saying that I repeat a lot and I think it applies here. That is “I’d rather be alone and happy then be with someone and be miserable.”


I think you just hit on something. When you got married he was a boy, you were a girl and you grew into a woman. He stayed the same. You’ve grown and changed and he never left. I think that’s why you can like him as a friend without being that upset. His core qualities are still the same but he has no depth. You still like the core just not the rest of him. You on the other hand have the core qualities but you added more depth to who you are and what you want from him, life, and even yourself. You grew and expanded and he stayed the same.

Chuff, I just can't seem to stop thinking about the above. I do love his core, but
Our differences from his core are complete differences. Night and day. Does that mean
That a marriage is failing? Just a question I have in my head.

Thank you again for your time. Those were incredible words.

[talaniman]

My personal philosophy is don't b***h, if your not going to do something about it.

[gingerwish1234]

My personal philosophy is don't b***h, if your not going to do something about it.

I hear you, loud and clear. Thanks. Just so scared. But you are right.

[talaniman]

Scared is okay, we all have that fear of how things will work out. To use it for an excuse to do nothing is NOT okay