[Klrdvb]

That FB comment just made it that it's not in my mind and I'm the Coo Coo.

He has no idea what he wants and doesn't want. Now that I got my stuff and he got his, it's reality of HIS decision.

I am glad I found out now. I will say when the table turned, made me feel a bit better.

I am so sour on him, that NOTHING in this world he could do could EVER get me back.

Don't want him, don't want us, don't want his "me/space issues".

He got what he wanted, he now is regretting it, and he knows when IM DONE IM DONE.

It did make me laugh when I saw the comment.

[amicon]

On the up side,you've learnt a valuable lesson-what you don't want from a relationship.

Most often that takes a couple of trips down the yellow brick road without finding the Wizard...

[Klrdvb]

I guess this is the email I had to write. I keep going on the fence about sending though. Part of me does and part of me doesn't. I guess I wanted it out that it wasn't just a one way street of him dealing with my baggage. It went both ways.
What do you think I should do?
See next post. Sorry about the length.

[Klrdvb]

Here goes.





Bob,
Time had got me to accept what I never thought would be acceptable. I wasn't going to ever contact you again, and I really never wanted to write this, but since what I have read; I HAVE TO FOR ME. You seem happy. Glad that disposing of me gave you happiness, because, it's obvious I am the source of all your stress and unhappiness. But I have stuff that I need off my chest. 

I will be brutally honest. Yes, your right I have baggage.  You knew my baggage from the start, I never hid anything from you. Ever. You told me that you didn't care, and accepted it, because you loved me. What a load of BS. You have baggage too. Just a little advice, you better CHECK your ex wife now because most other women would have dumped you a long time ago for what she had done to me and Madison 5x over. I didn't because she IS your baggage. I didn't dump you when SHE did what she did to a 8 year old and you watched and did nothing. I got the story from Madison, she told me you saw and heard and did nothing. I called you on it. You said you confronted her, but I know you didn't. I didn't leave you. I accepted it as something you can't control. When I heard that 7 and 5 year old say they don't understand why mommy doesn't like Madison. I sat back and watched you say nothing to her or your children. I had to, cause I saw Madison on the brink of tears. I DID, told them she disliked me and that's her prerogative. You didn't say anything. I accepted that, didn't leave you and dealt with it, cause I loved you. I also accepted that I could NEVER leave Madison with you on a Sunday when you were returning your girls because she couldn't promise to control her mouth, her emotions or anger if you brought "THAT" on her property. Who  did she think she was referring to Madison as a that? I sat back and watched you do or say nothing. But I didn't leave you, I compromised.  I accepted it as something I had to deal with because you couldn't control what she did or said and I LOVE YOU and she is a part of you. So yes, dear, you have a lot of baggage too. O and a heads up, the whole I brought a $1 home GETS old quick.  Gets old when we can never go on dates because many times, you were short on $$ and I got tired of paying for it. That dear most women will RUN from. I didn't, I loved you. I accepted it. I didn't leave you. When you went to Vegas, I gave you money because you were broke AGAIN. I gave, because I loved you. That was baggage was you, and I accepted it. I paid for Noels party and all her gifts, cause I knew you were short. I gave because I loved you. So I also compromised a lot too. I dealt with things that I didn't want too, but because I loved you, I did and didn't care. Was that stressful for me?? Yes, but I didn't run. Wasn't selfish. I didn't bail on you when it got tough, I dealt with it and accepted it.

For someone who claimed to love me so much, funny how you want ABSOLUTELY want nothing to do with me or EVEN the possibly of us. Fine, so be it. But, as a result that makes me question EVERYTHING that I held true about u, about us in my heart. I question everything about it. I heard and read how YOU feel, now I want to tell YOU how I feel. You said that you are tired of being pulled too thin, being pulled in all directions, not being able to say no, and not being able to control what's not controllable. You pretty much blamed me. You want to know how I feel? I feel that it's a cop out and your being a selfish coward. You just want your freedom. Not to have to answer to a relationship. Who knows, maybe you want to or are seeing someone else. Just don't lie. Don't lie to me or yourself. At least gimme that respect of the truth. You feel used, well so DO I. I feel that I got you through the loneliness portion of your separation, and now that your OK by yourself, I was the variable that could be removed and I was the one thing holding you from being the new you. I was the variable that can be disposed of like garbage. Yes, I feel like garbage. 

You need your space? Really? I never held a gun to your head, and I always told you TOO go out with your friends. I wanted to have a Superbowl party. You didn't. So don't gimme that load of crap that I was smothering you and you need your space and me time. I told you to go and play cards or go to the casino, YOU didn't want too. AND YOU KNOW THAT! I never forced you to be with me EVER. 

I feel that I was and have always been disposable. YES, that is how I feel. You love me so much, and yet you can't even see me now face to face?? You claimed that you love me, you wanted us, a future. But when it gets bumpy for the first time you BAIL out and you won't even TRY to make it work. Why?? CAUSE I question that you EVER really loved me and that you ever really wanted us. I question everything and anything about us, period. 

O I have seen your recent posts on FB and I can say I'm shocked. I really didn't know how important drinking and partying is to you. Funnels? 420? It's all in fun, maybe. When did you become 25? Those comments are real mature, especially from a 37 year old man. But I've never seen such a common thread in you lately. So be it. You know how I felt about that, I never hid it and sounds as though you want that more than you want us. If it was so important to you why get involved with me in the first place. You knew my history. You knew it when you got involved with me.

The thing I think that hurts the most, is what you are doing to Madison. THAT is the hardest blow to buffer. When she asks mommy, why did Bob go away? Why does he not love you anymore? Why does he not love me anymore? Why does he not want to see us anymore? What do I say? That we are too much stress for you? That your bailing out to be a selfish coward, or that you need your space to focus on you, your work and your girls and we that we don't fit into your life anymore? Riddle me that Batman.

So if you loved us as much as you said you did, we would be trying to make it work now for everyone involved. I would have done anything to make us work. Knowing that, and the fact that your not even remotely considering it, validates my feelings. 

Thanks for making me question everything that I held true. EVERYTHING. I appreciate that emensely. Thank you for hurting US. We appreciate it. I'm glad you can look at yourself in the mirror and that your happy now. I know I couldn't and I know I couldn't ever be happy with myself if I did such a cowardly and selfish act.

[amicon]

This is the kind of letter you write for yourself-then dispose of.

I hope you didn't send it...

[Klrdvb]

No I didn't send it. I needed to vent and to validate myself. It had me realize that it wasn't me and my baggage. He had major baggage too. So whatever. Blocked his #, deleted everything.

At least the hurt is less and the anger is setting in. Sad that I can function and deal with anger much easier than hurt.

Writing that email, letting some of the anger and confusion out, made me realize that maybe I shouldn't have dealt with what I did even if I did love him.

@amicon, thank you for helping me get through this confusing and chaotic time. I appreciate your advice immensely. You're a God send. Again thank you ((super hug))!

[amicon]

Anger,I've found is easier to deal with than the hurt.

Hurt can be paralyzing,but once the anger kicks in we're able to be in charge of our own lives again.

As in he did 'X' and that's so not on in my book!

And then the anger fades,and after some time you ask yourself what all the fuss was about!

I'm happy that I've been able to help< >and I wish you a calm Easter.

[Klrdvb]

Well it's week #4, and after 3 weeks of him playing head games, we had a "blow out" and have had absolutely NO contact with him. Nothing.

I won't lie, many nights I lay alone in my dark bedroom crying my eyes out. Soul wrenching sobbing. Many times I wanted to call him. My heart many times has tried to convince me to call. Tell him I still love him and want to make it work. But, now my head kicks in and won't let me. Have gone so far as to dial his number, but the head won't let me press send.

Am I still a mess, yup. Do I cry every night, yup. Will I ever contact him, nope. THAT is an improvement, small maybe, but a sign of healing none the less.

Do I think and feel in my gut 6 months that he will call me "to see how I am", yup. What I will do with that call them, who knows. I betting on my head at that point. For me to say that, THAT is also an improvement.

Just an update, as per himself, he is having a midlife and when he doesn't have his daughters wants to act like the last time he was single (22, he us 37) and doesn't want the responsibilities of a relationship of any kind. After 3 weeks of being broken up told me that he wants No one for a year EXCEPT his girls and a relationship with himself. O, and the ability to go out drinking every night if HE wants too...

I guess 40 IS indeed the new 50, midlife at 38, who would have thought.

Yes, I'm glad I found out about this side of him NOW, before our relationship progressed to the next level. Yes, that too is an improvement.

Am I mad at him? No. Wish I could be. Have I accepted that I will never get a black and white answer? Yes. Am I hurt and confused? Yes I am. Will I be OK after this? YES I WILL.

A big super huge hug goes out to amicon!! Thank you so very much!! You helped me mire then you could ever know!! ((HUGS))

[amicon]

You're doing fine;it's a process and it takes time.

Going with your head's always the sensible thing-and I think your selfrespect will keep you on the straight and narrow.

Of course you'll be OK,and better than ok-happy!

Returning the hug!!

[Klrdvb]

I have started counseling and we will see if it helps.

I still cry at night. I'm good during the day, and especially around my daughter.

I know it will take time and time does heal all wounds. It is getting better. I have my good and bad days. But at least the bad days are now only happening at night. THAT is an improvement.

I will have guard up and I will pity the next guy who wants to date me. Everyone builds walls, but my wall makes the great wall of china look like it's made of Legos.

If the USA had my defense mechanisms, we would never have crime.

:)

[amicon]

I think the counseling will help with 'the walls'-plus the fact that not a l l men are jerks... :-)

[Klrdvb]

Just when I think IT'S finally drama free, I get a Happy Mothers Day text. I kept it short, then next I know he is pulling the space card and the I need alone time.
I told him to watch who he talks too cause it's going out of his mouth and right into my exes ear. Told him drama will Im sure will happen if he doesn't. He thanked me and then said he doesn't trust anyone and everyone has an agenda. So *** ever.
Ok, YOU texted ME. Not the other way around. Seriously, I can come to the conclusion, that it isn't ME. He is really screwed up.

[vanheart]

Block him then.

Stop playing his game. Simple, don't respond. Disappear.

Stick with NC. Its tough, yes, but vital if you want this BS to end.

Hes lame.

Start a new life.

[Klrdvb]

That's the next thing I did. I have accepted that I can't understand something HE can't understand.

I know now it's not ME like I have thought. It's HIM. He is beyond confused.

I'm done, so done in fact, stick a fork in me and I'll fall apart, DONE!!

I am healing and it's getting better everyday. It's slow, but I know I will be OK! Finally, I can say it AND believe it!!

He is a WACK

[vanheart]

Now you're talking!

Stick with it. This will all be a history lesson. There's no reason beating a dead horse.

Now, do for you, for a change. Take your time.

You deserve it.

[Klrdvb]

I know. I believe it finally.

I big ((hug)) to u vanheart!

[vanheart]

Right back at you...

Let us know how well you are doing. K?

[Klrdvb]

I most definitely will.

I think I have my Days of Karen Life followers. They need to know what happens next :)

One thing I got from this is that I'm not the CRAZY one. He is the one with issues. His issues BROKE us up, NOT ME or my issues.

:)

[vanheart]

One thing to realize about this forum is that everyone benefits. Posters & advisers alike...

I came here a heartbroken basket case and needed the critical advice that my friends & family couldn't offer.

Im still here, learning every time.

Yup.