Check out some similar questions!

talaniman · Jan 30, 2007, 12:52 PM

Years down the road when the dust and hurt has settled and the maturity has come down (?) then maybe we can be friends. In the middle of the emotional turmoil, never!!

Wildcat21 · Jan 30, 2007, 01:34 PM

I am not really for it - someone ALWAYS wants more - + that can change too.

People think it's healthy - I don't - it also COMPLICATES GREATLY your next relationship - which totally makes it not worth.

Wildcat21 · Jan 30, 2007, 01:35 PM

I agree with his counselour strongly.

daisydew · Jan 30, 2007, 01:43 PM

It's just frustrating that he made me feel like the crazy one for feeling threatened by him wanting to hang out with his exes. His exes are pretty much the reason why our relationship failed. I wonder if he'll ever find a girl who will accept all his exes?

Wildcat21 · Jan 30, 2007, 01:45 PM

I think it's a dude who needs a lot of attention then. I dated a gal like this and just didn't think it was right. I think every dude she hung out with still thought he had shot. Very jaded - I think she enjoyed knowing that - but it all stemed from a jaded childhood. She toyed with them.

Skell · Jan 30, 2007, 02:51 PM

What Tal said.

Maybe years down the track when everyone has moved on entirely then perhaps you could. But I bet by then you won't want to and will most probably not even want a friendship.

But right now 7 weeks after the break up I don't think there is hope in hell of having friendship. NO WAY!

Fr_Chuck · Jan 30, 2007, 03:28 PM

The first 3 to 5 years most likely one of us would have went to jail if we were in the same town, but now 15 years latter we are friends, still live 1000 miles apart but talk a few times a year.

s_cianci · Jan 30, 2007, 04:48 PM

I really don't feel it's appropriate to maintain any on-going friendship with an ex that includes lunch dates and the like if one is in a current "committed" relationship, especially if the significant other expresses discomfort with that. I certainly wouldn't be comfortable with it if I were in your shoes. On the other hand, if one is being free and single and wishes to continue seeing his/her ex's socially then there's really nothing inherently wrong with that. Of course, an obsession with the past is never a good thing under any circumstances. It also isn't good to allow oneself to be led on by the hope of eventually getting back together with an ex if it's never going to happen. Remember, an ex is an ex for a reason.

SouthernBelle06 · Jan 31, 2007, 02:54 AM

I could never do it. My latest ex was similar to yours in that he kept friendships with most of his other ex girlfriends too. He had even had an ex girlfriend as a housemate at one time, and she had a fiance' at the time. She moved out when she married the new guy and my ex attended the wedding. I found that to be very odd. He also kept in touch with other exes via email who were long distance. One of his ex girlfriends is now dating one of his best friends and he doesn't even care. He is not bothered by it in the slightest. It's like he can just shut off his feelings like a light switch. Again I find that odd!

When he broke up with me, of course I got the "let's be friends" line and I said no. I know that he found that odd because nearly all of his other exes stayed his friend. I guess I was the only one of his ex girlfriends to turn him down. He made me feel like the "bad guy" (so to speak) in all of this. I still had feelings for him and was very hurt by the way things ended anyway (which was him suddenly dumping me for another girl), so I choose not to be friends with him. He kept contacting me for a long time despite my telling him not to though. I replied to him out of politeness, but finally after he started telling me about his new girlfriend (which was the girl he dumped me for), I ended contact for good. I think he must be an immature, unfeeling person or maybe just a clueless one. I don't really know. I had never had an ex act like him before. I couldn't be friends with him, but I still miss him. It makes me sad, but I can't do it.

As far as my other exes besides the one in question are concerned, I would probably be polite and chit chat if I ran into them, but as far as being friends... hanging out, talking on the phone a lot, I doubt it. In the instances that I broke up with a guy and knew I hurt him, I thought it best to leave him alone and not continue to hurt and confuse any of them, so I didn't stay in touch. I let them move on and find someone better for them than me. Then if they were the ones who broke up with me and I tried to be friends, it wound up that they wanted to turn me into a "booty call". Again, I know some people can remain friends with exes, but I never could.

valinors_sorrow · Jan 31, 2007, 04:10 AM

Sounds like he has a rational sounding cover for building some strange kind of harem LOL. Good for you for not buying it. I am definitely one for not attempting to maintain a friendship with an ex unless there are mutual kids involved -- its just too darned awkward and begs the question... why? This doesn't mean ex's, like terrible failed recipes, ought to be buried in the backyard LOL but letting go means you naturally drift away from each other. If there is no parent role requiring continued contact then I see traces of codependency operating under the guise of being "modern." Nobody is that modern, please (or if they are, then they're being pretty cavalier about matters of the heart and that really isn't my cup of tea).

steve_malibu · Feb 1, 2007, 10:52 AM

Originally Posted by daisydew

Hi everyone,
I'm about 7 weeks into my breakup now and I'm doing so much better! I'm so thankful for this board! I started seeing a counselor today because I was having guilty feelings about things I wish I could go back and change in the relationship.

One thing that really bothered me about my ex was that he kept in contact with ALL of his exes and ex "flings". He even went so far as to take ME out on a couple lunches with them. I voiced my opinion about how uncomfortable it made that he was still messaging, phoning, and occasionally hanging out with his ex girlfriends. He said it is just a sign of his maturity that he is capable of being friends with his exes. Personally, I felt like he was kind of keeping them on the backburner "just in case". He tried to go back to one of them right before he met me, but she wouldn't take him back as she had already met someone else.

The counselor today said that she thought him needing to remain friends with his exes was a sign of immaturity. She thinks he felt the need to hold onto the past, and it made him incapable of committing to the future. She also said it was immature for him to try to change my boundaries of not being okay with him hanging out with his exes. He made me feel like I was the one who was wrong.

I feel like I could NEVER be friends with one of my exes. I haven't talked to my first ex boyfriend since we broke up 2 years ago, and I never plan on it either. This most recent ex was my best friend, and we are extremely compatible personality-wise. I still feel like I could never be his friend though. I think I will always be attracted to him in some way, and that wouldn't be fair to whoever he was with.

I was just wondering what everyone else's opinion is on this. Are you friends with your exes? Is it ever appropriate?

This is very similar to my ex girlfriend, she kept in contact with her ex's all the time an it cheesed me off a treat - she used to try and make me feel small because if I were mature I would be able to accept that they were her friends now, very good friends? I understand you completely, we used to be together an one ex would ring an it felt like it spoilt the scene an I was like ? And others would want to meet up with her and if I didn't like it, which I didn't she would get defensive? A no win situation where she was in control. In control of me to a certain extent. But now we aren't together anymore all I can do is just completely ignore her, I spent a about 2 1/2 yrs with her an now I don't want to speak with her every again, if I saw her out though I would prob think she was hot - and also she would prob think same of me, so its not as if it isn't even but I think it is a good thing to forget your ex's listern to the counciler - they will only cause more problems later down the line and mess prehaps more important stuff up. Hope it helps at all, but I feel you I had a lot of crap about ex's

LBP · Feb 1, 2007, 11:08 AM

I've seen and heard both sides of this story... My pops was a pretty incredible person to me because he was always able to keep his old flames close, in terms of friendship, to such an extent that one of them became a fairly pivotal figure in my childhood and even into my early adulthood. That said, he would appear to be the rare case and I can say with certainty that the fact of her did cause my mother some strain (though many things caused her strain, to be fair).

I personally can see no reason why an ex shouldn't be a friend. I know I'm in the minority. I just don't see how a break up can be a big enough deal to lose friendship over, especially over someone you felt so close to. It makes sense if the problems are irreconciable, but that isn't always the case (not everyone gets cheated on/prooves themselves to be vile/etc). It seems like in the case of two people drifting apart, friendship should be doable especially when it's distance that's the culprit. I mean, what is it that distance does that's so terrible?

Yet, here I was not so long ago attempting to be friends with an ex who broke up with me because of distance and I didn't just get the stone wall I got ice cold hatred. And I was the one who was dumped!

So, short answer, no, long answer, yes with a but...

daisydew · Feb 1, 2007, 11:33 PM

I guess it just made me so uncomfortable knowing that they were so compatible at one point. He has a web page he uses and kept journal entries on there about his ex from 3 years ago that said some very personal things about their relationship. It just made me so uncomfortable that he had this "record" of all these things he said to her back then that he says to me now.. or that he used to say to me. I brought that up, but he said it's his web page and he didn't feel like deleting them.

I suppose I just don't understand how you can turn around and just be friends. There was something there that set a spark off between the two of you... I don't think that ever just goes away. I was at a restaurant with my ex and one of his ex girlfriends happen to walk in, but didn't see him. We were mid conversation and he just completely ignored me and watched her walk across the room with this sort of twinkle in his eye. It didn't seem like he was that over her to me.. even though he broke up with her.

Sorry this turned into such an unorganized rant. I think I just won't ever be able to be his friend. I will always find him attractive, and I will always remember how I got along with him better than anyone in my life thus far. It would be too hard to ever be friends.

valinors_sorrow · Feb 2, 2007, 02:05 PM

LOL... a scrapbook of sorts no less, sheesh! Any notches in his belts too? You are good to be clear of this fellow and let's hope he attracts partners who are as self-centered and ill mannered with their matters of the heart as he is. Please understand that many of these people don't have relationships, they have serial sex partners under the guise of it being a relationship so they don't feel quite so cheesey! And, no offense here, but let this be a lesson learned for you and those who read here. Red flags are not to be ignored. Better to change partners than attempt to change people who behave like this.

daisydew · Feb 2, 2007, 05:40 PM

Haha, definitely a lessoned learned. I guess I'm just taking the break up so hard because he really knew how to make me feel good about myself. I've never had so many compliments in my life... I guess he had to get good at that kind of stuff though since he's had so many partners. It still just makes me so mad that he made me feel like the bad person!

valinors_sorrow · Feb 2, 2007, 06:20 PM

Originally Posted by daisydew

Haha, definitely a lessoned learned. I guess I'm just taking the break up so hard because he really knew how to make me feel good about myself. I've never had so many compliments in my life... I guess he had to get good at that kind of stuff though since he's had so many partners. It still just makes me so mad that he made me feel like the bad person!!

Someone else doesn't actually make us feel anything. They invite us and we take their invitation or not. If you are easily made to feel good, it often works the opposite too. Part of the blessings that come with age is you learn to rely more on yourself for the feel-goods and you politely decline others' invitation to feel bad. You acquire more of your own power so that others don't have quite so much power over you. Some of what he did may not have been exactly genuine. So you might ask yourself-- have you really lost anything when it was based more on skillful manipulation then sincerity? If you didn't DO anything bad, then you have no reason to FEEL bad either.

s2tp · Feb 2, 2007, 06:34 PM

I can see the different views on keeping exes as friends, and its so easy to cross those lines of appropriate relationships.

I like to keep a few of my exes as friends purely because they are good people, but we just were not as compatible as we thought we could be. However I don't see any of them on a regular basis, I would never take a significant other out to lunch with me and an ex... that would be way too weird for all 3 of us.

I don't know if I would eel right going to dinner or just hanging out with a significant other and their ex... I am not an insecure person, and I believe in the line 'exes are exes for a reason' and I don't ever return to an ex... ok once, but I was being stupid... lol. Either way I think keeping exes as friends could be both immature and mature.. depending on the relationship, and how they treat their significant others compared to the ex. It is not right to expect a current BF or GF to get along with an ex, or to accept them in any way. That is selfish and immature to me.

LAB · Feb 2, 2007, 06:47 PM

Originally Posted by daisydew

Hi everyone,
I'm about 7 weeks into my breakup now and I'm doing so much better! I'm so thankful for this board! I started seeing a counselor today because I was having guilty feelings about things I wish I could go back and change in the relationship.

One thing that really bothered me about my ex was that he kept in contact with ALL of his exes and ex "flings". He even went so far as to take ME out on a couple lunches with them. I voiced my opinion about how uncomfortable it made that he was still messaging, phoning, and occasionally hanging out with his ex girlfriends. He said it is just a sign of his maturity that he is capable of being friends with his exes. Personally, I felt like he was kind of keeping them on the backburner "just in case". He tried to go back to one of them right before he met me, but she wouldn't take him back as she had already met someone else.

The counselor today said that she thought him needing to remain friends with his exes was a sign of immaturity. She thinks he felt the need to hold onto the past, and it made him incapable of committing to the future. She also said it was immature for him to try to change my boundaries of not being okay with him hanging out with his exes. He made me feel like I was the one who was wrong.

I feel like I could NEVER be friends with one of my exes. I haven't talked to my first ex boyfriend since we broke up 2 years ago, and I never plan on it either. This most recent ex was my best friend, and we are extremely compatible personality-wise. I still feel like I could never be his friend though. I think I will always be attracted to him in some way, and that wouldn't be fair to whoever he was with.

I was just wondering what everyone else's opinion is on this. Are you friends with your exes? Is it ever appropriate?

There is no way my husband would ever go for me talking to my exes. I would not feel right talking to my exes anyway. I think I would freak if my husband was talking to his exes. Each relationship carries weight of its own baggage. I am not a jealous person at all... it just does not seem right to carry on relations with exes. To easy to get yourself in trouble even when you do not mean to. Ya know. If your ex was about to get back with an ex before dating you and/or starting hanging out or talking more with an ex after you... forget him. He has cheating written all over him. Best of luck in a happy relationship. :) There are still afew good ones out there.

daisydew · Feb 5, 2007, 11:30 PM

Okay, so my ex decided to contact one of my friends to find out how I'm doing. She told him I was fine.. she didn't really think it was appropriate for him to be contacting her. I guess then he asked if I was dating anyone else yet... she said she didn't think so. He said he "had to go before he started getting emotional." Before he left though he said he wished I would let him be in my life since I was such a huge part of it before he broke up with me. I really can't be his friend. It's been like 2 months since he broke up with me but I think I'm still in love with him. I just need encouragement to NOT call him. It's so hard knowing that he might still care... AHH This is so hard. I was doing so well, and now I've been thrown back into this place where I miss him like crazy. How does he expect me to be his friend after he broke up with me? Am I supposed to just hang out and watch him go out with other girls? Ahh he's crazy... but I miss him.

Ulysses · Feb 6, 2007, 12:24 AM

Daisydew, hold on! I feel your pain, just try thinking about something different.
Don't waste the progress of 2 months, you've been strong enough to do that!
I noticed that by myself that although it's almost OK it throws you back whenever you hear or come across any news about them. But remember, if he really cared and wanted anything "aside just being friends" he would call YOU. But I also undersand they don't call because they try to save us from more hurt for no obvoius avail...
Be strong and take care of yourself!