[abc321]

Right. Which is exactly why I feel the need to talk to her. So I do know and can handle it from there. I can't stop the questions and doubt from consuming my thoughts.

[I wish]

You've got to do what you think is best for you.

However, the fact that she's with someone else means that you would be opening a can of worms by talking to her.

We're telling you from an objective point of view that no contact is the way to go so that you can heal. But it doesn't seem like you're ready to heal.

If you feel that you still need to talk to her, then go ahead, but be prepared that you're setting yourself up for disappointment. You're generating a lot of false hope and that's going to cause you a lot of heartbreak.

Just know that when you are ready to heal, no contact is a useful tool. Check out the no contact related threads in my signature.

[abc321]

Ok I haven't made the decision to talk to her or try to contact her. Yet. Could you give me some insight as to what the reasons are that she moved on to another relationship so quickly. I do believe nothing was going on between them two prior to our breakup. The way it was explained is she was at work Sunday afternoon after our breakup/fight. She looked miserable and the guy she's seeing now and his friends were teasing her about her mood. She told them we broke up and they suggested joining a group of friends Monday night so she could try to enjoy herself. Apparently this party fun lasted all week long and her and the other guy must have hit it off. Like I said earlier, he's not what she looks for in a guy, other than a schedule more suitable to hers. Could she really have fallen for someone so soon after this breakup? Why would she keep me hanging and not just tell me about it when she knew I'd eventually find out? Is this her way of coping? I need the best way to go about getting these answers from her because, I think it's inevitable that I'm going to have to see her face to face. I'm still not sleeping or functioning productively. So the no contact isn't working for me. I need to take a different approach. My mind works overtime and I can't just shut it off and move on without answers directly from her, no matter how harsh or how much heartbreak can come from it. I feel this can't get any worse than it is right now. Sadness I've dealt with before, it sucks but it's at least familiar to me. Confusion and stress are not things I handle well on the other hand.

[I wish]

Unfortunately, she's the only one who knows why she moved on to another guy so quickly.

Actions speak louder than words.

The bottom line is that she no longer wants to work on the relationship with you. I understand that it's difficult to accept, but the sooner you accept, the sooner you can begin to recover.

Also unfortunately is that you have a lot of unanswered questions. Why this? Why that? I ask you, are any of that important?

Remember: Actions speak louder than words.

So even if she gave you an explanation, it wouldn't bring her back to you. If anything, it would probably fustrate you more because you would dissect her explanation word for word. That would be unhealthy behavior and would prolong or even intensify your suffering.

Some things are better left unsaid for your own sake. I strongly suggest that you focus on blocking her out of your life. Read the NC related threads in my signature. The suffering will get easier, but for that to happen, you need to take a proactive approach in healing.

Otherwise, you're going to drag out the suffering. These unanswered questions are making you suffer. Why not end the suffering by forgetting about the answers to your questions. Again, some questions are better left unanswered.

[Ash123]

Hear me now. Believe me later.
This relationship needs some time off.
Why did she do what she did? She felt like it. It felt good. When people are unhappy they go to what makes them feel good. Some are more mature and practical than others. Deep down you know you all need to be apart.
WHY? Is not the question... It's HOW? Can you refocus your energy elsewhere?

[abc321]

Well, I'm sorry I wasted everyone's time because I got to the point where almost 3 solid weeks of limited or no sleep drove me nuts. I called her this morning to bring her things back to her and get mine from her. She accepted and I went there. We talked for almost an hour. I let her know I didn't like the way things ended. And that I felt we both owed it to each other to not have a 3 year relationship end without even speaking face to face since the day before we broke up. She agreed. I asked her if she really was over me or was burying her love for me out of frustration and exhaustion of trying to make something work that wasn't. She said she was indeed tired and frustrated but at the same time didn't bury her feelings, they are really gone. I told her I realize now that I got stuck in a bad phase of taking her for granted and apathy but that all I needed was to be hit on the head with a shovel to snap out of it and I think that with our love we could be happy again. She said I'm glad you discovered what was holding you back and want you to be happy, but it won't be with me. I've moved on, I'm happy with frank, we are spending a lot of time together and things are going well. Don't ask me how I kept my composure but I did. She told me she'll always have love for me and care about me, but she finally got to the point where she didn't care about our relationship, and never will again. It sucked big time, and part of me wishes I didn't show her that I still desired to be with me. But at the same time I'm to old to try winning her back on anything less than how I really feel rather than playing stupid games like getting her jealous. I did enough stupid things while we were together. Anyway, after we talked she asked me to join her for a smoke on her balcony. We made small talk about school and work and she cried a bit. We had a long hug and she thanked me for being so great and making the effort to reach out and talk so there would be no hard feelings in the future. We said goodbye like adults and I left. It definitely sucked hearing that she doesn't want to be with me and is happy with someone else, but I guess I'm one of those people that needs to be hit with a brick to know the truth. I'm hurting, but hopefully now I can heal by accepting it's over and stop with the questions of how and if I can fix this. Thanks.

[Homegirl 50]

I'm glad you had your talk, maybe it was what you needed. If you are dealing with two well meaning and mature people there really is no reason you can't talk and get an understanding rather than dealing with assumptions.

I wish you well and a speedy recovery.

[Ash123]

Brave.
Even though I told you what was up, you wanted to face it in person. Not everyone can do it. It's done, but don't forget, a chance has been given you. Keep your eyes open. You may be surprised that your heart will work again - make sure it's for the right person.

[abc321]

Unbelievable, truly. I finally started sleeping again after my talk with her. Days are still rough because I work by myself all day and do nothing but think. I started having hope that eventually I'd be happy like her and even got to the point that I was glad she is happier now even if it is without me. Then a bomb was dropped. A friend of hers called me from the bar after running into my best friend. She always liked and respected me and apparently still does because I was there for her when she went through a really rough breakup a couple years ago. Anyway she started by saying - forget that girl, I love her and she's a blast but you're way too good for her. I asked why she was telling me this, and after a little prodding found out that my ex was not faithful during our relationship and even had an affair with a married man. I was both sickened and relieved at the same time. Relieved that I wasn't crazy, my suspitions were not based on insecurity but on a real gut feeling. But I'm pissed. She LIVED with me. Which means she was coming home to me AFTER spending her evenings in someone else's bed.( or a hotel ) I am disgusted that I put myself through this kind of pain, begged, and told her I would change. And allowed myself to be subjected to having her tell me that my lack of trust was unfair and that it would keep is from moving forward. I actually blamed myself and that irritates the hell out of me. Now what? I mean, yes I'm glad I found out what a pig she is before there was a ring or children, but how do I allow her to get away with being happy with the man she left me for, and believe that to this day I still want her back after all of my groveling. I have such a mix of anger, betrayal and relief that it's overwhelming. Do I ever say anything to this or just allow karma to run it's natural course?

[amicon]

Maybe that's true-maybe not.
It's gossip,so in future,try to disregard such comments-there is no knowing this girl's agenda-why would she mention it?
She must have known that info must be hurtful to you.

No need to speak to the ex about it-if its true-what goes around,comes around.

You dodged a bullet it seems.

Keep healing,its about you now,nobody else.

[Romefalls19]

All I have to say about the rumor is "talk is cheap if the story is good"

[abc321]

It's not a rumor, it's truth. She cheated on her ex with multiple people before lining me up to eventually replace him. I should have my head examined for getting involved with her in the first place. I thought she was ready to grow up, and for a while I thought she did. She even expressed dissappontment in herself for the way she handled her unhappiness with her boyfriend before me. Even went as far as to call me her savior and that I taught her how to be a better person. But, as we grew unhappy together, instead of working on it, she resorted back to her old ways. Sleeping with a married man ( which she told me she did also during her previous relationship) and again lining up a replacement for me before ending it with me. She is rotten to the core. At this point I'm just angry that I wasted 3 years of my life with a complete phony. I want so bad to confront her and tell her I know every dirty secret about what she did behind my back and at the same time let her current boyfriend know what he's in for too. Also give him a big hug from saving me from a potential life long disaster. I doubt any of this would do me any good though. I too was unhappy in our relationship, but I was at least faithful. I have no tolerance for cheaters. And even less for women that make sure another man is lined up before they break their current mans heart. It's not hard enough that I'm dealing with losing the biggest part of my life but on top of that have it rubbed in my face that she's happy and living with the next guy ONE day after leaving me? Makes no sense to me how people can be so cold and emotionless towards anyone, let alone the person that was always there for you and loved you more than they did themselves. I thought I knew her better than anyone, now I see I never did at all.

[KevintheFool]

I feel like you have had a burden lifted from you :) discovering the person she really is and has been when with you. Its sort of easier to move along now! Score!

Why bother letting her know that you know? Or indeed, letting her current bit of stuff in on it?

My girl broke up with me and days/weeks/months previous was telling me about how she wanted me for life etc etc kind of similar to you right? The next day she's with a new guy.

They isn't worth it. Leave it behind you and be happy that it ended rather than continued.

You sound loads better than in your previous posts :) stay happy!