Girlfriend broke up already moved on
Hi, my girlfriend and I broke up. Actually, out of anger, insecurity and jealousy, I broke up with her. Over text message like a child. She was angry to say the least. We had been fighting every two weeks for months, breaking up or talking about breaking up, but then staying together without even leaving each others side after the fight in most cases. We were together for 3 years and I loved her deeply. But I was insecure from the start. I had my reasons though. I was pretty much a rebound. She had been with her ex before me for 4 years on and off. He cheated on her and was constantly drunk. From the way she explained it in, she had withdrawn from him 2 years prior to meeting me, had dated and slept with others in between her break ups with her ex etc.. Then she met me. We met at a mutual friends new bar that he opened. I was trashed, hit on her in a funny joking way and made her laugh. We hung out there for a few weeks before either of us even talked about having interest in each other and had a blast. Then we started going back to her friends a lot for after hours. One night we slept in the same bed. We kissed but mostly just talked and laughed a lot. We started having a connection and since she was always saying her current relationship is terrible and she just needs the guts to end it, I figured I had a chance. I pursued, would catch, then lose her back to her ex. She would lie about going back to him every time, but knew she was busted. This became a vicious cycle for months until I finally had enough. I stopped contact, ignored her calls and eventually she begged me back saying it was over with her ex. This time it really was. So now begins us. We were great in the beginning. She didn't technically live with me, but stayed at my apartment every single night. We had fun, went out to eat, partied, laughed, all that. But all along the way, I would periodically slip into states of insecurity and make her feel bad for lying in the past. We always got through these trysts rather easily. Now I realize I did it to see her cry. Not to hurt her, but to feel she loved me. It was unhealthy. Eventually this passed and the middle year of our relationship was great. Then I decided to buy a house. To do so I needed to save more money. Not only for me but her. I wanted to be able to help her through nursing school. So we moved to my parents for what was supposed to be about 6 months. It took longer. After a year she got her own apt with her best friend. I opposed but didn't object. She wanted to know she could make it on her own since she never had to in the past. She always had a boyfriend to take care of her. This created distance, but distance that I now see I caused. She still wanted to see me every night and go do things but I was becoming depressed, I just didn't see it. Instead of taking her out, I told her to go have fun with her friends. I always claimed to be too tired from working. My pattern became overwhelming for her I think. I worked, came home, ate, watched TV then bed. I was lazy, not fun and started fighting with her often. She would get upset with me because I never took her out and when we did we fought. I would in turn get upset with her because she wouldn't just relax at home with me. I used all the excuses to make her feel bad - a committed girl doesn't need to be at bars etc etc. I relize now, she's outgoing, beautiful, friendly, energetic. Of course she wants to have a good time instead of being a homebody. It got bad, yet through it all, when we were alone in bed together we were madly in love. But that became the only place either of us felt safe anymore. Eventually I told her we need to break up. That we had grown apart and were at two different places. She reluctantly agreed, and there it was. For about 5 minutes. We both cried. I was a little teary eyed, but she was bawling. "i don't want it to be over! I don't want to imagine my life without you!''... I caved. I thought, wow, look how much she loves me, how can I let this go? Every time we fought, or talked about breaking up, we felt closer together when we made up. But it didn't last. I was still stuck in a place of apathy and laziness and questioned how I felt about her. She withdrew more too. Started going out more often and that caused me to jump to conclusions. One night (the last night) I logged into her fb acct. I knew the password because I set it up for her to begin with. I called her out about guys sending her messages saying how beautiful she was etc.. There was nothing sent from her to anyone that implied she cheated on me but I flew off the handle anyway. I broke up with her through text like I stated earlier. She flipped, was so angry not only because of that, but the fact that I snooped through her . She said that's it, I'm really done this time. I didn't believe her, but I should have. I gave it 2 days, for me to put a rational head on and figure out how to apologize, and for her to cool off. I text her, how can I fix this? No response. I called, no answer. I got nervous, then the mistakes I made were compounded by fear. I text constantly one after another, nothing. Then I drove to her apartment. She's not there. Finally I get a text - I'm home studying, call you tomorrow. She lied, now I became really scared. I knew she would only lie if she was with another guy. I text more - you're not home, I came over to talk, where are you, who you with? No response. I called, left vm's crying and begging. I could se the depths I was falling to but couldn't control it. She never came home that night. The next day she called and said she was at her moms. I knew it was a lie. I cried more. My god what was happening to me? To us? I need space she said. I said be honest, do you need space or is it over? If its over tell me now so I don't hold onto false hope. Space she said. So I gave it to her. I didn't call. Didn't text. I just kept tabs on her fb status updates and she seemed like nothing was bothering her. Then I got the bomb dropped. A mutual friend told me she had gone out with another mutual friend the day after our big fight. And every day since. She slept at his house every night. Finally I went to the other guy for answers. Another bad move. He said it's inncocent for now, just a lot of partying and they kissed just once. And that most nights she slept there it was a big group of people there also. But they like each other, and she dosen't bring my name up. She told him we were over. I emailed her, took my share of the blame for the breakup, but laid into her for not coming clean about the aftermath. She emailed back. Things said were - our happiness was diminishing, I'm grateful for the years we spent, we've grown apart, but I've been masking my true feelings. I was crushed, angry, so I called. She said she was lying to herself that we could make it work. Swore nothing existed with him and the other guy before we broke up, and that she fell out of love with me and is sorry she hurt me. I was crushed. Couldn't believe after 3 years I could be replaced so fast. And she really seemed so over me, like she didn't mourn since the breakup one bit. I needed help. Wasn't sleeping or eating. So I saw a counselor. Was finally diagnosed with depression. Not from the breakup, this was causing my laziness which led to our fighting. The therapist made me realize, she had every right to move on from me. I wasn't giving her what she needed. I also realized, I didn't really want her to adopt my lifestyle, I wanted to be more like her, and began to resent that. I wish I had sought help before the end. Now I'm doing things, I'm workng out, seeing my friends more, staying busy. It feels good, but I still feel empty without her, and crushed that she is with another man that I pushed her to. I'm going to keep working on making myself a more complete person. Keep trying to reagin my old thirst for fun. Keep trying to get through the pain. I'm still left with some questions for now though. Is she really over me? Was this relationship over in her head and she dealt with the process long before me or did she immediately cling to the first guy that made her feel desired in a way I wasn't as her way of avoiding the pain of this breakup? Will they last? If I continue to improve my quality of life, will she want to give us another chance? I know the odds are not in my favor on that last one, but I would love to see if we could make it work if we were on the same page. If not then at least I would know we gave it our best try and it wasn't meant to be. I truly love this girl, I wish I didn't use having her as an excuse to hide from my own problems before I lost her. Sorry so long, any help is appreciated.
