[talaniman]

That's okay Skell we will wait.

[rol]

<What is different about it? Can you give me a heads up?>

OK ill give you a start...
In the 20s love is a bit of an addiction , the fairy tale love,and you seem to run from one love to another, to need someone,for me I also seemed to like those "bad charming guys", there was not much communication about needs or what you expected from relationship etc , you just wanted to live happily ever after!!

Fast forward to 29 and things completely change, suddenly you realise love is not like in the fairy tales, you become so independent and realise you are a full person and you do not need someone, and in fact what you find is best is to find someone who compliments you, who has some aspects to the personality you do not have.. then in the 30s I am realising Love is not those sparks of passion , Love is what is LEFT OVER when all that paper wrapping is gone.. Love is just sharing a simple life, doing normal day to day things... being there for each other. That is Love.
I have many friends who I have discussed about this who have all gone through the same, many left stable relationships as they thought that love was "those sparks" but as they reached mid 30s , 40s they saw that that is not Love.

I think it is just a live and learn experience..
From a girls point of view... lets hear the mens view!

[Geoffersonairplane]

<What is different about it? Can you give me a heads up?>
Fast forward to 29 and things completely change, suddenly you realise love is not like in the fairy tales, you become so independent and realise you are a full person and you do not need someone, and in fact what you find is best is to find someone who compliments you, who has some aspects to the personality you do not have..then in the 30s i am realising Love is not those sparks of passion , Love is what is LEFT OVER when all that paper wrapping is gone..Love is just sharing a simple life, doing normal day to day things...being there for each other. That is Love.
I think it is just a live and learn experience..

Hey Rol, you raised some very good points here and you actually surfaced something I had a discussion with my ex before we broke up. This is almost exactly what I was debating with my ex and I always thought that I was trying to make it work out like the 30's understanding of what love is even though I am not quite there yet.

Problem was, I was sharing this vision of love with someone who was in the 20 zone... Did not work! You cannot force someone to grow up, you need to let them experience life and have experiences which encourage this. On reflection, I know my ex had a lot of growing up to do and I think that the relationship we had was perhaps preventing her from doing so. You should not protect someone from the bad in life because if you never know, then how are you going to learn from it?

This is really good stuff here! Thanks..

[rol]

Yes you seem like a mature guy Geoff, also you can reach the place before 30s(so maybe you are already almost there) , I think it all depends on the experiences and relationships you had in life while younger.

<<Problem was, I was sharing this vision of love with someone who was in the 20 zone... Did not work! You cannot force someone to grow up, you need to let them experience life and have experiences which encourage this.
>>

Exactly. It will not be until she meets jerk after jerk that she realises...

Also I totally agree that every girl needs a wild girl phase where she realises all this..
The girls I know who broke up had all missed out on that phase and had settled down while young... and they thought they were missing out on something!

[JDOP]

Hey Geoff,
I'm doing fine, having "fun", keeping myself busy with work and other stuff. I went through the denial, acceptance and hate fase already. 2 weeks ago I gave her back her stuff. She still kept me on a leash by saying: "we'll see", "never say never" etc. and I think that is the reason that drove me into the hate fase. I still miss her though, dream about her every night and I still love her with all my heart. That is, I miss the person she was before she broke up with me. The hardest part of this situation is to not know what she is thinking: is she missing me too? Does she still love me in any way? I figure that she probably doesn't think about me at all. She feels better now and that's that. After all, she dumped me. She might miss me, but probably in a whole other way than I miss her. It is difficult to unerstand, after 1.5 years. That's why I find the latest post about the feelings of a dumper particularly interesting. What I am guessing is, that in time she will realize the pain she has caused me, and understand what she threw away. By that time, it will be too late probably.
I think I'm going to keep on doing what I'm doing now for a few weeks. Maybe I'll give her a call or something around christmas to see how she's doing or to invite her for a coffee or something, if I still want to.

How are you holding up?

[ballybee]

It's funny though.. she broke up with you and says "never say never"... I am afraid this is no good.. if she is young... you got to let her do her part of growing up, do her homework and has to come back to you by herself and state exactly what she expect out of a relationship with you...

[Geoffersonairplane]

How are you holding up?

Thanks for asking! I am O.K, it's been 3 months for me now since my breakup with my ex and No Contact for 2 months. I am not expecting any either and not holding out for any. I am not quite there yet, I still have some healing to do but time really has helped, especially in the last month or so where I have began to make certain changes in my life and by reflecting less on the breakup and more on occupying myself. I still have moments though where I feel down but I just ride it through and then get back to positive thinking again.

I'm doing fine, having "fun", keeping myself busy with work and other stuff. I went through the denial, acceptance and hate fase already. 2 weeks ago I gave her back her stuff.

Excellent that you are keeping busy and occupying your mind. This is part of your process of healing and really will help. How long has it been for you, is it a month now? I would be prepared for a few more ups and downs and you might find that you slip into the anger and sadness phase a few times more. You can't really put a time limit on recovery as everyone deals with grief differently. I read somewhere though that you should allow 2 months for each year you were together. I suppose it also depends on how emotionally invested you were and at 1.5 years, I suspect you were and it's clear anyway that you were from your previous post a few weeks back: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...oth-42570.html

She still kept me on a leash by saying: "we'll see", "never say never" etc. and I think that is the reason that drove me into the hate fase.

I would stop talking to her where possible, I know that this was probably necessary for you to give her things back to her. She probably will be eager to know if you are still interested, still pining for her or if you have accepted it. This is why she said what she said. Somehow, the dumper sometimes resents it if you move on! Best not to analyse this too much and just forget about it because it won't help you.

The hardest part of this situation is to not know what she is thinking: is she missing me too? Does she still love me in any way? I figure that she probably doesn't think about me at all. she feels better now and that's that. After all, she dumped me. She might miss me, but probably in a whole other way than I miss her. It is difficult to understand, after 1.5 years.

Forget what she is thinking or feeling. She dumped you remember? Forget the idea of her missing you. She wanted her freedom, now she has it, if she misses you later on, then that is for her to deal with and not for you to worry or be concerned about. This time you have now is for you to firstly heal and secondly to build a new life without her.

What I am guessing is, that in time she will realize the pain she has caused me, and understand what she threw away. By that time, it will be too late probably

Yes, quite true, it probably will be too late but again, don't even contemplate such a scenario. Let go of these ideas of her regretting it and coming back to you.. The problem is that it really holds you back from moving on. It is a hard thing, I won't disagree on that but you must try your best... You sound like you are coming along well, perhaps better than I did I think.. It took me a while to stop this viscious cycle and sometimes I still have my moments.

I think I'm gonna keep on doing what I'm doing now for a few weeks. Maybe I'll give her a call or something around christmas to see how she's doing or to invite her for a coffee or something

I would carry on with what you are doing but I would not call her around Christmas. Why would you want to put yourself through that? And what if she said no and told you not to call her? You would likely be back at square one again. You would feel rejected all over again. It's up to you, I know but keep strong...

Take it easy and let everyone know how you are doing around here..

Geoff..

[Geoffersonairplane]

It's funny though.. she broke up with you and says "never say never"... I am afraid this is no good..if she is young.... you got to let her do her part of growing up, do her homework and has to come back to you by herself and state exactly what she expect out of a relationship with you...

Yeah, this guys ex is 19 if I am correct.. He is 22, both way too young for a serious relationship.

But I am not downgrading your relationship with her JDOP, I am simply suggesting that for the moment, you both perhaps need to explore yourselves a bit more, especially her.

I think you need some time out though too.. Time out from the relationship thing not time out from her might I add..

It will do you the world of good!!

[talaniman]

Originally Posted by JDOP
I think I'm gonna keep on doing what I'm doing now for a few weeks. Maybe I'll give her a call or something around christmas to see how she's doing or to invite her for a coffee or something

It would be better if you waited a lot longer as Geoff has pointed out, the holiday is not time for drama and intrigue, or putting undo pressure on some one. A better option is family and friends for the holiday. Stay on your course.

[talaniman]

Man View of love (Or life, whatever comes first)

20's-Better than high school but still strong feelings and still weak for the females, a wink will still make you stupid, but the hormones don't care so its on!

30's-Smoother and having been burned more cautious. If single still horny and on the hunt, if married, having a good time with babies and working his a33 off to be broke.

40's-More settled and may have a lot of g/f's, Still likes to party, but more sophisticated, saves money for new car.

50's- settled into a good relationship and old enough to know how to deal with everyday things and not panic, Comfortable with life.

60's-To be continued later.

[BlazingCold]

It would be better if you waited a lot longer as Geoff has pointed out, the holiday is not time for drama and intrigue, or putting undo pressure on some one. A better option is family and friends for the holiday. Stay on your course.

You're right, tal. Me and my ex exchanged gifts on Christmas day last year. It was really good to have a person to share the holidays with instead of just family (I don't hate my family, just for a change of pace).

What hard now is that for the last week, I've seen all different types of gifts that would be perfect for my ex, but she isn't here. I think about someone else thinking along the same lines and getting them for her and that hurts (a little, but enough) me. I got a catalog in the mail that even had her name on the cover!! The universe plays cruel tricks on us.

But I'll leave her alone during the holidays. Haven't contacted her in over a month, can't break that up now after I've come so far.

[Geoffersonairplane]

You're right, tal. Me and my ex exchanged gifts on Christmas day last year. It was really good to have a person to share the holidays with instead of just family (I don't hate my family, just for a change of pace).But I'll leave her alone during the holidays. Haven't contacted her in over a month, can't break that up now after I've come so far.

You're right Blaze, you have come very far since a month or so ago. It would not be good to break the healing process now. This will be the first Christmas in 3 years I will not be spending with my ex... It's going to be hard but at least when this hurdle is over, the only other thing I could think of is her Birthday in March (her 21st--and I really wanted to be there for that) but I will be a lot more healed by then because I can feel my recovery now, even after 3 months..

Yes, it would have been nice to be there for my ex's 21st but life goes on!

And it will for you too Blaze!

P.S Spend all that money you spent on her on yourself and your family this Christmas! Or you could even put that fraction of the money you spent on her into a savings account, kind of a positive new years resolution to save what you spent on her..

Quite often, we can turn negatives into positives if only we open our eyes!

[wap]

This doesn't have anything to do with me specifically, but with all these threads about ex's wanting you back, or you wanting your ex back, is it ever a good idea to get back with an ex?

I mean, people grow apart, people change their minds back and forth, and certain events in life may rekindle feelings for someone in the past. Perhaps even a chance meeting, leading to coffee or lunch, may start up something which both parties thought had been put to rest. The thing is, reunions/second rounds DO HAPPEN, but the question is, is it healthy?

It's portrayed in movies all the time, and though movies should no way be taken as a map for conducting one's actions in real life, it's interesting how getting the ex back/second chances are the "happy endings" in movies. Perhaps there is a hidden, subconcious truth to this portrayal?

So for those of you who broke up, got dumped, or simply grew apart, do you think getting back with your ex is a possibility? A healthy one? Could it even be healthy?

Discuss!

Well, I thought at the beginning my ex would come back, I am realising as time keeps going by, that he is not. It has been since July so I doubt it very much, more chance of winning the lottery ha ha! And winning the lottery would be better : )

[JDOP]

I don't think you can ever get together with an ex if you really really want to. Only after time, when you both have more or less forgotten about each other it can happen I guess. I mean then you can have a "first date" feeling again. When you are dragging along the past it will never happen. After we broke up she told me to look at things in perspective. It's not the end of the world she said. At first I thought that was a very cold and heartless thing to say and it can only come out of the mouth of the dumper. Now I realize that she is right. It isn't the end of the world. It's just something that happens to a lot of people every day. The trick is to not care. Not only to pretend you don't care but to really not care. I guess that's the only way 2 ex-lovers can get together again

[Geoffersonairplane]

Only after time, when you both have more or less forgotten about each other it can happen I guess. I mean then you can have a "first date" feeling again. when you are dragging along the past it will never happen.

Interesting point..

Just remember though that there will always be a past. Whilst you should not dwell on the past, you cannot deny that there was one. To do this would be foolish and you would only end up making the same mistakes again if this theoretical reconciliation could ever happen.

It's not the end of the world she said. At first I thought that was a very cold and heartless thing to say and it can only come out of the mouth of the dumper. Now I realize that she is right. It isn't the end of the world. It's just something that happens to a lot of people every day.

It's good that you are starting to realise this..

It can only get better from here!