[GreenGo]

I don't really have any ex's that I even hang out with and technically girl 2 wasn't an ex :/ It was a girl I used to be really good friends with and then we tried a relationship about 1.5yrs ago and it didn't work out... There was an instance though about a year ago where I was drunk and called the girl and said I still had feelings and then basically ed her out for having a dbag boyfriend... Insanely Stupid. I haven't drank since. But that's why I apologized today. Plus we used to talk about everything and I figured since she knows girl 1 better than anyone else that I feel comfortable talking to, that it may benefit our relationship, that is as soon as she realizes I'm completely 100% over this girl.

That's kind of what I said to her when we talked... I asked her why she is even mad. I know she's just scared because her ex reassured her and then found someone else. I know she'll get over it. We had a long phone conversation tonight and she was much more calm and gathered by the end of it. I just kept reassuring her that I'm in it for the longrun. It's nice to see that she actually cares though. I worried in the past about how strongly she felt because at times when she was angry she told me to do what I wanted, however I never left. At the same time I was kind of irritated that I was basically being compared to her ex... Its not a huge deal though because I know that she will come around and realize. This has probably been the biggest arguement/fight we've been in so far. And even though I still believe that she has her doubts, I'm more confident than ever now because I know for sure that she is in this to the same extent as I am.

It basically makes commitment a nonissue for me because I know she is in this for all the same reasons. I know that she just wants to be confident before we commit and in all honesty I want to have the confidence as well before I commit. Therefore I'm just working on showing her that I am here for her for the longrun and that I truly care about her. As well as just having a good time with her.

[GreenGo]

Ok so the last 5 or so months I've been with this girl. We never really labeled our relationship but we both knew how the other felt. In the beginning of our relationship we had some small problems with her not being over her ex, however he had a girlfriend. More recently, I'd say within the past month and a half or so she has said that she is officially over him and is more comfortable giving her all to our relationship. 2 days ago he randomly showed up to her house balling asking for her back. That same day she was telling me about their encounter and it sounded to me like she was really considering getting back with him. She said things such as, "I thought I was over him until he showed up and the chance of us being back together was waved in front of my face". At that time this made me angry and I felt used so I told her just that. I basically told her that she had been faking her feelings with me this whole time and using me. This hurt her feelings tremendously. At the time I could tell she was pissed off but the next morning I discovered that she was devastated. She didn't plan on getting back with her ex, and this made me feel like . Honestly I just kind of snapped and said a lot of things that I shouldn't have. I didn't say anything about how my feelings towards her changed but I just said a lot doubting her feelings towards me. Basically, I called her fake.

I apologized that day over the phone, brought a rose and a note over to her house while she was at school, and then showed up at her house randomly and apologized again. She wasn't having it though, she thinks that I was saying what I truly thought when I was angry and not getting my own way. She feels as though I'll always think that she is just using me. Honestly that is not the case. At the time I was being selfish and inconsiderate to what had just happened. I've told her all of this and still she gives me a head shake or nonchalant eye roll. She says that she feels as though she has lost all feelings towards me and is honestly just numb by the situation. Instead of helping her deal with her ex, I contributed to the pain.

So now she is dealing with school, her ex's return, me, her neverending stomach problems caused from stress...

Idk what to do now. I've basically just told she doesn't need anymore stress in her life so she should stop worring about us, and spend some time to herself thinking, while at the same time allowing me to be there for her. What else should I do...

[dynocompe]

First off, this girl told you from the start she wasn't over her ex, and you accepted this and continued to have a relationship with her. So if anything, to her, that would mean that she thinks you are OK with this! Why on earth get involved with someone who isn't over there previous partner. This girl obvoiusly doesn't know what she wants, and your relationship will never work until she has time to heal on her own from her previous relationship. She was using you for your company, you knew this. When your partner tells you 5 months later that she is now ready to give her all in the relationship, you must of knew she wasn't giving her all before!
I would just give her space. You guys need to start over anyway, so just leave her alone and see what she does. I would in the meantime continue your life and not be waiting for her. Don't you want a girl who puts you before there ex?

[mistyjane]

I don't know anything about this girl's stress but you?YOU obviously have to deal with stress also!
The ex just shows up and then she is considering breaking up with you!
I think it was normal to get angry after her. What were you supposed to do? Sit and say OK fine I still love you so much?
Don't blame yourself.
You seem not to be the first in her eyes... Sorry to say this but how in the world have you been selfish?
You deserve a girl who puts you first.

[talaniman]

The reason you have so much trouble with the females is you don't know when to quit, and leave them alone.

You just keep pushing, and pushing, and screwing things up.

[Cat1864]

GreenGo, You need to give her time to heal. She hasn't had that yet. Until she has spent some time ON HER OWN, she will be in danger of the next relationship being a rebound.

Your feelings are so caught up in this that she can't tell you what she was thinking without you shutting down and hearing the worse. That shows how much you don't trust that she is ready for a relationship with you. I think you were a bit more truthful in your rant than you want to think you were.

Give yourselves time and some distance.

[GreenGo]

The last fight got resolved, she doesn't really talk to her ex anymore. They have hungout but I was with them. She sees him more as a friend now and I am sure of this. That's the least of my issues now...

We've talked more about started a legitimate relationship a few days ago and she said "soon, im just scared". So then I almost thought she was ready until yesterday.

Now she's complaining about my past. In the past I hooked up with girls for the hell of it. I also had one case where I had a fling with one of her friends and said a lot of stuff describing my feelings for her. They have talked and now she can't take to heart any of the stuff I say to her because she thinks this is all the same.

Everything will be going perfect for like 2 weeks at a time and then she'll bring up something that happened months ago and start fighting with me about it. I try to be passive and just let her vent but I don't want to not defend myself and have her thinking the things she accuses me of to be true. However I don't like arguing because it never gets anywhere. I apologize, defend myself, and reassure her of our future... and she tells me I'm lying, doesn't believe me, and says she can't stop thinking about my past.

The fighting is just getting old. I mean its not all the time but it's honestly over stupid stuff and if I try to downsize it she get pissed and says I'm not considering her feelings. The last fight was over her finding a comment on a girl's (whom I had sex with one time years ago and whom has been a family friend for over 6 years) myspace. I call the girl my stalker and always tell her stories of how weird this girl was. The comment was from 6 months ago saying "lets hangout". Im thinking I posted it because she probably said something like "I havent seen you in a long time". This was before the girl got really creepy and was doing weird stuff to try to contact me such as sending her mom to my house. After she started getting weird I cut off all contact. Yet she found this comment from 6 months ago and is trying to say I lied to her and am being fake by calling this girl my stalker if I really do want to hangout with her. However, like I said the message was from before she started getting really creepy...

She's just a hypocrite, hanging out with her boyfriend and then getting mad at me when I say something to a girl I swore I didn't have feelings for, 6 months ago.

IDK if its insecurities... because she scared... combined with the fact that she's on her period. I have never really had any serious relationships in the past but I've been ready to settle down and now that I met her and try to develop a meaningful relationship rather than a hookup. I tell her all of this and she just refers to my past, saying that I've said the same things to girls in the past and then went off and hooked up with girls again when it didn't work.

This is different though and I don't know how to get that point across to her. She has made me realize how much I've messed up my past and how much I took for granted sex and true feelings. I've told her I want everything that we do to mean something and have emotion behind it rather than just be for the hell of it and solely for pleasure.

[talaniman]

Must be tough trying to make someone feel like you do. She doesn't though and no matter how hard you push, she never will. Not in your time any way.

Talaniman Rule- When you see a brick wall, don't go head first into it, and expect to get on the other side.

Your trying way to hard to get something from her, she isn't ready to give.

[Cat1864]

At the risk of hitting my head on a brick wall:

ALL that you have said about her actions point to someone who doesn't know what she wants or how she feels. Your actions (whether you realize it or not) point to someone who is trying to influence her actions and feelings. This is not a healthy relationship either as a romantic relationship or or a friendship.

She isn't ready for a serious relationship with anyone. She is still dealing with the fall-out from the last one. She needs time ON HER OWN to let the past go and to heal.

[GreenGo]

Threads merged yet again! >sigh<
I have been dating this girl for about 5.5 months now. Since we've been dating she sometimes will talk to her ex boyfriend. They are trying to remain friends even though they had a difficult breakup. She tries to ignore him most of the time but sometimes she will have lengthy conversations with him. She has no means to ever get back together with him and sees right through him, although stuff from the past still upsets her when brought up. There has been about 3 times in the past 5.5 months that he has brought up stuff from the past and it almost seems like he does it just to hurt her. For instance when we first started dating he told her, "just make sure he(me) knows that if he(me) breaks your heart like I did I will..." Bringing up the fact that he broke her heart. He also asked her to promise him that we will never do anything at the place they first had sex... which make her very upset, because it was when she lost her virginity. The thing is he will say things like "I know your going to be sad but..." before he says these things.

My question is what do I do? I mean Im always there for her no matter the situation. We've been best friends for 4 years and I've always been there for her. I would say her have a very strong relationship, but I just hate seeing her upset when he does stuff like this. I feel obligated to confront him, but I feel like she would get angry with me. He thinks I hate his guts and don't like them hanging out at all... Which is partially true, but mostly because of the fact that he talks the way he does around her and hurts her feelings. I have no problem with them being friends, but conversations like that should never take place. What should I do? Just be there for her the best that I can? Say something? Organize a meeting with the 3 of us and explain to him how I feel about it? I don't know what to do.

[ohsohappy]

It sounds to me like he wants her to remember that they were together. He might feel guilty and wants to talk about it too, but he is not doing the right thing by hurting her. If I were you, I'd have a talk with her and say something like "look, I know you're still trying to be friends, I understand that, but if he's so worried abotu the fact that he hurt you and feels bad about it, then he shouldn't be bringing it all up again when he knows it will hurt you more. I think that you should tell him to talk to someone else about his feelings instead of dumping them on you and making things harder for us. If you don't talk to him, I feel like I'm going to have to ask him to stop bringing those things up. I see what it does to you and it's not fair to either of us. I hate seeing you relive any sort of pain."

Obviously you're going to want to put some of it in your own words, but try to just be direct, not harsh. Say it in a calm tone and show that you're concerned. It's very important that if she's feelign upset, you don't accidentally send the message that you're mad at her for all of this, because she could feel like it's all her fault. You want her to know that you're being supportive of her and that you're upset with HIS actions. If there is something you need tobring up with her, make sure you do it when neither of you are upset or angry.

Good luck, I hope this guy leaves her alone honestly. If he hurt her so bad then she really needs to be away from him so that she can heal, and it sounds like he's not allowing you to do that and you're left sitting there to pick up the pieces.

[GreenGo]

Thank you.

At the beginning of our "relationship" (whgen we weren't technically official) she would have withdrawals and still had little feelings for him. However she knew it would never work and she couldn't trust him anymore. So she would get depressed for a while and then I'd have to sit and cheer her up. The last about 3 months ago she told me that she was completely over him and she was ready to move on with me. This was before we were technically "official" but we had been seeing each other for about 2 months by then. About a week after that he broke up with his new girlfriend and dumped a load of feelings on her. She immediately was reminded of her past and told me she thought she was over him but his return sparked her feelings again... Just recently, 3 months later, she told me she was 100% ready to give me all of her focus, we went official. He recently told her all the stuff I mentioned previously. Like I said we have a very strong relationship. I know she doesn't want to get back with her ex but he was her first love and the guy she lost her virginity to so obviously when he mentions the past it upsets her.

She wants to be his friend, and he wants to be her friend. I just want her to not have to deal with her feelings getting hurt by him. I don't care whether they are friends or not.

Just for reference, I'm very confident with our relationship.

[amicon]

I think this needs merging with your previous thread,as it concerns the same problem.

Why even attempt a friendship with someone who acts in a hurtful manner?

To me that seems really odd.

I know you want this to work,
But I can't help wondering if she has really closed the door on her previous relationship.

[talaniman]

Its none of your business how she handles an ex, because for one, she will never heal trying to be friends, and accepting bad behavior from him. My question is, why do you keep starting threads about this girl, but never take the advice given? What is it you're looking for? You are nothing but a cushion for a female that has yet to face her misery with honest solutions that allow her to heal, and really your own actions have made it comfortable not to.

But of course you can't see that through your own single minded, selfish, scared, stubborn self, but you will, and its going to hurt like hell, but you'll see.