[1brightmorning]

I feel for you. I can understand where everyone else that has provided their advice is coming from. There are billions of people in this world.
However, maybe you are right. Maybe she was the one. I've been mourning over my ex for the past year now. He was my best friend. We did everything together, we had everything imaginable in common, there was nothing I was afraid to ask him, and when he broke up with me, it was like someone had died. Probably worse--I'm fairly convinced that my heart has fallen off the face of the earth.

To everyone urging this man to go wild on a hunt for another female:
Sure, there are tons of people you can date and hang out with. But remember, every person is completely unique. They think differently, love differently, look different, talk different, and so on. You will never be able to find someone exactly like them. You can also spend countless hours with your friends and family, trying to lose yourself and forget your loss if only for a few hours. You can travel to new places, eat new food, cut your hair, and study new things, in hopes of moving on. And you can do all that, and still think about this someone every day of your life. Why is it such a taboo to still be hung up on your ex? Why must everyone's advice be to "move on" and simply stop thinking about them? You can claim to have been through the same sort of scenario, to have your heartbroken. Maybe you have conquered your loss and moved on to a happier existence, but that does not mean that someone else may be able to. I do believe in a love so strong that it can't be explained, and I do believe that after finding this sort of love with someone, it can be almost impossible to go back your ignorant and happy self.
When he describes her as being perfect for him, he doesn't mean she's perfect (as he has pointed out.) Everyone has their flaws--I think a big part of love is a matter of finding someone whose flaws you can deal with and overlook, and finding someone that can overlook your flaws as well.

Regretfullness:
My only advice to you really, is to keep on living, even if it is only to find out what the universe has in store for you. Take all the time in the world you need to mourn. Because no one else but yourself can really come to terms with how you feel.
Love is much more brutal than hatred my friend.

[Cristoforo]

regretfullness, I know EXACTLY what you are going through. It's crazy, I really, truly, didn't think that anyone was experiencing what I am, but I see that you are. I managed to lose 'the one' twice! We broke up once, got back together, then I blew it again and caused her a lot of pain which I never truly intended, much like in your case. I am now struggling with this loss and feeling like no one will ever match up to her and I will never find someone as good as her. All I can do is focus on all the good moments together. Let me tell you something, she did the same thing with me as your ex did to you, she is content with cutting me out of her life, no contact from her whatsoever. I have to deal with that, and that's all you can do.

You can't do anything to change her mind at this point. All you can do is try to heal and move on, that's what I am doing. And let me tell you, I know you can't see it now, but each day that passes it gets somewhat better and you start to see that you can be happy without this person.

Hang in there man, I truly feel for you because I'm in the same situation. If you ever need someone to talk to, don't hesitate to message me. I'm here for you man.

[jmjoseph]

You "can't go back to her, and you can't go forward."

What exactly does this mean? Are you considering suicide? Becoming a hermit? Of course not!

You cannot go back in time, and change what you did. You made choices that you now regret. Hindsight has 20-20 vision. You were selfish, and you now see that, and regret it to the core.

This is what you NEED to do in order to learn from this situation that you are in.

Years ago, I had a wonderful, beautiful, intelligent, girlfriend that I thought was perfect in every way. But still I cheated on her. I regreted it, and was in mourning for my the loss, and full of misery for my mistakes. I thought, just like you, that I would NEVER,ever, find someone so wonderful as her to fill that void. But, I learned from my indiscretions, and became a better person for it. And I eventually met the woman that I am now married to, the mother of my two sons.

She is an angel on this Earth. She is not perfect, of course, but she is perfect for me, and I love her with all my soul.

Had I carried on the way that I was, I never would have been blessed by having her come into my life.

So no, this is not the end, and you are not done. You are just at a point in your life that you should consider as a "life college", a crossroad with unlimited potential. The beginning on the rest of your life.

I'm not going to sugar coat what you did, because you are the one that hurt her, and this is the bed that you must sleep in.

But never be fooled into thinking that this is the end for you.

You are still young. Take what time you need to reflect, and to think about what you need to do to proceed, but then you snap the hell out of it, and carry on like a man with your head held high.

Life is full of possibilities, and you can do whatever it is that you want to do. Either be miserable forever, or move on, and be happy.

I hope you can use any of this, because life is too short to live it in regret for the bad decisions that you made.

Good luck.

[regretfullness]

I'm in a desert without her. You guys, I have such an urge to reach out to her….but she'll more than likely ignore my attempts or simply become angry for contacting her.

I tried re-establishing contact once already, about 2-3 weeks ago and she ignored me at first…but after enough attempts; after enough prodding she finally reacted. But only briefly and only with anger. It was upsetting.

Should I try again anyway? This month (January 23rd) would have marked our one-year anniversary...

I know you'll probably advise me not to…. But my urge to try and talk to her again is overwhelming.

I sit and ruminate of her for days and hours and sometimes it gets really, really bad. Life is so bleak without her; I appreciate her so much I just want to drop everything & run right to her.

[Fr_Chuck]

No, you don't contact her at all, at some point you may end up with a restraining order against you, if she gets tired of your constant contact.

There is a fine line between caring and obsessed.

So do something besides sitting and thinking about her, do some work out, do something for old people at a nursing home, start living a life.

In the end, you move on, unless you refuse to try. Do you want to be 70 moving into a nursing home a old bitter man still talking about her being he one and had it not been for that order of protection, you know you could have gotten her back.

So you did not even have a year together, in the aspect of life, it is not even a long relationship.
I have buried two wife's, and married to each longer than that. Each were good in their own ways, but at the end of they day, they were just humans, with good and bad.

No one person is that perfect to control our lifes. You are letting a make believe or pretend relationship idea control who you are and what you are doing

[amicon]

The way to get over this is to stick with the NC. And accept that what's over is over. Acceptance is the first step towards real healing.

[CanIBuyAClue]

You are right, we are all going to tell you to do NC. You have your answer on whether contacting her is a good idea... she refused to talk to you, and now you're just becoming annoying to her. Any further contact will just hurt her and yourself. You have got to do NC and STICK TO IT!

[sully123]

She is moving on and that's what you need to do. IT does become an obesession when it consumes you 24/7. We all have been down this road before. Contacting her will only bring you more hurt and pain, and prolong the healing process. She is angry now, and if you keep on bothering her she will take the necessary action to stop this. You will never be able to even be a friend with her if you continue to try to maintain contact. I am not saying that maybe down the roads you could be friends, but for now its no. I know in my past relationships after breaking up, they always seem to circle back to talk to you in some way. It's not always the case all the time, but in a big majority of them they do. You have to find a life besides her. We all have made mistakes and were only human.

[tragedy]

No, no, no.. It's an absolute 'No-No'. Do not contact her. You will be heading back to square one if you break the NC. I was in your position months back. I tried many ways to win my ex back despite what she puts me through and without any doubts my mission failed terribly. I lost my dignity and self respect. And yet, I didn't care what others think or say. All I wanted is to have her back in my arms again. I must admit I was so blinded at that time till I talked myself in and out that no one else could ever come close to the way she is, she's simply irreplaceable and she means the world to me and the list goes on... I can't move on or I must say that I refused to move on. I thought I could forget about her if I keep myself busy. But I was wrong. I didn't see any progress simply because I refused to move on. I was so reluctant to take the baby steps to heal till I found out that she was sharing the messages/emails I sent her with her friends. That was a huge wake up call. Huge! I totally forgot the simple rule of thumb, that is, we are born to be imperfect and we are living in an imperfect world. How can she be flawless? You may not see it now, but one day you will start to open your eyes and see her imperfections if you stick to NC.

No doubt I still think of my ex and I miss her but I keep telling myself that I must stay in control. Thanks to the guys here for reminding me every now and then. I will not be able to make it through if I keep running away from the fact that she's already gone. The only way to fight this is to face the truth. Truth hurts, we all know that. You have to fight your fear; fear that you will not find someone as good as your ex. You WILL eventually if you let the healing process to take place. How can you find Ms. Right if you keep living in the past? Remember, love happens when you least expect it. It's time to be a real man, face it and take the pain. You will eventually get there. Trust the guys here when they tell you that you're going to be OK. Time does wonder... so as patience. Good luck!

[88sunflower]

I have come to realize he doesn't so much mean she is perfect, but his meaning is she is perfect for him. That's great and wonderful and all of the above. But if the feelings aren't mutual between two people its going to be a never ending battle that you will always lose.

[regretfullness]

Several times within this thread, I've stated in my own words, the following: "she’s gone and never coming back." & that "...it is over...and I have no delusions of her ever coming back."

Well, I keep thinking of what she represents to me. How much reverence I have for her. And how she is everything I need/want and is irreplaceable. And I don’t want to let her go. Because, what if, there’s still a chance of getting back together? What_if? What if by doing nothing, by never contacting her again, what if I’m simply letting the final opportunity pass? If she truly means as much to me as I say she does (she does), then shouldn't I continue to at least try? To continue trying to hold onto the rarest thing and instead of allowing it to slip away forever?

I feel compelled to try, for if I do nothing I'll just fade out of her mind & life forever….and then there is no chance.

The 23rd of this month would (emphasis on would) have marked our 1-year anniversary. I feel that if any further attempts are to be made it should probably be this month…

Advice, please.

[Fr_Chuck]

Then of course if you make a fool of yourself, bother her to a point perhaps she gets a restraining order,

You are basically going no where with maybes and what ifs, you know she is gone, so let it go with dignity.

The what ifs, can go on forever, what after she is married, she divorces in two years, so I will wait.

So you are lying to someone, since this is a delusion of her coming back, or you would be willing to move on

[willshire]

ACCEPTANCE

You've done what you could; the ball is now (has been) in her court. For some, it's helpful to remind that you may need have a little faith; if it was meant to be, it may eventually come back. For others, in order to move on you may need to accept some sort of posit. However you want to justify it you need to figure that out quickly and accept it. Come to peace with it and if you can help it, don't resent the other individual. You two shared many special moments, so be thankful for that and move on. Sometimes the timing is just wrong, but it is futile to try to convince someone to be in a relationship that they don't want. If you truly care about and love her, let her go. At this point, she is happier without you, so what can you say?

I'd give her my best wishes of success and happiness and then move on. This is a New Year, so forget the past. 2010 will be great!

[Cristoforo]

regretfullness, like I mentioned before, I feel the same way you do. I didn't think there was anyone else out there that did, but I was wrong. I feel like I lost the "one" just like you did.

Our situations are very similar. She has cut me out of her life for now, and the end of the relationship was caused by my actions for the most part. Now I fear that she will never be replaced, that she was my soul mate and that it is impossible to be on that level with anyone else. I fear that there is no one better.

There is nothing that we can do, man. We have to accept that. We can't make someone love us and want to be with us. That is their decision. Our exes have to decide if they want to be with us. We both know we want to be with them, but they don't feel the same. That is the reality and we have no control over it whatsoever.

It's extremely hard, I know just like you do. But you have to endure this pain because it's the only thing you can actually do. If it is meant to be, she will come back, if she doesn't, I guess you have to accept it wasn't meant to be.

I know you feel like she is the one and you will never find anyone better, I am in the same boat. But I have a feeling that the longer I endure this pain, the more time that passes, maybe my thought process will change. Maybe when I least expect it, I will see how possible it is to find those feelings again with someone else. I don't see it right now and I don't believe it will happen, but enough time hasn't passed.

You just got to be strong. But don't be afraid to cry or let your emotions out. I broke down crying last night. You have to get these things out of your system and then heal. I know you don't see it now, but it does get better.

If you ever need someone to talk to, you can always send me a message. I know exactly what you're going through. Keep your head up.

[UnluckyDucky]

Quite often in a breakup we tend to idolize our partner - proclaiming that he or she was "the one" or how they were "so perfect for me".

Have you stopped for a moment to step back and think about how you fit in their life at all? You admittedly claim you are the villain, to which I give you credit for. However, just because you feel that she was the best for you, it does not mean you were the best for her. If she is so great in your eyes, does she not deserve the best?

Time to move on my friend and leave things be already. She has made her feelings for you quite clear by her actions and you have to respect this even though you may not like it.

[thats life]

Wow your situation sounds familiar.. I went through this myself a few months back my g/f of 3 years although we were on an off for a good portion of 2009 ultimatley left me for some 1 else.. lol believe me when I say I know exactly what your going through man.. I spent weeks getting no more than 4 hours of sleep per day,walking through grocery stores crying at the very thought of my situation.. but then it dawned on me after some time had passed that she was faarrrr from perfect!when a relationship ends abruptly, especially when were not the ones who pulled the plug sort of speak. We tend to over analyze the good and ignore the grief.. when you only think about how she impacted your life in a positive light your putting her on a pedistal much higher than she deserves to be.. was every argument really your fault? Was she always right?where you the only one who escalated petty issues into all out screaming matches? ABSOLUTLEY NOT! She did her fair share as well for the relationships demise and you have to remember this! I went through the same stages as you man.. from being angry that it was over to feeling un-beleivably sad,depressed,and just over all feeling like my entire life walked out the door the day she left! But let me share something with you.. you will get over her because you have no choice and the main reason you want her back right now is because she's un-attainable its human nature for us to want the very things that we can't have it took me a while to realize this and soon you will as well.. get that notion that she's perfect out of your head because she wasn't.. stop thinking about the things you could have done diffrently because in all likley hood they probably woudnt be.. you learn a lot more from losing than you do from winning and that's in all aspect of life.. take a mental note of everything she hated about you (im sure you know) and do your best not to make the same mistakes twice!

[thats life]

And also if you intend to salvage any kind of relationship you have to cease all contact.I know how hard that is when your every instinct tells you to beg and plead for her to take you back.. but you have to realize at this point she wants nothing to do with you and the more you push the more she will pull away.. the more you try to make things work the more determined she will be to shut you out of her life forever,give her time to reflect and space to grow. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and if she cared for you that much she'll want to know what your up 2 eventually.. basically every instinct to save your relationship now will further destroy your chances later on in life.. keep your pride and remember what made her fall in love with you in the 1st place.I can assure you its not the 1 begging at her feet like a german shepard after thanksgiving dinner.. take this time to evaluate your life without her and make the adjustments necessary to improve your future.. I am now in paramedic school and I can't say I would have ever done this had she not walked out of my life.. use this time to your advantage and who knows maybe she'll come back to a better version of you in time!

[Chadwick_Q]

Here we are, two years later.

Many of the advice-givers on here mean well, but few of them are honest about the way the human psyche actually functions. Regretfullness, I was in your same situation almost exactly, chronologically and everything. And here I am now, picking through these messageboards trying to find any successful strategies for healing a broken heart. It's been well over two years and I feel just as I did back then.

The truth is, the only helpful remedy for a broken heart is the mind, and its wonderful, essential, crucial ability to forget--eventually, all memories weaken and slide away, and the few that remain are so fictionalized after the fact as to be falsehoods anyway. If anything can help you stop rhapsodizing the past, it's that. Amnesia is the only thing, and the best thing, the broken-hearted can hope for.

What doesn't work on a broken heart are nonsense bumper stickers like "Move on" and "Let go." These are steadfastly meaningless phrases, as helpful as telling a blubbering, terrified person not to worry. They mean nothing and have no real-life application. What they're trying to say is "Fake it to make it," to attempt to self-impose a new identity upon yourself that, if you carry it out long enough, becomes who you are. But this is disingenuous playacting and sincere feelings will still fester no matter how much you outwardly deny them.

Equally unhelpful is the advice to apply the lessons you've learned from mistakes you've made to your new life. The lessons you've learned from mistakes you've made only apply to the originally-made mistakes! They become utterly useless information for any future situations.

I've dated many other women and felt nothing towards them, any of them, and not for a lack of trying. If anything, I did try, but none of the efforts were sincere, and so they failed. I've even carried on relationships with some, until they grew tired of my inability to love them and were off in the hopes of finding someone who could. None of the other women were as good as the best woman. Sure, they were vibrant and intelligent and beautiful in their own right, but once you've had the best, that ineffable quality that made the best the best can never be met again. Attempting to find anyone good enough again is the nakedest of delusions. To the doubters, I didn't believe in the idea of "The One" either, until I met her.

So what is there to do now? Whatever you want. Date, have sex, be single, be productive. Being happy isn't an (actual) option anymore, but on the other hand, it's only one option. Realizing that you will never love again the way you once did is not a trap but a liberation. When you know you won't be able to love anyone again (when every feeling eventually wanes), you're free to do anything you want to or with anyone you want, and this is the only concession for those who have found and lost perfect love. You're absolutely correct in knowing you will never find anyone better. But this is a freeing, not a constraint. Knowing that, you can do anything. Anyone is good enough, and now you have a world of new experience to undergo. What is life but a collection of experiences signifying nothing? So signify nothing and enjoy it.

Because sincere emotion will always remain. No matter who you meet, no matter how much time passes, your sincere feelings for your favorite love will endure, and will not be able to be changed through willpower or external advice. The heart isn't that malleable and scars never fully heal.

The beauty here is that most everyone is in the same boat: they all have had and lost perfect loves, and so are searching again for that one who made them feel so ferociously. The best you can hope is to be a surrogate, someone's #2 (if not #3 or #50), and then let that be enough. At this point you can settle, [have sex with] the world, or be a monk. Those are the solutions available. They aren't preferable at first, but you can learn to make them workable. It's the only possible thing you can do. Embrace the inevitability and find comfort in it. Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, etc.