Check out some similar questions!

seo · Aug 5, 2006, 08:10 PM

That’s what I’m doing. I’m dating. And not contacting her at all. She contacted me. And I just curious to know how you guys think I should handle it, when she does and says stuff like “she misses me”.

valinors_sorrow · Aug 5, 2006, 08:11 PM

I know that others have but just to be clear, I have never advocated giving her space in this thread. I said I think its over and she is being wishy washy about it, which I think stinks. And you have been going along with whatever she does. Not good.

What do you want Seo? Whatever you do needs to be in alignment with what you want... do you want her back? Take your chances and tell her you want her back. If you don't intend on getting back with her then keep your distance. I am not big on the idea that you deliberately act aloof just to make her want you in six months-- its too unlikely for starters and it rings as something not exactly honest for me.

Its already pretty goofy in that she asked for space and then emailed you frankly, YIKES! So what is this part-- an attempt at backing up to some place like where you were in the beginning and flirting with each other? I don't think that works either. Actions need to match words here, its called integrity and it would be good if it was both of you, but especially you being who you are and doing the honest thing. If you end up feeling toyed with, you will only have the man in the mirror on this one, I think.

talaniman · Aug 5, 2006, 08:20 PM

Originally Posted by seo

That’s what I’m doing. I’m dating. And not contacting her at all. She contacted me. And I just curious to know how you guys think I should handle it, when she does and says stuff like “she misses me”.

You are just too available, Don't answer.

seo · Aug 5, 2006, 08:25 PM

Ok, I agree with what you said. Trust me, I’m dating and trying to meet other people. Who knows how I’ll feel in a few months. You’re right. I know that. I’m preparing for the worst. I just sent her a quick text message saying “I miss you also. I’m just giving you space”. I’m also taking it one step at a time and not contacting her at all, like you guys said. It’s been a week so far.

valinors_sorrow · Aug 5, 2006, 08:31 PM

I don't understand why you aren't a little angered about what she did to you... and then turning some of that into fast tracks out of there. I know for me and many people I know, the messier it all gets, the less interested and willing we'd be.

confused25 · Aug 5, 2006, 08:32 PM

I think you handled the converstation well. You were polite, friendly, and you didn't bring up the relationship.

Should you have said "I miss you too"? No, I don't think so, because if you did she would know that she still has you. I bet that after she signed off she was thinking for quite a while why you didn't respond. Also, do not send her a text saying you miss her, just leave it be.

As to how you handle situations like this in the future, well I maybe wrong here but I think it would serve you well to not get into them in the first place. Do you have to sign into your Instant Messenger? If not then I would suggest you don't. Also I believe you can block her from seeing you online as well, that's another option. On top of not having to deal with these awkward situations, once she notices that you are never online she'll begin to wonder what your up to... which is a good thing.

Try to keep as little contact as possible, that way you don't have to worry about thinking of something clever on the spot, and that way you don't stress about what you said. Oh and remember to relax, all this worrying is going to make you miserable.

Val-- I like your attitude. You are honest, blunt, straightforward, and to the point. I wish all women were like you because it would make relationships a lot easier, but the fact is that most women aren't like that.

I think that him going back and telling her that he wants her back is a bad idea. It will seem like he is begging and completely turn her away. I think giving her the space she asked for and no contact is the best thing. This is my opinion though.

seo · Aug 5, 2006, 08:43 PM

I didn't tell her that I wanted her back. I didn't bring up the relationship at all. She said I miss you to me, I didn't answer but sent a text message after saying “I miss you also. I'm just giving you space”. I'm not contacting her; she contacted me. And I will continue to not contact her at all. I agree with you Val. I'm letting her know where I stand, still care about her, but at the same time, I'm moving on with my life. If at some point she realizes her mistake. Great. But I'm not going out of my way to chase her. I really feel that it's important that she knows where I stand, yet at the same time – not act too needy. I think telling her that “I miss here also” after she says it and by giving her space and not contacting her says just that.

valinors_sorrow · Aug 5, 2006, 08:46 PM

I understand all that, you did good and I didn't mean to frustrate you Seo, honestly. But I still think its important that you know what you want and it would be better for you if it didn't depend on her either. That's all I meant, okay?

confused25 · Aug 5, 2006, 08:56 PM

Val-- LOL that was a compliment. Anyway, I think it's possible that he can get her back. I mean look at that conversation: she is the one who asked if he went on a date, she is also the one who said "I miss you." Does this mean she is going to come running back, of course not. But I think it indicates that she is curious as to what he has been up to. Maybe she is beginning to worry that she might lose him. Maybe, just maybe, she said "I miss you" because she wanted to make sure she still had him. I honestly don't know, these are all just guesses, I still have a lot to learn when it comes to women and relationships.

Seo-- On top of keeping not contact you have to make sure you are not so available. Yes she contacted you, but you made it to easy. Don't be online so much that way she is forced to e-mail you or call you and leave you a message. Again, this is just my advice.

valinors_sorrow · Aug 5, 2006, 09:19 PM

I may travel in some different circles, I'll admit to that LOL but I do get around, I think? This breaking up to determine how much you are wanted stuff or the break up to try others for a while and get back together later stuff is not a good sign to me unless you are Paris Hilton or similar. Its observed as part of a kind of broadbased ongoing relationship struggle I see people of all ages and kinds caught up in and it generates an enormous amount of unhappiness too. And the baseline to the struggle seems to be that people aren't whole enough, fully functioning enough to meet the challenges of a relationship. I am reluctant to see anyone going down either of those break-up-make-up paths. Its somehow acts as a band-aid on a gash that is often far too big for a band-aid-- but only time tells that sad tale. I would like to have it down for the record that not everyone plays these kind of games (male and female) and to focus on the ones who do means there is a good chance of overlooking the ones who don't. And now that I have had my rant, I apologise to Seo for highjacking your thread (sorry dude) and hand back the soapbox now with promises to behave myself in the future.:o

And thanks for the compliment Fused, I mean it.

talaniman · Aug 6, 2006, 05:24 AM

Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow

I may travel in some different circles, I'll admit to that LOL but I do get around, I think? This breaking up to determine how much you are wanted stuff or the break up to try others for a while and get back together later stuff is not a good sign to me unless you are Paris Hilton or similar. Its observed as part of a kind of broadbased ongoing relationship struggle I see people of all ages and kinds caught up in and it generates an enormous amount of unhappiness too. And the baseline to the struggle seems to be that people aren't whole enough, fully functioning enough to meet the challenges of a relationship. I am reluctant to see anyone going down either of those break-up-make-up paths. Its somehow acts as a band-aid on a gash that is often far too big for a band-aid-- but only time tells that sad tale. I would like to have it down for the record that not everyone plays these kind of games (male and female) and to focus on the ones who do means there is a good chance of overlooking the ones who don't. And now that I have had my rant, I apologise to Seo for highjacking your thread (sorry dude) and hand back the soapbox now with promises to behave myself in the future.:o

And thanks for the compliment Fused, I mean it.

Hi Val looks like I have to fully agree with you again in that for a relationship to even have a chance both people have to reach a level of maturity, and FUNCTIONALITY, to deal with the challenges of a relationship. Most times you tell people to move on so they have time to think and learn from their past, and I have seen those who rekindle their romances with their ex, but these don't last any longer than before. So your "rant" was so to the point that I had to chip in and say well said... again.:)

Wildcat21 · Aug 6, 2006, 10:02 AM

He should have had that conversation with - once again too available. Big mistake.

Again - leave her alone for like 3 full months.

But I doubt you can do it. Your like litle puupy dog that comes runnig when she calls.

chuff · Aug 6, 2006, 01:50 PM

Seo,

Let me be frank with you and tell you something. I'm reading your original post and some of the other posted and all I can say to you is that you have a lot to offer a woman. If this one doesn't want you screw her. She doesn't deserve you. I can obviously tell you're a caring and sensitive man who would be loyal to the right woman. If she can't see that then she doesn't deserve you and you deserve better. Don't forget that. It is her that after 5 years in a bad relationship should be thrilled to have found you. Not the other way around. I'm going through something similar and I know it's tough but I'm tired of nice, caring guys like you getting used and not being appreciated. If she doesn't appreciate you then YOU deserve better.

seo · Aug 6, 2006, 02:19 PM

Hi Chuff, thanks for the advice. I appreciate it. Thanks to everyone for their advice and for listening. I still want her back. I'm not going to lie. And you guys need to believe me when I say that I'm not acting like this around her. I know that I'm having an emotional breakdown on this form. But I'm not around her. I'm playing it cool, not mentioning the relationship and going out, dating others. I'm not and have not had ANY contact with her at all. Zero. None. She contacted me and I was just looking for advice about how I should act. Remember guys.. she asked me if I was dating and said that she misses me.

She has some serious commitment issues. And I want her to know that I'm here for her. But at the same time, that I'm moving forward and that there is a good chance that she may lose me. I think that my conversation over e-mail really accomplished that. I didn't say that I miss her back – but send a text message one hour later saying that “I miss you also. I'm just giving you space”.

s_cianci · Aug 6, 2006, 07:13 PM

Originally Posted by seo

She is 28 and does not really know what she wants out of everything I think. I was told to not critazize her. I’ve done that many times – about not knowing what she wants in life. I do care about her though and will give her space. I just wanted to make sure that I handled it right. Do you think i should have said i miss her also?

Absolutely not. That's one of the worst things you could have said. You may have been told "not to criticize her" but I still think she needs some gentle nudging along. There's more at stake here than her inability to make relationship commitments. After all, she is 28 years old so it's time she started to make some decisions about what she wants out of life. She doesn't necessarily have to have everything cast in stone already but she does need to begin focusing in some sort of direction. She has a place to fill in society just like the ret of us and she'll never be able to do it by being an indecisive drone.

Skell · Aug 6, 2006, 07:42 PM

Why do you want to be there for her? So she can use you to make her feel better until she is ready to commit to someone else. Then all of a sudden you are left alone.

You can't be there for her. You need to be there for YOU.

BIG MISTAKE telling her you miss her. I think you miss the point. Hwo are you moving on and how can she lose you if you miss her? Understand that that doesn't make sense!

I miss you but you are going to lose me. I underatand that you do miss her but you don't need to tell her that? What does it achieve? Nothing at all other to confirm to her that she has you exactly where she wants you. And that's as the guy she can turn to when things don't work out for her elsewhere.

Do you really want to be manipulated and walked all over like that?

gdby2u · Aug 6, 2006, 11:42 PM

Seo,

I'm sorry you're going through all of this. Please know that everything gets easier as time goes on. You handled the instant message well and it seems as though she wanted you to know she's going out every night. You didn't respond to that, which is good. Don't let her treat you're just another good friend who she can turn to. The reality is, she's keeping you on a string, knowing she can turn to you because you are safe. I've been in the same situation and it went on for years. My ex recently married someone he met only a year ago... after stringing me along for almost a decade. Please, don't make the same mistakes I made. When they want out, they want out. I tried all the games, the no contact, etc and it worked. He did come back, but only to leave again later on down the road. It's the hardest lesson to learn (because we think we know them so well). But, there is no way someone who truly loves you would make you feel so badly. Do your best to move on to find someone who will cherish you. I know its hard, but the best way to move on is to accept the reality of the situation. The sooner you do, the easier it will be for you to realize you deserve the best and she is not it.

luvee · Aug 6, 2006, 11:47 PM

Don't make it so hard...ask yourself (dont listen to any advice) coz i know you only need to release what you're feeling but definetly you know what you want...ask yourself and ponder...if you think, you believe this girl loves you and that all she needs is TIME and you can still go on with the situation you are into, then stick with her...But, if you think, its quite unfair on your part and cannot stand by that kind of relationship, then move on. You must remember that before you can give love to others you must first learn and know how to love yourself, by doing so...you know when its time to pursue or time to stop.