[seo]

Hi everyone:

I’m hoping that you guys/girls can give me some advice.

I met a girl and we dated for sometime, eventually becoming boyfriend/girlfriend. A few weeks ago, she went on vacation to her cottage and spent a lot of time alone, allowing her to reflect and think about what she wants.

Long story short: she was in a relationship for five years prior to us getting together (4 months earlier). She says that she needs sometime to be single and wishes that she had of met me six months from now.

I asked her if she wants me to wait, and she said that she can’t ask that of me – but hopes that we can try this again in the future. I must have asked 100 times if this was the only reason and she said yes. She still has feelings. But needs to be single because she has always belonged to someone and did make a point of saying that she is doing this so that when she is ready, it will make out relationship stronger.

This was all said on the phone, so I asked her to meet. She did. We went to the park and talked for a bit. I even wrote her a letter saying that I care for her greatly and will wait for her to give me her heart. I said that I would give her the space she needs and call her in six months, asking for her back. I asked that she read the letter in front of me. She did and I could tell that she was sad. After reading it, she could not look at me for a few minutes. I could tell she was about to cry. But after, she kept staring at me with caring eyes (you know the look when you really like someone).

I then asked to hold and kiss her one more time. We did and it was great. I also asked her to make me one promise: that when she is ready for a relationship, she will give us another try. She said that she promised and would. We ended it by saying that I’ll miss her and am here if she needs anything. And to read the letter I gave her once a week, if she has any doubts about how I feel.

Now I’m trying hard not to contact her. But I’m so sad inside. I miss her so much. I mean, can someone really care for someone and still need to be single? Do you guys think that there is a chance of us getting back together? Should I send her an e-mail once and a while to tell her that I thinking of her? Or should I just stop 100% contact. I’m worried that if I do this she will not think that I’m sticking around and have moved on. What would you girls like for a guy to do?

Do you guys think that I handled it right by writing the letter or was it too much?

Thanks guys.

[phillysteakandcheese]

It sounds to me like you did good! :)
You were honest and heartfelt, and I think the letter will serve as a great physical reminder to her of your feelings while you are apart.

Send her an e-mail once every 6-8 weeks just to say hello and chat a bit, and let her know you are still thinking about her, but otherwise keep out of her life. Let her sort out herself and do what she needs to do. If she's ready sooner than later, you'll know...

Also though - While it is commendable that you are willing to wait, you need to keep yourself open to the fact that she may not be "the one" after all... It would be extremely unhealthy for you to simply sit and pine away for this girl everyday for six months - drumming up all sorts of unrealistic expectations and emotions. She might need more than six months, or she might do any number of other things that would exclude you from her life.

In the meantime, keep busy with your own life... Enjoy friends, family, work on yourself, follow your interests... and watch what happens!

I hope that in 6-12 months you are happy with this girl! ;)

[cocoa]

Hi seo,

My heart goes out to you for what you must be feeling right now. I'm in a similar situation myself. Although mine is not a romantic relationship, it is someone whom I consider a very close friend, and she has pretty much asked me to give her some space. All of this just happened yesterday, so I know how insanely difficult it is trying not to contact someone who has asked for space.

My “gut reactions” to your situation? First of all, you sound like a very sensitive, loving and decent person, and you obviously have her best interests at heart.

You mentioned that she was in a relationship for five years, and you got together four months after that ended. (Is that correct?) Assuming it is, after five years, she probably had a lot invested in that relationship (emotionally), and perhaps is just realizing herself that she needs time to really get over that in order to move on. It doesn’t seem like four months would be a terribly long time to allow her emotions to settle before involving herself emotionally with another person.

From what you have said, it sounds to me there’s every chance in the world that you could get back together. She is probably having a hard time emotionally, and just needs some space. She could be feeling a little overwhelmed right now and some “down time” will allow her to get things straight in her own mind.

Personally, I think the fact that you wrote her a letter is very sweet. You let her know that you’re still there for her, and that’s a good thing. She probably needed to hear that.

As far as contacting her, that’s a hard one for me to answer because I’m struggling with that right now too. I would maybe wait a couple of months (I know -- it’s difficult!) and then mail her a little card -- just something simple like “Thinking of You” or whatever. Then in six months, do what you told her you would do: call her and ask if she’s ready to get back together.

I really get the feeling that she just needs some space. I hope this helped a little.

Take care ;)

[seo]

Thanks phillysteakandcheese. I really appreciate your feedback and feel for you also cocoa. I can’t stop thinking about her and my mind is playing tricks on me. The other day, she sent me and a few other people she knows an e-mail with photos of her vacation.

In one of the photos was a guy with her. I know she has lots of guy friends so it’s not an issue. But still, not something I really wanted to see at this time, so I asked her to take me off her mailing list (I didn’t say why – I just said it’s difficult right now to see photos of you and stuff).

Man, I’ve lost like 10 pounds; I’m not eating and have no motivation to do anything. I’m hoping that as time goes by, this will fade. I know that I should not wait for her, the entire 6 months. But I’m really feeling sad right now.

I’m at the point in my life where I want a relationship and have so much to offer. I really can’t bare the thought of being single for the rest of my life. I’m 30 now and want a commitment. Why does this have to happen to me? I have so much to offer. I really hope that you guys are right and that we get back together.

I’ll take your advice and send an e-mail in one month, saying that I’m thinking about her – nothing more.

Thanks guys.

[confused25]

I think you handled this situation very well. My advice is to wait 2-3 months to contact her, and when you do contact her I suggest that you just send a simple e-mail that says something like "Hello, how you doing?" Do not at any point bring up the relationship.

I know you're going to want to contact her sooner then 2-3 months, but that's not a good idea because any sooner then that means (1) You are not giving her the space you promised you'd give her and (2) You might end up looking like you're too needy and/or clingy.

In the meantime just stay busy and do things you enjoy. But please, and I mean PLEASE, be prepared for the worst. It's great that you have found someone you are willing to wait for, but a lot can happen during 6 months (heck even 3 months). During that time she might realize she doesn't feel the same for you. What's just as plausible is that she might find someone else. I hope that within 6-12 months you two are in a great relationship together, but face it, life is not a fairy tale and more often then not things don't work out the way we want them to.

I'm not trying to predict the future here, anything can happen between you two and it could be wonderful or disastorous. Just prepare for the worst, and don't let your world revolve around this one person, and don't let your happiness depend on this one person! Go out and meet other people! Have fun and enjoy life! If things work out... great! But if they don't at least you'll be strong enough to make a quick recovery.

Oh and maybe, if you listen to everyone when they say go out and meet new people, then if things don't work out with this girl, by then it might not matter because just maybe you will have found someone else.

I wish you the best!

[valinors_sorrow]

I think the letter was just fine and quite necessary to put your feelings out there to her. It was something that, if you had not done it, you would likely be haunted by the not doing. But its not about "can you behave well enough to keep her" -- you have to be who you are and she has to be who she is. And if that isn't compatible, then it is time to go separate ways.

I think the space she is asking for really needs to be space though and I am leary of the promise to "come back and try" that I see as made under pressure. That may need to be renegotiated. Worse than that, I am not one for ending it on "limbo" like you two have as that simply makes it unfair to the one left waiting. If this wasn't outright ended, then separation should have been/needs to be clear-- what terms and for how long (and six months is too long)-- now that you two were past the dating stage and actually exclusive as boyfriend/girlfriend. This is torturous the way you set up, frankly.

Given where you are now, I would wait a whole month and contact her for a face-to-face reassessment. If she hasn't contacted you in all that time, my intuition says she'll clearly end it and all this was an attempt at easing the letdown to you.

[seo]

Thanks guy for your advice. It’s like she is playing games with my head though. She will make comments like “this may be the biggest mistake of her life” and “she does not want to hurt me down the road” and that "she is doing this because she really cares for me". She also says that she has serious commitment issues and her friends call her the “run away bride”. I’m so confused about what to do. I know I should wait 2-3 months. But one month sounds better, maybe to meet for a drink. What if I send her an e-mail at one month saying – “let’s grab a quick drink to see how you’re doing”.

Does that sound too clingy?

She is also on my msn list. I have a blog that she has never seen, pictures of my life and my thoughts about this and that. I send an e-mail to all my friends when I update it. Should I send the link to her also, maybe as a reminder that I'm here?

[valinors_sorrow]

She appears to be playing a game called hard to get-- there is teasing and then there is something else. I think this is something else. And you are playing the counterpart game yourself called "how can I win her back by what I do" -- there is playfully seducing her back and then there are desperate ploys too. I hear your desperation. Its all a matter of intensity as to which level it is and neither is okay in my book, if there are hurt feelings involved-- which there are. Time for setting games aside, take a break and then some frank honest talk. Unless, of course you like your games intense and your feelings hurt?

[seo]

I asked her that and ever said that she is playing games. She said no. Do you really think she is? I kind of thought so. Now I’m even more confused. But if she is playing games, I’m more angry.

[cocoa]

I think you should take things one day at a time - (easier said than done, believe me, I know). See how you’re feeling in a month. If you’re feeling more at ease with things, test yourself a little and say, “Hey, things are going okay … I think I can wait another two weeks…” And when those two weeks are up, try for another two weeks. It may sound silly, but that has worked for me in the past. Two (or even three) months will be up before you know it. Everyone is different though. You have to find something that will work for you.

As others have posted, try to keep yourself busy. Even being busy with the smallest of things can help. When I’m feeling *really* down, I try to take baby steps -- literally hour by hour at first, until I start feeling better.

I will write down three very simple things that I want to have done by the time I go to bed at night. It can be anything from watering the flowers outside, doing a load of laundry, washing dishes -- whatever. If you’re up to calling a buddy, by all means, go for it. For me, I find that having these goals in writing (posted on the fridge or something) really helps. I just keep doing that, day after day, until time passes. As you start feeling better, your “to do list” can consist of bigger and better things, like going out someplace to meet new friends (if you’re out-going enough for something like that). Be sure to pamper yourself once in a while too. I think that’s important.

Again, this is just what works for me. If it helps someone else too, that’s great. If it doesn’t, then that’s okay too.

I also have to agree with the others and caution you about setting yourself up for disappointment. Your subsequent posts have me feeling a little uneasy about your whole situation. I agree with Val that it seems like she is playing hard-to-get... or testing you, or something. It’s hard to say for sure, but give yourself some time, give her some time, and as Val said - then get down to some frank and honest talk.

[valinors_sorrow]

She set you up to wait for her for six months, no rules or conditions other than at the end she gives you another try... I would be angry at that. And to be fair, you co-authored it and agreed to it... I would be equally angry at that too. But don't get all fired up and do something rash here, okay? Please, if you cannot wait a month, contact her now and say these terms won't work for you and renegotiate what will... or end it. But for me, waiting needs to have much more purpose than what I have seen here -- your time is valuable. Which is why I advised wait one month, face-to-face frank discussion, then decide. She is either playing you or having a really really hard time telling you its over or very confused but here is where it gets me--- you're being hurt and she knows it so how does that exactly fit in the picture? One month is enough time.

[Skell]

She is doing the right thing by telling you that she needs this time to herself after a 5 year relationship.
Trust me. SHE DOES. She needs time to herself and to get to know herself again. Without her partner.
It is very important that she does this and IF you get together in the future then this period will contribute to a much healthier relationship.

I am just out a 7 year relationship and there is NO WAY I could get into anything too deep now. Sure I can date and enjoy other company but a relationship NO WAY. Need time to myself. Figure out me, what I want.

I think this girl has handled this situation superbly and I'm sure if it is meant to be whtne one day you will be together.

But right now I think you should giver her space.

Do not push or chase. There is a bit of a saying around here "that which is chased, runs" and it is so TRUE.

If you push, put pressure on her, chase her, beg etc she will run for the hills and won't come back.
Play it cool, act as if you are comfortable with it. After all you should be.

Make her want you. You shouldn't have to do all the loving and chasing.

Leave her be. You get out and have fun, date, enjoy yourself. After all you shouldn't have to wait for her. But doing these things might just get her intrested. Especially if she really cares for you and see's that she might lose you. That will light a little fire in her I'm sure.

But right now, for a good 3 months I would do as she asks. Don't make the mistakes I have and not give her the space she asks for. 1 thing I have learned about women and people I suppose is if they want space, they mean they want SPACE.

I don't know if it is so much a game. I just think she is being honest with you. 5 years is a long relationship and she would be silly to rush into a nother relationship.

I'm sure it would eventually be the undoing of you two.

Give it time and if it is meant to be then it will. But look after No. 1 for a while.

I agree with Val,

There should be no agreement on waiting period, assurance of giving it another try. That isn't on.

She doesn't dictate to you what you do with your life. It is up to you. But if she has asked for space then id give it!

[valinors_sorrow]

To be clear, I believe that people fresh out of a relationship are not really available even though they act as if they are and foolishly get involved with others who are led to believe they are. What they usually get is a rebound relationship and those almost never work out. The reason why is a rebound relationship always occurs with someone you wouldn't ordinarily be with, and therein lies the problem. I think if they get in deep with someone, they owe the someone an honest ending. To be suddenly aware that they are not really available for a relationship is not license to ask someone to wait. I would be far more trusting (as crazy as this sounds) to end it and trust that if it was meant to be, it will occur again and takes no manipulation or effort whatsoever to make it happen-- true love is pretty powerful cosmic stuff. Otherwise, to wait and try and take it up again later, well, in the long run, I would be concerned about how honest they are thereafter since they were not so honest to begin with-- but then I have a big thing for honesty. It is how the best of relationships last, from what I have seen.

[confused25]

I agree with Val when he/she said that you have set yourself up for a lot of torture. I also agree that you should never set time limits because it only adds unneeded pressure. However, I'm not sure if I agree that this girl is playing games. The truth is that we don't know and we never will.

It sounds like you two were in a relationship for a couple of months and then she decided she wasn't ready. Well these feelings of uncertainty probably didn't occur in one day. It's possible that during the relationship she still had them, but figured they would go away, and when they didn't she decided she needed some space. Listen, the fact is that she may be lying and used this as an excuse to let you down easy or she may be telling the truth. Believe it or not, but when people say they need time and/or space it doesn't always mean they are lying.

Anyway, in my opinion this is how you should approach this: I think you should look at it as a break up without any burnt bridges. Meaning the relationship is over for now with the possibility of working out in the future. So start the healing process, move on, and see what happens down the road. Don't contact her for 2-3 months. I think 1 month is way too soon. In 2-3 months e-mail her and leave her a message that says "Hello, how you doing?" Don't ask to get together, don't ask about the relationship, just ask how she is doing.

If she doesn't contact you within a month it doesn't mean she lied to you about her feelings. Honestly it could mean a lot of things so it's best not to worry about it. In the meantime go out and meet new people. Your 30 years old, that means your in your dating prime! Don't sit at home and wait, go out and mingle!

Like I said wait 2-3 months to contact her. This is a good time frame because if she is honest that she needs time then you are giving it to her. If she is playing games, then your one step ahead because you're out there dating and on top of that you've made her wonder what you've been up to.

One last thing, don't give her the link to your blog. You don't want her to know all your deepest feelings. One thing I've learned from these boards is that all relationships requre a bit of healthy mystery. A bit of mystery on your part makes you more attractive.

[Skell]

I like the above advice. Had to spread it sorry confused.
Everyone here has given you great advice and certainly some thngs to think about.
It is up to you how you act on it though!
Good luck!

[seo]

Ok, screw it. I’m not going wait for her to make up her mind. I’m 30, the prime of my life. I’m attractive, fit, make good money and lots to offer someone. If she can’t see it, so be it….I’m going to start dating. Who knows, maybe I’ll meet the one.

I feel better now. Life is too short to even waste one minute feeling sorry for yourself. I’ll e-mail her in 2 months to see how she is doing…but that’s it! If she doesn’t reply….her loss! It won't matter because ill probably be dating someone else.

Thanks guys. I really appreciate this!

[confused25]

That's the spirit Seo! Just enjoy life and keep yourself busy. There will be times when you will begin to think of her and get depressed, but when that happens just begin doing things you enjoy. Go to the gym, watch a movie, hang out with the guys, do whatever keeps you busy. I also recommend that you come back to this website periodically, not only to remember the advice that was given to you, but to also learn about relationships from others. Above all remember one thing: in the end things will work out, with or without her.

P.S.
Sorry Val, I hope I didn't offend you. I typed he/she because I didn't know your gender, so I tried to stay politically correct :)

[Skell]

Yes you should definitely stick around and learn about relationships.
I see from your posts that you may be able to get some benefit about how to get the most out of your relationships. Especially early on. You don't want to get too clingy, attached etc early on!

[seo]

Thanks guys. I will stick around and learn more about relationships. Skell, I think that you are right. I’ve noticed that when I’m only 50% into a girl, only call once a week or so, do my own thing, they fall in love with me. But sure enough, when I fall head over heals and give everything, they screw me over, especially early on. I need to stop being so clingy early on, even if I do care for her I think. Lesson learned. What a great site. I'm going to stick around and keep you guys posted about my dating experiences.

[Skell]

Yeah your so right. We see it here all the time. People getting clingy and the girl running or vice versa. That's OK though. We all make mistakes. But the people here are fantastic and their advice is so true.
So listen and contribute here and you'll learn as much as I have in my short time.

Tell me about with the girls. I have had a couple lately who I have clearly and honestly told them my situation. That I'm getting over someone who I love and don't want anything at all. The moment I seem to say that they aren't scared off. I become a challenge and they chase me. They come after me hard.

I feel bad but I am honest with them from the begginnig. Im not after anything at all right now.

People want what they can't have... Keep the mystery etc. it is all so true!