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Czosie · Oct 28, 2008, 08:56 AM

Hope I'm right

Czosie · Oct 28, 2008, 09:08 AM

I misspoke in that sentence, I meant to say I hope to god she DOESN'T just see me as a friend, and that she DOES still have feelings for me so we can work on something in the future.. that's what is hurting the most.. if I could crawl into her head and see how she felt, if she felt hope that I would change and that it was another chance she was giving me, it would make this SO much easier.

Chery · Oct 28, 2008, 09:45 AM

I know what you meant.. But get it through your head, this is not meant to be easy on you or you will not learn your lesson. You're slipping again...
Get into your own head and straighten it out - do some serious house-cleaning in there first. Leave her space!

talaniman · Oct 28, 2008, 09:45 AM

If you would relax, and work on yourself, its easier to just pay attention, and talk honestly, and work on things.

Then you don't have to assume or wonder.

From what you have written, you better get busy, and solve your own problems, and get healthy.

I must say you give others such good suggestions, take a few of them to heart.

Czosie · Oct 28, 2008, 10:14 AM

Ok HELP! She called me at lunch and said how hungry she was and missed me, so I said Well tell you what I will come over and cook you supper fast tonight and then leave, so then she goes on this big thing about "I really hope your not being nice to me in hopes that we will get back together, becqause like i said before i don't think i will ever be able to trust you in that way again." I was not even DOING anything, at all.. WHAT do I DO?

Chery · Oct 28, 2008, 10:33 AM

Well, I guess you have to do some cooking and then leave after the meal. Be cordial, ask her how her day was (without interrupting and needing to fix anything if it went wrong) - just listen. Then give her a hug or a kiss on the cheek and say goodnight - that's all.

We are telling you that it will take a long time before she regains trust, and you know that, so again and again, DON'T PUSH IT and don't hope for things to change overnight.

As I said before accept what she offers now and cope or leave her completely alone and look for someone else. Plainer than that, I cannot get.

Go out on your own tomorrow night, or make plans for halloween with other friends.. don't stay home just waiting for her to call.. NOT GOOD!

Czosie · Oct 28, 2008, 10:36 AM

Wow it was just really hurtful that her and I have no been speaking a lot we have not talked about our relationship or anything for about 3 days... yet she decides to drop this on me? It really feels like she TOTALLY doesn't want to ever have a relationship again? I am making plans, After today I won't see her again until Sunday as I am doing stuff with friends.. But seriously, do you think she keeps bringing it up because she REALLY does mean it? That like she never does intend on ever getting back with me again? Im not trying to be thick skulled here, I totally agree with you and understand what your saying... what is she thinking...

Czosie · Oct 28, 2008, 10:36 AM

Im sorry I missed a line when reading, you say forget her and move on completely.. searching for someone new.. So basically I need to let her go, and forget about getting back together with her.

TrueFaith · Oct 28, 2008, 10:42 AM

Ok don't cook for her!
That's for damn sure

Just give her space and do your own thing.

I would even go so far as to say don't bother with her. Unless you really see something very special in her.

Good luck

Czosie · Oct 28, 2008, 10:46 AM

Damn... so its time for no contact and to move on isn't it... How can she want to spend time with me and then KEEP TELLING ME how we are not getting back together.. not now, not 3 months from now.. I am playing it cool, letting her get a hold of me, doing stuff for myself.. WHY does she keep bringing up the fact that we are broken up? I don't get it.. its like to rehurt me all over again.

Chery · Oct 28, 2008, 10:46 AM

Originally Posted by Czosie

what is she thinking...

That's none of your concern.. It's what she's saying that you have to listen to and take it to heart for now. We all know that minds can change, but only if and when she feels like it. Nobody can control this.

You should not have jumped in and suggested cooking, she was just making conversation and when a woman talks about things it does not mean you automatically have to fix it... just should have listened- but your Mr. Fixit mode jumped in and you are not in any position to fix anything right now except working on yourself.

Do not bring up any relationship subjects at dinner, tell her of your plans and listen to what she says about her's and that's it. Take your mind off this one track or you will loose the race... be a friend PERIOD. From now on please don't be too quick to offer to do stuff for her, she's a big girl.

Now, you try and be a big boy and stop placing her first... learn to live with yourself and like it, then you can share it. Get it?

Czosie · Oct 28, 2008, 10:50 AM

I get it.. Ryan needs to move on, think for himself, and understand her and I are done. Not that I'm trying to repair our relationship but that we are done, and I need to do things for myself.. I honestly just now understand this.. I have been thinking up until this point that I was still trying to fix our relationship while working on myself, but I get you.. I have to not even try to fix her and I at all, and drift away and learn to be myself.. Ok wow, we really are totally done.

Czosie · Oct 28, 2008, 11:25 AM

I have such a sour taste in my mouth for love right now.. its going to take a while for me to let anyone in again.. a long while.

TrueFaith · Oct 28, 2008, 11:33 AM

I personaly don't think you gave yourself enough time after your other relationship ended.

Take as much time as you need :)

All the best

Chery · Oct 28, 2008, 11:34 AM

I didn't say that.

If all you want is someone to take the place of your ex-wife next to you in bed in the morning because you can't stand to be alone, then yes, go..

But if you can imagine a friendship with truthful, sincere and meaningful times and fun - and eventually more - but in months or even a year from now -, then accept this help, and that of your therapist, and just lay back and enjoy her company.

No matter what you decide, I don't think it would be a good idea to find another woman to replace either one of them yet because it would be unfair to her. You are not ready for a meaningful and honest relationship yet as you are confused and in a rush to find a substitute to fill your loneliness. Please don't do that to yourself. You need to like and respect yourself again and that will take a little work.

So, please stop pouting and thinking fatalisticly ahead. Stand up and do something about it - set a realistic goal and work to reach it.

talaniman · Oct 28, 2008, 11:45 AM

Chery is being nice, but your really being a selfish idiot.

Don't you know how to be a happy person, and pleasant, and comfortable to be around??

Have you no charm?? Sense of humor?? Know when to shut up??

What did you do to catch her attention, and interest before??

Go back and get it, from where you put it.

Chery · Oct 28, 2008, 11:51 AM

Ryan, where are you? You are talking about yourself as a 'Third person', and you are basically not wrong here..

There are three individuals in each of us: Me, Myself, and I.
Me, the Infant, Myself, the adolescent and I, the adult..

Well, when one is stronger than the others, you're off balance.

The 'me' in you wants to cry or smash things right now because he can't have his toy.

The 'myself' in you is feeling sorry for himself because he got a little rejected and his ego is hurt and he does not want to remember that he's the one who messed up in the first place by playing a game.

And the 'adult' probably wants to go out and get drunk and laid because the other two are predominant right now. You need to get that adult back to reality before you screw up some more.

I hope you read this before you go to cook for her because I really don't want you to push a friend away just because she didn't want to get as close as you wanted - that's childish.

Crossing my fingers...

Czosie · Oct 28, 2008, 11:57 AM

Ok, I will be her friend.. Thank you people.

Chery · Oct 28, 2008, 12:04 PM

Originally Posted by Czosie

Ok, i will be her friend.. Thank you people.

This is how I picture you right now...

Stand up, be optimistic and give yourself a chance! Right now, you can use all the friends you've got... so don't push them away. A time will come when you've got your pep back - so do as Tal said, keep on looking for those qualities you've lost - and then gain some more while you're at it.

Czosie · Oct 28, 2008, 01:06 PM

You guys have always been right, and I am seeing it and understand.. I can't think about relationships, I need to think about ME. I need to just not be so available to her and do things for me instead of always doing everything for her. Its going to be a hard road I know, especially if she starts dating someone. That's probably when I will do NC, lol.. But hopefully things work out with her and I in the long run.. I REALLY NEED to get to know me, and my son, and my job.. and my life.