[Czosie]

Hello everyone this is my first post.. I have been searching questions online for a great deal of time trying to answer questions in my head and its seems that every question I asked seemed to bring me here.. I thank you in advance for any help you may give me.

A year ago I started dating my Ex.. I was going threw a divorce but the paper work had not gone threw yet so I was still technically married.. I told her that I was single, and lied to her. About a week into the relationship I told her, and she broke up with me.. I begged and got her back..

About 3 months later I found an old friend from high school whom I cared deeply about back then.. I emailed her and we swapped a couple messages back and forth.. One email consisted of how I use to love her.. how I was very sad that we stopped talking and we joked about what it would've been like had I not met my ex wife and her and I been together.. My Ex girlfriend didn't find the situation humours.. and broke it off again.. I fought and got her back..

5 months later a girl I use to talk to and slept with messaged me, I told her that I would've been a good man for her, that I had loved her but she lost me and I didn't want to talk to her.. My Ex was checking my cell phone and saw the messages and broke up with me.. I fought for her and got her back..

I asked her to marry me, she said yes.. She moved in with me around 4 months into the relationship..

A week and a half ago I was at a party with my brother and 3 of his friends.. we were all texting one of the guys cousins whom is female about coming over and playing beer die because we needed another.. My Ex was actually reading the verizonwireless website and checking my messages saw this number and questioned me.. The last fight I did to get her back I promised her I would not talk to woman anymore.. that I was sorry and would never lie to her again. So when she questioned me about the number I paniced... and lied again.. I told her that it was a buddy and that I was just messaging him to say what's up, about 10 minutes later I said I'm sorry, I lied to you it was Jake's cousin, a female and I was just saying what's going on... So she broke up with me.. that was a little over 1 week ago.. I had to move out of our apartment and mvoe into my parents house.


My current situation is that I have lied in the past.. I have had a serious problem with small lies, and then the ones I have mentioned here so she is justified.. she says that she has NO trust for me.. that she has never regained trust for me from the first time she found out about me not being divorced and lying about that.. I truly feel that this woman is the one, I would go to hell and back for her and I would fight until every last piece of me was gone and I had nothing left to give.. She tells me that we will not get back together, that she will never trust me again, and that she can not give me hope because there is none..

So I have fought to get her back and its not working.. Sense the break up we have talked every day, texted every day and saw each other almost every day. On Friday we went out to dinner.. I was hurting really bad and we got into a fight about the situation.. She told me NOT to bring up the situation again and I did that night, So she told me not to talk to her until Monday. On Saturday night I texted her... she called me, and then came over and we went for a ride and talked. Sunday came and I went to her house at 10 with hot choclate and we had breakfast, I helped her move some stuff, then we had lunch where we started talking about us again.. She put her foot down and said its not going to happen, I love you differntly, I want to be your friend.. So I left it at that.. We went to walmart and held hands a little, rubbed her back kissed her head.. we went shopping just for her.. After that we came to my house. I was helping her put pictures up on Facebook, fix her phone, and fix her camera.. while playing around on the computer she is putting her feet on my lap, sitting directly on my lap.. not on my legs or knees.. directly on my lap, and I'm putting my arms around her.. it was so nice I wanted to kiss her, that's how right it felt.. She went home, called me before bed and we had a wonderful talk about life and stuff we could do together.

What do I do.. I fear that if I back off her and just give us both space that she will completely break away, its such a thin line where we are.. Actions have always spoken louder then words to me.. And her actions say she wants to be with me.. I mean seriously we do everything the same as we use to, except we don't have sex and I don't live with her. I want to fight for her SO BADLY, but she keeps saying that I need to move on and that there is no hope that she can regain trust in me again but she does love me and misses me. Ok I'm rambling now.. I just am so confussed, she is the one and I want to be with her forever.

[Czosie]

I tried to put everything in there.. I want to stress that I did have a lying problem that I am going to the therapist for now.. trying to sort it out that is something that she wanted.. She has always been worreid about money and I just got a new job which pays good.. She told me that between work, her studying for the CPA exam, and me it was like she had no time to herself, that she always had something going.. I just want to keep adding stuff so everyone gets the whole picture, so if your going to respond your informed as possible.. sorry

[TrueFaith]

In my view

I really think you need time with yourself. To work on your issue and get a better feeling..

Then once you are ready get out there and start dating.

Because what I have read is a real mess.
Do not dig yourself anymore deeper.

Leave relationships for now. And work on the most inportant thing. Which is.

Yourself.

[Czosie]

I do agree with you, and I think your correct I DO need to have time for myself.. I have never just had myself.. I wish there was a way to build up myself while keeping her in my life and with me.. I guess my main question is She is saying one thing, and doing another.. I truly feel that if I do not fight and try again, I will regret it forever.. I don't like having regrets and I don't want to wish and hope in the future.

[TrueFaith]

My advice would still be to move on. I know the need to fight is strong but we have to know when its time to stop.

This is not meant for you OK but ill give you an idea.

People that Stalk other people. Say I don't want to let her go. I want to work things out.

They feel that what they are doing is the right thing. And they think it will get there partner back.

Sometimes the best way to fight. Is to not fight at all.

I really do wish you all the best

Regards

Faith

[Czosie]

I do appreciate the post very much, I value any opinion given.. I would really like to know what she is thinking.. hanging out all the time, talking all the time.. but she has all the right to change the rules whenever she wants.. She tells me not to be to touchie, yet holds my hand and sits on my lap.. you

[TrueFaith]

I know how it is. It's a shame when they make the rules.

We only let people treat us the way we want to be treated.

So now in the futuer Don't let her Lead you on.
Or make her own rules.

Next time she sits on your lap or tries to touch you go woh woh. This isn't what friends do.

Because I wish I did that with all my friends ;).


Make your own rules.

All the best

[Chery]

Put yourself in her shoes for a minute. She fell for a guy and he disappointed her several times, so naturally it will take time to trust him again.

She obviously still has feelings for you, even if just as a friend now, being as busy as she is lately. But if you give her space and back off, give her time to notice that you are really attempting to change your habits, then you just might gain more back than just friendship.

It will do you a lot of good to use this time to get to know exactly what you want in life yourself, since obviously you have had relationship problems before or you would not have been going through a divorce.

In my opinion, you always needed someone around, but were not too selective or sincere - and now it hits you and it's hard to change bad habits like telling lies to get off the hook.. they just get you deeper.

So, I think you need to continue therapy, work on yourself and take up some activities that will keep you out of trouble from now on. Once she sees that you are sincerely trying to take a better path, she just might want to join you in that journey - but it will be up to her. Don't be too clingy and pushy, accept what she gives you right now if you really want her and just let time do it's thing.

If, in a few months down the road, she still keeps her distance and just wants to be friends, then you can decide if you can cope with that and find another partner. You really need let time and patience work for you.

Nothing in life is a guarantee, not even a break-up like this one as she is not forcing No Contact... and you just might be lucky to regain her trust, depending on how you act from now on. As I said before, just don't be too pushy, clingy or in a hurry.

Good luck, and keep us posted.

[Czosie]

Thank you Chery.. This was pretty much what I was thinking.. I know I can regain her trust and get her back.. its just going to take time. I apprecite the responses

[Chery]

That's what I'm here for dear.

Sometimes it helps when someone looks at it from outside the picture to help you get your perspective.

Just take it slow, listen to the verbal and physical signals from her and try to stay tuned to that. It will help you to understand women in general.

If and when you need a translator, just let me know and I will try and do my best to help you further.

Again, good luck.

[talaniman]

You are way to dependent on her in your life, for this to be healthy. Your feeding that need to have someone at great sacrifice to yourself, and no way are you even close to a healthy, happy relationship, until you get your personal life worked out, and learn to be happy with who you are.

To do that you must first find out who you are, and what you want from life, besides running behind someone for companionship, and love.

You have a lot of work to do on you. Then you can worry about someone else's feelings.

[Czosie]

Just to give an update.. Last night I sent her a brief "thank you" text it read, I am sorry for everything I have done and I swear to you that I will not blow this chance.. I will do everything right.. I promise you I will change and prove everything to you again." Basically talking about her giving me the chance to regain her trust.. we aren't dating nor has she given me the chance to date her.. So today now I am not texting her.. was going to wait to hear from her.. see if she would text me.. I had a job interview this morning and she told me to get a hold of her when it was done.. but I want to try to not always be the first to make contact.. When/IF she does make contact.. what should I do? How should I play this out?

[Chery]

If she contacts you to ask how the interview went, let her know if you want to. After that, let her take the lead - if she wants to cut the conversation short, say OK, talk to you later. If she wants to continue, just be normal as if talking to any one of your other friends.

I think at this point she is in the 'helper' mode and you can choose to accept that or not. Don't forget that you met her on the 'rebound' during a divorce, so you do have a lot to work on with yourself.

As Tal said, you need to get your identity stabilized and find out if you can live with yourself as you are right now or if there is room for improvement and this is something that does not happen overnight. Get your good job, a nice home-base, and a good feeling about yourself.

Concentrate on a relationship with yourself and not with her, except for a good friendship that MIGHT benefit both of you later. But, it will take time.

So, TIME, and inner balance are the keys here...


Don't make any promises you can't keep to her or to yourself yet.

[talaniman]

how should I play this out?

Stop getting carried away by your own feelings. B-A-L-A-N-C-E!

Concentrate on a relationship with yourself and not with her, except for a good friendship that MIGHT benefit both of you later. But, it will take time.

What's the hurry??

TIME, and inner balance are the keys here...

Says it all.

[Czosie]

I get what your saying.. BTW my interview as at 9:30 she got a hold of me at 10:45 asking " Is your interview done??" I don't understand this "helper" mode.. I don't understand how she can be so eager to talk to me all the time.. I want to be her friend but of course I am thinking something completely different, I am trying to rebuild a relationship.. Do you think by her actions she is meanign what she is saying? Or that she is simply testing me to see if I really want to change? I just think she is saying one thing to get a fire under my butt to make me do stuff and change.. but really loves me and wants to be with me.

[talaniman]

You have potential, and she is afraid of pushing you away. How long that keeps her interested, is another matter.

[Czosie]

So keep being there for her whenever she needs it? Stay close, prove myself.. keep going on dates.. having fun? We are going to pick up pumpkins to carve for halloween.. stuff like that

[Chery]

Generally, a man thinks he has to put his Mr. Fixit Cap on and take charge of things right away... always busy,busy,busy and get the job done.

A woman thinks she has to soothe, encourage and help no matter how long it takes - and she usually does not want to be rushed into things. She wants to be able to sit back and reflect on the good job she did helping...

That's a small taste of the differences between men and women.

So, she's taking her actions the way she sees them, just as that and not giving you signals that you think you read. You are in too much of a hurry to join the two into a relationship but she's not on the 'racetrack' like you are. So, again, take it slow and don't try to read her. You can barely read yourself at this state, for goodness sakes.

Sit back, relax and let her take the lead while you take some serious time in getting to know YOU without having to have someone with you all the time.

Listen to some good sounds, take up some sports, read a good book, watch a few comedies... anything that will take your mind off what you think she's thinking and start thinking of WHY you have to think for someone else in the first place - and talk to your therapist about them.

We don't always have to analyze or 'understand' the helper mode or any mode for that matter, just accept it as it is - it's that simple. She cannot change you, only you can do that and she knows this. She will however, enjoy and appreciate the efforts you take to do so - but again NOT overnight. Think TIME!

Time to think of HOW will she know you've changed and not WHEN - there's the difference. While you will think of HOW she feels about you now and not WHEN will she feel more comfortable... And if she did not care about you she'd be out of you life - that should be enough for now.

If you cannot wait, then it's time to forget about her and look for someone that does not know your past history and start over... but you will remember, and if your memories are not that cool, then you've got more work to do so that you can be fair to yourself and anyone else in your life.

Wow, this is almost a book, but I sincerely hope that I've got my point across.

[Czosie]

You're a very smart woman :) I wish I had you you on my AIM list so we could just have a conversation.. haha.. You did get your point a cross.. I was asking about the "Helper" mode because I was wondering if it meant she was just trying to make things easier for me.. But had no interest in getting back together.. if this was the case I would break contact and move on, I don't want someone babying me just because they don't want me to be too hurt. If she cares and Helper mode is a way to stay in contact with me while I do make these chagnes then GREAT I will appreciate her even more.

[Czosie]

Actually my AIM is in my profile.. ;-) haha