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jmw0713 · Nov 12, 2008, 08:15 AM

KC, I know your right. MY brain tells me your right, but my heart is keeping me from realizing that 100%. That's the difficult part.

kctiger · Nov 12, 2008, 08:16 AM

Yep, me too. It is extremely hard for me not to email my ex during the day, cause I get pretty bored at work. You just have to make a promise with yourself not to do it. I know whenever I contact her and she doesn't immediately reply, I start to 'wonder.' I cannot keep playing mind games with myself. It isn't fair.

talaniman · Nov 12, 2008, 08:17 AM

Your feelings are understandable, but do not act on them.

Be glad she is happy, and do what makes you happy.

We often get those feelings dredged up when we hear news of them, or see people, places, or things, associated with them.

Stay with NC.

jmw0713 · Nov 12, 2008, 08:18 AM

No, it's not fair.

Tal, I wish there was a switch or something to turn my feelings for her off... because right now I would use it. It's really hard to fight them right now and I'm trying to suppress them because I'm on the edge of falling apart at work right now. I need something to do...

kctiger · Nov 12, 2008, 08:22 AM

Yeah, I would use it too. The good thing is that you are human. Having feelings like this is a good thing, it really is. I means you have the capacity to love and to care. You cannot fault yourself for that. The one thing I keep reminding myself is that I LOVE A CHALLENGE. This is a HUGE challenge, the hardest I have ever had, but it only makes you better in the end.

jmw0713 · Nov 12, 2008, 08:25 AM

Your right, your all right.

This has been the worst day since the day after I found out what she did!!

Thank god, I found something to do here at work for a little bit. Hopefully this will help some.

And thank you guys for being here for me, you don't understand how much this helps!!

kctiger · Nov 12, 2008, 08:32 AM

You will have good days and bad, BELIEVE me. I am nearly three months into it and it ain't over yet, and I know that. Just keep talking it out. Whatever you do, don't contact her. I have done it time and time again. Only thing that does is raise more questions.

busterite · Nov 12, 2008, 05:17 PM

You are going to stay strong and just go with what your brain tells you because your heart at the moment is in no state to guide you. You need to give it time, not give up and for your own good do NOT contact her. No good will come out of it.

I went through the same thing about 4 months ago. At first you feel that your whole world is crushed. The first 2 weeks I couldn't eat or sleep and the first 2 months were the hardest thing I have had to go through in my life so far. Partly because although I went NC with her she kept on finding ways to contact me and get her message through. It gave me nightmares and endless sleepless nights. The hardest thing was that she managed to cut me off from our common group of friends. Its OK though and even after everything she did to me I still want her to be happy even if its with someone else. I know that I still have a lot to offer to the next person I am going to let into my life and that obsessing over something that I cannot change won't make me happy, it will just bring about negative feelings.

My advice would be to keep your head up as hard and as impossible as it may feel. Don't leave your job, it will only make things worse because you will have more free time to think. Keep busy with sports, going out, hobbies or anything that will put your mind off it even for a little while. And always keep in mind that the way you feel won't change from one day to the other but you will eventually feel better. Unfortunately there is no other cure apart from time itself. And this is coming from someone that at first thought there is no way on earth the feelings will pass.

You are still going to get your bad and good days but the bad will become less frequent as time passes by. Don't keep things bottled up. Just come here and vent whenever you feel you need the support.

talaniman · Nov 12, 2008, 09:15 PM

A good strenuous workout, hot bath, two aspirin, bed.

jmw0713 · Nov 18, 2008, 08:18 AM

What's going on? I hope everyone had a good weekend!

I had a great weekend with friends. I went out Saturday with some women from work (older women friends) to a college football game (Navy vs Notre Dame). It was awesome. We then went out to get some food and have drinks and whatever. I had a couple girls at the pubs noticing me and had one come up and actually talk to me. We had a nice friendly conversation about playing 8-ball. I got her name and introduced myself, but she was heading out the door with I am assuming either a guy friends or her boyfriend... I don't know, but it did make me realize that there is light at the end of the break-up tunnel. I know I am not at the point of dating yet... but I think I am at the point where I can start picking up numbers and talking to women again...

Sunday. I returned my ex's snake to her house. Her parents were really nice to me, as they always have been. They were like a second family to me, when me and the ex were together, so it was difficult for me to see them... but I got through it very well. I think her mom was actually about to cry as I was leaving. I don't think my ex actually told them the full story about the other guy, because her parents invited me to Thanksgiving... but I politely declined. It was still nice to see them and talk to them. When me and my ex's father put the snake back in to her room, I noticed that all the pictures of us were still all around her room... that kind of got me a little, but I held it together well. So I talked to them for a little while then went on with my day.

I went out to watch football with some of my buddies. That didn't end so well. One of my friends has a serious drinking problem and ended up getting kicked out of the bar... so we ended up all leaving then, although I wanted to go somewhere else anyway. So me and my other buddy went to this other place. Didn't have the luck I had Saturday though, but hey I still had a good time until the one of the friends I went there with got kicked of that place. So... that was a little crazy.

OK... so here is where I'm the idiot.

I didn't have my cell phone on the whole day because the battery died. So when I got home at 3am, I plugged it back in. Who should I see that sent me a text message... my ex. It was just a thank you for taking care of the snake. So me being a dumba$$ under the influence of alcohol I started typing a reply. Then a flood of emotion comes over me. Her parents told me earlier that day that she got ANOTHER 3 month extension at the place in Florida, but she is unsure if she is excepting it or not.

Anyway so I reply "Your welcome. Congratulations on the new 3 month extension!! I knew that you would be successful down there from the start." If that wasn't bad enough I then proceeded to write "Don't ever let anyone or anything hold you back from you dreams and from doing what you love. I will always love you and if this is the only time your going to be home for a while would it be OK if we met to walk and talk about things?" She replied "That would be very nice". Then I replied "OK...just tell me when. Be prepared because I still have feelings for you and this will be very hard for me. But I know this is how it has to be." Then I went to sleep.

At that moment it felt good... but now when I think back to it sounds so desperate. I feel like at that moment I just gave up all the dignity, self-respect, and strength that I had built up in the last 4 weeks. I am now questioning why I said all of that crap to someone that doesn't feel the same about me as I do with her. Sadly all of what I said to her in that message is true... and now she knows I still love her and my feelings haven't changed.

I mean I'm not sad that I sent it to her... I'm more angry at myself that I did. I feel like I failed myself and everyone here that keeps saying NC is the only way. I fell right back in her web... and now she knows it.

I can't seem to NOT love her. I can't seem to be angry at what she did for some reason... why? Where is the anger inside me? Where is the man inside me saying "Hey what the f*** are you doing!! F*** her!"?? I know that's how I should feel... but for some reason I can't. What's wrong with me?

kctiger · Nov 18, 2008, 08:29 AM

Nothing is wrong with you. You cannot just 'fall out of love' with someone. You are going to fall many times during this process. The only that matters is that you get up and keep on moving. Keep your head up and keep moving forward.

talaniman · Nov 18, 2008, 09:06 AM

I know that's how I should feel... but for some reason I can't. What's wrong with me?

Nothing is wrong with you, and that's just the way you are, and there is nothing wrong with that.

busterite · Nov 18, 2008, 12:17 PM

Firstly there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You cannot force yourself to not feel a certain way. It will take some time.

You were drunk and just did something you regretted when you sobered up. It has happened to all of us and there is nothing to be ashamed of. Just learn from this and either stay off alcohol for a while or even better just delete or change the name you have her number saved to something that will remind you to stay NC.

So what if she knows how you feel? Will it make any difference to you right now? Just focus on yourself and how you want to see things develop in the future for you.

jmw0713 · Dec 3, 2008, 12:42 PM

Quick Update... more like a journal entry but an update on my progress

Well I've been doing really well. I've been going out with friends a lot during the weekends. The only thing is all of these friends are also friends or acquaintances with her. I don't mind much... we just don't talk about her and have fun. They all think she is stupid for what she did, and one of them even told her this to her face... but that is neither her nor there. The thing I notice is how empty I feel with out her. There are SO MANY things that remind me of her or something we did together. I'm just handling those feelings as they come. I haven't got to the point of really pursuing things with women beyond casual conversation... but I know I will be there soon enough. Its funny, when I used to go out with her, I would not notice other women checking me out at all... now I notice it pretty frequently.

She called me one time about 2 weeks ago and gave me a corny excuse why she called, she wanted directions to try avoid Washington DC. I humored her talked with her for a couple of minutes... but it was hard. I knew then that I was not ready to really talk to her regularly... so I haven't at all. I think she called me to see if I was still around and willing to talk and I shouldn't have, but oh well. On the phone, she talked to me like nothing really happened between us. Thinking back to what someone said in a thread I replied to, this was probably because she is a few months further in the healing phase than I am. At any rate after I ended the conversation... I really missed her and she was on my mind the rest of the day. It set me back slightly but not back to day one.

Cut to a week later to now my feelings move from sadness to disbelief to anger to acceptance to excitement. I am all over the place mentally right now.

I have finally started feeling the anger that everyone has said will happen. Sometimes I get these thoughts like "F-You...Why did you make a dumba$$ decision to do that. Don't ask me for sh*t anymore. I can't believe you left for 1 or 2 nights of pleasure with some a-hole from Boston.":mad: I mean I really get pissed off about it. Thank god I'm usually by myself at the gym or whatever when these feelings and thoughts occur. They kind of scare me sometimes because that's not me at all.

Last week, she texted me on Turkey Day... I replied wishing her and her family a Happy Thanksgiving. I'm trying to be more civil than anything right now. That brought back some strong memories and feelings. Its like my brain is just purging them from my memory so they will not come back for a while... which would be good.

The gym and karate classes really help to relieve the stress. I been noticing results especially physically and confidence wise.

I still miss her, but not as much as I did a few weeks ago. I still think about her 2-3 times a day for a few minutes at a time. That either makes me sad, angry, or disillusioned. I know that since we did so much together that these thoughts and feelings will be with for a while. I think she is probably dealing with the same thing as well. Our relationship was pretty good for a while. Everyone envied us and always complimented on how we worked so well together. That was when things were good. In the end it wasn't.

I saw someone post in another thread about how sometimes relationships are all about timing in life. I really feel that is true. She is still in her wild party phase while I'm in between the party and settling phase. When we first met we were both in the same stage, but as time went on I started to move in to a different stage in my life while she was still in the party stage. Sometimes I wish we would have met when we were both a little older, but that doesn't mean it would have worked out for the better. Oops...there I go rationalizing things again....

I guess everything happens for a reason, a reason that I hope I find out soon.

So for anyone reading this... it does get better with time. I was a wreck when I found out everything, but time is doing its job. A few weeks makes a world of difference. Hopefully soon I will move on to the next chapter.

Thanks for the support and reading my long posts. Happy Holidays! :)

talaniman · Dec 3, 2008, 01:54 PM

Your doing okay, and as you get to the point you can cope with things on the next level, you will be better for it.

Just keep plugging away, until your ready to grab the world by the tail again.

face_reality · Dec 3, 2008, 06:17 PM

Dude you really like taking a beating from this girl. Don't you? This girl has completely lost respect for you. Now let that sink! You know what you need to do now disappear. Don't take her calls, emails, text. My friend, once it's over, it is over. Enough to conduct yourself with. It will take sometime but you will get over her and move on. Good luck

jmw0713 · Dec 30, 2008, 01:23 PM

Well the New Year is almost here. I hope everyone has had a good holiday. Mine wasn't the best, but I am dealing with everything the best way I can.. I guess.

I've been reflecting more about what went wrong between her and I. I've been looking back to try and see what I did to aid in the break-up and I realized that everything started going downhill with us when I started questioning my trust in her. I remember when we we first started going out, I didn't care who she was with or what she was doing. Then for some reason, as time went on something changed in me that caused me to question that trust I had.

This lead to a lot of pointless arguments and fighting. I said a lot of hurtful things to her during these fights. It is tearing me up inside to think about that. It is tearing me up to think that this whole thing may have started due to my unfounded lack of trust and insecurities. And now there is nothing I can do to fix this between me and her. The only thing I can do is fix this with myself.

This is really eating me up right now because I think this is the reason why her feelings for me changed. I've been feeling a lot of guilt and regret for some of the things I did when we were together. I wish there was some way to show her what I have learned and prove to her that I am still the person she originally fell in love with... but I know that the only way right now is stare the future and my fears in the face and try again. I will at some point, but only when I can finally deal with and leave all of the pain and regret that I feel right now behind me.

I never thought that I would have turned into that person, a type of person that I had no respect for before becoming one myself. A jealous, insecure, and distrusting boyfriend who didn't know what they had before it was gone.

Now I know and it hurts...

I feel like I am back to where I started. I thought that I was making progress, when in reality, I was just suppressing what I was feeling. The dreams are back. I still think about her multiple times a day. The memories are still haunting me. I've been staying busy and doing all sorts of things, but nothing seems to be the same anymore. It's like I don't get the joy I used to get out of things I used to like to do. When I'm out with friends, sometimes it's like I put on this false mask of happiness when I'm with them. Then when I am by myself, alone with only my thoughts, everything comes back, just like now.

I am really trying to follow everyone's advice and my own advice that I give others. I just hope this passes soon, because I feel like crap right now.

jjwoodhull · Dec 30, 2008, 01:28 PM

Life is a learning experience. You can not turn back time or take back things that have happened. You can only take what you have learned and move forward with it.

The holidays always make us miss people more. Hang in there. Time will heal.

jmw0713 · Dec 30, 2008, 01:35 PM

It feels like it's been so long already, and I still sort of feel the same way when everything happened. I mean I don't feel crappy for days on end like I did when everything went down, but for some reason days like today still happen all the time.

Justwantfair · Dec 30, 2008, 01:45 PM

It is so easy to idolize the people that were in our lives once they aren't anymore. That doesn't mean that they were ever angels in the relationship and we were the devil, it's our false preception of events after the fact.

Don't beat yourself up about it, you may have made a few mistakes but all you can do now is learn from them and make your life with someone else that much sweeter because you will be able to appreciate them while they are still in your life. Everything in life is a lesson, just be smart enough to learn yours.