[vivia12]

Like your quote maybe you'll find Gold when you dig deep.
Its sad how people chose to give up or walk away,or not appreciate the person they were with. Leaving them to pick up the pieces,with mine sadly a third party was involved so he couldn't wait to hook up with her.
So why should I still be in his friendzone when he has someone else.
That's whay you don't want to be on the friendzone, I read that its always on their terms since they see that you'll stay in their lives no matter what, even if they are with someone else, hopes that's not your case.

[jpm247]

Very true.

I miss her dearly, we never fought or anything, so I thought I'd found someone very special. If its meant to be its meant to be, as Tal says, we need to get healthy first, and seeing her in a friend capacity is not going to be healthy for me, as I want more.

If she realises what she's missing one day, I'll see where I am and how I feel once I'm emotionally more stable.

[vivia12]

I heard that they do circle back especially after you moved on but then it would be too late. Question J. As well as txting or dropping by, did she ever call you? If so would you respond if its her?
Just a bit confused,if I never answer his calls, wouldn't it seem as though I'm still upset? (well I am, but don't want him to know that) My case I have every right to be since he callously told me that all we're ever going to be is friends and that's it. Well I'm not interested in that or keeping contact as his friend while he rejects me and is with his new flame. I have toyed with the idea of answering and trying to sound cool like I'm over it,but I don't know how I could pull this off when I'm not? Not sure what to d,if the situation presents itself. No not pulling off to the side of the highway,just contemplating a bit.

[jpm247]

I heard that they do circle back especially after you moved on but then it would be too late. Question J. As well as txting or dropping by,, did she ever call you? if so would you respond if its her?
Just a bit confused,if i never answer his calls, wouldnt it seem as though i'm still upset? (well i am, but dont want him to know that) My case i have every right to be since he callously told me that all we're ever going to be is friends and thats it. Well i'm not interested in that or keeping contact as his friend while he rejects me and is with his new flame. i have toyed with the idea of answering and trying to sound cool like i'm over it,but i dont know how i could pull this off when i'm not? Not sure what to d,if the situation presents itself. No not pulling off to the side of the highway,just contemplating a bit.

I think that if he's off with another girl, then I wouldn't answer the calls. And in my case, my heart would probably be pounding but I'd have to let it ring out and not answer. If they left a message see what it says, but otherwise I think I'd not answer it.

J

[vivia12]

My heart pounded also, when I was staring at my cell when it rang.
He's been w/her for a while now so him calling,even though it in way makes me feel that I'm not that forgettable, doesn't do anything if he doesn't lave a message,or that he wants to be with me,fat chance,I guess disappearing is my best and only bet.. not to get him back but to save the scrap of digbity I have left, do you ever feel the same way, seems like you're doing great and no tmade any mistakes I hd in the past-being fiends,that's not what you want, especially if or when she breaks the news that she met someone else. Worst day of my life when he told me.
I will take your advice to heart J,and hope you're feeling OK, you are advice helped me a lot too. Magma, that reminds me oof my Geology class,its molten rock isn't it? :)

[friend4u178]

Hi JPM
I think Tal has pretty well covered everything you should be doing here but seeing as you requested I read your story I will give you my opinion. It also seems you know what needs to be done and are doing it well.

The trick is not to fall into the trap of breaking NC when the times get hard , those moments when you have a bad day or 2 are the worst , but you just have to work through them.

Bottom line is she has thought about this for some time and has made her decision , you don't just wake up one morning and decide to Dump somebody , particularly if you still love them.

She feels guilty and I would say is making contact to ease that guilt , if you respond or are there for her in any way at the moment you end up feeling worse because you never really have the closure you require , don't be her doormat or her backup. Be strong , stay strict NC and start to heal.

No point wasting your energy on someone who isn't willing to reciprocate. And if its meant to be in the future you will at least have put yourself in a mental state where you can make a decision based on logic and not emotion. And you will have kept your dignity.

[jpm247]

Many thanks friend4U, I appreciate the input, I really do.

The past weekend has been particularly hard, but I have not borken NC. I'm not saying its easy to do, its tearing me up quite badly at the moment. But some days are better than others at the moment, so I'll keep rolling with it, and see where it takes me.

[MOWERMAN2468]

Use the "delete" icon and delete his messages, better yet, put it in your spam folder.

[jpm247]

Its been a particularly tough couple of days, definitely an up and down ride at the moment. I have read that to properly heal, you have to let go. I am wondering how I do that?

At the moment, I am thinking of her probably too much, I guess its just because I miss her badly.

But then again , why waste my my time and my thoughts on the person that has caused me this much pain? Then I have a thought that I should see her to give her that hug and be there for her, then my head takes over and says no!

Stay NC. That's 3 attempts at contact and I haven't replied. She has no invitation from me to enter the friends zone, as that would be what she wants again.

This is seriously tough going, and I thank everyone for their input. Its amazing how many people have gone through it, and are going through it.

[friend4u178]

JPM
It's not easy , but you have to realise your doing this for you , why worry about her and be there for her? Is she doing that for you , NO!! She's contacting you to ease her guilt. Let her current boyfriend worry about her.

You either start it now or you let her contact and answer and it just delays the process.

[talaniman]

Hang in there buddy, as hard as it is, the rewards are even better.

[vivia12]

Hey J.
You're not the only one whose practing NC, remember you gave me great advice so know that you're not alone


Get on that No Contact Highway!

[jpm247]

Guys,

I am a broken man.

I have been out tonight to a bar/club, and my ex's best mate was at the coat stand taking the coats etc. I stupidly said hello and go chatting etc, she said she didn't know too much about my and my ex's breakup as they had stopped talking to each other recently but she knew that we had split up.

Then she said she new that my ex had tried to contact me, and I had not bothered to respond. I said imagine that you really liked a guy and he got rid of you, but you stayed around on his terms for whatever he wanted, you'd be a doormat for him. What about what you wanted? She said I understand but I am a doormat at the moment for a guy I am seeing... I said don't ever be that, as you are worth so much more.

Basically she said that my ex was wondering if I'd be still around as she is a little lonely and wants some physical action etc, and if I was up for that.

That has made me feel the lowest I have ever felt.

I'm sick of going out and coming home and feeling like crap. There's me thinking that she might be missing the relationship we had, but if I take her mates words as gospel she is quite clearly not. All she is missing is her mate to share some problems with and some guy to feel close too.

I feel such a fool for thinking that she may be missing me. I really hope that some good days come around one day, as this is really hurting. Its probably the reality check I need to be honest, that someone you cared so much about couldn't really give a dollar about how you are feeling. I genuinely thought she would be missing the relationship we had. How could I be so wrong? All I want to do is leave this town I live in and get away asap. I', 25 have a good job and can go anywhere I want, but I feel at the moment I have gone 10 rounds with mike tyson at his peak.

Tonight has hurt me so much, I cannot believe that this girl would have been so shallow, to think after a year together I'd be happy to be her fu*k buddy.

I know its not from her herself but it still cuts me deep.

I wish I hadn't said hello to her mate.

And I am so fed up of feeling so low. I was doing OK today as well.

J

Xx

[JBeaucaire]

This goes to show you how critical a policy of N/C is. It includes collecting/accepting info from 3rd parties, too.

Now that you've broken N/C by taking in the new info, see how it didn't help at all? AND, you don't even know if it's accurate. So you feel worse and have nothing useful to show for it.

N/C means working on your own heart and motivations, setting the way to eventually be OK with your lingering feelings for the EX. You can't forget, so N/C is a coping tool, meant to strengthen you and get you through it.

Also, as long as you're talking to other girls about your EX, you aren't courting THEM. Now that's a missed opportunity. Even if you have no intention of pursuing girls like the one in your post above, it is STILL good practice to spend your time talking to THEM about what they like and getting to know them.

Also not a bad idea to help those conversations guide away from discussions of THEIR exes, too. Talk about dreams, hopes, jobs, fantasies... etc.

Start thinking forward again.

[jpm247]

I know you are right, I shouldn't have even bothered to talk to her friend! What a wally!

I am trying to be as strong as I can. I haven't contacted her at all, guess I didn't realise how an innocent chat with a 3rd party could have opened up the wound a bit.

I will remember next time!

[talaniman]

Not only have you learned a valuable lesson, you now where you are in the healing process, FRESH. The same thing applies to her friends as her, be nice when you see them, but to busy, or in a hurry, for conversation. You may have to be a little more proactive in your healing, and get busier.

[vivia12]

"Then she said she new that my ex had tried to contact me, and i had not bothered to respond. I said imagine that you really liked a guy and he got rid of you, but you stayed around on his terms for whatever he wanted, you'd be a doormat for him. what about what you wanted?? She said i understand but i am a doormat at the moment for a guy i am seeing... i said don't ever be that, as you are worth so much more."

Hey J, what are you doing reading about my life?its so me what you've described hang in there,go west!

[vivia12]

My ex(friend) just called and was still immature running the friends line,
Nothing changes,just same oled crap, I say forget it,not being any friend to no guy who kixks me to the curb,
What you're feeling now J. is anger, that's part of the healing process.
Believe me,I'm going through the same thing, now its just,what the hell did I waste my time for attitude,comes w/acceptance.
Do good things for yourself, you have the weekend off?
Are you In England by the way? You say mate, my goodness, if I was there, I would be hitting all the historic sites, do something good for yourself,promise.

[s_cianci]

Don't contact her. Mark the e-mail as spam and delete it.

[Ash123]

Leave her be.

The universe will take care of the rest!