[George_1950]

I believe it is like learning to crawl once again; have you ever seen how an infant learns to get its knees under its torso? They have to try, try, and try again. Then you will pull yourself up to your feet, and fall; and pull yourself up again, and take those first steps. And you, like everyone in this mess, will fall; and you brush it off, and start walking again; and soon skipping and then running through the wind. For me, hour by hour, day by day, and now week by week. And you will look back and those raw, painful feelings will not be so intense; you will surprise yourself, you will see.

[HistorianChick]

damn I'm such loser... I seem to be bipolar. I knew I would feel down really soon but I messed things up.

why can't I trust myself, I already know I can't trust her, why do I want to keep looking at the evidence, I'm just making everything worse, not just on myself, but I'm gonna have to fess up one day. Jesus I hate myself for that, I'm so good at taking care of myself and everything else, but this one damn link that I have left to her is destroying my whole world. and it's not even her doing it to me, it's me doing it to myself, I'm still very sick. what do I do.

Darlin, you're not bi-polar, you're human. You're going through the stages of letting someone go... expect Shekra (The best roller coaster in the world... at Busch Gardens, Tampa).

You do trust yourself. You have moments of pure happiness, intense grief, and all-consuming hatred for yourself and her.

You're not going crazy, nor are you sick. Healing takes time. But you know what? (Yet another one of my famous literary antidotes... ) You know what a pearl is?? Other than being one of the single most beautiful adornments, it is basically a scab. When the oyster gets a cut in his shell, he starts to exert all his energy to heal that cut... the dirt particles that crept into the shell in the tears the soft oyster become a scab. That scab is what we call a pearl. Every time that I wear a pearl I'm reminded of that... Without the cut, never would there be a pearl.

Without your pain, never will there be a glorious ending.

I wrote something once... It's very non-poetic, but it was during a time in my life that I was going through what you are going through right now... this conflict of emotions...

A grain of sand embedded in the soft flesh of an oyster
The pain; an impurity tunneling away at the hidden depths
The oyster, unbeknownst to the harsh and cruel world surrounding him
Quietly struggles to rid his body of the offender.

Slowly, the single grain becomes a jagged cut
Followed by tears of pain
Not knowing why he hurts so, he presses on
Desperately seeking to purge his soft tissue.

Repairing the breach by fashioning a scab
Completely covering the torn membrane
The oyster begins to heal himself
Becoming stronger and wiser from the grain.

To the beholder, the healing scab has become a precious pearl
A soft, glistening reminder of elegance and beauty.
To the oyster, but a testament of
A battle fought
A weakness overcome
A victory won.

It is up to you to make the struggles of today
The pearls of tomorrow.

© 2008 HistorianChick

(It's nothing special, but hope it helped. :) I'm rooting for you!:)

[George_1950]

Just curious, how long to make a pearl?

[HistorianChick]

Depends on the oyster... :)

[homesick]

I hope this doesn't come across as desperation, but that's probably what it is. I thank you for your sage advice, and I'm smart enough to know that it's right and that I should take it, but I'm also a very stubborn person, actually I prefer to call myself steadfast. I don't like to change my mind, I will look at something from all angles before I change the way I think about it. The only angle I have left to look at this problem from is the future, and I know I can wait for that, but I've told myself to look at it every other possible way.

Was it my fault, was it her fault, was it nobody's fault, was it bad timing, was it circumstance, is this a test, have I already failed it, did she fail, who will come out better from this in the end.

No matter what questions I ask or what conclusions I draw, I still come up with the root of the matter, I love her, and she does not love me. She thinks that anyway. But I know better, I know her heart and I know her weakness, and fear, and I'll be damned if I don't know my own heart. I could almost completely let her go yesterday, I knew from the start that it could almost cripple me but I could let her be with somebody else from the start because I know that she will come back to me, but she won't fight for my old self, she is too short sighted to remember what was inside of me that inspired her to grow beyond her frail limits. It might only take time for that barrier to be destroyed, and time is something that I have, but we both know that she falls in love easily, and she is good at fooling herself for her comfort, so despite my foreknowledge that her new relationship is not likely to last, her patterns suggest that she will not circle back, they suggest that she will move further down her path of desperation. But I should reconsider that, she does circle back, but she doesn't consider this searching for a replacement suitor, she might think of it as catching up with old friends, rebuilding her self esteem is what it really is, when all these old flames rush to answer her vague dispatches.

I need a secret weapon, I need something to shock her into seeing me clearly. If only I had a way to reach her, but I'm blocked at all fronts, whether she wants to see me again, any way I have of relaying evidence of my swift recovery would be lost on her. It's such a damn dilemma I know better than to call or write her, not so much out of fear of the dreaded 'friend zone' but I can't afford her prejudice anymore, I need her to think I am not attainable anymore, and right now she probably believes I am only a phone call away, I can't abide that, I need her to see me as I am now, completely able to enjoy my life without her, honestly I can laugh again, and I can go out, I'm planning good times very soon and I guarantee she won't ruin them for me, If I could convince her that I was getting married I might try it, I need some pretense to communicate with her, or something to lure her into contacting me. I hate games but she played them mercilessly with me and I deserve the opportunity to show her what I can do when I am in control instead of her. I needed to suffer to know what I was taking for granted and the same must be true for her, she smothered her suffering with petty arguments and new romance, I tasted the full draft of my suffering and I drank long, now it is time to share. I don't really want her to suffer I just want to take away her ignorance, if she knows how good she could have it she'd come running back to me.

She doesn't love me any less because of the pathetic way I acted when she broke up with me, she just lost attraction, and it was at a time that she was playing the field, the main reason she left me was for somebody else, and she didn't want to wait for me, I know that it sounds like she doesn't love me because she didn't believe in me, but who could blame her, I was a no good for a while and when I came here to change I kept writing her and whining like a loser. So when any reasonable guy comes along, (who happens to be the kind of guy with lots of girlfriends and appears to be an non macho alpha male, who is just her type) of course she has doubts. What was I doing to reassure her that I was growing, nothing at the time, and by the time I was it was too late, she was hung up on the next man. So we both failed to keep the relationship together, she had help though, her girlfriend whose actions often resemble a pimp's, and a lot of bad history with me, now I failed because I forgot that she was in a stressful situation, panicking because she suddenly found herself alone, and also nervous about her final exams, she clung to me at first, but I neglected her, because I was in much deeper trouble than her. If she failed med school she'd just repeat the last year, which was not very hard, and it wouldn't cost her a thing except for the time, because the Hungarian government pays for all citizens to get their first degree for free, even doctorates. If I messed up I'd most likely starve to death or be in poverty inflicted debt for the rest of my life and I'd never be able to return to Hungary. She had a support channel of friends and family, I had an estranged family and some seriously lazy friends that could listen but do very little to entertain. Now I'm diong much better and seeking ways to better my image, and enhance my life. She is just doing the same old thing, she is taking care of her new boyfriend, helping him find a bed, a new apartment, and thinking he is so sweet and he doesn't take her for granted like I did. Gee I guess no other guys are perfect during the first few weeks/months of a relationship, just wait a while... but in a way he is using her, she loves it though, he can't speak the language, and he needs help to survive there, so did I but I had no friends or a job, he has both so why does he need her to help him with this? There doesn't have to be a reason, she doesn't think about it! All she knows is "he treats me better than my ex did"

By the end of this year I'll be able to take care of myself there and I'll go back to learn hungarian so I won't need her help, I don't want to get into a pissing contest with the guy, but she started it with her inane comparisons.

But we'll see what's what when I show her that I've been standing on my own two feet since she left me. I don't need her to take care of me, I won't take her for granted if only she is loyal, I made some serious changes and I know that she will pick me over him as long as I can get back to her and show her all this, but why can't I show her now, because actions speak louder than words, and time will tell if I am truly capable of all I claim, well I don't need to wait, I know it now, and I'm doing it. Why should he have a chance to build his reputation while I'm actually working to change and all she has of me are sad memories and pity for a man that doesn't exist anymore?

Sure she has good memories but obviously not enough to keep her from hopping into bed so soon after I left, and she has downgraded them and lied to herself to paint an even uglier picture of me, just to make it easier for her to find another man, easy right? She doesn't have to feel bad about not wanting to be alone if she makes me out to be worse than I really was. I don't want to wait for her to break up with her new boy toy, I want her to compare now. He's only known her for 2 or 3 months, that doesn't amount to a lot, I've got 2 years with her and even the bad times are enough to make her think twice about leaving me, now I've got 4 months of training that prove I can stay afloat and even start sailing without her help, I could even honestly say that she made things more difficult here than they had to be, it got easy for me right when she left, and I'm lucky because if she left me earlier I might have really messed up and gone back to Hungary, because I would have given up. I know that I can accomplish what I set out to do, who do I get her to see that!? There has to be a faster way. I won't leave her behind, I am going to be happy with or without her, I want to bring her with, if only knew it would be so easy.

[HistorianChick]

I have an idea... Send her the link to this forum... and your posts. If it doesn't show her exactly what you are, then nothing else will. She'd see your struggles. Your heart. Yes, she's see the ugly side of everything, but she would also see exactly what you are feeling.

(Of course, in my own situation, I'm not sure that I'd be able to take my own advice... I'm not sure I want "him" to read what I've posted and see my heart opened to strangers... but, for what its worth... )

[HistorianChick]

On second thought, I don't know if that would be good... I know that you will ultimately decide the right thing to do in your singular case... but, I applied my own advice to my own situation and I know that personally, I wouldn't take it.

Wish I had all the answers for you, hon... but this literary mind can only do so much.

[homesick]

I appreciate the suggestion, but I'm pretty certain that in her state she would see my relying on strangers for support as weakness. And even though it is anonymous I think she would be mortified that I made some of these things pseudo-public. Besides it might take her days to read all of it, she reads a little slow in Hungarian it takes her forever to read in English.

[HistorianChick]

Yeah, I kind of came to that same conclusion for my situation. I wouldn't really want my "him" to read all of our "stuff"... Even though it has been one of the most cathartic, wonderful outlets for my own personal struggles. I've connected with people that have truly helped me, and I've been able to create my own pearls from the words that I have typed to others.

Well, I hope you find that answer for your questions. You deserve it.

[homesick]

I think the best solution is unfortunately, waiting. I think the answer will present itself to me in time, I can't influence her now, because no matter how ready I am, she is still not ready. So I'll just keep being strong and keep waiting, and I'll learn how to suffer less with each day that passes. I think that is the only way to really prove to her and myself that I can keep going without her, if I keep struggling to speed things up I'm only proving that I'm impatient and unsure.

Thanks in advance for not being to critical the next time I write in demanding suggestions for how to get her attention.

[HistorianChick]

Your welcome in advance.

Just remember that you're SO worth happiness... and an Aston Martin... or a Top Gun worthy bike... ;)

[homesick]

I felt like saying this, the increase in her ability to disappoint me does not diminish my love for her, or my belief that she can be a continuous positive influence in my life, just like with your pearls, each time she cuts me I grow a little, and it's funny but even though I get angry it doesn't change the way I feel about her, I still love her and I'm sure that no matter how much I grow, how strong I get, I will still forgive her and I will still have the patience to wait for her to see that.

Every moment she doesn't return my affections I grow stronger and I learn more about myself. And I'm happy because I know that I can keep doing that even after she comes back, because I found what was missing in my life, and it wasn't her, it was that part of me inside that wanted to be a man and it finally came out.

What I continue to believe is that I got ahead of her on the road of life, I was far far behind but now, I find myself waiting for her to catch up. I won't stop but I might slow down a bit to wave her on.




For a while now I've had a strange idea about making a short film about a day in my life, sort of a documentary. I suppose it was inspired by my desire to show her my progress, that idea keeps coming back, I'd like to to it for myself. And of coarse I would love to share it with her. If only I could find a good camera man...

I should do it myself, but I'm not sure how I could pull it off, I've got a video camera, and a decent digital still camera that can take short movies, and it has a very large memory card. I work in a warehouse for UPS and I don't think they would really like me bringing cameras into work. I'd also have to get my film equipment registered so that I could prove that I didn't steal it from some random package.

Maybe if I said it was for some college project I could talk them into letting me film during my shift.

I should really start thinking about this more. But I've got a lot of other things to do, like my homework for example, that due tomorrow, and I've got a math test that I have no idea how I'm going to pass.

*sigh*

Some times life is hard, but it's interesting how all my problems seem like so much fun when I just think that all of them are so silly compared to wanting the one you love to share in your overcoming them.

[HistorianChick]

Hey homesick! How you doing lately? Still moving onward and upward?

[homesick]

I'm hangin in here, I had a pretty bad day yesterday, I finally have something else to really worry about, I did pretty bad on my college math test, I got to buckle down and study this week, and keep studying for the rest of the semester, I won't let myself mess up just because I can't stop thinking about her. My college counselor said something to me a few weeks ago that I thought was pretty brilliant, "you cannot be destroyed by just one person" while it's tempting to think that in a way I can be and in another way the person I used to be was destroyed by her, I believe that it's true and I won't let her destroy me.

I told my mom about this and she made another good observation, it's not just one person's actions that are tearing me apart, it's two, she played her part and I'm just finishing what she started if I keep torturing myself. And I'm the only person that can stop that.

It's a rough beginning but I hope I am seeing the light now, and if I keep my head on straight I'll see that light at the end of the tunnel.

[talaniman]

it's not just one person's actions that are tearing me apart, it's two, she played her part and I'm just finishing what she started if I keep torturing myself. And I'm the only person that can stop that.

You have a very wise mom, make her proud. (she is already, no doubt)

[homesick]

Every time I think that I've gotten through this, I try to live my life, but I can't.

I keep going back to her in my mind, and my plan seems destined to failure, I won't change the way I feel about her, and I won't change the way I feel about suicide, I will always be too afraid to end my life, I'm almost certain that it would make my suffering worse.

I live in fear every second that I can't do what I want to do, or that I can't do it fast enough. I want to believe that she will fall in love with me again, but I can never know that for sure, no matter how much I say it.

I don't need her in order to live, but I don't have a reason to live without her. I honestly believe that I love myself and that I am good enough for her, so I must be good enough to live and be happy right? I can't see how I can do it. No matter what I try I'm defeated by my disappointment in people, and my desperation to get back to the only one who I never wanted to quit trying with. I never gave up hope even when she told me she didn't love me. When we started sleeping separately. When I left, when she told me she wasn't mine anymore, when she told me she preferred the company of others, when she told me there was no going back, I never stopped loving her, and know I never will, I wish for death or a miracle, both are welcome because I'm tired of pretending to live without her.

I can't bear the pain of her doing all the things that she wanted to do with me with somebody else. I wanted those things, I still want to do those things, I wasn't strong enough to take what I wanted, I only settled for the pittance that I knew. Now I know so many of the secrets of happiness, but I'm not skilled, she has the power to attain these simple things in life, I can only perform as long as I don't think of her or as long as she is near me.

My existence has become dependent solely on what I can do to align myself with her again, and what information I can acquire about her. I'm obsessed, I've become a stalker, and she'll never love me the way I am now, no matter how much better I am, I'm still a parasite, I have my own fuel, but I'm not growing, I'm sucking my own life out by trying to get back into hers.

All I want is a psychotic plan to trick her into calling me, or thinking about me. I need to pull her strings. All the words that I ever said that made her fall in love with me in the first place are useless now, and there are no more words that could make her remember the old love or discover the new one that is waiting. I need to shock her into seeing how we fit together.

I'm perfectly aware that she doesn't think that she is lacking me, but when she sees me she will know that we are complete when we are together, and no matter how many movies, concerts, plays and parties she goes to with him, she will never feel the way she did when she went with me. And she needs to be reminded that I am going to be the best.

It can't be up to her to call me, because she doesn't have the courage to go back for love, all she has is her friendly nature, and her collection of old boyfriends, they all want her back in one way or another, but she wasn't lying when she told me I was different from all of them.

I keep telling myself the lies, that's why I don't get angry at her. But she doesn't call. She makes more plans with him, she doesn't look back to me, she doesn't even write to me about my things, I don't care what the reason that she doesn't call me is. I only care that she doesn't have a clear sight of me, she doesn't know how hurt I am, or how weak I am, or how strong I would be if she came back. I'm so good at pretending to be what she needs when she isn't here that I must be able to do it 1000 times better when she is with me.

I'd rather live a lie, loving her for all her horrible beauty than go on.

If she is not as wonderful as I believe she is than I don't believe a person exists that could be what I imagined she was. I'm better off fooling myself with her than wasting my life searching for somebody that doesn't exist.

[talaniman]

Puh-lease, your prose is great, your logic is FLAWED. Your feelings are real, but your actions are UNREALISTIC. Your coping skills are NON-EXISTANT right now. In simple terms you are STUCK, and that is not HEALTHY. Get some help.

[homesick]

Only I can make myself stop wanting her. I just don't see how anybody can help me do that.

[homesick]

What happened to everybody being so sure she would call me after a while of no contact. All the reasons are still there, the new boyfriend is the only real reason she isn't calling.

I'm not interested in getting myself help unless somebody wants to help me figure out what I'm going to say to her when she calls me.

If she acts like she just wants to return my things I can't act the same way as if she calls just to do reconnaissance because she wants to change boyfriends again. Ha, I know that's not going to happen why would she change back to the sick boy that's across the ocean. She'll change to somebody new and keep breaking hearts, but what about my stuff?

How do I Get her to talk to me without sacrificing the only advantage I have. I need to tilt the playing field, for all I know she could think that I'm even more miserable than I really am, but if I call her she'll know I'm still missing her, if I don't there is a chance that she will think I don't miss her enough to call her. If I can make her see that I'm doing as well as I am, or maybe even a little bit better than I actually am, then I have a chance.

The way things are now, she will never consider getting back together with me, I need the kind of help that can change that.

Somebody tell me how to get her to consider visiting her aunt in California, somebody tell me how to make her curious about me enough to check out my social network web pages and see how much better looking I am now, and of coarse also see some strategically placed photos of me at parties, with another girl/s, doing awesome things, being happy without her, etc.

[homesick]

I never changed my goal from getting her back. I never actually decided that I wanted to be happy without her, I realized that I could be, but so far I have only been able to do it for a short amount of time.

So my plan remains, "Be the best I can be right now, without her. Live for myself. When the time is right charm her into falling in love with me again."

I know that I should just skip step three, and that I shouldn't even think about it until I can do the first two steps, and some people will tell me to forget about step three altogether. But I'm just not capable of that right now, and I am a stubborn person, if I am ever capable of changing that I may still decide not to.

She still wasn't sure that she wanted him over me before, I still had opportunities to show her I was changing as long as she agreed to keep talking. I deprived myself of any opportunity to call her without appearing weak when I said goodbye. Now that her brother has told me that her Internship in Hungary has not materialized, I know that she is seeking work, and I'm fairly certain that she is not looking very hard, because she would rather spend her time at leisure with her new boyfriend. If somebody could appeal to her to explore her options again, there is a small chance that she will think about coming to America, because a new doctor with no student loans can make a lot of money in the States and that would rule out her reservations about taking advantage of her parents financial assistance. If she started thinking about working in America, then I would have a golden opportunity to prove myself.