I'm in love, but I'm not a dummy
See my post below if you want to read the really short version of this
Long Version, I met my ex in Germany while I was in the army, she was a medical intern from Budapest and working in Berlin when we met, our relationship started a few months later after she broke up with her ex and we both traveled back to Berlin. We had what seemed like an extremely romantic and emotional one night stand, but after we both returned to our homes we started calling each other from Frankfurt to Budapest, and eventually flying to visit, she gave me a happy surprise by showing up unannounced once. During these visits we fell in love and for reasons I can't discuss I know that know matter what I do she is not capable of stopping loving me even if it is not the best thing for her.
At one point she got another internship in Germany nearer to me and we got a place to live together, things seemed great and we always settled our differences (what few there were at the time) with compromise and communication.
During this time we began to have a sexual issues though, I had an unhealthy addiction to pornography and immature attitudes about sex. Sex began to cause her both emotional and physical discomfort, and I while I was sensitive to her I did not act to resolve the issue, which we convinced ourselves was something physically wrong with her.
I got out of the army early and we moved back to Hungary together. This was an exciting time, she had her friends back, which was very important to us because she felt isolated in Germany on account of me being a shut in. I began attending Hungarian language classes and I was and still am enthusiastic about learning the language but I couldn't keep my excitement high for the duration of the course, and my attendance suffered, afterwards my motivation waned and I became lazy and stopped leaving the house almost altogether, quite often she would stay in when she would have gone out if I wasn't there. And our sexual relationship deteriorated even more, until she completely lost all desire to make love with me. I regressed further and continued indulging my porn addiction.
Throughout our relationship we made efforts to bring porn into our sexual relationship she even made efforts to share in my use of it, but ultimately it was not for her and she always felt negative (guilt or shame) about it afterwards no matter how good the experience was.
Outside of our sex and social life, all aspects of our relationship seemed genuinely good, we loved spending time together doing all sorts of things and she was broadening my horizons. I was helping her to grow and encouraging her, while I was becoming much less stressed and more patient. Her family had never made any of her other boyfriends part of the family like they did for me. And all her friends loved me too. She told me many times that I made her feel wonderful in ways that no one else ever had. And she did that for me as well.
But the problems were getting worse and we decided that we needed time apart, I returned to America for three weeks to help a family member that was in trouble and when I returned things seemed OK but not improved, we went on holiday for three weeks and I thought it was a great time, but much later she made it sound as if it was a disaster.
Finally I made the decision to return semi-permanently to the US to work and attend College with my money from the government, as well as finish becoming a man by being on my own and finding out what life is like when you've only got yourself to rely upon.
We agreed that we could see other people while we were apart, she even encouraged me to(bad sign, I know) but I didn't believe that either of us would. Things were horrible when I got back, it was difficult for the first month without a job or car or a place of my own, I wrote infrequently to her and usually complained, and I neglected her. I had been back in the US about a month when she took her final exams for her Medical Degree, and I forgot to call on the day of the first one, because I had a job interview. We fought about how I was not worried about her problems when she was stressed and I wasn't 'there' for her, and I was only concerned with how hard things were for me. I did my best to make up for them and she seemed to open up a bit but she never came completely around after the exams.
A few weeks later she didn't call or write for about a week and when we finally talked and she told me she didn't feel comfortable being my girlfriend anymore, she wanted to be 'just herself' I told her she could, we both cried and she made it sound as if she were saying goodbye, she told me that she would have come to live with me in America if I had only made it sound like I was happier. In the end I told her she could live her life and that I would try to do the same. The following days it ate me up inside until I couldn't hold it anymore, and I called her back and told her that I would fight for her until my last breath and that I'd never let her go. She sounded happy but scared that I was fighting in vain, but I felt better that I told her how much I wanted us to work. I didn't call her for a few days, then a four days before Christmas she called and said that she missed me. After we talked for a bit she said that I sounded like I was doing very well, (the truth is I was not but I was incredibly happy that she called and I wanted to make her proud) and because I sounded stronger now she thought I was ready for her to tell me something that she had to say. She started by saying that there was somebody else that she would rather go to parties with... then when I questioned her she told me that she had kissed and slept with other men and was still seeing one and had slept with him more than once.
I felt emptiness inside, it wasn’t the pain I felt when she told me she didn’t want to be mine, it was slow deep hurt of shock and then jealousy, I tried my best to keep my cool and I’m sure that I sounded very small and weak but I told her that I was disappointed but that I loved her anyway and I forgave her, because I had given her permission.
I tried to talk to her less afterward because I don’t want to be the jealous ex, but it upset me so much that it all happened while she has a brand new freedom and is surrounded by friends and family and opportunity. She was doing nothing but partying until she has to prepare to find work next year. While I am here, alone, hungry, working a physical labor job that I am unaccustomed to, with few friends, and long hours of nothing to do in-between hard workdays.
I was getting ready to leave her, but I couldn’t each time I got any word from her.
Finally I put some puzzle pieces together and I realized from things she had said that she had already met her new fling, before she told me she wanted to separate. This made me very angry because it made it apparent to me that while I don’t need her to survive and am doing better now, she couldn’t stand being alone in the midst of all her blessings, and she was still afraid of losing me enough to mislead me so that she could cheat on me guilt free and keep me on a string, waiting for her to come back.
I believe she should have told me that she had met somebody the first time she called me but instead she said she wanted independence even though she had picked out her new lover, and then she waited for me to become bent on winning her back to tell me she was with somebody else.
So I decided to stop contact with her. She didn’t contact me until the day before New Year’s Eve, she sent a message that said
“Did you call? I couldn’t hear my anything. I’m out playing guitar hero with kids, kisses”
The important thing here is that if I called her, there is no way she would not know, because I am pretty universal when I want to get a hold of somebody I’ll write messages and call several times and email and so forth, so she knew I had not called. I responded in a friendly but distant manner a couple hours later;
“Just got your message. I’ve been working in my garage. I didn’t call but I was thinking about guitar hero today.”
On the 31st I knew she would not call for new years, I but I waited all day anyway, and I sent this just before midnight her time
“Happy New year I hope it’s good one”
Friendly but impersonal.
I even went out with some new friends and tried to enjoy myself. But I felt miserable. The
Next day she sent me another text at 5:00pm her time
“Happy happy new year! Im so sorry my phone died last night and i just got home. Talk to u soon i hope u had a great time!! Kisses”
This made me angry because it felt like she was trying to rub it in that she spent the night and the entire day out, and it doesn’t take much of an imagination to picture her with her new lover bringing in the new year together in all sorts of ways that me want to die.
So I didn’t respond, I haven’t talked to her since then, but I still love her and I even believe that she might not realize that she is playing these horrible games with me.
Since then she had sent me several more messages, the went as follows
In the middle of a job interview I told her I had on the 2nd of Jan (fortunately I had my phone on silent)
“Hey hun, are you available now? Luv”
The response I sent an hour or so after the interview:
“Can’t right now”
And a few hours later I wrote this
"Can't talk to you tonight, I'm busy sorry"
Later that day she replied
“It’s ok. We have a whole new year ahead. Talk to you later. Kisses”
By this point I’m feel angry enough that I don’t really want to call her, but still I do want to talk to her and Dammit I still love her.
Today is the 5th and she has tried to chat with me and even called later on Skype I didn’t answer the chat, but I wasn’t around when she called, probably makes me lucky.
