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miou30 · Oct 2, 2007, 04:42 AM

I realised that the main thing bothering me now is the fact that she took her love away and doesn't seem to be suffering at all. I guess that's a bit selfish. I realise now that what we had wasn't that great after all. Still I miss her presence at home and the feeling that somebody is thinking about you the minute they wake up and before they go to bed. I'm so eager to work on myself. I realised that my main problem is that I don't love myself. I'm not happy when I'm single. It always feels like something is missing. I'm taking counselling now and hopefully that will point me in the right direction. I so want to be happy withmyself!! Anybody has any ideas? I heard affirmations are a great place to start...

talaniman · Oct 2, 2007, 06:24 PM

I so want to be happy withmyself!!

It starts with you being happy with who you are. As long as you continue putting others above yourself, you will be miserable. How simple is that to understand?

miou30 · Oct 15, 2007, 03:32 AM

Hi there y'all! I haven't posted anything for a couple of weeks so here is an update on my situation. Its been six weeks since the break up and 4 weeks since I started NC and it still hurts like hell. I requested that she doesn't contact me again after the break up and that's what she is actually doing. I never heard from her since. Even though it hurts I don't dare contacting her again as the last time I did that (4 weeks ago) it felt like we were braking up all over again. I just felt my heart break once again. I'm taking on all the advise I got from the people on this site i.e taking on new hobbies, taking counselling, keeping myself busy. It still hurts when I do think about her. It seems that every time I think about her I feel that she is enjoying her life without me and I'm here trying to put the pieces together and rebuild my life. I hate feeling like that. She doesn't deserve all this pain I'm going through. My heart goes out to all the people who joined lately and are looking to find ways to deal with the pain. We all know what you are going through. We are still trying to cope ourselves. The pain is overwhelming but hopefully it will feel a bit better a few weeks down the line. Hang in there!! I know I'm not making much sense. I guess I'm feeling really down these past couple of days and looking for somewhere to vent. For those of you who are experiencing extreme feelings of rejection and feel that your ex is so much better than you. Think again!! I have embarked on the most important journey of my life. The journey of learning to love myself and enjoy being with myself. It's a very scary journey but I'm sure it will pay off in the future when I do meet that special someone. Even though I haven't been posting I kept checking how everyone is doing and I was getting encouraged from the great progress most of you are doing. Keep it up!!

smoothy · Oct 15, 2007, 05:59 AM

Great, this first few months are the hardest, but you've already survived the hardest part, the first month. It will get easier, and it does get progressively easier as time goes on. Key is don't dwell on it. We've all had or will have a hard breakup. Those of us that are older have been through a few. You really do need to go through these because if you don't you won't really be able to tell when you meet the right woman. And Trust me you might think this one was the right one but after you meet a few more you will be glad you moved on. Nothing works better than experience to help you know when you really have the right one. Trust me that I'm glad I never stuck with the first few women I was sure was the one... I would have never met my current wife, and have far less drama and problems than I had with any of them. I've been married 16 years now and would not trade her for any of my previous girlfriends. And yes I dated a LOT of women before. I'm in my mid 40's so you can do the math.

miou30 · Oct 15, 2007, 07:17 AM

Hi there Smoothy! Nice to hear from you again!! I'm glad things worked out for you in the end. I guess everything does happen for a reason:))))))) Its nice to hear some words of encouragement every once in a while. I have been feeling a bit down lately and its getting very frustrating. I'm so tired of feeling this way... I had my fair share of dating as well. But the last couple of breakups really hurt. Its so bizarre that in your mind you really know what's best for you but the rest of your body is not willing to follow. I made the mistake of putting my ex on a pedestal and now it's a huge struggle getting her back down again. Big mistake! No contact really works though. I think I am getting my sanity back slowly but surely. I have no idea what she is up to and I hope I never find out cause I don't want to hurt anymore. Chery if you are out there I would love to hear your views as well.

smoothy · Oct 15, 2007, 08:20 AM

Persistence and perseverance are your friends. Stick it out now and reap the benefits later in more than one way.

You have learned a few lessons about women and what to watch for in the future. You have learned a bit more self discipline, and you gained a bit more life experience. Trust me it helps deal with the big losses we will all suffer when our parents pass on.

Painful lessons, yes... but ones that make us better people if we choose to learn from them.

Chery · Oct 16, 2007, 08:45 AM

Originally Posted by miou30

Hi there Smoothy!! Nice to hear from you again!!! I'm glad things worked out for you in the end. I guess everything does happen for a reason:))))))) Its nice to hear some words of encouragement every once in a while. I have been feeling a bit down lately and its getting very frustrating. I'm so tired of feeling this way...I had my fair share of dating as well. But the last couple of breakups really hurt. Its so bizzare that in your mind you really know whats best for you but the rest of your body is not willing to follow. I made the mistake of putting my ex on a pedestal and now its a huge struggle getting her back down again. Big mistake!! No contact really works though. I think I am getting my sanity back slowly but surely. I have no idea what she is upto and I hope I never find out cause I don't want to hurt anymore. Chery if you are out there I would love to hear your views as well.

Hi dear. The reason I have not posted here is because you've received good advice and you've also progressed quite a lot. You've learned to accept the pain, work with it and go on. And yes, it probably still hurts to be 'alone', but you know it's better this way for now. You have weighed the pros and cons of this particular relationship and realized that it was not a bowl of cherries without the pits. We go though pain, anger, denial, and then realization. You have also done that.

I think you are doing well in the healing process and that you should keep up the good work. It will crop up on you now and then, but these 'flashes' will become less and less, and in time, they will be gone.

All of this will help you in the next relationship, and there will be a next time. But this time it will be better. Being alone for a while and liking it enhances your security in who you are and what you really want - and then you will be able to work toward you goal.

Your healing process of two months has been faster than most on this site, and that's a plus for you, so keep up the good work. You might all back now and then, but that's normal because we cannot totally erase our memories. These memories will file themselves in a deeper file in your mind once you start making newer memories of better relationships and better times in your life.

Keep us posted.

It's OK to make a few mistakes, that's human. What's important is that we never give up trying until we get it right.

miou30 · Oct 16, 2007, 10:47 AM

Chery,
Thank you so much for taking the time to post on my thread. Your posts have such a loving tone. Your comments have really given me strength to carry on the hard work. But sometimes I feel Im not doing any progress at all. No matter how hard I try I can't seem to get her out of my mind. No matter what I do she is always on my mind. I kept the promise I made to myself and have not contacted her for about 5 weeks now. And neither has she. The fact that she just left like that has really hurt me. She disappeared off the face of the earth and haven't seen or heard from her since.

On the one hand its better for me so I don't get hurt again and again and on the other hand my ego is hurting so much as I realise that she has moved on so easily and has forgotten about me. I try so hard to keep her off my mind that when I fall asleep and my subconsious relaxes I keep dreaming about her every night. On the outside I't appears that Im being strong (as I have not contacted her since) but on the inside it seems I am obsessing over her. After a month of NC I can understand now that I fell in love with the potential of what she could have been far as timing is concerned. She was a prety amazing girl and we hit it off immediately. The problem was that she could commit to a serious relationship at the time.

Being alone is not that bad now. I don't miss being with someone but it seems that she is always on my mind. Counselling has helped me rationalise most of my feelings and I am really gratefull for that. And I realise now how important it is to be able to enjoy yourself and be happy with yourself before you even try to be in a relationship.

Thank you again for your advice and I hope I hear from you again!!

talaniman · Oct 16, 2007, 09:04 PM

And I realise now how important it is to be able to enjoy yourself and be happy with yourself before you even try to be in a relationship.

If you know that, that is enough!!

Chery · Oct 17, 2007, 02:19 AM

Ah, yes.. that potential of what she could have been... We all have that in our minds about those we cared for. But the questions is.. are we still on their minds?? Nope.

Why let her still have the upper hand? I'm sure that she does not spend as much time thinking of what you are going through and I think it's time you stopped wasting valuable emotions on her. She for sure is not wasting time thinking of how you feel and how you see her as a person. She's going on with her life and you should take her off that pedestal as soon as possible.

She is not losing sleep or dreaming of you and in time you'll realize that she was not that amazing after all.

She makes mistakes and shrugs them off... how about you trying not to dwell on this yourself and getting on with your progress.

As anyone else will tell you, this takes time, and time is on your side. It's time you enjoy it.

talaniman · Oct 17, 2007, 05:46 AM

Had to spread the love, Chery

As anyone else will tell you, this takes time, and time is on your side. It's time you enjoy it.

Words of wisdom!

miou30 · Oct 17, 2007, 11:31 PM

I guess you are right. I do have all the time in the world. I am so tired of feeling this way, I just want to get it over with, but it doesn't work like that. I feel so exhausted. Today I have a meeting with my counselor so I will be able to vent for an hour or so :)

Yesterday I started a course to get my small airplane license!! This will keep me busy for the next 6-8 months. Can't wait to get up there and fly!!

needofhelp · Oct 17, 2007, 11:37 PM

It doesn't go away just like that. It will take time, but know that it will get better and that you are not alone in feeling this way. You will literally be flying with the birds, so enjoy the time you have and focus on doing the things you have always wanted. You always have people here that will listen and offer some advice/responses.

miou30 · Oct 27, 2007, 03:35 PM

It's been I really bad day for me. I felt like crap and I kept missing her. I was so close of picking up the phone and calling her but I know that this will make me feel even worse. Its been almost 7 weeks since I started NC and she never tried to contact me once. Its so hard to accept that your ex partner has forgotten all about you while you are going through this nightmare and rollercoaster of emotions. Two months down the line and I still hope that she is still thinking about me and that she misses me and regrets her choice of leaving me. And every day I get a reminder that this is not the case. I'm trying my best to move on but this is a really slow process. I will never offer my soul to anyone ever again. My soul is very precious to just give away so easily. And the pain when the other person rejects it is immense. Trying to find myself and learn to be happy with myself at the moment. This is so difficult to do when you are depressed after a breakup. I really pray to God to help me get through this cause I don't want to hurt like this ever again.

needofhelp · Oct 27, 2007, 04:53 PM

Originally Posted by miou30

It's been I really bad day for me. I felt like crap and I kept missing her. I was so close of picking up the phone and calling her but I know that this will make me feel even worse. Its been almost 7 weeks since i started NC and she never tried to contact me once. Its so hard to accept that your ex partner has forgotten all about you while you are going through this nightmare and rollercoaster of emotions. Two months down the line and I still hope that she is still thinking about me and that she misses me and regrets her choice of leaving me. And every day I get a reminder that this is not the case. I'm trying my best to move on but this is a really slow process. I will never offer my soul to anyone ever again. My soul is very precious to just give away so easily. And the pain when the other person rejects it is immense. Trying to find myself and learn to be happy with myself at the moment. This is so difficult to do when you are depressed after a breakup. I really pray to God to help me get through this cause I don't want to hurt like this ever again.

You are 7 wees into it. I'm 5 weeks into it, and I know how hard it is. I would have mistaken your post as mine because it describes exactly how I feel. I would not wish this upon my worst enemy. I can't even get her out of my dreams.

From all of the posts, I try to remind myself that, if she can walk away and forget so easily, then that is not the type of person I want to be with. We have to live our lives and have the strength to move on.

We both may feel that we will never offer our soul to anyone again, but I think we both know that isn't the truth. We will find another person, and be a bit more cautious. We have to know that it may not turn out right, but we will give ourselves once again, once we find the right person. And when we do, all of the pain will be worth it.

I'm trying to hang in there, that's all we can do. We have to try. Each day that we make it, it's a victory. Come out of each day, stronger than yesterday. Good luck brother. I'm right there with you in the struggle.

miou30 · Nov 15, 2007, 03:26 AM

Hey there people!! I'm feeling quite upbeat today so I thought I would post on here just in case I can chear some of you up:) Before you start thinking that my ex came back and that's why I'm chearful, I would like to say that I haven't had contact with my ex for the past nine weeks. I haven't tried to contact her and neither has she. People are right when they say that if your ex wants you back she/he knows where to find you. So if you go NC and they don't bother looking for you, you know that they are really not interested any more. So after nine weeks of NC I realise that its really over and I'm trying to rebuild my life piece by piece.

There is one thing I would like to ask though. The fact that as soon as we broke up I went NC, helped me start the healing process. On the other hand though I feel I haven't had the closure I wanted. As a result I think that deep down I still have a glimmer of hope that she might change her mind sometime down the line. I know that his doesn't make any sense. I would like to get the closure I need but on the other hand I don't want to go back to square one. Any ideas? We haven't spoken to each other during the last two months even though we still respect and care about each other.

I would also like to apologise to all the people out there who are desperate for advice because I haven't been answering any of their questions. I feel that I can't give objective and correct advice if I am on an emotional rollercoaster myself. I hope you all understand. Thanks!!

KBC · Nov 15, 2007, 04:19 AM

I am coming in on the tail end of this thread, so I might be going over the same old same old,,

The closure you are looking for might just be in the 5 stages of grief

Stage 1) Denial

Denial is generally the first stage in the grief process. It can be experienced as numbness or avoidance or isolation or direct denial. It is a stage in which we just cannot believe that the loss is true. We may tell ourselves that it did not really happen. It does not seam real.

Stage 2) Anger

Another stage of grief is anger. At this point, we have gotten past some or all of the denial,but now we are angry about the loss. We may want to take it out on something or someone, or we may just express our anger in ways that are familiar to us.

Stage 3) Bargaining

In the bargaining stage,we are trying to come up with ways to get back what we loast or just find something or someone to blame.Common thoughts include"if only I had....."or"I wish we could have...."or "maybe if I do this....."In the case of a lost relationship, we might actually bargain with the person we lost in an effort to get them back."If I change my behavior,will you come back?"

Stage 4 Depression

The depression stage is just as it sounds, a time of sadness. It generally follows denial,anger,and bargaining when we feel helpless to stop the loss. It may include crying,withdraw, or any other way to express sadness.

Stage 5) Acceptance

You are down to the acceptance stage,just my opinion.

"The final stage is acceptance.Most often we have gone through all the above stages and in many cases cycled through the above stages more than once before getting to acceptance.At this stage, we have( to some extent) reorganized ourselves and our thinking to incorporate the loss. This does not mean that we no longer get sad about the loss from time to time, but the sadness is now a part of us and does not keep us from functioning normally most of the time. Over time, the intensity of the sadness generally diminishes, but may never entirely go away."

Armed with the knowledge of these five stages, we can now better understand ourselves and others who are going through the grief process, Recognizing the stages can increase your empathy and support for others and provide permission for yourself to go through the process in your own way and in your own time.

This way from a site shown to me by a professional therapist,written by a professional therapist.

miou30 · Nov 15, 2007, 10:04 AM

Any more views people? I would appreciate any ideas!!

madaman · Nov 15, 2007, 10:16 AM

You may have to accept the fact that you might not get what you need for 'closure'. It could also come in an unexpected way. My ex phoned me 7 weeks into NC and asked a stupid question about her mail, that's it. No hi, how are you etc. It made me realize that she really was cold hearted, and I made the right decision of letting her out of my life (it was one of those, you can't fire me, I quit type breakups if that makes any sense). I would try and not get too hungup on the 'closure' end of it. It may come, it may not. You have gone 9+ weeks on NC and no one here is going to let you break that now.

Chery · Nov 15, 2007, 02:58 PM

You'll do just fine dear.

As far as closure... there is a difference between mutual closure and personal closure. Which is it you are 'longing' for. Don't bother looking for answers from her, she is just the person she is, and she might grow and change - she might not, but it's her life and you should be glad you are not accompanying her in any way because it will deter you from your own growth and adventures.

Get on with those flying lessons, meet new people, find newer and better memories to replace the crap she implanted in your 'data bank'. We really all never forget, but we store things that we no longer need to get on with our lives. As a computer technician would say, "repartition and reformat that drive and don't load a lot of crap the next time" Maybe that will stop you from 'crashing' again. But there will always be room for more and newer information.

Get going.. and enjoy as much of your life as you can - it's short enough as it is.

We all initially say that we will never want another try for fear of rejection, and that we don't ever want that pain again, but as a human race, we also know that is not the logical thing to do, so go for it Tiger.

When you were a baby, you didn't stop learning how to walk because you fell a few times, or you wouldn't walking now. It's the same with the rest of our lives, just harder things to learn to do and get them down to perfection. You got to keep enjoying the challenge - just like flying..

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