[miou30]

I have been seeing my girlfriend for about a year now. When I met her I had just gotten out of another relationship. I was honest with her and told her to take things slow. She seemed to understand and was really amazing with me. Very loving, sweet and considerate. Five months down the line, she broke up with me saying that she couldn't be in a relationship where she wasn't getting the love she wanted. We kept some contact but not much. Three months after the breakup we started seeing each other again but still on a more casual basis. I started falling in love and decided to try and have a proper relationship with her. At the same time she had a new boss arriving at her work who was very demanding. She works in a very male dominated industry. Even though her colleagues knew she had a boyfriend she kept me in the background cause she felt that a girl in a relationship in a male dominated industry doesn't have much chance in having a career. She always proclaimed that she didn't want to be seen just as a pretty face at work but wanted to be respected as a professional as well. She worked 15 hour days and when she would come home she would still be stressed about work. Things were not going very well and when I asked her about it she said that she felt that she didn't have time to do the things she wanted to do and because she couldn't blame her job (she loves her job) she was blaming me. I realised that she needed some space to do her things so I gave it to her. She would go out with her friends but if I didn't call to see how she was doing she would get upset. She said that when she is at work she doesn't miss me and takes me for granted. Three weeks ago she asked for a break so she can miss me and try to figure out why she feels this way. She also said that she doesn't want to break up and that she just wants to miss me. I said OK but two days later I texted her saying that it wasn't fair on me and that I couldn't do it any more. Since then she contacted me once to say that she misses me and loves me and that no one has ever loved her like I did. She also took on counseling to help her figure out her feelings. Two weeks ago I called to ask for some money she owed me (as I went on a gadget shopping frenzy) and during that conversation she said that she can't make any compromises in her life right now, that she loves me with all her heart but maybe its just bad timing. I respect that and I asked her not to contact me again. Its been too weeks now and I ve been finding it extremely hard not having her in my life (we were living together). Sometimes the pain its just too much... Any ideas on how to ease the pain? I always make sure that I have people around me and that Im never alone. But I can't seem to get her off my mind.

[TRISTE ET SEUL]

Find some one else, See most of us find it easier to find someone else to mend our broken heart. I can't seem to be alone either{HENCE MY TITLE} Even if the person doesn't mean anything but at least you'll have someone there. I think you need to take some time to get to know your self{as do I} and from now on take things slow. Your gir has a lot going on in her life and you need to leave her alone so that she can miss you. Make her come to you. I know that it is hard and you feel alone but don't sit at home and wait for her. Good Luck

[miou30]

Thanks a lot Triste for your answer. I know I have a lot of work to do as far as knowing myself. I always want a girl around to make me feel special and that I'm the first thing they think about when they wake up and the last before they go to bed. It would be so much easier if she came back to me, then I wouldn't have to go through this horrible "withdrawal syndrome". But I guess life doesn't seem to teach us anything the easy way. My last three relationships ended the same way. It was always that they thought I was too available. I was giving them the world without them having to break a sweat. As Wildcat would say:"a girl should always be part of your life, not all your life". I knew that when I started going out with this girl. For some reason though I couldn't apply it in my relationship. I got so overwelmed by my emotions that I stopped thinking. A woman always likes a challenge and after three hard learned lessons I realise that now. I don't get it though. When you ask a woman what she wants from her relationship she would tell you that she wants someone who takes cares of her, loves her and treats her like a princess (at least that was what my xgf said). When you finally do that women change their mind and say that they need more of a challenge. Balancing these two things seems impossible to me!!

[miou30]

I have been seeing my girlfriend for about a year now. When I met her I had just gotten out of another relationship. I was honest with her and told her to take things slow. She seemed to understand and was really amazing with me. Very loving, sweet and considerate. Five months down the line, she broke up with me saying that she couldn't be in a relationship where she wasn't getting the love she wanted. We kept some contact but not much. Three months after the breakup we started seeing each other again but still on a more casual basis. I started falling in love and decided to try and have a proper relationship with her. At the same time she had a new boss arriving at her work who was very demanding. She works in a very male dominated industry. Even though her colleagues knew she had a boyfriend she kept me in the background cause she felt that a girl in a relationship in a male dominated industry doesn't have much chance in having a career. She always proclaimed that she didn't want to be seen just as a pretty face at work but wanted to be respected as a professional as well. The fact is though that she was dressing quite sexy to go to work and she always sought the attention of her male colleagues. She worked 15 hour days and when she would come home she would still be stressed about work. Things were not going very well and when I asked her about it she said that she felt that she didn't have time to do the things she wanted to do and because she couldn't blame her job (she loves her job) she was blaming me. I realised that she needed some space to do her thing so I gave it to her. She would go out with her friends but if I didn't call to see how she was doing she would get upset. She said that when she is at work she doesn't miss me and takes me for granted and that she can't balance her life. Three weeks ago she asked for a break so she can miss me and try to figure out why she feels this way. She also said that she doesn't want to break up and that she just wants to miss me. I said OK but two days later I texted her saying that it wasn't fair on me and that I couldn't do it any more. Three days later she came over to say that she misses me and loves me and that no one has ever loved her like I did and that my positives seem more important to her now. She also took on counseling to help her figure out why she is unhappy since I am everything she ever wanted. She left on a very positive note and asked me to reconsider after the fact that she was now taking counselling to work things out. I called her the next evening to say that I would wait for her but she should work on herself byherself. She agreed and said it would be best this way. Two weeks ago I called to remind her to drop by some things of mine and during that conversation she said that she can't make any compromises in her life right now, that she loves me with all her heart but maybe its just bad timing. She also asked me not to hate her cause she hates her self enough for both of us. I respect that and I asked her not to contact me again. Its been two weeks now and I ve been finding it extremely hard not having her in my life (we were living together the past couple of months). I feel so lonely and the pain is just unbearable. I am very aware of the no contact rule and I haven't tried to contact her since we broke up. Im always around my friends going out and stuff but I still feel so alone and helpless... Please help!

[Copperhead6]

Well there's really nothing more you can do at this point. As long as you put it on the table that you loved her and wanted to be with her then the rest is in her hands. Broken hearts are tough and I would say right now the most important thing is to get yourself recovering. I would agree with the notion that she is still trying to figure her life out, and she may come back around. But I wouldn't hold my breath waiting to find out!

[talaniman]

Women are so hard to figure. The trick is be yourself. If that's not good enough then ADIOS! Many of us make the mistake of denying that things have changed, or endure all kinds of dumb crap, trying to make things work. Sometimes we must accept that we just don't fit right with that person at that time. Letting go is the only move we can make and heal so we can move on to better things. The links in my signature are must read for your situation.

[miou30]

Thank you guys for taking the time to read and reply to my post. I completely agree with both your answers. Its just that the loneliness is so unbearable some times and I don't know how to deal with it. I think my friends are getting tired of seeing me miserable all the time so I thought that it would be easier to talk to people that are going through the same thing. Thanks a lot again. Any ideas on why women want different things at the beginning of the relationship and they change their mind along the way?

[miou30]

I think my main problem at present is that finding someone to love and spend the rest of my life with is very important to me. I'm 30 years old, I have a great family,I have a very good job, I bought and furnished my flat, I have good friends who love me, I have my hobbies (I play tennis) and I'm taking evening courses at work so I can get a promotion next year. The only thing missing from this picture is someone to share all these with. When I start a relationship I never go through it thinking:"I should be careful just in case it doesn't work out." I think that's just missing the point of being in a relationship and falling in love. My last two gfs were both 4-5 years younger than me and I believe that this difference put a strain on our relationship as they were both of them quite immature and wanted different things at that stage of their lives. Looking forward to the time when I don't have to hurt any more...

[ConfusedandLost]

I hear you on that but listen to the following, this will be the single most important thing you will ever read. Don't go through life "looking" for that special someone, you will never EVER find her. If you do you will make all of the mistakes that you made before, you will rush into things and not even know it. You will eventually scare her off too, you will get too anxious. Go through life as a happy person always smiling being yourself, love will find you... trust me on this one. Go out have fun with your friends, make more friends just be yourself. Once you lose that feeling of wanting to find someone, that someone will appear. So be calm and relaxed it all will come to you, just be patient. Take all of your past relationships and learn from them. Everything happens to us for a reason, that reason may not reveal itself now but you will understand why someday.

[talaniman]

Make your life happy and someone will want to share it with you. Having said that, Happy people attract other happy people and being miserable runs them off.

[miou30]

You are making a lot of sense. At the moment I find it difficult finding something else in my life to make me happy. It seems I'm only happy when I'm in a relationship. I know it sounds pathetic for my age. I tried changing that many times before but I always end up with the same result. Having to get over someone. I decided to get counselling and hopefully in time I will become a happier person without that special someone in my life.

The weird part is that just reading your posts about how happy people attract other happy people made me feel much more positive about life. I guess the point of it all is that if you are trully happy with yourself it doesn't matter if you don't find that special someone. You will still be happy even if you don't. Thanks!!

[smoothy]

The only thing more painful than having the one you love turn their back on you is losing a parent or sibling. Best thing to do is rationalize that its best now than after you have more time invested or heaven forbid you got married.

As painful as it is, you have to put her out of your mind and move one, find another and do other constructive things to distract you. You will find it easier and easier as time goes on and soon you will find someone who really does appreciate you for who you are, unlike her.

[miou30]

Unfortunately smoothy, I have experienced both. I lost my dad to cancer when I was just nine. My mum raised me and my sister all by herself. She sent us to private schools and to uni and she did it all on a single salary. This fact alone made me respect women a lot and I don't want to lose that respect.

[talaniman]

Keep expectations realistic, especially in the beginning, as our emotions sometimes blinds us into getting carried away much to fast. Slow is the way to go, and keep the emotions under control. Decisions are much better when made from clear facts, and not entirely from the heart. Just my opinion.

[friend4u178]

Hi miou30
I tend to agree with what the others are saying. Just be yourself and the right one will come along. Trying to be someone your not to please someone else will always fail eventually. If it's not meant to be best to find out early. It's always hard losing someone we think will be our soul mate but if its meant to be it will. There is also nothing wrong with being a happy single remember that. I wish you luck.

[nkychic]

I agree with all the posts below. You can't rush into things. You will never find that "special someone" while looking. In fact, one of the most special things about finding that person is that it happens when you least expect it. You can't be happy with yourself if you don't love yourself, and if you don't love yourself, you can never truly be loved. If you don't think you are worthy of your love, then you would never truly believe that someone you cared for would be worthy. Take time to be yourself, become secure in yourself. Like you yourself said, if you are happy with yourself, then you know you will be happy with or without someone else.

[miou30]

Last night I felt so strong and happy. After two weeks of NC I replied to a letter she sent to me 5 days ago asking me not to hate her and that she hates herself enough for both of us. I texted her saying that I don't hate her and I realise that we have different priorities in life right now and who knows, some years down the line we may meet again and nobody knows what will happen then. Take care of yourself. She replied, thanking me for not hating her and that she still loves me. She thanked me for making such a difference in her life. I left it at that and didn't reply.

Please take it easy on me. I know I should't have done it and I feel really bad about it.
I spent the whole night crying and feeling lost. I guess it was the realisation that its really over. Definitely NC from now on cause I really experienced the pain and it wasn't pleasant.

All your replies make sense. I hope with proper help will be able to control my emotions next time and not let myself get carried away in unrealistic expectations.

[smoothy]

Unfortunately smoothy, I have experienced both. I lost my dad to cancer when I was just nine. My mum raised me and my sister all by herself. She sent us to private schools and to uni and she did it all on a single salary. This fact alone made me respect women a lot and I don't want to lose that respect.

But this has nothing to do with respect... it has more to do with natural compatibility. If there are issues between you and another you can still respect them as well as disagree with them. You don't have to force them to change or expect yourself to change to suit them.

I've lost my father to cancer as well, Painful when you know its coming months in advance.

I've been though my share of relationships as well, all before the WWW existed and there were not resources like this to talk with others. And being a typical guy we don't talk with our guy friends about this stuff.

I'm willing to admit I've been turned away from more often than I've turned away from the women. And trust me I know the feeling well, and because I do it made it hard when I had to be the one doing it to a woman that obviously was smitten by me but that I didn't share the feelings for.

One thing I've learned is once you did what you could and its clear they don't want you is to accept and respect their choice as you would if you was sitting in their shoes.

I find respecting others opinion is in itself a significant show of respect for yourself as well.

[TRISTE ET SEUL]

You know coming from a girls perspective, I know how difficult it is to find a man to treat you right. But, there are some women you get that lucky man and they are not ready for that type of relationship, and thereis women like me who are ready and can't find that man! I wish you luck in your journey of happiness, it seems that your are pretty set for yourself maybe if you date a little and get to know yourself more you'll be able to find the right girl! Good luck!

[miou30]

I had my fist counselling session today and I feel better. I feel I will get through this. Your words of encouragement will help me through this. Thank you!!