[bevilacq12]

Hahaha christ, the insanity never ends.

She called me the moment I got out of work on Friday. I let my voicemail pick it up, figuring I'd just listen to the message to see what she wanted. The message just says "I don't want to say anything important in a voicemail, so give me a call." Sometimes life is funny like that...

I ignore it for an hour, but then she calls me again and I pick it up that time. She wants to talk, says it is important. I meet her, and she tells me that her feelings for me came back the night I left. She knows she loves me. I say "I can't keep going up and down, how am I supposed to trust that this is real this time?" She says we can wait a few weeks and make sure she still feels like that.

Ridiculous. If that wasn't complicated enough, I'm starting to realize that she had some kind of fling while at that job. I thought it was nothing serious, they were just good friends or something - this guy has a girlfriend, and he lives in a different country and has already returned home. But I'm picking up more and more signs that something was going on. And I think she's still in touch with him. They had an emotional affair at the very least, and while I want to doubt that it was worse than that, I honestly know that it was probably a full-blown thing. Sure, we were broken up at that point, but that doesn't make it OK if she wanted to work things out with me.

I can't believe how many times I've been hurt by this girl in a 2-month period. The confusion, the ups and downs, the lies, the betrayal. It's absolutely mind-boggling. You think you know someone, you think a 3-year relationship meant something, and then I find she's able to do all these horrible things to me, over and over again, all the while saying she loves me. I need to get away from this girl. No matter how much I love her, she's clearly not what I thought she was, and I need to make myself stop loving her.

[Chery]

It sounds to me like you are working on it quite well.

You don't take what she says or does at 'face value' anymore and that is a step toward ridding yourself of the ideal of 'miss perfect'. This is OK and healthy.

I just hope that you 'protected' yourself the last time you were intimate. Women, when switching from one guy to another, sometimes wait a few weeks between to reassure themselves that they did not have contact with something they will regret later, such as STD or even a possible pregnancy, if she did indeed have a fling.

Just stay with us and keep your cool as best you can. You'll get over this. It feels like you are really seeking to distance yourself.

Keep up the good work.

[talaniman]

All you have to do is follow the simple, but hard instructions that have been given to you here, and that is to cut all contact, and disappear from her life.

[bevilacq12]

Ha, of course her mind changed again. Right now she's telling me she needs to work things out in her life - she says she loves me but needs to figure out why she's having trouble committing before we can try again. She says for me not to wait for her, because that just puts pressure on her to figure it out quickly.

I said "Don't worry, I'm not waiting." I'm not proud of how I know, but I KNOW she is lying to me. She'd rather be in a long distance relationship with that other jerk, and she's probably waiting to hear back from him. She's been lying to me when she says she wants to be with me and doesn't know why it's so hard.

Yet I'm still hung up on it. I keep hoping that one day she'll wake up and realize what she lost. I'm not communicating with her at all, but I know that I'm not doing it for myself - I'm doing it to try to make her feel dumped so she'll figure out her feelings. I mean, at least I'm doing the right thing - but it's for all the wrong reason.

[Ash123]

You are not in control here.
I'd nicely say you are busy and you'll try to catch when you have more time.
Then, think. And watch. Are things different? Are you OK risking this again?

If not, enjoy your position. NC worked for you. Don't squander it unless you think SHE wants to seriously commit. You are not a callous playboy, and you will get hurt if you go back and get tossed in 2 months.

[bevilacq12]

You are not in control here.
I'd nicely say you are busy and you'll try to catch when you have more time.
Then, think. And watch. Are things different? Are you ok risking this again?

If not, enjoy your position. NC worked for you. Don't squander it unless you think SHE wants to seriously commit. You are not a callous playboy, and you wil get hurt if you go back and get tossed in 2 months.

She's not calling me. She might in the future, and I'll heed your advice then. But right now she thinks I think she's "figuring out her life." When in reality her first priority is the person she's known for 1 month, and I know it.

And yet I'm still hopeful. I'm such a moron.

[Chery]

Yet I'm still hung up on it. I keep hoping that one day she'll wake up and realize what she lost. I'm not communicating with her at all, but I know that I'm not doing it for myself - I'm doing it to try to make her feel dumped so she'll figure out her feelings. I mean, at least I'm doing the right thing - but it's for all the wrong reason.

I agree, it is for the wrong reasons. But if you stay stubborn and protective of yourself, the easier it will get. You are going through these changes for a good reason - you DON'T TRUST her anymore...

Do you seriously think that even if she dumped the 'jerk' and came back to you that you'd trust her motives? If the answer is yes to this, then in fact you are what you call a 'moron' and a self-destructive one at that.

Come on dear, it's OK to hurt, OK to get angry.. But, there is a time to stop and start taking a good look at the opportunities open to you once you get yourself back together. Give life a chance.. give Yourself a little more respect and credit for survival.

Don't purposely set yourself up for a bigger fall.

[Ash123]

Hunker down.

Enjoy the control for now...

[bevilacq12]

We swapped our stuff back. It had a real air of finality - I cried for 20 minutes straight when I got back to my place.

I don't feel mad at her. She never lied to me in the 3 years we dated - and I still feel like she truly cares about me. Maybe it's stupid to think this way, but I feel like the lies now are because she is confused and hurt that things are ending as well, but she just feels like it's the only way. I want to remember things in a good light at least, because they were the happiest 3 years of my life.

She says it's really important that we try to stay friends - we are best friends after all. I said I don't know if I can. I still hold hope that one day she'll wake up and realize that she really misses me. Until that hope is truly gone, I can't be friends with her.

Even after everything we've been through, I still would do anything for her. I have no doubt that I truly love this girl. I will do the right thing, for both myself and for her, by keeping my distance - but I don't think I will ever stop loving her.

[thoughtiwastheman]

I'll make it simple for you. 1. Stop paying for things and being extra nice (you're losing her more by doing those things-You're becoming a wuss). 2. Tell her it's over. Move on and don't call her for at least a couple of months. Show her that you will not allow her to walk all over you. If she does call, answer her calls sparingly and make them short. Be busy and continue with your school work. I dated a girl for 6 years and towards the end I started acting like you and she started acting like this girl of yours. Guess what? She was fooling around and had lost total interest. I'm not saying that your "girl" is fooling around, but sometimes people lose interest and you have to accept that. Since our break up I've dated a lot and have found ways to keep the flames in all my relationships and things have been great. The biggest lesson I've learned is that women love drama. Give her some and she might just be interested again. You became boring and predictable my fun and that, besides another fling on the side, could have caused this situation. Move on and be the bigger person because, here's the kicker, "they always come back."

[Chery]

[QUOTE]

I don't feel mad at her. She never lied to me in the 3 years we dated - and I still feel like she truly cares about me.

STOP 'feeling' that she... etc, etc. YOU DON'T know how she feels, you just guess and hope.

Maybe it's stupid to think this way, but I feel like the lies now are because she is confused and hurt that things are ending as well, but she just feels like it's the only way.

Yes, it is stupid of you to think this way, because this will prevent you from closing this episode.
You are going through changes, she is going through changes... So it is time to close this episode, it is important for you to do so or you will not start working on strengthening yourself. If, and I mean IF you two ever get back together it will be a whole NEW EPISODE in life, and keeping a hold on the old will not help you start a new one.

It's like renovating a house. If you keep just one little item of the old tenants in it the old memories and emotions and distrust will always sneak up on you.

I want to remember things in a good light at least, because they were the happiest 3 years of my life.

The memories of this happiness will also rekindle the memory of your current situation and you'll have 'flashbacks' and doubts.

She says it's really important that we try to stay friends - we are best friends after all. I said I don't know if I can.

What would you rather have?. If she goes on with her life and wants you ONLY as a friend, then she is not being fair to you because she knows that this is difficult. It sounds to me as if she is not ready for 'closure' either - and why should she - she has you to run those errands, get those Tylenol, be Mr. Fixit,and someone to fall back on. THIS IS NOT FAIR TO YOU!!

I still hold hope that one day she'll wake up and realize that she really misses me. Until that hope is truly gone, I can't be friends with her.

Honey, she knows this is exactly how you feel and will continue to use you as a 'backup'. You are too damned gullible right now!

Even after everything we've been through, I still would do anything for her. I have no doubt that I truly love this girl. I will do the right thing, for both myself and for her, by keeping my distance - but I don't think I will ever stop loving her.

You should leave the 'we've been through' out and consciously state that "even after everything I've (meaning yourself) been through" And to do the "right thing" for YOURSELF by keeping your distance.

She is hopping and skipping through the woods to grandmother's house not worrying about the wolf because she knows you'll be there... GET REAL!
Keep your distance for as long as it takes to make her face that she needs to stand on her own two feet in this... That she too has to become a grown-up, independent individual when she enters into any relationship.

So.. you see, by staying 'available', you are not only hurting yourself, but you are preventing her from reaching maturity.. and you do want a mature partner, don't you?

It's your call, stop being a WUSS and stand up to her. Make her grow up and sit back and watch the progress while you are gaining your strength and a whole lot of self-respect back.

AGAIN, NOTHING will ever be the same.. so change yourself for the good of YOU.. and then enjoy the rewards.

[bevilacq12]

I've been trying to re-build some bridges with friends that I'd previously burned (because I was spending so much time with my ex before). One person I re-connected with is a girl that had had a huge fight with my ex about a year ago, and they haven't talked since.

Today I got a Facebook message from my ex saying "I know you're mad at me, but do you really need to hang out with *other girl's name*." I said that I'm not doing it to hurt her - but I also don't have to answer to her anymore.

I feel a little guilty, but also good at the same time. I suppose that's a start.

[Chery]

I've been trying to re-build some bridges with friends that I'd previously burned (because I was spending so much time with my ex before). One person I re-connected with is a girl that had had a huge fight with my ex about a year ago, and they haven't talked since.

Today I got a Facebook message from my ex saying "I know you're mad at me, but do you really need to hang out with *other girl's name*." I said that I'm not doing it to hurt her - but I also don't have to answer to her anymore.

I feel a little guilty, but also good at the same time. I suppose that's a start.

Cool... one step forward to independence. Keep up the good work.. and

Hey, who are we kidding here? So you re-connected with someone who she does not approve of - maybe you feel guilty because you knew it would bother her. But this is OK. It's part of your effort to somehow fight back. You'll get over it and so will she.

It is a good start in your attempt to 'stand up to her'. Just don't spend most of your time being rebellious. Take this time to work on YOU, and not her reactions.

Hang in there dear, we are still here and will get you through all of this.

[Ash123]

Step in the right direction. Keep it up.

You can socialize with whomever you want.

[bevilacq12]

She wanted me to come see her fish that she just got, so I agreed to stop by (I intended this to be a very short visit, and I didn't intend to say anything beyond pleasantries).

So we're sitting there, watching the fish, and she starts to cry. She's been watching my AIM away messages and has seen that I've been out with different people all week, and she wants to hear all about it. She says she's so lonely. All I say is "Well this is what you chose." We end up sleeping together again, and I stayed the night afterwards. The next day she says she enjoys my company so much and she wants to continue hanging out once in awhile and being intimate. She says she doesn't want any pressure for a relationship though - my letter and me trying to get back together with her so much before made her feel like she was my whole world, and that scared her.

I can understand that. I don't want her to be my entire world - but I know I want her to be part of it. I could keep playing the 'friends with benefits' or whatever role as we try to figure out our lives (while doing things with friends and other people so we have our own lives as well) for awhile - but I know I'd eventually want things to start working towards being back to normal, and there are no guarantees that would ever happen.

[Ash123]

Just know that even with intimacy you are still in the FRIEND ZONE... and that may be a good thing... I just hope you can handle that your need for a serious committed relationship is not what she wants... for a few years. Can you handle that?

Hang in. glove up... and don't turn down any dates!!

[talaniman]

I have spent most of my life trying to do the right thing, and I can tell you that your course of action may be okay for now but, in the long run will slow you down. Things may be physically great for a time, but the emotional price you pay will show up later. You are right, there are no guarantees in life. All we can really do is the best we can. Are you doing the best you can?? Be honest.

[nkychic]

Like you said, there are NO guarantees in life, you just have to keep on living. I fear that you are going to get more hurt the longer you drag this out. I think you and I both know it's time to let this one go. Yes it's true you have to work to keep a relationship going, but when it gets to a point where work is all you know, there's a problem. Right now, without being rude, it seems you are "convenient" for her. I don't think this is something you should further pursue. You need to move on with your life. Find someone who deserves the love and loyalty you are willing to give. Don't spend your whole life fighting a battle you may lose. If things happen later fine, but for now you need to both live your lives.

[talaniman]

Yes it's true you have to work to keep a relationship going, but when it gets to a point where work is all you know, there's a problem,

If your not happy what's the point?

[Chery]

Be honest with yourself. Did you even think of starting a life on your own?
As long as you keep that obsession of your's alive, you will not be happy.

I see it, you waiting on the sidelines for her calls, some scraps, and some sex.. But how do you feel when she is off hopping and skipping through life totally enjoying it. The way she pictures her life is not the way you picture it, but something has to give if you want to ever be content and happy again.

Face it, if you enjoy her having her little world and satisfied with the little bits of attention she gives you... just don't expect much self-respect.

What would you say to another guy if he were in your shoes? Would you pat him on the back or would you call him a wuss? Stand 'outside' yourself and take a good hard look at reality. I think it's time for you to get downright angry at yourself for letting her play with you.

I wish that I were totally off the track here... but I've seen it too often to not throw in my serious words of caution. From a women, take my word for it.. you are going to stay the looser in this one, no matter what.

But, enough for now.. time will tell.