For the last 3 years, I've been going out with a wonderful girl. We clicked the first night we met, and we very quickly got into a passionate relationship. She was my first longterm relationship, and the first girl I truly loved. I wasn't her first longterm (she had a 2-year one in high school), but she gave me the impression that I was the first guy to really respect her. For most of the 3 years we spent together, almost everything was perfect. We fought very rarely, and always about stupid things, nothing serious.
Since the beginning of 2007, however, things had gotten rocky. We were both under a lot of stress because of our college programs. I had a really bad roommate who was constantly in the room, so I never had personal privacy, and we as a couple didn't get a lot of privacy. My course load was also extremely heavy. There would be days where I had 6 hours of class, and 8 hours of homework. On such days, I would obviously not see her a lot - she'd want to be around when I did homework at times, but I'd frequently say it wasn't a good idea because I was in a really foul mood. Listening to metal, swearing up a storm, ripping papers up, etc. - 8 hours of theoretical calculus can do that to a person. I explained it to her, and said it was just because I didn't want to get upset around her, but I guess she still took it as me pushing her away. I also snapped at her a few times - like she'd ask me to do the dishes and I'd say "I have 8 hours of goddamn homework, give me a break." I felt bad for snapping at her, and I knew she wasn't trying to be insensitive to my stress (I normally always did the dishes), and I figured she understood that I was just stressed from my schoolwork. I'd apologize and say that things would be better when the semester was over. And I spent every minute I wasn't doing homework with her - the thing I hated about the homework the most was that it kept me from her, so I used every bit of free time to be with her.
Well apparently she didn't take it as I thought she would. A week before the end of the semester, she tells me she's unhappy. She says my stress really hurt her. I say that I'm so sorry and thought we were just both stressed, and that things would be OK - but now that I know how upset she is, I'll do everything in my power to fix it. She was going away for a 2 month job in another state at the end of the semester, so I used the last week to do everything I could for her to show her I was serious about fixing things.
Well she goes away to the job, and quickly thereafter she tells me that she needs time and space to think things over, and we should go on a break. I'm hurt by this, but I say I'll do my best to respect her wishes. We plan on meeting up in a month (on one of the rare off-days that her job allows) and talk stuff over and work it out. She cancels on me two days before our meeting because she wants to go to some theme park with her fellow employees. The next weekend, she calls and breaks up with me. She says she can't commit to the relationship, and it's not fair to me to stay in the relationship when she's like that. I'm devastated.
I wait 2 weeks, then I send her a long letter. I talk about how much I care for her, how nothing else in the world matters when I'm with her, how I appreciate every moment we spent together and how I want to share so many things in the future with her. I'm fixing all the things she said she was upset about, etc. etc. etc. The crazy semester has been over for a bit now, I've de-stressed, and I have the time to fix anything that is wrong.
No response for a few weeks. On the day she finishes her job and is heading home, she calls me. She said she got my letter, and she wants to try again. I say OK.
So for the last week, we've been seeing each other again. Except it's like we're just friends, and I just so happen to be a guy and just so happen to pay for all our expenses and run all her errands. Every time I attempt to be romantic or intimate, she clearly doesn't have the same interest and keeps finding innocent ways to let me down. "I'm tired." "I don't want to get too serious yet, let's just take it slow." I'm fine with waiting on things, but the thing that really troubles me is the look in her eyes and the tone of her voice. It's like she's guilty. I finally ask her what is going on. I say "You said you wanted to try the relationship again. If we keep doing what we're doing, we're just going to be friends." She says she cares deeply for me, but doesn't feel the same way about me anymore. But she says she wants things to work.
I think for a bit, then say "If you really want things to work, you need to take a leap of faith and just start trying again. This isn't something you can be pragmatic about. Either you're serious about wanting things to work and we try being a couple again, or you just want to be friends in which case I need some time to just look out for myself and heal before we can try that." She says that that is fair, and she cares deeply for me and doesn't want to lose me, so we'll keep trying.
It's been a few days since then, but there's really been no change. If I reach for her hand in public, she starts fiddling with her purse or something. In private, we kiss passionately and it feels like she's really into kissing me like I am into kissing her, but she pushes my hands away if I go to reach for her to start making out or something. I laugh it off, but I feel hurt. We were more intimate with each other just days after meeting - we've been lovers for 3 years now, and I can barely touch her without feeling guilty. In the meantime, I'm paying for dinner and movies and fixing her computer and bringing her coffee when she has a long shift at work, etc. I feel like a chump. But I keep hoping things are going to get better - I keep saying "it's just been a week, give it time."
Am I a fool in love, or just a fool?
